SummerLady Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 What is a marriage like that is healthy? I am divorced and don't think I have a good idea of this. When you first get together you have that intensity of first dating then at some point that drops off a tad when you get married and you are then comfortable and love each other. Spend time together and live life. My marriage was a bad example eventhough I had good times here and there, they were few and far between. Can anyone here care to give me the whole story. I know there are always going be bad times but tell me what a healthy marriage consists of in general. I think? I have a good idea but would like to hear your opinions:love:.
Aurora-man Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I've always believed it whould be like a pefect partnership in all or as many areas of your being as possible. As if you are half human and your spouse is the other half, and only together are you whole. Your desire should never falter, like the olympic tourch your love and desire whould always burn. You should pour you love into thme shamelessly and they into you, that way you two whould always be full of love. When one hurts, the other's number wish is to stop the pain. When one is hungry the other's number goal is quench the thirst, whatever kind of hunger it is. Each spouse should have complete access and respect for the others body and never be denied as you would not deny your own hand , you should not deny the others. Trust, loyalty, companionship, and passion should your pillers. Do I have all this? No, but I still hold out hope we will get there.
blind_otter Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I think it's probably different for everyone, but my Dad always said "A good marriage is one where you can tolerate the other person's idiosynchrasies, and they can tolerate yours." It's slightly depressing, but really - I think it comes down to an agreement between two people, one that is constantly renegotiated and amended based on the changing personalities of the people involved, where they both give up some ground and in return get something from the other person, or the relationship, that enriches their life or makes them happier or satisfies them in some way. I've also read that primacy of the relationship and an egalitarian approach to shared relationship duties is also a good sign. My therapist stresses the necessity of having common goals. Sort of life having a business plan for your relationship, and having quarterly meetings to reassess your shared goals and progress. When I was young, relationships were all about feelings, and being swept away with intensity. Now most all of my interactions have lost that emotional intensity because I'm more stingy with my emotional energy in general. They are more logical and reasonably thought out. Most LTRs (I'm talking 30+ year relationships) that I have seen settle into a deep and sincere sort of companionship. There is still love, and ocassional bursts of passion, but it's not like a romance novel or anything like that.
ladydesigner Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Most LTRs (I'm talking 30+ year relationships) that I have seen settle into a deep and sincere sort of companionship. There is still love, and ocassional bursts of passion, but it's not like a romance novel or anything like that. Yes this makes a lot of sense. I think most people expect the passion to always be there, hence the many A's that happen because of loss of passion. I'm not sure there is long-lasting passion in most marriages and if you have it well that is extraordinary.
quankanne Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 a lot of good observations here ... the only thing I can think to stress is the absolute need for good communication skills in a marriage, because it's so easy to misread or misrepresent what's going on. And that leads to huge headaches. when the communication is flowing, even arguing with that person becomes a means of creative, constructive criticism, and not just screaming random put-downs about the stuff you don't like. I know it's made a huge difference in my own marriage. Most LTRs (I'm talking 30+ year relationships) that I have seen settle into a deep and sincere sort of companionship. There is still love, and occasional bursts of passion, but it's not like a romance novel or anything like that. people sell themselves short if they go into a relationship thinking it's going to be all passion, all the time there are so many different factors bombarding marriage/dedicated partnership that the only constant *is* change. While on the outside it might look like those LTRs are stifled, I'd say they aren't, they're just more seasoned, and the couple in that healthy LTR understands that 24/7 passion doesn't necessarily mean a strong marriage. It's a hard pill to swallow when one of you cannot wrap your mind around those changes that impact "passion" and you start begrudging your partner for not "being" what you want him/her to be. ... I love the Pete Townshend song, "Slit Skirt" because it outlines how a once-passionate relationship gets a reality check, but instead of finding common meeting ground, "recriminations fester" because the guy in the song isn't living up to his wife's expectations, and he's bitter because she's "got to be so drunk to try a new dance." We all find ourselves in that situation at one point or another, but unless you learn to embrace what change may come, you're doomed. just my two cents ...
Fouts Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Physical gratification, having great sexy is easy. I don't think I've ever had a lover that wasn't satisfying. To stay together forever imo you have to be best of friends, have a ton of respect and faith in each other as a person and similar goals in life in addition to being attracted to each other physically. It's a hard ticket to fill, which is why half get divorced and 30% of the other half are miserable or cheating.
wheream_i Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I've heard that a healthy marriage is learning how to say "Yes Dear."
Author SummerLady Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 Physical gratification, having great sexy is easy. I don't think I've ever had a lover that wasn't satisfying. To stay together forever imo you have to be best of friends, have a ton of respect and faith in each other as a person and similar goals in life in addition to being attracted to each other physically. It's a hard ticket to fill, which is why half get divorced and 30% of the other half are miserable or cheating. This is so true and its not brain surgery but most don't get it. The best friends part is so imperative, I have finally found that. I was not best friends with my ex husband and at the end of the day I did not respect him. I tried hard to make the marriage work but the basic fundamentals were missing. Nothing is perfect but I agree you need these to have a successful relationship.
crazycatlady Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I tend to look at my parents marriage as a model for my own. My parents have been married 40 years. Passion is still there between them. While there have moment of little to no passion, both work hard at keeping things kindled between the two of them. Its a relationship built of respect, acceptance, understanding, passion, love and trust. Both sets of grandparents also shared long happy and fairly passionate relationships until health reasons prevented it. I think its a mind set or something. I do not buy that passion in a LTR is rare. I think its precious and important. Maybe I'm just an overly passionate person or something, but I need it to feel alive. But a lot of the ltr I see personally have that passion. And this is a subject that has been talked about when we have talked about why some marriages work and others don't. Marriages don't have to be perfect or always passion filled. They do need to be worked at, and passion needs to be up front and center. CCL
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