Button Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Hi all Hoping for some advice - I've been with my partner for 6 and a half years, we met at University and now live together. When we were at University, my partner seemed to have a lot of drive and ambition and when we graduated he opted to pursue a PhD. However, it was only really chance that he ended up doing the PhD as he has a random scattergun approach to what he ends up doing - he applied for lots of courses and jobs and took the one he was offered, which happened to be the PhD. Now he's nearly finished the PhD and he wishes he'd never started it, he's sick of the project (which was never really aligned with his interests) and he's not even sure he will pass. He thinks he's wrecked his career as he told me he doesn't really want to stay in academia but he has very little other work experience besides the PhD. However, on the phone just now he told me he's probably going to apply for post-doctoral research jobs because that's the logical progression from a PhD. I don't want him to do this, because I think he's taking the same approach to job-hunting as last time, i.e. apply for whatever and just do that. I don't think he even really wants to do a post doc, and to be honest I don't think he'll even get one as they are very competitive. I asked him what his back-up plan was, and he was 'Oh, I suppose I'll just have to teach.' However, I know he doesn't really want to do this either as he said so on another occasion. I find his approach all wrong, he isn't making any effort to think about what he actually wants to do or what he enjoys. I'm worried he's going to pick something on a whim and end up hating his job the way he hates his PhD - he's really unhappy at the moment and I don't want him to end up in a career where he's going to be permanently unhappy. But he just won't try and get some direction, he thinks it's pointless, that he just has to take what he's given. He has none of the motivation he had when we were at Uni together, it's like he's given up on having a fulfilling career. I don't want to have to worry about his career fulfillment as well as my own, and I'm stressed because I know the career decisions he makes will also affect me in the long-term. We will have to make decisions about where to live etc based on our career choices - I won't feel happy moving, for example, for his career if it's a career he doesn't even care about. I want him to be happy and I want him to CARE about what he does, but he's so blase and it's hard to discuss his attitude with him because he just claims that we're different people - i.e. I need to be organised and have a plan and he doesn't. I just think that he hasn't yet got to the stage where he will realise that he DOES actually need a plan - he's been in education forever and has no experience of having a proper job. He doesn't understand the need for five-year plans etc in terms of career progression, and he doesn't seem to realise that his choices will affect us both as a couple in the long-term, not only financially but in terms of where we live and what kind of life we have. I want to support him but I'm not sure how, because I don't want to come across like I'm nagging him to get a career. I don't mind what he does as long as he's on a trajectory and is happy - he's not going to be happy with this continuing scattergun approach to life and employment because he'll never figure out what he really wants. Sorry for the essay - any advice?
Ecosse Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Write this down... get it fully organized ... tell it to him from a point of view that you are concerned about his happiness and want to help... dont nag him tho
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