spookie Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 is no one else alarmes that all this drama is happening before they have even slept together? i mean i get the importance of wanting the same things out of life but calling this guy a selfish dbag for not committing after two months , before sex, is a bit much. give him some time!
Tnerforireyeh Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Good point, there are lots of damaged ladies here who will use any excuse to take a swipe at men.
Pink Cupcakes Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 OH ok, I had assumed they had slept together already. So definitely don't be intimate until it is really a monogomous relationship, facebook status and everything that goes with it.
Twenty-ten Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 You can change YOUR status without tagging him as your BF. Quite honestly, it sounds like you just want a BF... not that you want HIM to be your BF. That and all the comments playing on the "label" thing are retarded. The label IS important, if your boyfriend introduces you to his friends and coworkers as his "friend" you would be fine with that? As if!!! I say this guy is trying to downplay the fact he is with someone exclusively on FB, why? Only he knows. It might be as innocent as thinking "if this doesn't pan out then I have to deal with having to re-change my status again" or it could be that he is hiding the fact from someone of interest. Or it could even be a power thing. Whatever the case, there is some reason why he won't and if you are indeed exclusive he should have no qualms about making it clear to everyone he is taken. Ultimatums rarely work, but if you were to follow a course of action I would just pretend and tell him you have a date next time and if he asks WTF?!?! tell him "well it's not like we are g/f and b/f anyway so we should be able to date others, right?" See how he reacts, after all you are both acting on assumptions so why not? what's good for the goose....
callingyouuu Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I say this guy is trying to downplay the fact he is with someone exclusively on FB, why? Only he knows. It might be as innocent as thinking "if this doesn't pan out then I have to deal with having to re-change my status again" or it could be that he is hiding the fact from someone of interest. Or it could even be a power thing. Whatever the case, there is some reason why he won't and if you are indeed exclusive he should have no qualms about making it clear to everyone he is taken. In my experience, the Facebook relationship status just gets in the way. I make it a policy not to list my relationship status. To me, that's private and much too trivial to merit the drama of changing it back and forth. That said, I think you definitely need to get him to stop introducing you as just a friend. If you're actually exclusive, that's just strange.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Updatearoo! Well, he basically got the "Let's not be exclusive" memo and answered me (waaay later, lol!). He seemed relieved, and explained to me that working 90+ hours a week is not contingent with having a decent serious relationship. He expressed his fear that I would resent him for not being able to be a good man to me because of it, because all he could ever do was meet me really late at night and he was going to have to work some weekends soon too - but he REALLY likes me. He mentioned that he isn't seeing anyone else, and maybe we could be serious in the future. Now he has asked me to hang out with him both Friday and Sunday. I haven't agreed to anything yet. Looks like things can stay exactly the same, but pretty much I'm free to see other people if I so desire. Now that he knows that we're not exclusive, there is nothing that he can say/get angry about if I happened to find another guy who wants a relationship. I am so relieved that things are cool between us, he is still interested, and things are concrete and defined now. Also, I could potentially get to know him better without the resentment that I'm not getting what I'm putting in. WIN! Not to sound pricky, I kinda feel like I can have my cake and eat it too! Thanks for your advice LS!
Pink Cupcakes Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 So you like a guy and want a relationship with him, he now has outright told you he doesn't want a relationship with you. Yet...he REALLY likes you. And wants to "hang out." Yah, sounds like a win to me!
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 So you like a guy and want a relationship with him, he now has outright told you he doesn't want a relationship with you. Yet...he REALLY likes you. And wants to "hang out." Yah, sounds like a win to me! I'm alright with it. As long as I'm not exclusive to somebody who isn't willing or able to give back what I put into it, I'm good. I'm just glad that I don't feel like I'm being taken advantage of anymore. I'm the one who told him that us being exclusive isn't going to work, after all.
Hot Carl Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Life is full of boneheads, AU. Sooner or later you'll run across a guy who isn't, and he'll make you happy.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Thanks you guys. By the way, bonehead is one of the coolest words on the planet I just found out a few seconds ago. Thank you Hot Carl!
bayouboi Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Looks like things can stay exactly the same, but pretty much I'm free to see other people if I so desire. Alright! I am so in.
xpaperxcutx Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I'm alright with it. As long as I'm not exclusive to somebody who isn't willing or able to give back what I put into it, I'm good. I'm just glad that I don't feel like I'm being taken advantage of anymore. I'm the one who told him that us being exclusive isn't going to work, after all. As long as you feel good about it.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 As long as you feel good about it. Yeah, put my facebook status as "single." First comment on my relationship status is from my dad, "FINALLY! Jesus ____ing Christ, now I can sleep at night!" Deleted. LOL! I think he's making a mountain out of a molehill, but it's still funny. I'm not completely going to write this guy off for good, though. Even though I make him seem like a jerk, he actually has a good head on his shoulders. I just have to stand up for myself. Our interactions have basically consisted of him telling me I'm pretty and having me meet his friends, and me watching TV at his house and us drinking. I have realized that I do not want that to be a foundation for a real relationship whether its with him, or the next crush I have. Patience is a virtue!
nowomanocry Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Men don't respond very well to ultimatiums. Don't agree - if he is interested he will act rightaway If he's not interested he will run away so she will know the result asap
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Don't agree - if he is interested he will act rightaway If he's not interested he will run away so she will know the result asap I think that if I'm going to go as far as to give an ultimatum next time a man doesn't commit, I'll beef it up with something like, "If you make plans and don't follow through next time, I'm going to find your car and slash your tires." I might as well rock the psycho b*tch stereotype that many men are so fond of! Who knows - maybe he'll even open doors for me!
sagetalk Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I think that if I'm going to go as far as to give an ultimatum next time a man doesn't commit, I'll beef it up with something like, "If you make plans and don't follow through next time, I'm going to find your car and slash your tires." I might as well rock the psycho b*tch stereotype that many men are so fond of! Who knows - maybe he'll even open doors for me! Why do you have to get crazy about it? Guys get rejected all the time, women are not immune from this either. Going psycho is the last thing you need to do. I would recommend becoming more calm in relationships, and not get so worked up over things. There are countless guys that would call you their girlfriend after 1 or 2 months of dating, if that's what you want, then focus on those guys and forget about the ones that won't.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Why do you have to get crazy about it? Guys get rejected all the time, women are not immune from this either. Going psycho is the last thing you need to do. I would recommend becoming more calm in relationships, and not get so worked up over things. There are countless guys that would call you their girlfriend after 1 or 2 months of dating, if that's what you want, then focus on those guys and forget about the ones that won't. Lol! I was just joking! But thanks for the advice - I will not turn into a psycho.
threebyfate Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 AU, I'm sincerely surprised that you're okay with this, considering how intense you were in your other thread that discusses thinking about him all day long. I know I couldn't flip so fast from one perception to another and still be cheery about it!
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 AU, I'm sincerely surprised that you're okay with this, considering how intense you were in your other thread that discusses thinking about him all day long. I know I couldn't flip so fast from one perception to another and still be cheery about it! Yeah, I thought that I would be a lot more sad too. If I was, I certainly wouldn't hide it on this board. To me, I didn't lose anything. I can still get to know him (I'm seeing him tonight), I still can get dressed up and go hang out with him and his/my friends, I have the freedom to see other people if I want, and I know exactly what we are (friends) so I'm not going to be confused with how far I should go with him, or what I should tell people we are. To be honest, and I know that this sounds kind of strange, but I like hanging out with him and like how social he is, and generally admire him as a person. I think that I kind of wanted an excuse to hang out and have fun with him and everyone at these places, and have some people to hang out at a bar with. I rarely have a chance to get foxed up and go somewhere, and I certainly would never go to a bar alone. Being his girlfriend would be validation, and an excuse to be near him more often. There is also something nice about having a boyfriend in that people stop asking you out so much when you go out, and it's awkward to turn people down and hurt their feelings sometimes (not that I think I'm all that or anything, but this is a high-tech part of town and there simply aren't that many single women around compared to men. It's very obvious, and noticeable in comparison to cities with more women that I've lived in). I didn't really want to date anyone else in the group, so dating this guy would alieviate some akward feelings of guys possibly rushing me prematurely into a relationship. In a...um...kind of hypocritical way, that's kind of why I rushed it on my part - I wanted a "closed lid." I'm not saying that I don't have a little crush on the guy anymore because I still do, but I think that the mad obsession was more of my fear of being taken advantage of and cast out rather than my fear of finding another man that would make me as happy. Since I've been out of work, part of me just misses having a solid group of people around me. Again, I'm certainly not saying that I don't have feelings for him, but there is more than that at stake that I believe I have saved instead of sabotaged.
threebyfate Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I'm going to do my normal, laying it out in point form:Boy meets girl and the two are attracted to each other and start dating.Girl asks boy for relationship after two months, boy agrees to exclusivity but turns down the commitment aspect of this.Girl likes boy so much, she thinks about him all day long.Girl feels insecure about boy's feelings so she preemptively rejects him by shutting down the exclusivity portion.Boy is relieved and happily agrees, but still wants to date girl without exclusivity.Girl is now relieved and believes she saved something worthwhile.AU, apparently you and I have differing opinions about this. I'm seeing nothing worth saving.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 (edited) I'm at a moral standstill because I would be lying if I said that I wasn't completely unfazed by what transpired, and that I'm just excited about seeing him tonight. That kind of makes me a dunce, but I'm just being honest. In fact, I'm more comfortable now than I was before. I'm in a happy daze, like I have accomplished something. TBF, I'm not lying or trying to cover up any sadness here. I truly feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Edited March 5, 2010 by Awesome Username
threebyfate Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Straight up again. What you've salvaged is the ability to maintain a form of connection with him. But you also have to look at this in a longer term. The more you see of him, the more you're going to bond to him. So what good is it to continue bonding to a guy who's not interested in bonding?
Author Awesome Username Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Straight up again. What you've salvaged is the ability to maintain a form of connection with him. But you also have to look at this in a longer term. The more you see of him, the more you're going to bond to him. So what good is it to continue bonding to a guy who's not interested in bonding? You know what? The last guy I was with told me he was going to move away to another state, and immediately I fell for him, wondering if I could make him stay. The guy before was a workaholic who was in love with someone else, who was married. The guy before that was blatantly still in love with his ex and kept constantly turning me down for dates, which egged me on. The guy before that was about fifteen years my senior, and again in love with his ex. The one before that I loved when he lived across the country...as soon as he moved next to me and declared his love, my heart sank. And now, this guy is being distant and it's driving me wild with excitement. I honestly didn't think about all of this until now. Uh oh, maybe there is something to that Toxic Shame. Wow, am I really this type of girl? Holyyyyyyy :eek::eek:
threebyfate Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 So the weight you feel lifted off your shoulders, is the threat of commitment. Now that there's nothing to hold him to you, the dynamic is repeated, where you're chasing an emotionally unavailable man. Do you remember posting your foundational background? Were you always chasing love?
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