Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 So the weight you feel lifted off your shoulders, is the threat of commitment. Now that there's nothing to hold him to you, the dynamic is repeated, where you're chasing an emotionally unavailable man. Do you remember posting your foundational background? Were you always chasing love? I've never listed my relationships before like that.
threebyfate Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I've never listed my relationships before like that. Do yourself a favour and break the cycle. Stop dating this guy.
bayouboi Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Do yourself a favour and break the cycle. Stop dating this guy and start dating bayouboi. Look, I like her and all, but I don't feel like I'm ready to be exclusive. /grindem
boogieboy Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 You know what? The last guy I was with told me he was going to move away to another state, and immediately I fell for him, wondering if I could make him stay. The guy before was a workaholic who was in love with someone else, who was married. The guy before that was blatantly still in love with his ex and kept constantly turning me down for dates, which egged me on. The guy before that was about fifteen years my senior, and again in love with his ex. The one before that I loved when he lived across the country...as soon as he moved next to me and declared his love, my heart sank. And now, this guy is being distant and it's driving me wild with excitement. I honestly didn't think about all of this until now. Uh oh, maybe there is something to that Toxic Shame. Wow, am I really this type of girl? Holyyyyyyy :eek::eek: Uh oh, someone is a love challenge junkie....well...might as well keep doing it until you get sick of it. It will waste alot of your time though. Your chasing this guy partly because he's unavailable and to passively prevent other guys from asking you out, because you cant take turning them down.
sagetalk Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Y And now, this guy is being distant and it's driving me wild with excitement. I honestly didn't think about all of this until now. Uh oh, maybe there is something to that Toxic Shame. Wow, am I really this type of girl? Holyyyyyyy :eek::eek: I was going to point this out bluntly, but I'm glad I didn't now . It's better for you to see it yourself. Your people picker is broken. You are definitively not alone in your feelings, many girls are the same way. Guys on here could tell you many stories of how they lost a girl (who showed them interest at first) because they went after her, only to watch someone who didn't pursue her at all get her (it's happened to me), then dump her. I cannot explain it, but I can tell you to get rid of that mentality. I don't know how, maybe someone else can help. My best guess would be to open your eyes to all the guys that want to pursue you, and if you're attracted to them, let them.
Twenty-ten Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Uh oh, someone is a love challenge junkie.... That's a fair assessment! However, it's not like she is sleeping with him so other than her time and her pining heart, she isn't wasting much more...
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Literally just threw up. Wow, this realization is sucking pretty hard. No wonder I'm cool but my lovelife sucks! I'm so mad....I don't want to be a girl like this!
Twenty-ten Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Then knock it off, stop settling for so little in exchange for the illusion of being cool and in control. You are so not and this is why you more than likely are left with very dissatisfying feelings when you engage in these types of situations. Value your time, and heart a little more, and so will men.
Crazy Magnet Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 It can be a difficult realization. But it's the first step in changing the cycle for good. Now you have the power to stop the cycle if you want to. Tell this guy to peace out, and go get someone who will chase you. Trust me, there are plenty of men who do the chasing. I never even bother with the ones who don't. Why? I'm worth more than that.
shadowplay Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 A_U, what do you look for in a guy? Can you be specific about some of the initial qualities that draw you in around the time when you first meet a guy? Sometimes when a woman experiences repeated rejection from men it's because she's not that attractive and going for guys out of her "league" (if you believe in leagues). That's clearly not true for you, since you seem to be in hot demand. So why are you ending up with guys who don't appreciate you?
threebyfate Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 A_U, what do you look for in a guy? Can you be specific about some of the initial qualities that draw you in around the time when you first meet a guy? Sometimes when a woman experiences repeated rejection from men it's because she's not that attractive and going for guys out of her "league" (if you believe in leagues). That's clearly not true for you, since you seem to be in hot demand. So why are you ending up with guys who don't appreciate you?Go back to her posts about her foundational upbringing, in that other thread about infatuation. She chases love but when love comes knocking at her door, it doesn't feel right or worth it, since she didn't have to chase it.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 A_U, what do you look for in a guy? Can you be specific about some of the initial qualities that draw you in around the time when you first meet a guy? Sometimes when a woman experiences repeated rejection from men it's because she's not that attractive and going for guys out of her "league" (if you believe in leagues). That's clearly not true for you, since you seem to be in hot demand. So why are you ending up with guys who don't appreciate you? I look for guys that are independent, fun, intelligent, have goals and make me happy. But for some reason, I only fall for guys that talk to me about once a week if I'm lucky. My only exception to this rule is if they live out of state, or we work together and I have a strict "Don't date people at work" rule. My favorite pasttime is quite literally pining over a guy that I can't have. This is literally the case.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Thanks you guys. I'm going back and fourth in my mind on whether or not I believe all of this, but chances are it's true. Without LS, it might have taken me a lot longer to figure it out. I kind of wish someone on here would tell me that it's all a bullsh*t coincidence, but I think that my actions speak for themselves. SIGHGASM.
Twenty-ten Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 My favorite pasttime is quite literally pining over a guy that I can't have. This is literally the case. It sounds like you my friend, have a phobia of commitment. I think you are so scared of being hurt that you pick men who you know will not pan out. If you can't have a relationship with them then they can't dump you and you can't get hurt. The idea that you stated earlier on that this was in your control and that you were now at ease because you were calling the shots, leads me to believe that as long as you feel you are doing the "loving and leaving" even though you are not really getting much out of these relationships, it keeps you safe from harm. Are you really safe from harm?
sunshinegirl Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Literally just threw up. Wow, this realization is sucking pretty hard. No wonder I'm cool but my lovelife sucks! I'm so mad....I don't want to be a girl like this! I've followed this whole thread and have to say I'm really happy to see you've recognized your pattern! I went through something similar, AU, 12-18 months ago. I thought I just had bad luck in dating, but when I finally saw what I was doing - consistently dating men who were unavailable in one way or another - it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't barf but I did have this "holy hell" sinking feeling of "oh crap, I'm a totally broken person!!!" Here's the thing: it's a hard thing to face about yourself, BUT this is a really really really great moment for you - trust me!!! If you want to break your patterns ("toxic shame" or whatever you want to call it) and find yourself a great guy who is worthy of you, you'll have to do some work (see Carhill's excellent post in this thread), but if you commit to figuring yourself out and dumping your bad man-picker habits, you'll do it. And although there are no guarantees in life, I can say that not long after I did the hard work of sorting out my issues, in walked my boyfriend-and-soon-to-be-fiance. He's completely different from every other man I've dated, in all the best ways. I just had to get myself ready for him. Good luck!
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 I've followed this whole thread and have to say I'm really happy to see you've recognized your pattern! I went through something similar, AU, 12-18 months ago. I thought I just had bad luck in dating, but when I finally saw what I was doing - consistently dating men who were unavailable in one way or another - it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't barf but I did have this "holy hell" sinking feeling of "oh crap, I'm a totally broken person!!!" Here's the thing: it's a hard thing to face about yourself, BUT this is a really really really great moment for you - trust me!!! If you want to break your patterns ("toxic shame" or whatever you want to call it) and find yourself a great guy who is worthy of you, you'll have to do some work (see Carhill's excellent post in this thread), but if you commit to figuring yourself out and dumping your bad man-picker habits, you'll do it. And although there are no guarantees in life, I can say that not long after I did the hard work of sorting out my issues, in walked my boyfriend-and-soon-to-be-fiance. He's completely different from every other man I've dated, in all the best ways. I just had to get myself ready for him. Good luck! I am SO GLAD to see this post. This means that there's hope at the end of my tunnel. I think that knowing is probably half the battle. What flips me for a loop is that maybe deep down I knew this, but didn't REALIZE it. How could I not notice this?! After all of these years...am I really that dense? I mean, I can't even cuddle. I never thought about why I'm not comfortable cuddling - I am always physically uncomfortable, or my neck hurts, or etc when I cuddle in bed with a guy, and I always have to go to the FAR END of the bed to sleep, and usually with my back turned to the guy. Even during this, it never even crossed my mind. I can sleep like a pretzel on an airplane, but I can't even go to sleep comfortably in a guy's arms. I never analyzed it before. Now I'm thinking about everything. LOL, I'm trippin' on stuff now!
sunshinegirl Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I am SO GLAD to see this post. This means that there's hope at the end of my tunnel. I think that knowing is probably half the battle. What flips me for a loop is that maybe deep down I knew this, but didn't REALIZE it. How could I not notice this?! After all of these years...am I really that dense? I mean, I can't even cuddle. I never thought about why I'm not comfortable cuddling - I am always physically uncomfortable, or my neck hurts, or etc when I cuddle in bed with a guy, and I always have to go to the FAR END of the bed to sleep, and usually with my back turned to the guy. Even during this, it never even crossed my mind. I can sleep like a pretzel on an airplane, but I can't even go to sleep comfortably in a guy's arms. I never analyzed it before. Now I'm thinking about everything. LOL, I'm trippin' on stuff now! There can be some trippy stuff in there, for sure. I never liked to be touched on the stomach or around my waist, and while I used to attribute it to being body-conscious, it really had to do with my discomfort with intimacy - the belly is an emotional center for many people. What you do from here is up to you (though I'd say, as a start, walk away from this tool!). In my case, self-help books/websites, a trusted therapist, journaling, anti-depression meds, a close girlfriend who supported me, and a several-month "guy-aitus" were the most helpful things I did.
threebyfate Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 AU, don't stop digging until you've gotten to the bottom of why this is happening. Realizing it's happening, will only potentially stop you from letting it happen but it doesn't explain why you attach to EU men. Once you've figured out what the triggers are, that generate attraction for you, only then can you really work on yourself and amend what you're attracted to. I went through this process, not exactly for the same reasons of attaching to EU men but what triggers attraction for me. It taught me to walk on by from men who weren't good for me and latch onto men who were, even though the two shared similar trigger traits.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 AU, don't stop digging until you've gotten to the bottom of why this is happening. Realizing it's happening, will only potentially stop you from letting it happen but it doesn't explain why you attach to EU men. Once you've figured out what the triggers are, that generate attraction for you, only then can you really work on yourself and amend what you're attracted to. I went through this process, not exactly for the same reasons of attaching to EU men but what triggers attraction for me. It taught me to walk on by from men who weren't good for me and latch onto men who were, even though the two shared similar trigger traits. That's so funny you just brought that up, because I'm pacing around my room trying to figure out how in the Hell I ended up falling for this guy, when at work I was never attracted to him. I remember the night I did, and I remember from that night he said to our friend, "I am physically out of shape, I don't even feel like picking up women, and I have no time for a woman. There's NO WAY I can have a relationship right now." As he solumnly drank a beer at 2am right after work. Commitmophobe goldmine. I forgot about that until now. Also, that BF/GF but not exclusive thing was actually my idea, I think. I asked if he wanted to be BF/GF, he freaked out, and I said, "We're exclusive anyway, right?!" Afraid that he would leave me. I was surprised afterward that he agreed, but why wouldn't he? I backpedaled and did a wtf, and brought it up to him again the next day. He then said that BF/GF was later in the game, and that he has to date a girl for a long time to get to know her. As retarded as it sounds after this big ol' thread was made, I think that this exclusive but not BF/GF massacre was actually my idea. I promise I didn't try to mess with anyone here...I think I tricked myself into thinking it was his idea, and that he was suddenly distant. I think he was distant all along, but attracted to me enough that I could create that "pine for a guy" feeling. It's all setting up my favorite scene: Me at home, pining over a guy who I can't have. I can't even read romance stories about straight couples - they have to be gay men. This also explains my crush on my teachers. Thankfully, this never translated to men who were married or in relationships...by the grace of God. Oh TBF, I need to change some trigger traits...STAT!!!!!
shadowplay Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I look for guys that are independent, fun, intelligent, have goals and make me happy. But for some reason, I only fall for guys that talk to me about once a week if I'm lucky. My only exception to this rule is if they live out of state, or we work together and I have a strict "Don't date people at work" rule. My favorite pasttime is quite literally pining over a guy that I can't have. This is literally the case. Hmm. I guess this would also explain why you pine after celebs like Chris Pine. Celebs are inherently unattainable. I can relate to your feelings, because I've traditionally only been attracted to unavailable men. Right now I'm in a healthy relationship with a very available guy, and it's still kind of a struggle for me to suppress that instinct to devalue someone who really appreciates me. I don't completely feel like my heart has caught up with my mind, in that I'm really trying to do the right thing for myself by staying with someone who's good to me but I still have moments of doubt. I don't really know what to tell you as I'm still learning myself.
shadowplay Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 I am SO GLAD to see this post. This means that there's hope at the end of my tunnel. I think that knowing is probably half the battle. What flips me for a loop is that maybe deep down I knew this, but didn't REALIZE it. How could I not notice this?! After all of these years...am I really that dense? I mean, I can't even cuddle. I never thought about why I'm not comfortable cuddling - I am always physically uncomfortable, or my neck hurts, or etc when I cuddle in bed with a guy, and I always have to go to the FAR END of the bed to sleep, and usually with my back turned to the guy. Even during this, it never even crossed my mind. I can sleep like a pretzel on an airplane, but I can't even go to sleep comfortably in a guy's arms. I never analyzed it before. Now I'm thinking about everything. LOL, I'm trippin' on stuff now! Ha I'm exactly the same way. I CANNOT be touched when I'm sleeping. If a guy touches me when I'm asleep or trying to fall asleep I flip out. I also like a lot of space in my bed.
shadowplay Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Go back to her posts about her foundational upbringing, in that other thread about infatuation. She chases love but when love comes knocking at her door, it doesn't feel right or worth it, since she didn't have to chase it. Hmm...I just looked through that thread and couldn't find it. Would you mind linking me?
threebyfate Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Hmm...I just looked through that thread and couldn't find it. Would you mind linking me?Oops, sorry, wrong thread. It's in this one. I'm losing track of AU's threads. She's been a little prolific recently, def. no insult intended. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2682264&postcount=52 AU, maybe I'm reading too much into the attached post but it's kind of telling, from the chasing love perspective, as well as the inability to assert anger.
Pink Cupcakes Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 You're really hoping to get this guy to fall for you and want a relationship with you, and you're hoping that by hanging around on his terms (sex/company/etc. without being in a relationship) that he will think you are the coolest chick on earth and fall madly in love with you and you'll get what you desire from him through this strategy. This strategy of yours is actually the opposite of what you should be doing to get the guy. Instead of being available and hanging out with him for 2 days this weekend, you should be backing off and being elusive - having plans, not calling or contacting, making him wonder what is up with you. Then you need to do that more and more, until it drives him crazy and he wants to see you, but he needs to come full force - picking you up, a real date, flowers, apology for being an idiot the first time, the whole nine yards. You're pretty much giving him everything he wants and taking away any chance of him missing you in his life, because he knows he "has" you and doesn't have to earn the privilege to be with you. So this will backfire because you have given him no incentive to really fall for you and want to be with you for real. Eventually, sooner or later, he will tire of your availability and meet someone else, or just lose interest in you, and drop you like a hot potato and you'll wonder one day why the texts and calls have slowly faded into nothing. Just a warning.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 6, 2010 Author Posted March 6, 2010 This sounds insane, but I went to sleep and had a bunch of trippy dreams about my exes and I woke up in a cold sweat. I barely ever dream!! This guy is texting me to hang out, but I don't even care anymore. This realization involves my entire psyche, not just relationship-wise. I'm not crying or anything like that, but I'm definitely physically effected for some reason. It's amazing how the mind can shield something so OBVIOUS from your attention, and when it finally reveals itself you feel like you've been run over by a bus, especially when everything falls into place. It's like that shield was part of the fear itself. How scary. I wonder what other important things I have failed to notice. I feel sick. However, thanks you guys in helping me through this. It may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but I totally didn't realize all of this before.
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