silktricks Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Sorry if I wasn't clear....I agree that most women want to reconcile with a WS. What I was referring to is the long-term success of those marriages. It's not good. Despite attempts at reconcilation, it often ends in divorce anyway. IMO, that's in part because trust become irretrieveably broken or because the WS cheats again (or never stopped). On what do you base this?
wheelwright Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I find it somewhat disheartening and self limiting that so many OW/OM believe that the relationship a reconciled MP chooses after DDay, can in NO WAY be better than the relationship they had with the AP. Why is this? If I have to accept the true feelings (and I do and IT IS devastating!) of my WS for their AP during the affair, why is it so hard to believe that for many of us who choose to reconcile, and work hard at doing so, that the marriage is now the most amazing relationship we could ever have hoped for; maybe EVEN BETTER than the affair for our xWS. Is it painful to believe that? It is no more painful for a BS to believe their spouse was in love with another OW/OM. In fact, it is the reality WE MUST face if we do choose to succesfully reconcile, IMHO. So I tire of reading that the MP "could never have with their wife/husband what we had," as stated by many an OW/OM. Why do you feel that way? Or, why do you need to feel that way? Because I think that is an assumption that can limit, if not healing, than true growth. Opinions, anyone? I am a WS and OW who knows very well that the WS may successfully and fulfillingly reconnect to their M post A. When compassion is mixed with the remnants of love, it is a powerful thing indeed. Perhaps the kind of posters you are referring to did indeed experience what has become known as true love for the first time in an A. And this is terrible, because circumstances certainly do not stand in their favour. And in Ms where there was a great deal of love AND compatability the requirement for reconciliation is more easily met, even if another love was engendered during a problem period. Occasionally, and I don't think this happens very often even in the heady run of an A, mind-blowing levels of mutual attraction (not just physical) are encountered. The APs know it is a one off interpersonal experience. There is no minimization of any BSs in this, because it stands on its own - it is not actually about M problems, though they would probably exist. What happens between these two people is off the scale. It is felt as a gift - one they do not deserve because of circumstances. I would not in any way doubt the full and true love reconciliation you and your H are experiencing. I find it heartening to hear about. The OW/OM this thread questions who say their love is beyond that love that occurs in reconciliation are right and wrong. Right because they know the kind of love they were dealing with. Wrong, because they fail to recognise the huge power of a love that has lasted decades and can overcome even betrayal. A love that maintains mountains rather than moving them. Well, that love is a mountain. But we all know here on LS, that there are WSs who regret deeply the loss of love in the A, and that they stay in the M despite the fact they love their xAP better than their BS. I think most OW/OM here recognise these scenarios, and I think most BSs do too. That you are certain of the dynamic in your situation is testament to the mountain of love in your M.
fooled once Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 BL, on this we will have agree to disagree. There is NO LONELIER place in the world than to be in a marriage with a person you love and have them emotionally check out....and you do not understand why: What am I doing wrong? Why is he such a jerk to me? How come he finds fault with everything I do or say all of a sudden? Those were the loneliest time of my entire life, sharing a life with someone who appears to not give a whit about you and the life you have built together; not if you deeply love that person. You chalk it up to job stress, grieving the death of a parent; mid-life crisis, but you wonder, wonder, wonder why it seems he is just going through the motions and is a million miles away. IMHO, much much worse than the end of a relationship. WHY? Because you question and blame yourself and on some level, you undermine your ego, self-esteem and self-respect as you watch someone fall out of love with you and have no clear idea as to why. At least you OW/OM KNOW WHY it is ending. The BS has no idea until DDAY. And for me, DDay was somewhat of a relief in the sense, "oh....wait a minute....there IS SOMEONE ELSE." It explains so much to us. I totally agree with this post. I think the spouse, who has no idea of the affair, is the one who hurts the most in many cases. The OW/OM KNEW they were getting involved with someone who was married; but the spouse didn't know their partner was cheating.
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