Awesome Username Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Okay, I am a nice person but I am no doormat (or maybe I am...but I'm on the road to recovery I promise...). I am with someone who wants to be exclusive with me, but will not refer to me as his girlfriend and refuses to change his facebook status because he thinks it's dumb...even though I brought it up. I let my dad know about this, and he was more confused than I was. "Exclusive but you're not boyfriend and girlfriend...what on Earth? Why the Hell are you doing this? Do you think of yourself as so low as to...etc... So Loveshack, I propose an ultimatum. Believe it or not, this guy is actually a really good guy but seems to have some morals and comforts that are slightly different than mine. I'm sure that having to tell my dad (to his shame) that I will put up with a guy who doesn't want to commit is more embarrassing than him having to tell someone that I'm his girlfriend. Here it goes: Option 1: We can be just dating, but it wont be exclusive. If I meet someone who I like that wants my number, wants to eventually be my boyfriend and who doesn't mind changing his facebook status (there is actually a practical application to this if you are a girl who gets hit on a lot) then he gets exclusivity. If you find that you DO like me enough to graduate me to girlfriend status, I might go with you instead...but I'm not going to wait for it on your whim and not be able to see other people that could potentially be into me more than you are. Option 2: We could be really good friends. Option 3 is me graduating to girlfriend status immediately, but I don't want to force him into doing something that he isn't ready for so for practicality's sake, I'm omitting it. I'm sure he'll bring it up if/when he's interested. Thoughts?
bayouboi Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Option 4: Things just aren't working between us and I met this guy named bayouboi from LA so uh....
Author Awesome Username Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 Option 4: Things just aren't working between us and I met this guy named bayouboi from LA so uh.... Reworded: "Boy, I got an offer to make full-blooded Cajun babies. Don't let the door hit your butt on the way out!"
Author Awesome Username Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 Men don't respond very well to ultimatiums. Well, I do not respond well to our situation. It's either this or wait until he considers me his girlfriend (which he said is contingent on time...which if he has no reason to get to that point he never will. Meanwhile I'm exclusive with a guy and get no benefits out of it). What else do you propose I do/say?
bayouboi Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Reworded: "Boy, I got an offer to make full-blooded Cajun babies. Don't let the door hit your butt on the way out!" Cher, with you it'd be a minimum of 6 cajun babies ;o
phineas Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I really don't understand the need for a label. Are you sure your just not looking for an excuse to no longer be with him?
TouchedByViolet Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Well, I do not respond well to our situation. It's either this or wait until he considers me his girlfriend (which he said is contingent on time...which if he has no reason to get to that point he never will. Meanwhile I'm exclusive with a guy and get no benefits out of it). What else do you propose I do/say? I think you have the right idea AU. "I need time" is one of the most BS statements. It is ok to give a person a few days or maybe even a week on a major issue, but he OWES you a good explanation on why he doesn’t want to be gf/bf and if he keeps saying give me time he is stringing you along, and enjoying the status quo.
boogieboy Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Well, I do not respond well to our situation. It's either this or wait until he considers me his girlfriend (which he said is contingent on time...which if he has no reason to get to that point he never will. Meanwhile I'm exclusive with a guy and get no benefits out of it). What else do you propose I do/say? Do you really want to go though this much hassle to be with a guy who is ashamed to call you his girlfriend? His logic is BS. I dont buy that his real thinking is that calling you his gf is akin to saying "i love you". I think he is just keeping his options open, and he's not that into you. Tell him you that since he doesnt like you enough to call you his gf (he'll vehemently deny this), he doesnt get the exclusivity he wants. And you are downgrading him to non-exclusive status just in case you meet someone that wants to give you exclusivity and the title. Be prepared to take the loss though, be prepared for him to say "ok its over then". He doesnt want to call you his gf, so he is probably already prepared for let you go to avoid getting closer to you.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 I really don't understand the need for a label. Are you sure your just not looking for an excuse to no longer be with him? Well okay, then if you put it into that perspective...why even get married? All that is, is a label as well. It's completely embarrassing to a woman to admit that she's sleeping over at a guy's house and/or making out with him if they're not exclusive. When people ask us "Is that your girlfriend" and he says "No, we're dating." and thy ask, "How long?" and he eventually says, "About four months," that looks like a friends with benefits situation. When other men think that you're in a friends with benefits situation, sometimes they will try to take advantage of the fact. If women see that you're playing grabass and flirting with a man who doesn't consider you his girlfriend, that's grounds for you being a tramp. If I didn't like the guy, I would just tell him "We should be friends" without giving him the option of just stepping down slightly in the seriousness of our situation. Labels are important in that if a man isn't willing to respect something as easy and simple as telling someone you're truly exclusive, how on Earth is he going to be when something difficult comes by that you both have to work through? Bits and pieces do add up in the big picture.
Woggle Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 He is afraid of being looked at as the nice guy who is too eager. It is a game he is playing.
Author Awesome Username Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 Do you really want to go though this much hassle to be with a guy who is ashamed to call you his girlfriend? His logic is BS. I dont buy that his real thinking is that calling you his gf is akin to saying "i love you". I think he is just keeping his options open, and he's not that into you. Tell him you that since he doesnt like you enough to call you his gf (he'll vehemently deny this), he doesnt get the exclusivity he wants. And you are downgrading him to non-exclusive status just in case you meet someone that wants to give you exclusivity and the title. Be prepared to take the loss though, be prepared for him to say "ok its over then". He doesnt want to call you his gf, so he is probably already prepared for let you go to avoid getting closer to you. This is great advice boogieboy - thank you! It also sounds less naggy than an ultimatum. If he doesn't like it...well...it's not really that much of a loss to me anyway is it?
Author Awesome Username Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 He is afraid of being looked at as the nice guy who is too eager. It is a game he is playing. This could actually be the case since he has no other women around and has introduced me to all of his lifelong friends, is really happy around me, pays for stuff, etc. Sure it has him on my mind more often, However it's making me unhappy. If he really knows that he's doing and how it makes me feel (which he might not), then it's a high stakes game he's playing. He's not really contacting me, either. It's about to be game over he continues to treat me like one of his bro's.
flc Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Well okay, then if you put it into that perspective...why even get married? All that is, is a label as well. It's completely embarrassing to a woman to admit that she's sleeping over at a guy's house and/or making out with him if they're not exclusive. When people ask us "Is that your girlfriend" and he says "No, we're dating." and thy ask, "How long?" and he eventually says, "About four months," that looks like a friends with benefits situation. When other men think that you're in a friends with benefits situation, sometimes they will try to take advantage of the fact. If women see that you're playing grabass and flirting with a man who doesn't consider you his girlfriend, that's grounds for you being a tramp. If I didn't like the guy, I would just tell him "We should be friends" without giving him the option of just stepping down slightly in the seriousness of our situation. Labels are important in that if a man isn't willing to respect something as easy and simple as telling someone you're truly exclusive, how on Earth is he going to be when something difficult comes by that you both have to work through? Bits and pieces do add up in the big picture. Why not just tell him this? Be honest with him, tell him exactly how you feel and why. If he does not respect that then I think he is not in the relationship for the right reasons and you should move on
ADF Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 If your BF genuinely wanted to be exclusive, he would not be so determined to keep his facebook status as is. If he really wanted to be exclusive, changing it to make you happy would be a small thing. Try to keep something in mind. For many men--maybe most men--a monogamous, committed LTR is not the ideal. FWB is the ideal. In a FWB relationship, a guy gets all the benefits of having a GF, but with no strings--the ultimate win/win situation for him. Guys will often try to maneuver you into accepting some kind of FWB arrangement because that is what THEY want. You need to be tough here. Either you and he are on the same page, or you're not. And if you're not, don't even try to be friends--at least not right away.
DustySaltus Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Awesome, I think he's keeping his options open. When you talk to him about this he will probably respond in either one of three ways: 1) He's not seeing anyone else (if he puts "right now" in the sentence be wary) but he's been "hurt" or is "not ready" for something that serious at this point. 2) He says he cannot offer you what you want right now and breaks it off.... 3) He accepts.
befreckled Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 if past experience is anything, you have to be ready to be let go. I echo the other poster's thoughts abt men not being good with ultimatums. I'm sure exceptions happen but, it's easier on one's self to at least be prepared to be the rule and not the exception. Was with an ex for 10 months and I realised that I hadn't been introduced to his close friends, his family (even though our families were friends) as his girlfriend, like you I decided to put up an ultimatum and we both realised that, it was simple - he didn't love me and there is no future. of course we could go into details but why bother? You just have to be ready to let him go. If a guy really likes/wants you, he wouldn't want you to be available to anyone else. Not even the thought. That's how I feel.
torranceshipman Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 (edited) Okay, I am a nice person but I am no doormat (or maybe I am...but I'm on the road to recovery I promise...). I am with someone who wants to be exclusive with me, but will not refer to me as his girlfriend and refuses to change his facebook status because he thinks it's dumb...even though I brought it up. I let my dad know about this, and he was more confused than I was. "Exclusive but you're not boyfriend and girlfriend...what on Earth? Why the Hell are you doing this? Do you think of yourself as so low as to...etc... So Loveshack, I propose an ultimatum. Believe it or not, this guy is actually a really good guy but seems to have some morals and comforts that are slightly different than mine. I'm sure that having to tell my dad (to his shame) that I will put up with a guy who doesn't want to commit is more embarrassing than him having to tell someone that I'm his girlfriend. Here it goes: Option 1: We can be just dating, but it wont be exclusive. If I meet someone who I like that wants my number, wants to eventually be my boyfriend and who doesn't mind changing his facebook status (there is actually a practical application to this if you are a girl who gets hit on a lot) then he gets exclusivity. If you find that you DO like me enough to graduate me to girlfriend status, I might go with you instead...but I'm not going to wait for it on your whim and not be able to see other people that could potentially be into me more than you are. Option 2: We could be really good friends. Option 3 is me graduating to girlfriend status immediately, but I don't want to force him into doing something that he isn't ready for so for practicality's sake, I'm omitting it. I'm sure he'll bring it up if/when he's interested. Thoughts? You need to be more assertive. He's already made you feel embarrased in front of your pops. So if he wants to be exclusive that means it comes with the boyfriend tag, and if it is important to you, he'll change his FB status too. Any less and you won't feel comfortable, so he doesn't get the pleasure of your company. Simple as that. Anything less and you're compromizing yourself (because it comes through that you want more and if you do, you need to be with a man who can give you what you need). Edited to add: this 'I need time' is BS, and the fact that he isn't even calling you makes him sound (in my mind) like a schmuck. I think you need to call him out on this and be honest: 'I'm not really enjoying how this is going as you want exclusivity but not be in a couple with me - whats that about? - and you also hardly ever call me. Thats not cool. Lets just move on unless things get to be more fun/easier'. Make him see he can't keep your attention when he is messing around like this. I don't like the sound of the guy! Edited March 2, 2010 by torranceshipman
Crazy Magnet Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 While an ultimatum probably won't do a whole lot for you, phrasing how you feel and gauging his reaction should be enough to tell you whether or not it's worth it to continue. I know a lot of time and feelings are invested at four months. The question I always have to ask myself: does the good outweigh the bad? When the scales tip, it's time to leave. Also, it seems as though you're sort of feeling used in terms of all the hooking up with no title. It's not fair for you to feel this way when there are plenty of men out there who are more than willing to put labels on things. I usually throw everything plus four or five kitchen sinks at a relationship before I walk out, so I understand why it's hard to leave.
Rylle Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I think you have the right idea AU. "I need time" is one of the most BS statements. It is ok to give a person a few days or maybe even a week on a major issue, but he OWES you a good explanation on why he doesn’t want to be gf/bf and if he keeps saying give me time he is stringing you along, and enjoying the status quo. I completely agree with this. I have dated a guy with whom I was exclusive, but who wouldn't give me the title of "girlfriend" and wouldn't change his relationship status so that it said anything other than "single" (I would've been happy with him just not having a status). Saying that he is simply enjoying the status quo is EXACTLY what is going on here (...IMO ). I could go on and on about my situation like this. I say go with the "fine, then we're not exclusive" option if you REALLY like him and want to see how it goes in the future. Otherwise, I would take the "peace out cub scout" option and be "friends" (ie cut him out of your life), slowly but surely.
EYECANDY000 Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I'm sorry hun, I don't know the complete back story but how long have you guys been dating???
Author Awesome Username Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 I'm sorry hun, I don't know the complete back story but how long have you guys been dating??? Almost two months now. We became "exclusive" last week.
Pizzaman81 Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Okay, I am a nice person but I am no doormat (or maybe I am...but I'm on the road to recovery I promise...). I am with someone who wants to be exclusive with me, but will not refer to me as his girlfriend and refuses to change his facebook status because he thinks it's dumb...even though I brought it up. I let my dad know about this, and he was more confused than I was. "Exclusive but you're not boyfriend and girlfriend...what on Earth? Why the Hell are you doing this? Do you think of yourself as so low as to...etc... So Loveshack, I propose an ultimatum. Believe it or not, this guy is actually a really good guy but seems to have some morals and comforts that are slightly different than mine. I'm sure that having to tell my dad (to his shame) that I will put up with a guy who doesn't want to commit is more embarrassing than him having to tell someone that I'm his girlfriend. Here it goes: Option 1: We can be just dating, but it wont be exclusive. If I meet someone who I like that wants my number, wants to eventually be my boyfriend and who doesn't mind changing his facebook status (there is actually a practical application to this if you are a girl who gets hit on a lot) then he gets exclusivity. If you find that you DO like me enough to graduate me to girlfriend status, I might go with you instead...but I'm not going to wait for it on your whim and not be able to see other people that could potentially be into me more than you are. Option 2: We could be really good friends. Option 3 is me graduating to girlfriend status immediately, but I don't want to force him into doing something that he isn't ready for so for practicality's sake, I'm omitting it. I'm sure he'll bring it up if/when he's interested. Thoughts? I wouldn't get too worked up about facebook. Unless his status is visible as Single. For me, I don't like to put it in relationship, i like to keep my private life private... well except on here... oh crap. Anyway, but the being exclusive and not refer each other as boyfriend girlfriend, that's kind of weird. Did you ask him why? Don't be shameful for talking about this to your father, family is family and they are there to give advice and help. Ask him if there's something wrong about boyfriend girlfriend?
phineas Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 (edited) Well okay, then if you put it into that perspective...why even get married? All that is, is a label as well. It's completely embarrassing to a woman to admit that she's sleeping over at a guy's house and/or making out with him if they're not exclusive. When people ask us "Is that your girlfriend" and he says "No, we're dating." and thy ask, "How long?" and he eventually says, "About four months," that looks like a friends with benefits situation. When other men think that you're in a friends with benefits situation, sometimes they will try to take advantage of the fact. If women see that you're playing grabass and flirting with a man who doesn't consider you his girlfriend, that's grounds for you being a tramp. If I didn't like the guy, I would just tell him "We should be friends" without giving him the option of just stepping down slightly in the seriousness of our situation. Labels are important in that if a man isn't willing to respect something as easy and simple as telling someone you're truly exclusive, how on Earth is he going to be when something difficult comes by that you both have to work through? Bits and pieces do add up in the big picture. Marriage is far more than a piece of paper. I've got the bankrupsty & child support receipts to prove that. It must just be me. I personally could care less about any "official status" of any of my friends or the women they were with since as far back as I can remember. he's with her, she's with him, how complicated is that? I just don't get it. That's all. It's only been 2 months. How long before you give the ultimatum of Fiance'? I'll bet that is how He's looking at it. If you think he is keeping his options open then I can see where you are coming. Edited March 2, 2010 by phineas
EYECANDY000 Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Well, I was going to say that 2 months is a little early on to be proposing an ulimatum but you have to stand up and tell him what it is you want. Besides, its not just him in the relationship. My friend told me that was my problem in my last relationship. I didn't stand up for my self. And as cliche as it may sound a closed mouth don't get fed.. What is it you want from the relationship? If you feel like you like this guy but certain things he does , don't click with you and he's not willing to change it.... move on! Its only been 2 months..
Recommended Posts