trueluV Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 This man and I met at an event a few weeks ago, and started talking, he gave me his card, i emailed him, he replied back the next day suggesting to get together. i was confused this time so i posted a thread if he could be interested in me or was just being friendly-due to the age gap. (btw, he's in his 40's) we decided to meet that week, but i was surprised he showed quite an interest to me on the first night. he kissed me on the cheek and we parted. i was happy, but had mixed feelings. few days later, i emailed him, and he wrote to me next day suggesting to go to the movies together and have dinner, so we had another nice time together. he asked me what i like (in terms of food) and said he'll cook for me next time at his place. now, i am really confused. i am strongly attracted to him, and i think he is too, but i don't really see a future with him, so i am afraid if i get attached to him, i'll have a heartbreak later. should i go ahead and follow my heart now regardless of the outcome, or should i act rationally and stop myself from falling for him? sorry for the lack of details..to add one thing: i noticed him from last year and thought he was attractive, so when i got a chance at the last event (we help out there) i said hi to him, and the conversation just flew....so i can say i'm the one who was interested in him first, and just surprised how he's interested in me. also, he hasn't initiated contact to me, but whenever i email him, he replies the following morning with a plan to get together. i don't know, but i think it's due to the fact that i'm much younger than him and he feels a bit guilty too if he was the one initiating all this, so whenever i email, he feels less guilt and finds a reason/excuse to contact me. just my thought-but do you agree with this? not sure if i have enough information for you to see the situation, but your two cents would be appreciated
Ruby Slippers Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 now, i am really confused. i am strongly attracted to him, and i think he is too, but i don't really see a future with him, so i am afraid if i get attached to him, i'll have a heartbreak later. Smart. Recent research has shown that men begin to experience the same severity of fertility complications as women around age 40, so their sperm starts to deteriorate at that age. Important info to know if you want a long-term relationship and kids.
D-Lish Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 He Initiates NOTHING... by your own admission, right? There is nothing happening in his camp- stop chasing. Older or not- never, ever pursue...ever!
Ruby Slippers Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Older or not- never, ever pursue...ever! And yeah, that, too.
Fouts Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Older or not- never, ever pursue...ever! Cute, but famous last words
meerkat stew Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Recent research has shown that men begin to experience the same severity of fertility complications as women around age 40. Please cite as to the "same severity" part or rather: Men begin to experience some degree of fertility complications post 40, but nowhere near to the same degree as women. I have several male friends who have continued having perfectly healthy children into their late 40s and 50s and no female friends who have done so. Older or not- never, ever pursue...ever! Don't agree with this either, and think OP's analysis is spot-on as to him feeling some hesitance due to age as well. No reason at all a woman can't Email a guy she met and found interesting. She didn't call him and didn't ask him out. OP, if you are 30 or over, this isn't a really big age gap, problematic if you want children, but not due to some "deteriorating sperm" theory. He may not have perfect sperm, that's never guaranteed, but if not, odds are it's not due to age alone. No one knows if he would have pursued had you not Emailed. If you find the guy attractive and interesting and don't want children, date him and have fun. If you do want children, consider spending your time cultivating other options.
D-Lish Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 MS- I respect your advice, but I am going to stick with don't chase.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I have several male friends who have continued having perfectly healthy children into their late 40s and 50s and no female friends who have done so. Anecdotal evidence, of which I also have some. I know several women in their 40s who have had healthy babies. Here's one link: http://health.nytimes.com/ref/health/healthguide/esn-maleinfertility-expert.html And a simple search will turn up tons of additional info and research.
carhill Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Recent dating experience of the OP which seems to follow a similar pattern, though the age of the man is not disclosed. Enjoy his home-cooked dinner and see how it goes
meerkat stew Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Anecdotal evidence, of which I also have some. I know several women in their 40s who have had healthy babies. Here's one link: http://health.nytimes.com/ref/health/healthguide/esn-maleinfertility-expert.html And a simple search will turn up tons of additional info and research. Tell me, how many women besides Sarah in the Bible do you know of who are capable of having children into their 50s and beyond? Telling OP that a 40 something y.o. man presents the same childbearing risks as a 40 something y.o. woman is misleading. Your link even bears that out in OP's case by acknowledging that an older man paired with a younger woman cancels out some of that risk.
Author trueluV Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Recent dating experience of the OP which seems to follow a similar pattern, though the age of the man is not disclosed. Enjoy his home-cooked dinner and see how it goes what makes you think my dates follow a similar pattern? or which part? in fact, they are quite the opposite as the old post/old date was a shy guy and didn't express his interest other than keep going on dates with me, and when i'm with a shy guy i can't help myself but to be shyer. but this older man and i are comfortable expressing ourselves, and my concern here is rather should i restrain my feelings since i don't see a future with this man, or should i go along with the flow. also, the guy from the old post, the shy guy, he is actually still contacting me and we're still keeping in touch. i was confused: if he's into me or not, or what he's thinking, or if he's even gay, but in this case with the older guy, my confusion is coming from a different reason. of course, if there is a dating pattern you see, and i'm making mistakes i'd like to know what it is to not make such mistakes anymore... anyway, thank you for your input all the time.
Author trueluV Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 i appreciate your thoughts as i cannot think with clear mind regarding this topic. i never thought i'd be so attracted to a man who's 15 years older than me, so i am quite shocked at myself for wanting to be with him. however, i'm old enough to know the reality. it's not just about babies. it's so funny to read a lot of threads with baby & sperm, and it's so weird for me to think of that with him at this stage. i'm not concerned about his age for babies, but rather if this is a realistic match. maybe it could be a temporary strong lust..who knows until i figure it out myself giving it a try. but as i said, i'm afraid of getting hurt too. i am now split between thoughts of: 1. meet him again soon, maybe go to his place and have his home cooked meal and go with the flow (meaning, whatever will happen will happen) , and get out of this whole thing asap, or 2. not contact him at all until he initiates and comes up with a whole plan. pro of #1 is not delaying time, so if attraction is strong, just let something happen, and get out of this situation as quickly as possible. con of #2, my feelings can develop while waiting for him and then something to actually happen, .. any thoughts?
Ruby Slippers Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Your link even bears that out in OP's case by acknowledging that an older man paired with a younger woman cancels out some of that risk. Let me guess -- you're in your 40s or beyond? Why am I not surprised that you are clinging to the one shred of evidence that leaves some hope for men like yourself coupling up with women in their 20s? Hope, if not semen, springs eternal. It's nothing personal. I enjoy your posts. But the facts cannot be denied.
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 So you must be in your mid to late 20's? Life is short, I say go for it. What if this guy is the one? Why let age get in the way? Take a chance, see how things develop. If you find yourself falling deeper for him, then tell him your worries and concerns, be honest and see how he feels about it.
meerkat stew Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I still think equating deterioration in male reproductive capacity post 40 to female is misleading advice. My advice to OP in this thread, as in most other threads, has little to do with my personal situation. But to answer, I'm 45, and my last five GFs have ranged in age from 23 to 46. I could care less about my own fertility at this point, and if I ever did want to have children, would have a thorough workup before doing so. If I want to couple with 20 somethings, I will just do it without worrying about any curly tailed or two headed sperm lolling around in my testicles waiting for liftoff. Younger women don't sleep with older men, or at least not with this particular older man, because they are looking for the best baby batter.
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 It's stunning the lack of real information from people here. To think that both men and women have the same number of potential birth defects after the age of 40 is purely wrong. It's humorous that so many women don't want to admit this, but it's sad too because it's true. Chance of birth defects for women: At age 25, 1 in 1,250 At age 30, 1 in 1,000 At age 35, 1 in 400 At age 40, 1 in 100 At 45, 1 in 30 At 49, a 1 in 10 From http://www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/14332_1155.asp Men are only twice as likely to have the problem from age 20 to 40. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/05/07/earlyshow/contributors/emilysenay/main552846.shtml As far as the post that says "dont chase," I agree. Neither men nor women should "chase" or "pursue" one another.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 This is my last post in this thread, because the OP has made clear that her interest in the subject of male fertility is minimal to absent. Different facts can be spotlighted to make anyone's case. For instance, citing the article you linked to: Researchers found the risk of fertility problems due to sperm mobility for a man increases with age from 25 percent at the age of 22; 60 percent at the age of 40; and it is 85 percent at the age of 60. My original point -- that fertility in older men is worthy of consideration, especially to a younger woman who might want children and might not want them in the immediate future -- stands.
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Yeah I'm pretty sure the OP doesn't care about that.
EYECANDY000 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Crap, I thought this thread was about being attracted to a 15 year old
single Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I say go for it, i have just met a great women who is 10 years older than me (me 30s/ her 40s) and although she worries sometimes about the gap we just talk openly about it. I have been dating for a bit since my split but either never really clicked with any of them or thought i wasn't ready for a relationship. Then just as I decided to stay on my own for a bit there she was one night and we just hit it off. Just take it easy and have a good time you never know what might happen maybe he is the one for you age gaps are mind over matter if you don't mind it doesn't matter. good luck
meerkat stew Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 My original point -- that fertility in older men is worthy of consideration, especially to a younger woman who might want children and might not want them in the immediate future -- stands. Stated this way, it's a good point, it is worth some consideration.
Author trueluV Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 thanks for your two cents. at this stage i feel like going with the flow and keep seeing him until i feel the strong need to stop myself. however, other than the age gap, he's not financially stable, so i am concerned about that, when picturing a future with him. we're both in creative field-artist/designer, and though i am much younger than him i earn more than he does, and i'm not even earning a lot! i felt he's not stable financially whenever we went out for something because he seems to care too much about the cost of things, and goes for cheap/casual places, etc etc..and i even suggested to pay after the first date. so other than his age i'm also concerned about his financial situation to think about future. should i still go with the flow, or if i were your good female friend would you stop me from falling hard for him?
xpaperxcutx Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 should i still go with the flow, or if i were your good female friend would you stop me from falling hard for him? Sure, in fact if I was your best friend I would tell you to kick him to the curb and find yourself someone more compatible. The age gap is already bothering you and now that you add in the financial situation, I'm wondering why you're still with him? You can say " Maybe I'll just see where things go" but you're on here asking us to give you a yes or no about dating him. I think if there was another guy who comes along, despite the age difference but who was more financially secure, you probably wouldn't mind. Honestly if you're doubting yourself about whether to stay or not, don't trouble your little head into thinking too much and just walk away. Drama is not fun, not even at this early stage in dating.
Author trueluV Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Sure, in fact if I was your best friend I would tell you to kick him to the curb and find yourself someone more compatible. The age gap is already bothering you and now that you add in the financial situation, I'm wondering why you're still with him? You can say " Maybe I'll just see where things go" but you're on here asking us to give you a yes or no about dating him. I think if there was another guy who comes along, despite the age difference but who was more financially secure, you probably wouldn't mind. Honestly if you're doubting yourself about whether to stay or not, don't trouble your little head into thinking too much and just walk away. Drama is not fun, not even at this early stage in dating. yes, i know all this in head, but the thing is i'm really falling for him! and it's hard to stop myself..which is the problem. i really have a good time with him and our conversations flow, and he is so attractive (physically, hahah) so i can't resist him despite the age gap and his financial situation. i'm just telling myself, okay just have fun with him for a while and let it go, find someone else.,,,ughhh!!!!!!!
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