mryzenga Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Hello, I'm simply here to get a little honest feedback from a few outsiders. It has been 4 months to this day that I became aware of my wife's 2 ½ year love affair. My wife had an affair, and yes her relationship with another man was emotional and physical. We have been married for 9 years we have 3 children together, I am 36, she is 34 years old. She met another man one night out with some girlfriends. He is also married and has 3 children. I was informed by his wife, who called me last November, she was a stranger to me. The details of their affair are very real and painful for me to cope with. The two of them would talk almost daily by cell phone. Often times they would meet in a parking lot to talk more, have sex, or go somewhere together, many of times to a restaurant or for a drive. It kills me to look back at all those days she betrayed me. Since I found out I have been giving her a second chance. Even after there was a short period where she continued to lie and hide some of the details. That was painful too and I will say this has been the most difficult situation I have ever been in. I do believe it's over now and my wife is finally telling me everything that I ask for. To the best to my knowledge she has severed all communication with him and I finally think I've gotten all of the answers I need to know. We have been sexual throughout the ordeal and it feels good knowing she wants to be with me, at least I think so, especially because the affection was absent for some time. It has just been extremely difficult for me not to think about her affair, mainly because it had gone on for so long. I honestly had no idea she was having one, but now I'm stuck thinking about it, almost constantly. My wife and I have spent hours upon hours talking about it and trying to work our way through it. She does appear very regretful and wants to keep our marriage. We both are very hurt. I never expect it to happen, nor did I see it coming because I trusted her and thought I knew her better. I thought we knew each other better. But right now I am at no where near ready to forgive her. I think perhaps we need more time away from each other to figure things out. We have only been apart for a few short days thus far. I find it hard to stay away because I do still love her and don't want to loose what we have together. We can't really afford to divorce and I don't want to do it to our kids. Plus, neither one of us wants to be left with the stigmatism of divorce around family and friends. But maybe that's best for us. This is the first time any of this has happened in our marriage, at least that I know of. It was a complete shock to me. She said she was unhappy in our marriage and she understands now that she was vulnerable and confused. I have my faults, but I consider myself to be an honest, loving husband and father, others would agree. I make decent money, I'm home every night, I'm attractive and I have a positive attitude, but obviously something went terribly wrong in my marriage and I don't know how to fix it. That's why I'm here to listen and get some feedback.
lkjh Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Don't buy the unhappy vulnerable crap. Her cheating was a choice and she thought she could get away with it. If you choose to stay with her you need to really make her work for the relationship
Rearden Metal Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Thanks for posting about your situation. Here's my take: Marriage is a Catch 22. I was married for 7 years. Now, I don't believe my wife cheated on me (if she did, it never came out and I never felt cheated-on), but we did ultimately divorce and the pain of that was pretty severe. Here's the thing: You ARE a good husband. You win da bread, are loyal to your fam and love your kids. She KNOWS this. But... at some point women miss the excitement and danger (or appearance of danger), that NEW feeling. Can you really blame them? Men miss the same type of thing. But, there's the type of person who will act on it, and there's the type of person that won't, and your wife is the former. Here's what you gotta do. Take back your manhood. No more emasculation. Cut a f**king tree down or something! LOL, no, but really, your woman needs you to be edgier, sexier, more dominant and less tolerant of bullsh*t. When she does something hurtful or potentially emasculating, LAUGH in her face and walk out. Leave her there with the kids and go to a bar. Doesn't mean YOU have to cheat, just that SHE can't own you in any way. This is counter-intuitive to what most of us feel is a "good" marriage, when in fact what it is, is just plain being a self respecting man. Good luck dude, win your way back. And if she cheats again, laugh in her face, go to the bar and draw up those papers.
Bryanp Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I am so sorry for you. There are so many problems. First is her ability to lie and betray you for 2 1/2 years without you having a clue. She did not stop or only confessed after being caught. This means she would still be screwing this guy today if she had not been caught. Second, you thought things were fine but she did not bother to tell you of her problems so instead she was screwing this guy for years. Third, she thought so little of you, herself and your marriage that she had no problem screwing this guy for 2 1/2 years in public parking lots in a car? I don't know how you could ever feel proud to say that she is your wife. Fourth, for 2 1/2 years she has put your health at risk for STD's. You both need to get tested. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting of such disrespect and humiliation as you have been? Her actions show she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? What a terrible role model for your children. It also seems that there have been no consequences to her actions at all. She is able to betray you and humiliate you in the worst possible way and you are begging her to stay with you? What is wrong with this picture.
Disintegration Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I know it can be so hard to leave a marriage after so long and with children no less, however she had no regards to you her H or your children. Did it not occur to her the damage it would cause to your family? Your W cheated on your for over 2 years, and you had no idea. She obviously was not thinking of you, not one bit of remorse to stop it. Will you able to trust her after knowing she was hiding her affair from you for over 2 years? Do you really believe that it is over? I don't think that you could ever entirely get over her affair. If you work things out with her, you may be able to forgive her, but I highly doubt you will forget what she did. It'll be a rough road for you, and who's to say she wont stray again. Good luck.
Fouts Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 You'll never forget or totally forgive being together. It's odd because the only way you'd truly ever forgive is to go your seperate ways, meet someone who really wants to be with you and then you'd let it go. She'd still be banging this guy every chance she got if they didn't get busted. She's trying to salvage what she can of her life, no different than a criminal who gets caught and breaks down in court for mercy. If they didn't get caught, they'd still be living the high life. Personally, I'd never want to know. But if I found out, I could never stay in a relationship and look myself in the mirror. Perhaps for the sake of raising the kids, but I'm not very sure about that either, it's best to move on in life.
seibert253 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 How "sure" are you that her A is over. 2 1/2 years is a long time to just end on a wim. Have you done your investigative homework to insure it's over? There are many BS's here who thought it was over, only to learn their WS's went underground. Don't know how far you're out from D day, but IMO she should not be trusted and you should verify everything she tells you.
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