K a t h a r s i s Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Hi guys, How to tell a MW that it's over? Everything between us is just fine, but I can't handle it anymore as OM. Would you cut contact immediately or would you prolong the process in time, I mean prepare her for such a decision? All insights would be appreciated.
Getting_stronger Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 With recent and hurtul experience- Id suggest you tell her face to face and end it nicely but completely. Good luck- and good decision
Hazyhead Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 It would be better to talk to her in person but if that is too risky for whatever reason, write her a letter. Be honest but kind. If she's married she has to understand; it wouldn't be fair to you if she didn't.
Samantha0905 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 For goodness' sake -- don't do it by text or email. I think explain to her in person how you are feeling. Tell her you care for her (if you do), but you do not want to be in a relationship with a married person. Tell her it's not fair to either of you -- plus, there's her husband who was really a victim in the situation. Try not to dwell on anything negative about what the two of you have had other than the fact she is married. I'm assuming you are not? Once you do this, listen to her response -- but remain adamant it's for the best and you will not be contacting her after your talk -- nor do you want her to contact you. Then don't. The end. Respectful and to the point.
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Just be honest. Tell her you love her but cannot be the OM anymore, it's killing you, and you need to never see or speak to her again, so YOU can heal and move on. Since it seems she has no plans on divorcing her husband, continuing the affair is just prolonging YOUR hurt. You are doing the right thing, as much as it'll hurt. Better to hurt now rather than in another 2-3 years by staying in the affair. Hopefully she'll respect your choice by ending it, realize that SHE is being selfish by allowing the affair to begin with, and do no contact with you. Good luck and keep posting.
OWoman Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 There is no "nice" way to do this - but there are ways that are more hurtful than others. Stringing it out if you've already decided is mean - you might think you're letting her down slowly, but you're simply giving her false hope. Tell her it's not working for you - that it's not her, but her being M. And then leave it. You owe her no more explanation than that, and no promises or undertakings of anything in the future. You are not obligated to remain her friend; you are not obligated to reconsider at some future time should she ever leave her H. It's simply over.
Author K a t h a r s i s Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 I think she is feeling that the affair might end soon. We are together for more than 2 years and she has never managed to leave her husband. We were trying many times, recently she's even moved out but has been sucked in by her husband after 2 weeks. Too many lies.. I think I can't trust her anymore. She says that she loves me every day, and promised me to divorce her husband soon but I just can't wait.. I'm broken. Even if I love her I have to stop it for my well-being. That should be the right decision. Then I hope I will bear NC..
skywriter Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 KATHARSIS, It's hard to top the already excellent advice. As you've pointed out about ending it, the sticking to it should be the main objective. Seems to be the biggest hurdle for most if not all, sticking to NC. Good luck, hope you can achieve, whatever you feel is in your best interest.
califnan Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Personally I feel that to be in love with a married person can be an accident .. and continuing to love them without being able to help yourself - maybe is an addiction .. But it should never be with the intent of breaking up the marriage.. The marriage is under God .. the One Flesh Covenant ..
Samantha0905 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I think she is feeling that the affair might end soon. We are together for more than 2 years and she has never managed to leave her husband. We were trying many times, recently she's even moved out but has been sucked in by her husband after 2 weeks. Too many lies.. I think I can't trust her anymore. She says that she loves me every day, and promised me to divorce her husband soon but I just can't wait.. I'm broken. Even if I love her I have to stop it for my well-being. That should be the right decision. Then I hope I will bear NC.. I hope you will be able to bear NC. It's so difficult for both parties involved. I imagine over time -- the two years you've spent with her waiting and hoping -- the love starts gets burned out. I'm just guessing since you say "even if I love her." My OM was the one to end us the last time. He's single. I'm married. We both went back and forth a bit. I'm glad he did end it because I was worried over time he would end up feeling zero love for me or even worse, contempt. I miss him every day, but I am glad he ended it. I'm also glad he ended it before meeting someone else. That would have crushed me. It's disrespectful to you and selfish of her to continue in a relationship where she can't offer you all of herself. It's also disrespectful to her for you to continue to see her knowing how torn she is between you and her marriage. It ends up destroying the love the two of you have for each other over time. It would be better to end it now while that hasn't quite happened. Who knows what the future will hold? For right now, you need to move on and heal yourself.
Author K a t h a r s i s Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Samantha you are so right.. Exactly. The love probably has burned out. I really did everything, and I borne everything, but now I just feel like I can't take it anymore. This has outgrown me. I really feel love, but at the same time I feel like I'm missing something important in my life.. This decision might be one of the hardest in my life, but I know in the end I will be better off..
fooled once Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Hi guys, How to tell a MW that it's over? Everything between us is just fine, but I can't handle it anymore as OM. Would you cut contact immediately or would you prolong the process in time, I mean prepare her for such a decision? All insights would be appreciated. Just tell her you decided you deserved more than a part/time partner -- you deserved someone you didn't have to share.
Crazyforhim Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Samantha you are so right.. Exactly. The love probably has burned out. I really did everything, and I borne everything, but now I just feel like I can't take it anymore. This has outgrown me. I really feel love, but at the same time I feel like I'm missing something important in my life.. This decision might be one of the hardest in my life, but I know in the end I will be better off.. Being away from her may be hard for awhile, but once you get out of the A you'll probably be more at peace and feel a great sense of relief. I personally didn't realize how much stress my A was causing me until I went NC. Move on, start the healing process and before you know it, you'll probably find someone who loves you like you deserve to be loved (with their ALL and not just a PART)!
Samantha0905 Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Samantha you are so right.. Exactly. The love probably has burned out. I really did everything, and I borne everything, but now I just feel like I can't take it anymore. This has outgrown me. I really feel love, but at the same time I feel like I'm missing something important in my life.. This decision might be one of the hardest in my life, but I know in the end I will be better off.. Yes. And she feels in many ways she did also -- bore a whole lot. She did if she's me. As much as she could given the crazy situation. I think both people end up thinking they gave so much and looking at each other -- they each think not enough for each other. It sucks. It's too bad because I think in many cases they each did love each other enormously, regardless of how many people like to minimize the affair relationship. I don't know what to say except bad choices and bad timing? It's too bad there isn't enough strength and patience to make it through it all.
Author K a t h a r s i s Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 (edited) Samantha theoretically I can wait a little, but at the same time I need some kind of strategy to make it work. Currently I'm living more or less 400 KM from her, and her husband lives 30 KM from her and come to her place daily. I know that she loves me, and yes, she also feels very overburdened, but I would like to help her. Move her from her husband to my place. She wants it, but wants it slowly.. I'm affraid that time is not on my side because of her H who is doing his best to interrupt us.. There are two options - give up or fight for this love with her, but I just don't know how we could do that, because of helplessness.. Edited March 4, 2010 by K a t h a r s i s
Author K a t h a r s i s Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 (edited) I was talking with her yesterday and she said she would divorce her husband, but first of all - take it slowly, and second - she would like to move to another city to rest then eventually move in to my apartment. She is a young MW (her H was her first and only BF), she is a cheater, and I THINK she would like to taste single life before getting into next relationship.. I ridiculed her. What do you guys think about it? Edited March 5, 2010 by K a t h a r s i s
skywriter Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I think she makes alot of sense. If she's young, and just ending her first serious relationship, she should take her time. You should appreciate that she's attempting not to make another mistake with you.
Author K a t h a r s i s Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Of course this makes a lot of sense. I love you, but I would like to f... with other guys just for a moment to make my mind.. It doesn't sound good. If she want to relax she can relax with me.
skywriter Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I'm sorry "K", wasn't trying to say something hurtful I'm on the outside, looking in here. From my own experience, A, included. Healing before jumping into another relationsip, just seems the logical thing to do. If it's right, then it'll be, and you are less likely to have insecurities.
Author K a t h a r s i s Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 (edited) For me it's like saying her that I'm tired of the A and currently I would like to rest a little, test some waters etc. It's like saying her in the eyes that I would like to cheat on her. I will leave her if she make such a decision. It's not very smart from OUR point of view. For particular persons maybe it is, but not for US as a whole. She will probably wheel and deal saying that her D is in the process and she has to live somewhere, and that's why she is moving out. But for the God's sake, I have an apartment and she can live with me.. I will not understand her decision. She is untrustworthy.. What's funny, currently she is behaving like never before, she is so nice, saying that she loves me every minute. I think she is trying to bluff me. Edited March 5, 2010 by K a t h a r s i s
skywriter Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 KATHARSIS, I went back and reread the post where you said she was young and wanted time to regroup after divorcing. You just sound so insecure where she is concerned that I can't help but feel giving her time is best for you and her both. Jumpin from the pot into the frying pan just sounds like setting yourself up for more pain and disappointment. Sounds like she's trying to be honest about what is best for her and you aren't hearing it. I sense the pain in your post, imagine her moving in and then saying all this to you.
JustJoe Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Katharsis, be prepared for a really tough time. I was in your boots, until about a month ago, and I still have trouble maintaining, NC.
Author K a t h a r s i s Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 I really want to end it.. I'm sure she will cheat on me in the future. This would be her ex H for sure or just someone like me in the previous R. I just don't have the strenght..
JustJoe Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Dude, I know where you're coming from. The married woman I was with, would go on "romantic weekends", with her husband, then come to me, when she got home. How do you make love to a woman , when you know another man's penis has been in her, recently, and that when she leaves your bed, she will go back to his?
blinded Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I can't speak for your MW, but she really hasn't 'dated' you- at least not without the secrecy and hiding. Maybe this is her way of easing into things. See if your relationship can stand alone in public. To come out and say that she wants to be with other men doesn't give her much credit. If you think that way about her, maybe it's best you throw in the towel and leave her alone. But just think, you sound confused and on the fence, don't you think she would be as well?
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