tjmsnail Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I am considering divorcing my husband of just over two years due to lies in our marriage. Our marriage started with a lie.. I told my husband I did not want to marry a smoker due to smoking related deaths in my family. So he told me he quit. I questioned him because he would come home smelling like smoke, he would blame it on coworkers. He told me I was "insane" for questioning him and that he would "never lie to me because he loved me" "how could i even THINK he would lie", ect. I found a recipt for smokes and confronted him a year later, he was cornered and had to admit it. My husband joined the army and soon got stationed in Germany. I asked him to not go out drinking because i was on bedrest and was threatening to go into premature labor and wanted him available in case I did. He promised he would not go out drinking and did several times. He said it wasn't a lie because he did not "intend" to get drunk and that it was ok because he "talked about me the whole time". He also went out CLUBBING in Germany w/ his friend and two girls while I was on bedrest. He never even told me about it until his friend posted pictures of it online and I called him out on it. He has been stationed in Iraq and the trust issues I have made me question his fidelity w/ a female that he hangs out w/ a lot that he knew in Germany as well. He actually discussed intimate issues of our life w/ her... physical and emotional. After questioning his fidelity he told her I thought they were having sex, which i thought was very disrepectful. He swore he never discussed my issues w/ his fidelity with her. I backed him into a corner and he finally admitted he has been talking to her about our relationship issues. All of them. He tried to convince me his lying is my fault. Then he took it back and said he lies in order to make himself feel and look better. To feel important. I have given him so many chances. Has anyone been in a situation like this? Will he change his lying ways? It seems as though he doesn't even respect me... There have been more lies than what I have listed. I listed the ones that bothered me the most. Sorry about the long post.... ADVICE PLEASE!!!
tnttim Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 You have to put your foot down or he will continue to lie. It sounds like he is having an emotional affair on you w/ this germany girl. You have to approach this very cautiously or you will end up pushing him away, or into OW arms. If you out right tell him to stop lying you might as well pack his stuff, orders in a marriage never get followed. You have to figure out a way to get your message across without saying the words. You have to show him that lying to you has consequences. The other thing you can do is leave him, or make him move out. Then you can list all the reasons it's over.
tojaz Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I would have to say that the fact that he told you he lied to make himself feel important is a big step in the right direction. The big issue is if you feel you will ever be able to trust him again. Tim makes a good point that words don't always get the point across, but with your H being overseas, thats really all you have to work with. I think the best first step would be to just lie all your cards on the table, let him know what his lying and the resulting distrust does to you and the negative effects you see it putting on your marriage. Especially the suspected OW! I think I would also try and keep an open mind. He is very far away from the one he loves and a little conversation and a womans innocent attention may be all that is present. I think we all here can relate to being lonely and missing the ones we love. That does not mean to excuse the unforgivable. A PA is much more distinguishable then an EA, Yet if it is an EA, many people, especially men don't know what an EA is until they find themselves in one. Educate him and let him know how it makes you feel. Thats all you can do, the rest is up to him. Best of luck and keep us posted. TOJAZ
RedDevil66 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Men lie when they are being controlled. You are very controlling and he doesn't want to disappoint you If you didn't want to marry a smoker, you should not have. Why would you ask someone to change who they are?! He's a grown man and you need to treat him like a husband and not a child Lies are NOT acceptable but I suspect when you ease up a bit, he will stop lying
SRV Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 (edited) I am considering divorcing my husband of just over two years due to lies in our marriage. Our marriage started with a lie.. I told my husband I did not want to marry a smoker due to smoking related deaths in my family. So he told me he quit. I questioned him because he would come home smelling like smoke, he would blame it on coworkers. He told me I was "insane" for questioning him and that he would "never lie to me because he loved me" "how could i even THINK he would lie", ect. I found a recipt for smokes and confronted him a year later, he was cornered and had to admit it. My husband joined the army and soon got stationed in Germany. I asked him to not go out drinking because i was on bedrest and was threatening to go into premature labor and wanted him available in case I did. He promised he would not go out drinking and did several times. He said it wasn't a lie because he did not "intend" to get drunk and that it was ok because he "talked about me the whole time". He also went out CLUBBING in Germany w/ his friend and two girls while I was on bedrest. He never even told me about it until his friend posted pictures of it online and I called him out on it. He has been stationed in Iraq and the trust issues I have made me question his fidelity w/ a female that he hangs out w/ a lot that he knew in Germany as well. He actually discussed intimate issues of our life w/ her... physical and emotional. After questioning his fidelity he told herI thought they were having sex, which i thought was very disrepectful. He swore he never discussed my issues w/ his fidelity with her. I backed him into a corner and he finally admitted he has been talking to her about our relationship issues. All of them. He tried to convince me his lying is my fault. Then he took it back and said he lies in order to make himself feel and look better. To feel important. I have given him so many chances. Has anyone been in a situation like this? Will he change his lying ways? It seems as though he doesn't even respect me... There have been more lies than what I have listed.I listed the ones that bothered me the most. Sorry about the long post.... ADVICE PLEASE!!! Reread your post and concentartate on the bolded, underlined & italicized parts and you will know where the genesis of your problems lIe, good luck to you. Edited March 3, 2010 by SRV
skywriter Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 (edited) I have to agree with Red Devil on this. You are fighting a losing battle trying to change someone, or even asking or expecting someone to change for you. People change for themselves because they want to, not for other people. If they try to change for other people, more than likely they'll resent you for it. You marry someone as they are, not with the notion of who you want them to be or become. Sounds as if you are both young and have alot of maturing to do. If you continue they way you are, you stand to drive each other away. As for smoking, it's a powerful addiction, has nothing to do with how you value another. Even if he only smokes occasionally and claims to have control over it. When his body is craving the smoke, it's truly craving that smoke. Back off and you may get more positive behavior. Edited March 3, 2010 by skywriter
LisaUk Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Men lie when they are being controlled. You are very controlling and he doesn't want to disappoint you If you didn't want to marry a smoker, you should not have. Why would you ask someone to change who they are?! He's a grown man and you need to treat him like a husband and not a child Lies are NOT acceptable but I suspect when you ease up a bit, he will stop lying Reddevil, your signiture, where is your belief reflected in your above post? Absolutely he is a grown man and as such who or what stopped him from expressing his opinions? When did wanting to avoid disappointing your spouse become a reason to be dishonest? Whatever others think about the OP's boudaries, is not the issue here IMHO, to the OP they are important. Whether we agree or not is not the issue, the issue is she expressed her boundaries and he choose to lie. That was his choice, in doing so, he removed her choice. It is simply not possible to have a healthy relationship without honesty, no matter what the excuse or reason, lying is never conjunctive to that.
LisaUk Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I have to agree with Red Devil on this. You are fighting a losing battle trying to change someone, or even asking or expecting someone to change for you. People change for themselves because they want to, not for other people. If they try to change for other people, more than likely they'll resent you for it. You marry someone as they are, not with the notion of who you want them to be or become. The OP did not ask her H to change, she expressed her boundray, her bottom line, she had every right to do so, regardless of what we may or may not think of that boundray. By lying to her her H took away her right to decide, like I said above the issue isn't what she asked, it is how he responded. You say she had no right to ask him to change, so what gives him the right to "ask" (b/c he didn't, he decieved), her to change her needs and beliefs? No relationship can exisit without compromise, but how can the OP compromise with someone who is not expressing the truth?
Gunny376 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 As for smoking, it's a powerful addiction, has nothing to do with how you value another. Even if he only smokes occasionally and claims to have control over it. When his body is craving the smoke, it's truly craving that smoke. ! SjyWriter "Quitting smoking is easy! I've done it thosands of times!" Mark Twain
skywriter Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Lisa and Gunny, I see both your points. ...and since none of us really know what has actually gone on, exchange of words , promises , expectations we can only specualte. Given the poster OP says she asked him, yes she did try to establish what she was willing to accept. It's rediculous to expect someone to change who they are, they were who they were when you got with them. If you don't like who they are, you walk away. You don't say, oh but I'll love you "if". Either you do or you don't. Same goes for him. People are who they are. People change because they feel motivated to change themselves. Gunny, smoking is easy for some people, not all people. I know a guy who was diagnosed with lung cancer in both lungs, used several methods for stopping his addiction to cigs. to no avail. People who love him, can't make him stop, he has to do it for himself.
ADF Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Here's some advice: stop being such a smothering control freak. Holy cow! You want to police every bit of your husbands behavior. You want total control over what puts in his body, who he spend his with, what he can and cannot discuss--what is wrong with you? Get professional help.
LisaUk Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Lisa and Gunny, I see both your points. ...and since none of us really know what has actually gone on, exchange of words , promises , expectations we can only specualte. Given the poster OP says she asked him, yes she did try to establish what she was willing to accept. It's rediculous to expect someone to change who they are, they were who they were when you got with them. If you don't like who they are, you walk away. You don't say, oh but I'll love you "if". Either you do or you don't. Same goes for him. People are who they are. People change because they feel motivated to change themselves. Gunny, smoking is easy for some people, not all people. I know a guy who was diagnosed with lung cancer in both lungs, used several methods for stopping his addiction to cigs. to no avail. People who love him, can't make him stop, he has to do it for himself. Skywriter, I agree with you totally about being with someone for who they are and not saying I'll love you if, but every day in a relationship there are compromises to be made, we may ask regularly for our spouse to do or not do something out of respect for our boundaries, and if they choose to do it, that's out of their love and respect for our needs and vice versa. For example like the OP asking that he be available should she go into labour and not to be out partying. I see nothing unreasonable in that personally, but if her H did, then he should have said so, not hidden it and lied. What is not OK, is to lie when we don't want to do something or do something. Being honest and hashing it out is the name of the game, that affords the other person the respect they deserve and the ability to make their own decisions based on reality not fiction. PS I agree with the smoking, I'm a smoker and it is indeed an addiction.
skywriter Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Lisa, You make some very valid points in your post. In fact, I believe learning to compromise comes with maturity and growth in a relationship. It develops over time. Respect, ah well, you either have it or you don't, sometimes. The lieing, part of the respect. Which comes back to, we are, who we are. If this is who he was before, the marriage , it's probably who she got. Not being available and sober in case she went into labour. That's just wrong, and shows a lack of maturity. Sounds like maybe, he's young, and wasn't quite ready for responsiblity.
RedDevil66 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Reddevil, your signiture, where is your belief reflected in your above post? Absolutely he is a grown man and as such who or what stopped him from expressing his opinions? When did wanting to avoid disappointing your spouse become a reason to be dishonest? Whatever others think about the OP's boudaries, is not the issue here IMHO, to the OP they are important. Whether we agree or not is not the issue, the issue is she expressed her boundaries and he choose to lie. That was his choice, in doing so, he removed her choice. It is simply not possible to have a healthy relationship without honesty, no matter what the excuse or reason, lying is never conjunctive to that. see the part where I said lies are NOT acceptable! Don't twist what I said. The OP is a control freak and wants this guy to stop smoking and is nagging him to stop. Hence why he lies. Sure he should not lie, he should grow a spine and stand up for himself instead of lying. What about his boundaries!
LisaUk Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 see the part where I said lies are NOT acceptable! Don't twist what I said. The OP is a control freak and wants this guy to stop smoking and is nagging him to stop. Hence why he lies. Sure he should not lie, he should grow a spine and stand up for himself instead of lying. What about his boundaries! Reddevil, I never meant to twist what you said, point taken you did say lies aren't acceptable. I personally don't think the OP is a control freak, she has pointed out many other situations where her H is lying to her, other than the smoking, like going out drinking when she was pregnant with his child and may go into labour at any moment.
Author tjmsnail Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 Men lie when they are being controlled. You are very controlling and he doesn't want to disappoint you If you didn't want to marry a smoker, you should not have. Why would you ask someone to change who they are?! He's a grown man and you need to treat him like a husband and not a child Lies are NOT acceptable but I suspect when you ease up a bit, he will stop lying He told me he quit smoking before I married him. I thought I wasn't marrying a smoker.
RedDevil66 Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 He told me he quit smoking before I married him. I thought I wasn't marrying a smoker. Yeah he lied cause he loves you and wanted to marry you so he had to lie to do that. He's more guilty of not standing up to you than being a liar. Ok, so you married a smoker. You cannot go back and undo what is done, all you can do it deal with what is He smokes, Is that worth leaving him over?! I promise you, if you give this guy some rope and chill on the control, he will stop lying to you
phineas Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I do sense a little bit of a control issue with the OP. The smoking thing, i'd be pissed & feel duped if I was in that situation because I won't get involved with a smoker because i just can't stand the smell or tar coating that builds up in heavy smokers homes. I can totally understand the getting smashed thing when she could go in labor also. I agree her strictness is causing him to lie. But, letting him off the leash so to speak so he stops lieing isn't going to fix their problems. They need to sit down & talk. They smoking thing may be a deal breaker. But, they have kid together & marriage is work. It isn't easy & effortless. If she can't comunicate to him properly then maybe some MC is in order. But i've learned MC is a waste of time & money if both people arn't on board.
tnttim Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 You think she's controlling? She's pushing him so far away he might as well be overseas, owe wait a minute he is already. I hate to break it to you but you can't control anyone, just yourself. You married a smoking, lying, and drinking man. Either get a divorce, believe his lies, or say f*ck it I don't care. I lean towards the latter.
tnttim Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Reread your post and concentartate on the bolded, underlined & italicized parts and you will know where the genesis of your problems lIe, good luck to you. Great post, if she can't see she's controlling, then she never will.
Recommended Posts