Tnerforireyeh Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Study from Northwestern U last year showing that the simple act of being the one to approach makes you value the other person more than if you are the one approached. http://www.northwestern.edu/newscenter/stories/2009/06/finkel.html "The mere act of physically approaching a potential partner, versus being approached, seemed to increase desire for that partner." In fact later in the article it seems that the simple act of moving toward something, anything, makes you judge that thing more favorably. Pretty crazy. So it's obviously in both men's and women's best interests to let the other party do the approaching. Traditionally men have been expected to do this. But it's the 21st century and women do a whole lot more approaching than 30 years ago. It seems that educated men no longer blindly 'chase' women but play the game as well as women historically have. They're wising up, which is a good thing. But if everyone starts waiting for the other sex to approach them then nobody will connect. Discuss.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Hmm... well I do have to say the guys I initiate conversations are normally people I'm attracted to enough to actually want to get to know.
boogieboy Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Only people who dont approach that many people in their lifetimes value those relationships more. Guys that approach women all the time dont value the relationship more just because someone might be more of a challenge in an approach.
Kamille Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 So it's obviously in both men's and women's best interests to let the other party do the approaching. That's quite the subjective assessment: what's wrong with being the one who values the relationship the strongest? Interestingly, bf and I have an on-going argument about who approached who in our relationship. Ideal scenario I guess. We do both value our R. A lot.
Awesome Username Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 There are always exceptions, but for the most part I agree with the post.
threebyfate Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 In some cases, I agree with this article. In other cases, not so much. Approach only matters for a short duration. After that, what matters is asserting your needs and being willing and able to walk away, when they're not met.
hats Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Value the other person, increase desire for that person != value the relationship more. The study isn't saying when someone approaches you, they're more likely to want to be in a committed long term relationship. It's just talking about how much we desire that person in the moment that we've approached. When your actions imply a certain underlying belief, your mind will try to resolve cognitive dissonance by creating or reinforcing those underlying beliefs.
carhill Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 IMO, the 'value' is as unique as the psychology of the person involved. At one extreme, approachers may not even view the other person as a real person, rather just a number or abstract. At the other end, the approacher might have learned about this person, admired them and approached them as a result of this. Clearly, the first person would value the 'relationship' or its potential less than the second. Most people fall somewhere within the range between the two extremes. Intitially, though, short of sociopathic behavior, the approacher, through the mere act of deviating from normal acts and behaviors to select one individual to approach for purportedly romantic intent, does 'value' that dynamic more than the one approached, at least to the casual observer who has no insight into each person's feelings. Perhaps the approached has known and desired this person and values the approach greatly. Perhaps not. Only those people know the dynamic. While interesting, IMO, it's the longer-term dynamic of value, boundaries and needs which benefits the relationship or causes it to end. Everything starts somewhere
threebyfate Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Technically, the study is saying that women aren't any more particular than men, when they're the ones to approach. Well, duh, in that if it's a cold approach, everyone is gauging by the superficial, since you have nothing else to go by.
hats Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Technically, the study is saying that women aren't any more particular than men, when they're the ones to approach. Well, duh, in that if it's a cold approach, everyone is gauging by the superficial, since you have nothing else to go by. It was set up as speed dating where everyone talks to everyone at least once by rotating. First the men were the ones who had to physically get up and shift seats. Then it was the women. So whatever the women were "guaging by" didn't change between the two trials, because they didn't get to choose who the wanted to talk to.
St. Nick Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 LOL. This study assumes that most of the time when men approach women then it means the guy wants a relationship and not sex. Many guys approach women for sex; the relationship is just the excess baggage that comes with it.
silic0ntoad Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Does it really matter? Approach isn't everything. I've screwed up approaches big time and ended up with stalkers. I think people need to stop playing this bullsh*t game they all play and just say yes or no, not IDK or MAYBE.
neowulf Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 That's quite the subjective assessment: what's wrong with being the one who values the relationship the strongest? The person who cares the least controls the relationship... Apparently it's quite uncommon to see couples with equal levels of emotional involvement.
Author Tnerforireyeh Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Wow, I'm really amazed by how few people here actually understood the study at all.
Taramere Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Study from Northwestern U last year showing that the simple act of being the one to approach makes you value the other person more than if you are the one approached. http://www.northwestern.edu/newscenter/stories/2009/06/finkel.html That's interesting, though not completely surprising. If you're put in the role of approaching a member of the opposite sex to do a chat up (as the people in this experiment were) then you've had time to watch and assess them. Sounds a bit like a lion stalking prey but I think it holds, nonetheless - for men and women alike. If you're the approached person, it's "cold." It may well be that you hadn't noticed the person until they approached you, so you haven't had any time to form an opinion about them. Instead, you're reacting to their advances and having to make a really fast decision about whether you want to encourage or discourage their attempts to make conversation. I notice that the study says that making approaches increases confidence...which I think it would. The person approaching is taking control of the situation, and making the choice about who they want to talk to. The person being approached is in a more passive position. They're not really having to work for anything...but at the same time, most people are probably going to experience a certain degree of stress and defensiveness on being approached by a stranger - even if they're barely conscious of it. It's a natural instinct to be wary. Also, there's the social stress of "what if I'm not attracted to this person? I'm going to have to try to extricate myself from this situation while causing the minimum of offence." So generally there's more positivity surrounding the role of approacher. They've already decided they like the look of the person and want to speak to them. The approachee is in a less positive position.
hats Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 In the study there's no period of scoping out, it's "cold" for everyone. There's also no social stress about when the interaction is going to end. Usually how speed dating works is that people are paired up randomly, talk to each other for a fixed amount of time, and then shift over a seat to talk to the next person. This goes on until every man has met every woman and then they fill out a card with the names of the people they were interested in. The only difference in the two trials is whether it was the men or the women that physically had to get up and change seats to talk to the next person. The finding was that whichever side didn't have to get up was pickier. As OP says, it's the act of moving towards the other person that made value the interaction more. (OP wrote relationship but interaction is clearer i think) The reason is that it's difficult for the mind to hold beliefs that contradict your physical actions. Because the subjects were investing the effort to get up and move, they rationalize that they must have put in that effort because the interaction has value. It may sound kind of far fetched but you can test it on yourself right now. Pay attention to your emotional state and note how it changes if put on a big smile or a big frown. Most people will feel a little happier when they smile, and a little unhappier when they frown.
gypsy_nicky Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 study is not very valid in real life dating situations, because like what was mentioned, social norms are and always will be in place. The women were actually asked to voluntarily approach the men. There wasn't an option to say no, so they had to approach. In real life we all know that women still hold the role of being approached since this social role holds her in high esteem. Doing the opposite lowers her mate value. Women also approach in real life, but its not the approach men are known for (asking for a date), instead the woman drops subtle hints that the man needs to read to gauge her interest level in him.
engravefeelthevoid Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 even nowadays...men still approach women more often...when u thnk of sth so much and u plan then u do it...AND GET IT....u value it more bc u worked hard for it...the approached sex gets a pride boost and his self confidence goes up thats why women usually break up with guys.
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