devastated1 Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 ive seen some stories similar to this but none that seem quite the same. i guess every story is always a little different. anyways... my wife and i had twin boys 15 months ago. she suffered some post partum after their birth. i thought we handled it properly at the time but in hindsight, probably not as we should have. a month or so later she came out of the dark and seemed to be more clear headed. the responsibility of twins became very challenging. she was always a career driven, highly motivated woman but the stress, anxiety, and after effects of the birth and post partum left a large mark on her. i thought the marriage was fairly normal for parents transitioning to parenthood and coping with the sacrifice and challenges of twins. ive always been extremely supportive and even in this time of great sadness, ive received great support from both families in regards to the efforts ive made. as time went on, she started taking medication prescribed by a psychiatrist. the combinations were mostly anti depression, anxiety, bipolar, and mood disorder drugs.... not all at once but at least 2 at a time. they often changed (adderall, ativan, lexapro, etc). she also began taking pain pills (percocet, oxycodone, xanax) and drinking a lot. she was never "wasted" but clearly self medicating and using the drugs/alcohol as a coping mechanism. in the late fall things began to get very strange. we were in therapy and she communicated a need for significant space. we were always very close, best friends if you will, so the space was a clear sign. it didnt take long for me to observe more strange behavior and in late december i put the pieces together that she was having an affair with a woman. my wife never showed any signs of homosexuality in the 9 years we knew each other and no one in life ever saw any signs either. i told her she needed to leave and figure out what she wanted in life so she went away for a week, found some help, and came home more like her old self than anyone had seen in over a year. she found a job and felt like her life was back on track. the only problem is that she now believes she is gay and claims to have had curiosities that were never addressed her whole life. i cant be in a marriage without affection and intimacy so the choice is clear for me but i cant help but think she is confused and has been influenced by the craziness of the past year. the affair was and is an option for her and while we've been trying to work things out, it simply cannot be accomplished because her heart isnt in it. her heart, at least a part of it, is with this other person who represents a fairy tale life nothing like that which we've created in our 3+ years of marriage/9 years together. its devastating to me and she will be moving out soon because we have no other choice. i cant understand how someone can base such important life decisions on a time period of confusion and sickness. if she is gay than so be it but this is a devastating series of events for not only me but also my young children. any thoughts or life experiences that may help me would be much appreciated. thanks.
mimidarlin Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Wow...well it isn't my personal experience but related to me by my doctor about a situation they experienced. They had a patient who was in her early 30's and a successful lawyer. She got pregnant and went to the doctor for the first checkup. It has become normal to recommend an HIV test for pregnant mothers because medicines are available to stop transmission to the fetus. I don't know if the patient thought she might be at risk or not. She had the test and turned out to be HiV positive. Turns out her husband of eight years had been living a gay lifestyle on the side for a long time. Exposing his wife and infant to HIV. I don't know when this story took place. It could have been in the late 90's. We live in the south and her husband might have thought being married would be a good cover. I'm sure that being openly gay may have hurt his law career during that time. The amount of betrayal of trust in this story and yours astounds me. Your wife might have been aware of this desire for women for a long time. It may have realized she wasn't happy in marriage so maybe this would make her happy. I agree with you that she is making a major decision when she might not be most clear headed. What can you do though? Best of luck.
Recommended Posts