dannie19 Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I am not doing as well as I was with the end of the affair & am starting to lose perspective. If you seen my previous threads you'll know that for over a year I've been seeing a colleague who has a lot of problems with drink,drugs,depression. We parted badly 2weeks ago because he was becoming cold,using me as an escape from his life,to stabalise his other 22year relationship,well the usual pattern these affairs take. Thing is I wasn't hugely upset by the end,I was ignoring his request to b friends. Now though he's really got to me,he claims he has a job interview in Germany. This has got to me not because I care that I won't be able to see him but because he is such a winner,he is a man who has drunk in same pub for 20years,at same table,same clothes almost! We went to seaside once & literally he was a monster until we got back in London. I don't think this makes sense (not jealous of potentially living abroad,if he goes some of his biggest probs go with him) I just feel like a loser,he always gets his way,has life of Riley. I feel so unlucky,I am lost,I dont know my direction or how to find it. He has also said end of relationship my fault & everything in my head & I am just blaming him as it my way of dealing with it. Maybe he's right? I am so muddled & resentful.
califnan Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I think I know this man .. He is a user and it does seem that he always falls into it - and lives the life of Riley .. He will be the last to admit it, but probably there is someone in his life who uses him, as he uses others. Remember thought, that you have no idea - what lies ahead for him .. The only way we can get back ontop is to reclaim our lives .. Do what you have always wanted to do or make plans to strive for the life you wish to have.. It could be continued education - toward job, creativity, etc etc ..
jj33 Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Dannie I know just how you feel if that makes you feel any better. Its like how comd he gets to just go on and have all these opportunities and you are there stuck wondering why things arent happening for you... Its cliche but true to say go off and live your life, its full of opportunties you make your luck etc etc etc. But more than that, one thing I have realized is that if I feel stuck, if I feel like my forays into making my life better have left me like a hamster on a wheel trying and doing etc etc but getting no closer to what I want for myself... while he seems to have such a fab life.... Well that has nothing to do with him. That is on me. And whether he wsa married or single, if I am not pleased with where I am in my life, or how my life has turned out, I just need to keep on trying new avenues because that has nothing to do with him. He wasnt the knight in shining armor. He didnt "save" me and bring me happiness. He was what he was. And then he was worse... But the bottom line is I need to fix my own life. Still working on that one I hope that makes sense. Take care it does get better
RedDevil66 Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 He deflecting and placing blame on you. Active addicts are also known as emotional vampires. They will suck the soul right out of you. You've place all your happiness in this one person. He's become your addiction. Get yourself to an Al Anon meeting.
jj33 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Dannie your situation really strikes a chord with me because although the men sound different their reactions are similar. Hes blaming YOU? well... its hard to place "blame" in a situation like this. It ended, you are dealing with it, what were you supposed to do? Put up with his bad behaviour forever? Especially while he was married to someone else where you never really had a chance to iron out hte issues in your relationship? (putting aside his problems) It may be too soon but read your words. If a friend came to you and said I am seeing this guy hes mentally unstable, hes addicted to drugs, hes an alcoholic.... wouldnt you stop her RIGHT THERE AND SAY WHAT ARE YOU DOING Then add to that the fact that he is treating her badly? How long would you allow her to excuse his behavior due to the above? Yes that might explain it but in no way does it excuse it or mean you need to put up with it You are not his wife, his daughter, his mother his sister. He treats you badly you are out right? Now add to that the fact that he is married and not avaialble to you (forgetting the morals etc) You would tell a friend to run as fast as she could in the other direction For whatever reason you got hooked on this guy. It sounds like you are depressed yourself. If you werent, you wouldnt be hooked on this guy. You would expect more for yourself from a partner and you wouldnt see him as a "winner" while seeing yourself on the sidelines of life.
Author dannie19 Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Thank you for your ongoing support,advice & most of all patience. I do feel like a hamster stuck on a wheel,everything seems such a lot of effort and yet he can sit drunk in a pub & be offered the new start he dreams of,we dreamed of. I don't really know what I want,which is pathetic for my age,38. You are right about me being bit depressed,though hopefully it due to my 'lost' situation,not mental health like him. Am worried I may just drift along till next MM fancies an affair or even worse allow him back in my life. Though good news is when I see him at work I really don't find him attractive & when I hear him speaking to my colleagues I think what a load of rubbish. Wish I'd never got involved,he's ruined things & I let him. Ug.
Getting_stronger Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I've been seeing a colleague who has a lot of problems with drink,drugs,depression. Dannie look at your own words babe. He sounds like a loser to me. I hear you though, my exAP is rich, flash cars, overseas holidays and his wife has all this at her disposal. But he is emotionally retarded, a workaholic, self-centred and arrogant. Could I live with that - not for all the money or success in the world. Not confuse tangible success with real happiness mate. On your deathbed (and I have seen this in person) there is only the love you gave and the love you have earned that you take with you. He may miss out here I think. xx
califnan Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Dannie .. You do not know what lays ahead for this self destructable man .. The good news is that God has blessed you to be the Whole beautiful woman that you are - and with no restraining ties .. Seek that which you feel will enhance your own life (outside of another man) - just for now ..
jj33 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Youd have to be depressed to want him (or even think you do). He sounds like a functioning alcoholic. Perhaps he is charming and you only know what you know because you got close to him. And then you saw the monstrous side as well. Thats not uncommon. You are feeling lost in yourself. You fell for him. You thought you had a plan. Now that plan has fallen apart. And now you are feeling rudderless again. Thats OK. You need to be here now feeling this way (much as it sucks). Because he was a false avenue. Its kind of like thinking you had a great set of directions and ended up on a cul de sac and had to go right back where you started. So you arent where you want to be, but it doesnt mean you wont get there. Big hugs
Author dannie19 Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to help me through this. I really wonder if I would have got this far without Loveshack,have gained so much insight from here. An extra thank you to JJ33 & Skywriter for following my story from the outset & constantly being spot on,how do you do that!
Author dannie19 Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Why are things getting worse and more confusing?! I am obsessing now about him going to Germany, it's really upsetting me, even though it seems really unlikely knowing what I do about him and the job in Germany. Yesterday at work he left a red currant bush on my desk! What?! Why?! Later I got hit the face with a door (I work with challenging teenagers) and today am off with my injuries! He was meant to be with me at the time but wasn't and doesn't seem guilty! He later just sent a text saying the bush didn't close to what I deserved! I don't get him, this or any of it.
skywriter Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 danniegal, Try, (and I know it's hard) to find ways to occupy your mind from obsessing. Right now, I'm going through my own version of less contact, as well. So this comes directly from "the source", so to speak. Go for walks, (with friends is all the better). Anything, to complete another day without the drama. He's yanking your chain, and he's obviously seeing he's losing control of you. The way I see it for myself is. I can end this now, or I can prolong the inevitable, face a dday and still have it end , but not on my terms. Either way, it's a bad recipe. (( Big Hugs)) You are doing well, just hang on.
Author dannie19 Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 He's just texted that he's going to move to Germany as soon as he can. He's lived in the same place for 22 years so why now, so suddenly? I am mortified. I can't stop crying. What am I going to do. He doesn't deserve a new start, I deserve some luck not him, I haven't been cruel and selfish, he has and he gets to move away and forget about me. He got and gets eferything he wnats while abusing people and casuing upset. Everything's gone wrong so quickly and don't know why or how to make life better.
califnan Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 He's just texted that he's going to move to Germany as soon as he can. He's lived in the same place for 22 years so why now, so suddenly? I am mortified. I can't stop crying. What am I going to do. He doesn't deserve a new start, I deserve some luck not him, I haven't been cruel and selfish, he has and he gets to move away and forget about me. He got and gets eferything he wnats while abusing people and casuing upset. Everything's gone wrong so quickly and don't know why or how to make life better. NO Dannie .. You are not seeing the Future - as it will be .. ..
Author dannie19 Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Thank you for that, I wish I could see the future and I wish for it all to be miserable for him. He's just made me feel even worse and set me off crying again, talk about kicking a dog when it's down. He's just a text saying we were in a relationship neither of us wanted (he chased me for goodness sake, relentlessly, pathetically). How dare he put words in my mouth and tell me my feelings. He went onto write but we are getting on really well now, what's that about, I had only said good morning and grunting at him when he tried to have a conversation at work. This is too much, too unbelievable. Sorry for keeping on with this thread, it just helps, bit of a sancutuary in this madness.
califnan Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Many many years ago I was in love with a man (he was separated from his wife) .. We dated a few times and I was crazy about him .. He really just wanted to have sex with me, and made it clear that no sex, no further dates .. I was a virgin, and wanted more than that .. We worked together - he was transferred up north to another job .. I cried and cried out to God I was so devastated to the point - that I could no longer stay at my good job within the company.. I quit and went to work elsewhere.. While at the new job, a co-worker introduced me to my husband .. we seemed perfect for each other .. everything was exhilarating and exciting .. we married three months later.. NO .. not in This economy - you don't leave your Precious job - but I am just showing you how God works, and that we have no idea what the future holds ..
Author dannie19 Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Thank you for sharing that. You are right I don't know what the future holds, just hard to move out of negative mode right now, especially when he keeps hitting me below the belt so to speak and well the future seems so far away, it's been three weeks now and thought things would be better than they are. Am either moving along in limbo just numb or sobbing. Anyhow, bought a gym outfit today, never been to a gym in my life, obviously a knee jerk reaction though hopefully a good one! Thank you again so much. By the way that's a lovely serene image that you have with your username.
califnan Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Thank you for sharing that. You are right I don't know what the future holds, just hard to move out of negative mode right now, especially when he keeps hitting me below the belt so to speak and well the future seems so far away, it's been three weeks now and thought things would be better than they are. Am either moving along in limbo just numb or sobbing. Anyhow, bought a gym outfit today, never been to a gym in my life, obviously a knee jerk reaction though hopefully a good one! Thank you again so much. By the way that's a lovely serene image that you have with your username. Thank you Dannie - I love her too. I am into antiques and she is from an old children's book - about 100 yrs old .. She is on the cover of the book - and has children around her - and she is reading to them .. A few years ago, in preparation for my 50 yr class reunion, I joined Curves For Women, gym .. I really enjoyed it .. and got to be good friends with some of the women too ..
Author dannie19 Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 Thank you for your on-going support. Wish we had a gym called Curves for Women here (England) but never seen one. My latest is a possible breakthrough,a dawning,feels like it at moment. He just texted 'We'll always be friends & talk because we love each other. That is NEVER going to change' How arrogant. He thinks he controls me. He's deluded. He can't & he won't. I'm suddenly feeling really determined. Think he underestimates me. Trust I can keep it up. Argh,the ugly arrogance.
califnan Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Thank you for your on-going support. Wish we had a gym called Curves for Women here (England) but never seen one. My latest is a possible breakthrough,a dawning,feels like it at moment. He just texted 'We'll always be friends & talk because we love each other. That is NEVER going to change' How arrogant. He thinks he controls me. He's deluded. He can't & he won't. I'm suddenly feeling really determined. Think he underestimates me. Trust I can keep it up. Argh,the ugly arrogance. Maybe it is best to not respond to him, unless you wish to tell him that you love him and you are sorry that it ended the way it did .. You do seem to love him .. If you challenge him, and the relationship ends on a bad note - there will always be a question in your mind about if the two of you would have been able to make it .. If you are nice to him - it could drive him crazy in the time to come .. Or otherwise, not to respond to him at all ..
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