justmee Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Hello, I'm new here. Thought I would post as I'm having a tough time moving on from a 2 year relationship that ended 3 months ago. Loved my boyfriend dearly but knew all along (as most of us do), that things weren't right. He was a hard core committment phobe, put limitations on everything - the amount of time we spent together (barely once a week), sex, vacations, etc... Wouldn't even move in with me and in the end, I ended it because I'm in my mid 30's and couldn't handle his inability to progress in our relationship. Of course, it's torture. He became my best friend and I'm still shocked that he isn't my boyfriend. Here's the hard part - we never stopped contact. Still see eachother from time to time (romantic dinners) and speak on a weekly basis. I have become the girl who cannot let go. I simply can't imagine never speaking to him or seeing him again and so I pine for him every day - waiting by the phone with the hope that today will be the day he calls me - just like I did during our relationship. He's a good man, I don't think he knows how tortured I am although he's too smart to think I've simply stopped being in love with him - especially since I told him a few weeks ago how much I missed him and couldn't bring myself to try and date anyone else. I've been trying to make plans with him - he's supposed to call me tonight and I'm terrified he won't. I'm so sick of the roller coaster ride of dissapointment when he doesn't call, and absolute joy when he does. I feel like he's a drug for me and I go through withdrawal when he's gone for too long. How do I move on? He was my first serious relationship and I can't believe it will ever get easier or that I will ever stop thinking of him constantly. Does the love and the feeling and the yearning really just stop over time?
ADF Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 You'll hear this from many people, but you need to cut off all contact with this man. For good. No seeing him, no phone calls, no emails, no texting. It is the most difficult thing, I know, but absolutely necessary. If you persist in trying to be friends with this man, the idea that someday he may come around will never leave your head. In the meantime, you may miss out on meeting someone who really does want to commit to you.
Ilovecake Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Hello, Loved my boyfriend dearly but knew all along (as most of us do), that things weren't right. He was a hard core committment phobe, put limitations on everything - the amount of time we spent together (barely once a week), sex, vacations, etc... Wouldn't even move in with me and in the end, I ended it because I'm in my mid 30's and couldn't handle his inability to progress in our relationship. Of course, it's torture. He became my best friend and I'm still shocked that he isn't my boyfriend. Here's the hard part - we never stopped contact. Still see eachother from time to time (romantic dinners) and speak on a weekly basis. I have become the girl who cannot let go. I simply can't imagine never speaking to him or seeing him again and so I pine for him every day - waiting by the phone with the hope that today will be the day he calls me - just like I did during our relationship. He's a good man, I don't think he knows how tortured I am although he's too smart to think I've simply stopped being in love with him - especially since I told him a few weeks ago how much I missed him and couldn't bring myself to try and date anyone else. I've been trying to make plans with him - he's supposed to call me tonight and I'm terrified he won't. I'm so sick of the roller coaster ride of dissapointment when he doesn't call, and absolute joy when he does. I feel like he's a drug for me and I go through withdrawal when he's gone for too long. How do I move on? He was my first serious relationship and I can't believe it will ever get easier or that I will ever stop thinking of him constantly. Does the love and the feeling and the yearning really just stop over time? Is sounds to me like things are exactly as they were before your so called ‘breakup’. You're still seeing him on his terms, he still gets to have his lack of commitment freedom and you're still miserable. You need to really break up with him to let him go and start going on with your life. When you let him go you are making room to find that relationship that you've been looking for all along that your current boyfriend is not willing to give you. This does not make him or you a bad person you're just simply not compatible. It will take time for the pain to go away but the sooner you stop all contact the sooner you can start moving on.
EYECANDY000 Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Justme, Honey first thing first. You need to stop thinking that he's your drug.. yes, you loved him, and loved being around him, but don't feel like you aren't completed unless you have him there. Secondly which is the most important, you need to cut it off. Because he is having his cake and eating it too. He's having th luxury of being with you without any type of commitment. Trust me he knows that he have you wrapped around his finger, because it sounds like whenever he calls no matter what time of day, you will answer and run to his beck and call. I know this because I was that girl. A few months ago my ex bf broke up with me but I couldn't let go. I still texted, called, followed him, and finally he started picking up my calls and inviting me to his house. (After 2 days of NC) we were still intimate. And he was going on dates with other women here and there. Every time he called me I jumped my a$$ up and flew to his house. At some periods he would call at 4 or 5 in the morning after he just got in from a bar and I would drive over there to see him. I knew he had me wrapped around his finger but I didn't care. Its now been 8 days of NC and trust me luv its hard. When I posted my story on here someone stated ' wow this guy has really did a job on you' and that somehow clicked in my mind. Because I know he did. Every day I yurn that he calls, but now because I want to show him I am the stronger person and how I can stand up for myself.. Let this guy go. Yes its going to hurt but each day it will get a little more easier. You are only setting yourself up for more pain. Do you really want to know what you ex is up to???? Because I don't! Do you really want to know wo he's seeing? Do you want him to continue to call and see you while its convient for him, until he meets someone and they tell him that the phone calls needs to stop cold turkey? Don't do that to yourself .... if you feel the need to contact him, post on here.. that's what everyone is here for.. everyone has helped me out a lot! Hugs!
GrayClouds Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 How do I move on? I am hitting myself in the head with a hammer and it hurts. How to I make the pain go away? Step one, stop doing what is hurting you. Step two, be kind to yourself. Step three, understand it will hurt but that hurt does get diminish. Step four, Focus on yourself by doing things that make you feel good, exercise, eating well, start a new hobby, join a group, hang with people who care about you. Step Five, Stop asking depressing questions and start asking postive ones "When will the pain go away?" VS "What can I do to make myself feel better?" Finally understand you and your love deserves someone who does not encourage you to doubt your worth but inspires your sense of worth.
AgeOfUninnocence Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I'm sorry to hear. I just broke up with my first love too three weeks ago, and it's absolutely awful. My guy and I were dating for 9 months and then close friends for 7 months before that, so I know what it's like to suddenly have someone out of your life like that. Even worse when they get a new girlfriend within 10 days of dumping you!! I'm still dealing with it and knowing that things will get better. I have good days and bad days. What helps for me is thinking of all the other people that care about you and have you in their thoughts. You'd be surprised of all the people that have you in their well wishes without you even knowing... Also, you need to get away from the phone. What I used to do is go work out for 2 hours then shower for 30 minutes, and in all that time I left the phone away in my room. If I knew someone might try to contact me (NOT my ex, other people) then I told them I was going to work out and wouldn't be around the phone for a few hours. Of course, I always came back to my phone with hopeful wishes of having a text or 5 missed calls from my ex, but that never happened... however, it's made me become a lot less dependent on staring at my phone waiting for my ex to call like old times. That's not to say I'm not having trouble getting him out of my thoughts... but I'm working on it.
Author justmee Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Thanks for all your helpful comments. None of it is new information (stop all contact), but it helps to hear it again and again. It's funny how we think our experience is unique and how no one knows what we are going through, when in truth - it's really the same battle just with a few different ingredients. I will do my best to stop the contact. I can't make promises other than I am going to stop all initiating. No texts to make sure he got home safe, no quick calls to see how his day was... NADA. I can't control his actions but I can control mine. I'll do my best to stay strong!
EYECANDY000 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Thanks for all your helpful comments. None of it is new information (stop all contact), but it helps to hear it again and again. It's funny how we think our experience is unique and how no one knows what we are going through, when in truth - it's really the same battle just with a few different ingredients. I will do my best to stop the contact. I can't make promises other than I am going to stop all initiating. No texts to make sure he got home safe, no quick calls to see how his day was... NADA. I can't control his actions but I can control mine. I'll do my best to stay strong! Of course you cant stop his actions, but you can tell him that you need some time to yourself.. you need some "me: time.. Its almost like you are implying that its ok for him to text and call you but you wont initiate.. stop it completely... dont let him have the luxury of talking to you for his convience without a commitment involved
MellowScout Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 You are in love with an emotionally unavailable man!!! Seriously, take an hour or two to check out this website: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/ Read it and you will see so much of yourself...I have been through this also, very recently and this site helped immensely! This isn't a scam, I am a real person! lol. To move on, you need to do No Contact and you need to do it now! It does not, DOES NOT make you a bad person! You've got to heal from this guy, make yourself awesome and find some one who Does Not put limitations on love! Good luck and please please, go No Contact. It really works and you will be much better off!
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