thatguy100 Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I just want an opinion on this ... Basically I have an ex gf, we broke up once before, due to we both ran out of time for each other and well she didn't want a committed relationship. Time passes (A few months) we still see that we love each other still and begin talking about getting back together, I said how about a trial relationship, because we both are busy and we both are compatible on most levels. So we tired it, at first it worked, but then she was doing certain things I did not like and told her, but she was not willing to sacrifice that for me, she said she will do it, and its who she is right now. So we continued with the relationship for a bit, but then we ended up breaking up. When she was breaking up with me, she started off by saying "We don't have enough time to be with each other, we just are continuously hurting each other by not having time, and just saying that we can't hang around or do things like we use to." Which is true, that was a mutual agreement between the both of us, we don't have (enough) time for each other. Then after talking for a bit on that she turned and said " I don't love you anymore" ... Also saying that she was not being fair to me for wanting to do that and to expect me to allow her to do something which I was not comfortable with her doing. Then she said that where she stands right now we can not be together, we trust/care/have similar values, I then turned to her and said that she was a great girl, i had planned out certain things for us to do, but I was keeping it a secrete, she then turned and said "Keep these a secrete, for either another girl, or if we end up back together I want to be surprised". Then she went on and said I am the type of guy she would want to settle down with. But she said again "I don't love you, at this moment". She also said that she is trying not to get my hopes up. That is what happened with my break up, To tell you guys where I am at, I am fine with it, because if someone does not love me I can't force it upon them to love me. I know she trusts me and cares for me and all. But what do you guys think? be honest.
rand0m Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Sounds like we're in a similar situation. My ex says she loves me but isn't in love with me. She needs space and is confused about what the future holds. She doesn't want to get my hopes up and tells me to move forward and not to make decisions based on what her reaction may be. Fair enough, sucks, but I'm not going to force something that isn't there. I'm finding that the more time my ex and I spend apart, the more I am focusing on myself and doing things that I want to do. Learning to play new instruments, meeting new people, making big travel plans, back to school, etc. Take this time to do whatever you want to do. Try not to stress about what she is doing right now, who she's with, if she's finding someone else or any of that nonsense.. it's counterproductive, and ultimately, none of your business. Keep your mind on the present and forget the future, you can't control it. I think no contact is good to an extent.. it forces both parties to miss each other and truely evaluate their feelings, but eventually everything will fade. By keeping in some sort of contact (minimal, but sincere), you will at least never lose that person completely. One day you may wake up and realize that your feelings have changed enough that you can love someone else just as much, and then at least you can have your ex as a friend. It also shows that you are there, and that she means enough to you to maintain interest in her life and care about her. I'm not saying tell her you love her, discuss your relationship, annoy her, act desperate, or wait around for the possibility that she may come back, because she might not, and you might not even want her to anyways, but just make your presence known in some way. Try to move on and see what happens. That's just my opinion.
Author thatguy100 Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 I just have to say it feel's nice knowing that there are some people out there with a similar situation. But I have to say she said "I don't love you anymore", I think she knows how she feel about me, don't you? I know she said she cares for me a lot and such, but those are strong words to say.
Author thatguy100 Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 But I do agree, I need to remain focused on me, and make me better. I have pulled out my new years resolution list, and added a few new things to it. I will keep myself busy and happy.
rand0m Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Listen, I'm not going to get your hopes up, or give you any sort of reason to believe what she said isn't true, but I know a few people who have distinctly said those words to their partner before leaving, eventually realizing they made a mistake. Granted, these are individual cases, and many others have meant those words, never to find those feelings again. All I'm trying to say is that throughout life feelings change, and feelings get confused. Age also has a lot to do with it. Plus, as time goes by, you will both move in different directions and become different people. Maybe a NEW love with arise between you, but maybe not, and maybe you won't even want to be involved with that person anymore. I know as my ex and I grow apart during each passing day, I realize that I'm holding on to what was, and not to the person she has become. Good luck and stay positive. Independence is both scary and exciting.
Author thatguy100 Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 rand0m, I just want to say thank you, I know what you are saying, don't competely cut her off, but keep her there because you don't know what feelings may come back, but to also not put all my eggs into one basket. You are one of the few people who actually get what I am going through. But I have to say that if we are to get back together, it would be a third chance, and a fare time away from now.
rand0m Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 =) It's a fine line and I'm still trying to figure it out for myself. As much as I'm moving on, I know that she was a HUGE part of my life, and it would be nice one day to be able to look at her and be completely happy with everything (either being together again, or being good friends). For now, obviously that isn't going to work, so I just test myself and pick and choose when and how to respond and communicate with her. There's times I may be making it harder on myself, but at the end of the day, at least I'm not giving up on someone I love and care about. Keep us posted.
Author thatguy100 Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 Yes I agree with you there, I want to be able to look at her with a good image in mind. Well I have to say, it will take time no matter what happens, with this time apart, you have to go explore the world, meet new people and do new things to improve your life. Yes you have lost a key person in your life, but it does not mean you won't find another person who will be better. My ex stated that she does not love me, and does not want to give any false hope of us getting back together, I will stay in touch with her and such, as the future is unpredictable.
rand0m Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I definitely agree. And I'm so happy that I've been getting to do A LOT of things that I never had the opportunity to do before. I'm happy for the most part.. it's just that nagging emptiness/hole/pain that creeps up when I least expect it. It's always about time. Life is about time. Unfortunately, I'm not all that patient .
Author thatguy100 Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 But the one thing you must remember, the best comes to those who wait, once the opportunity comes, you should take the chance. What will make her come back, if she does come back, would be to see what you have done with your life without her. What most men have to realize that women want interesting men, if a men is not interesting in there eyes, they won't want to date them.
georgia girl Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 If you want a girl's opinion, here's what I think she may have been doing: 1) In pointing out how you both don't have time for each other, she was trying to show you how it wasn't working out for either of you. That is, not only was she not getting what she needed, but you weren't either. It's a way for women to introduce the topic of breaking up without making it a win/lose situation. 2) Telling you she didn't love you was probably the hardest thing she ever had to do but she felt like she had to do it so it was clear that it was over. She wanted you to know that she's no longer in that place where you are her priority. I think she was being very fair and honest with you at this point. I think she also is a pretty good person for doing that, most women would just take the easy way out - tell you that you're on a "break" or something and string you along. She was clear. 3) In getting to the secret box, she didn't want you to show them to her because she doesn't want to see them. That, very bluntly, brings home to her how badly she's hurting you and makes her very uncomfortable. In telling you to hold onto them for the next girl, she's deliberately planning a bright future for you in her head so it eases her guilt and pain. I want to be clear: I think she's probably a very good girl who fell out of love with you. More than that, I think she's classy because she's not stringing you along. Also, from a woman's perspective, you should know that just because we fall out of love with someone, it doesn't mean that we don't still miss him or hurt when breaking up. We do. It's hard on everybody, but when it's time that it's over, we all have to move on. There's also some great positives out of this. First, it seems you have good taste in women because you chose someone with the character to break up honestly with you (one of the hardest things for another human being to do); you also must be a pretty good guy to find a good woman - like attracts like; and finally, because your relationship ended so positively, you can move onto the next without a great deal of emotional baggage. It's time to let her go and move on. If she truly is meant to be with you, believe me, she'll show up at your door one day. That's how we women roll.
Author thatguy100 Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 goergia girl, Actually I have been looking for a girls opinion, I just couldn't find one. I have to say thank you for your opinion I agree with what you have said, But I also feel like she has not forgiven herself for our previous break up, and that for her she was not happy for what she has done to me. That is what I have gathered, I will just have to let her go, let her heal, let her forgive herself. I just want her to forgive herself for what she has done. Because if we hold on the past and not truly learn from it, we never move forward, but if we learn from our past and let go of it, we move forward.
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