JamesAddiction Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 How do you get that fear of being hurt or being dumped again, Out of your System? I'm far from thinking about looking for another girl. It's the last thing on my mind. I'm focusing more on my life, My career and just my loves and passions:art, Music etc. I've been in relationships where I've given My all in terms of Caring, My Love, Support, Inspirtaions. I'm a really cool, down to earth guy. I Care very much for other's feelings. I once was in a relationship with a girl who i liked very much, We stayed together while she went away to school and when I went out to visit her 3 months later, I found out she had cheated on me. And she told me she wanted to be with him more. WHATEVER. Then I was in a 3 year relationship with a wonderful girl who loved me very much and i loved her Twice as much and did all I could to take care of her needs and be a good boyfriend to her. But she broke up with me because she wanted to be alone and Find Herself. I was Crushed. I Still Am. I'm just wondering, when the time comes where maybe I will meet someone else, How can I get that fear of being dumped or left behind. I"m so afraid at this point of giving my heart to anyone else because, I don't want it to get trampled on. When I give my love, I give it Fully. And it just seems like there arent any other people out there like that...How can I Rid Myself of that Fear?
thehappyclam Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 I don't know if there's anything you can do. I think you just need time alone to grow, to heal, to better yourself....I am willing to bet that given enough time, you will gradually be able to trust again. It may seem impossible right now, but I'm sure it will happen. I'm sorry about your losses. It sounds like you're hurting a lot and are doubting whether you should ever love again. I'm sure that when it's the right girl, you will be able to give yourself fully again. Don't worry too much about it right now. If in a couple months you still feel the same way, maybe you can talk to a cognitive therapist or something. Love can hurt alot, but I think we both know that the pleasure is more than worth the pain. Stay strong and don't give up faith!
UCFKevin Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 Trust is a very interesting thing for me. My first "girlfriend" ended up being secretly engaged to her "ex" and wasn't going to tell me, she was gonna let me go off to college without finding out. I found out and byebye went my trust. It took me a LONG time to get over that and ever since then I'd had severe trust issues. I've gotten better with time, although in my last relationship, trust wasn't always there, for fear of her doing something stupid while getting drunk or leaving me for someone else like she left her ex for me. What happened to you more or less happened to me, but we were on a "break" which is just about the dumbest god damn thing to do, but that's neither here nor there. If this is your first screwing over, it's gonna take a while to recover. Don't try to push anything or make yourself feel a way you know you aren't really feeling. Just don't be bitter. Don't be a hermit. Well, be a hermit for a little bit, get it out of your system, but don't get used to it.
Bubbles Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 I have to agree with UCFKevin. Take some time to yourself. If you don't think that you can trust again, then don't date anyone. If you do.....all your'e going to do is second guess everything the gal does and says. That's not fair to her or to you. I know a lot of people who have gone on this path of destruction. Heal first.......date later Good luck JamesAddiction , Bubbles
Author JamesAddiction Posted January 8, 2004 Author Posted January 8, 2004 Thanks UCFKev, Bubbles, Clam, Yeah, I'm so NOT ready for anyone else, I was just curious for when and If the time ever comes. This whole thing just happened and I'm still dealing with it because she hasn't gotten all of her stuff out of the apartment we share. And KEV, I don't understand the whole "Break" thing either. I do, but I Don't. I'm sensitive to women needing space and needing their time alone to themselves, But taking a break is silly. Might as well just break up. Also, with a girl that you love who says that she hopes that we can someday be back together, How can you ever trust her to not leave again. It's just a tough thing. Love Is Strange.
UCFKevin Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 Yeah. That's definitely a problem right there. There IS no guarantee that it won't happen again. Too much to worry about, man. I always said that if a girl I'm seeing ever wanted a break, I'd just end it completely. Of course, until you're actually IN the situation, it's easy to say that. But love...maybe even desperation...changes things.
Summerday Posted January 8, 2004 Posted January 8, 2004 Can a 40 year old male ever forgive infidelity? Not in a marriage, living together for 3.5 years.
InLoKo Posted January 9, 2004 Posted January 9, 2004 Originally posted by Summerday Can a 40 year old male ever forgive infidelity? Not in a marriage, living together for 3.5 years. I think your post is off-topic and you need to start your own thread.
Arabess Posted January 9, 2004 Posted January 9, 2004 James, I think one of the saddest things in life is finding out the one person you thought you could trust to catch you if you fell....was the one who actually pushed you off the cliff (so to speak). It's TOUGH! After that, surely there are alot of heart and trust issues you have to work thru. I've found that since it happened to me.....I enter into meeting new guys completely different than I once did. I really don't dive into my feelings at all. I keep them in check. I look for different 'signs' which I didn't look for before. So, maybe it doesn't mess you up when someone breaks your heart and trust.....maybe it just makes you wiser. Arabess
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 So, maybe it doesn't mess you up when someone breaks your heart and trust.....maybe it just makes you wiser. Arabess i'd rather go back to being less wiser and generally not going through all the heartbreak... i believe what has happened to me personally has messed me up the past few years... this isn't a good thing! i was generally a happy guy until i got into serious relationships ( 6 years ago ) i wish i could go back to before this
cynicalnlove Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 You know I've been like you for a long time. It took me almost 6 years to recover from trusting anyone. I still dont' trust anyone, but I finally gave my heart to someone and you know what.. like yours it ended up being the same thing. I couldn't belived it, since i thought that I'm wiser now. But I know what you feel, its painful. I did the whole hermit thing, for years and years and years. I came back to this dating world and you know what, it hasn't changed. People are still decietful and manipulative.. Just be careful, if you find that true soul - keep it and try to make everything work for it. I don't know if you'll ever be the same, i know I haven't. I'm actually shriveled from this, and like you - i wonder if i will ever fall out of it.
meltwithme Posted December 13, 2005 Posted December 13, 2005 I definatly have some trust issues, I don't know if I can ever trust a girl again. Hopefully I will be able to but right now I'm focusing on girls lookin for a good time. Hmmm wow this just hit me, I always seem to pick out girls that are kinda... 'bitches' and couldn't care less about me but it never really bothered me because I didn't have relationships with them. Now my ex was a virgin and so the relationship just came natural but deep down she was still that same type of lady that I seem to gravitate toward. I need to find a good gal for my next relationship..... hmmm a reason to get back to church more often I guess lol.
travellingman Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Nothing sadder than watching defense mechanisms keep two people who are really into each other from being together.
riobikini Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 James, you sound like me in so many ways, - especially the " I give ALL of me part". And it is disgusting to think that, if we're cut from that particular cloth, we end up getting hurt often. It's like we're carring this big flashing sign that reads "Use me". No matter how careful or intelligent you think you are being in evaluating the beginnings of the relationship, tho, you wind up with someone who takes and takes, but never gives back anything. From my own personal experience, (and I'm not bragging, here), being particularly attractive is not really an asset in that you will only attract more possible people who are shallow, and are notorious 'takers'. And sometimes, I have gotten so frustrated with what's 'out there' in terms of people to date, that I just didn't date for long periods. When I came back to the decision to date again, it was scarey....like diving back into a pool of sharks and users. Changing places (even states) where I could meet possible compatible people didn't seem to help much either. I looked deeper into my personal list of 'criteria' (I think everyone has that list), I found that what I had grouped together as 'must haves' were pretty basic characteristics and needs. I thought that might be the problem, so I went even deeper into my wish list to define it, hoping that would help weed out the indifferent, the abusive, and the shallow. Still, there were problems. Serious ones. Silly ones. And just plain scarey ones. I am still struggling to learn to evaluate with greater accuracey the 'possibles' that smile so charmingly as they approach me. I am trying to look past the smiles, the personal history that they are willing to tell me with large bits missing as they rattle through the details of their past. I am getting better, but there are some who are just so damn good at presenting a lovely package that contains every surprise from screwed up minds/hearts to nothing but air on the inside. They are incredible actors. But I still have hope. I still believe human beings were made to love hot, hard, and deep. And my personal consolation is that I have experienced absolute true love at least once in my life (a husband, he died years ago)....and I know what it feels like, how it strengthens you, how it comforts you and provides a safe place you can be yourself and run to, like a shelter, when you need it. I know how it can be a source of encouragement in everything you attempt to do in your life, and how it enriches you, and (even after it's gone) inspires you to hunger for it and keep seeking it. It is powerful....and when you've tasted it, you will not settle for less. That's why I keep trying...taking chances, Love is rare...people who truly truly seek it are rare...people who can truly give it are rare.....people like you, James. Your sign is flashing for the same reason that mine is. Because we were meant to love. Take care. -Rio
Art_Critic Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 This thread is 2 years old.. The OP James has not been on LS in 2 years.
riobikini Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 The problem he has is universal and still current in relationships, ArtCritic. It may help someone visiting the forums who is going throught the same thing. Take care.
In Sync Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I am trying to look past the smiles, the personal history that they are willing to tell me with large bits missing as they rattle through the details of their past. I am getting better, but there are some who are just so damn good at presenting a lovely package that contains every surprise from screwed up minds/hearts to nothing but air on the inside. They are incredible actors. But I still have hope. I still believe human beings were made to love hot, hard, and deep. Though the thread is two years old...with matters of the heart seems like the same frustrations keep coming around and around. I need to start looking past the smiles as well, it's often the case that we fall for those that make us feel flattered and are charming. One does not tend to go for the brooders or problematic ones at start. My challenge to myself is to learn how to weed out what's real behind the smiles and flattery and not give my heart soooo readily. I mean there is no barometer....you can think a person is terrific and sincere but how do you resist that pull to fall for that when as humans you crave that desire to bond with someone?
riobikini Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 RE:....you can think a person is terrific and sincere but how do you resist that pull to fall for that when as humans you crave that desire to bond with someone? IN SYNC: Again, just speaking from my own experiences....sometimes, (I have to admit), I allow the encounter to progress into a dating relationship even tho, I see an immediate problem. I do this because: #1) I realize no one is perfect. #2) To see if I have the wrong first impression. #3) To see if the good outweighs the 'bad'. So, in some ways I don't listen to my own good judgement. -Rio
In Sync Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 RE:....you can think a person is terrific and sincere but how do you resist that pull to fall for that when as humans you crave that desire to bond with someone? IN SYNC: Again, just speaking from my own experiences....sometimes, (I have to admit), I allow the encounter to progress into a dating relationship even tho, I see an immediate problem. I do this because: #1) I realize no one is perfect. #2) To see if I have the wrong first impression. #3) To see if the good outweighs the 'bad'. So, in some ways I don't listen to my own good judgement. -Rio There's another little thing we never talk about regarding this ignoring signs about someone and proceeding cautiously...it's called pheromones. the little chemical that draws you to a person despites the surface bad signals that are obvious. aside from the smiles and being charming...if the pheromones are strong...you won't walk away that easy from a bad apple. that is why we keep giving people "ex's" chances and overlooking that "wrong impression" because that undercurrent will distort one's perception. How many times have you experienced that I can't get over him/her even though that ex is awful in their treatment to the other..because that chemical we are each drawn to in another is powerful. How many times have you seen two people who are so (on the surface) seem incompatible but they find themselves attracted to one another...aside from personality it's pheromones. We tend to forget our animal drives keep us in something (we'll make all kinds of excuses to stay or break NC) logic would dictate we should really think twice of staying with.
grace2005 Posted December 17, 2005 Posted December 17, 2005 I agree we certainly have that desire and drive to bond with someone else. I'm trying to kill that desire in me through NC. Not just NC with the ex but NC with all women in general. At least avoid as much contact as possible. I don't want to ever go through this pain again. One of the things I learned is that even if the dumper wants to come back you'll have to deal with the resentment for them leaving you in the first place. That was the next stage I found myself going through when my ex wanted to come back and consequently I dumped her this time around. The tables have turned. They have to learn that they can't walk in and out of our lives when they feel like it! I won't talk to her unless she's begging and crying for me to come back. Even then I may not respond. Whenever I'm tempted to call her I come here and post instead.
riobikini Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 IN SYNC: I am glad for this discussion topic on why we can be attracted to a totally wrong 'someone'. It has lots of potential for sharing, and comparing personal experiences and perhaps, understanding, of our own behavior relating to the emotional and physiological. InSync, I agree that phermones play a part in human relationships, although, it isn't concrete, as far as the scientific absolute proof goes, that they cause us to be drawn to the opposite sex without having the ability to stop it. Despite the unproven theories, tho, I personally, believe the outcome will one day result in the evidence that pheromones do affect us in a way very similar to the existing proof shown in insects and other animals. One major difference will be that, in humans, we have the ability to recognize where the lines are drawn for our safety and protection in regards to becoming involved with someone emitting these pheromones which induce powerful sexual attraction in some. We keep telling ourselves that the difference betweem animals and humans is intellect, skills for rationalization, and ability to love, but I sometimes wonder about that. But we do not have to wonder anymore whether pheromones exist, they do...it's scientific knowledge now...but whether they induce the same sexual attraction and behavior as shown in animals and insects is still the question. It would certainly explain alot if they did. We also know that certain hormones are produced during romantic relationships in larger quantity than if we are not in a love relationship. Dopamine, norepinehprine, (which is better known as adrenaline), and serotonin are all floating around in our bloodstream when we're 'in love'...actually when we're in the 'he/she-is-so-dreamy' phase. Oxytocin is another hormone directly involved with the act of having sex with someone. And these hormones don't just disappear within seconds after your body releases them. They affect you physiologically...your moods, your behavior, your thoughts...your health. They stay with you after you have broken up and cause you to long for him/her. That's why NC means 'no contact', -you are 'detoxing'. Those hormones have to have time to disperse, breakdown and leave your system so that you can begin to think rationally and heal. Blame the hormones for their role in making you question your sanity. Blame them for for your mood swings. Blame them for making you feel so damn crappy. But give them time to leave before starting any new relationship with anyone else. They'll just mislead you again, if you don't. There's alot to be said here...I hope this helps, some. Take care. -Rio
In Sync Posted December 18, 2005 Posted December 18, 2005 "One major difference will be that, in humans, we have the ability to recognize where the lines are drawn for our safety and protection in regards to becoming involved with someone emitting these pheromones which induce powerful sexual attraction in some." That's where we underestimate is indetectable power. We think we have evolved to recognize those lines but NO, when we are in the throes of passion, or under the influence of our hormones and pheromones forget...that intellect loses out to the animal drive. Remember it's certain pheromones that each individual is attracted to. The same person will not induce the same reaction in two different people. So reasoning goes out the window when you are with a jerk or jerkess but refuse to see them for what they are. How many times on this thread have you read over and over how a member has admitted (as I did) the person they were with was not even likable or they were mistreated. But they/ we still desired to be with them and let's be honest would still probably sleep with that ex if given that opportunity. You are sooo right NC is like 'detoxing'. Getting that person out of one's system.
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