tollmeyer Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Just a warning, this is a long vent for anyone that wants to read it. But it’s really helped me in being able to get it all out. I’m giving as much info as I can so people can give an informed response with my final questions. Names are changed of course. I recently had my world change in a way I didn't wish for it to change. It came as a complete shock as through December and January my wife and I were trying for a second child, we currently have a two year old boy. At the start of January when she went back to work the sex became a bit dull, with her laying there like a dead fish, so to speak, just before the end of January it stopped all together. Just before Christmas she mocked me in front of a lot of people that I was always tired and that she was the one jumping on me. A week into Feb and she comes out and tells me 'I want to separate, I don't love you anymore, sex feels funny with you'. We decided to go away for a week as a family but stayed in separate beds at flat, partly due to since our toddler had serious bout of febrile convulsions back in November last year we haven't been able to get him to sleep by himself. On the way back from the trip she goes 'I still want to separate'. My world pretty much collapsed then, especially when she told me not to tell anyone. Immediately she started acting odd. Couldn't look me in the face, phone was on silent all the time and I was only getting very limited information about what she was doing with or without our child, she also became very distant from him. This was starting cause me to, well feel something wasn't really right. A day later I picked up her phone, we have the same brand and colour phone and noticed that she was filtering her sent/recieved calls and messages severely, but noticed a msg to an unknown number 'it's i ok to call i will pretend your Rebecca' (rebecca being a friend of her sisters). I didn't really think too much of it and just tried to deal with the shock of what was happening. She then started wearing all her best and revealing clothes and making a point of not wearing any 'old' underwear. The Brazilian she got was also an odd shock. A week after telling me the 2nd time on the Friday before she went out, with me looking after our toddler, she tells me 'we are single now, we can do what we want'. We are still living together at this time and as she leaves I noticed the wedding rings were no longer on her finger. Nothing much really happened after that and life went along like normal, until a week later I decided to clean out my wardrobe, after telling me she wanted to separate she has finally started letting me exercise, something I've wanted to do for the 2 years but she wouldn't allow me the time. (note, for the last 2 years since our child was born i have been the one that gets him up in the morning, and puts him to bed as starts for at 4:45am. For the last 2 years I have tried to get him to sleep by himself but once I get him 'to that point' she will sleep with him in his bed for a couple of nights and ruin my hard work) Anyway, once i cleaned out all the clothes that were too small for me I did some little things around and then decided to fix some draws that always squeak. I did my two next the bed then went to do hers. I then find a used packet of morning after pills that were bought the morning after she went out after telling me 'we are single now'. My gut was really saying something is up here, espescially with all her secretive behavior and now going out all the time. I decided to keep it for myself. A couple of nights later I asked her if there was someone else, she couldn't look me in the eye, was very emotionless and said 'no'. About 2 hours later she started acting like a little 16 year old in love and told me that she has met someone that 'makes her heart flutter'. She didn't seem convincing and I put it down to an attempt to push me away and get me to agree to go. Two nights later on the friday I went to see a counselor for myself. At the end of my meeting I get a call to come and pick up our child 40 min away as she is going to a BBQ. I told her ‘ok I need to get some fuel and will be an hour and half’, she told me where her friend lived. Something in my gut said, screw the fuel, head up there now so I did. Before I got to her friends house she came across me at an intersection and practacilly jumped out of her car seat, with me getting more and more concerned. Picked up my toddler with her really avoiding any contact with me or even looking at me. So I head off, come to the intersection where I ‘bumped’ into her and my toddler goes ‘turn daddy’ and pointed which way, this went on a little bit until he became lost and me slightly, so I went the only way in knew, towards my sisters friends house and then towards the main road. Before I hit the main road my toddler got really excited and yabbering about ‘brett train’. I thought bugger it, and headed to my uncles that lives out of town, he’d know who lives there. He wasn’t home so on my way home, heading back into town, I saw her car(from a distance as I was driving along) pull up and park on the street in front of this house with people in it. ‘Ok I thought, she is out with friends.’ Later that night my sister asked her friend what way the car was parked as her friend went home around midnight, it was now parked in the driveway, not on the street and the lights were. Everyone now started saying she was up to no good. Saturday night she went out again with me looking after the toddler. Around 8ish I get a phone call from an my cousins ex-wife asking me where my wife is. To cut a long storey short, she had heard what’s going on with me, she babysits a child for man, when he came to pick his child up she was talking about the my situation. (Now this unknown phone from the start was named as a female but I had rang it and got message bank, it was male clearly saying his name). My ex-aunty asked for the name. I told her. End of converstation. Half an hour later the phone rings and my ex-aunty tells me to sit down, my father turns up blocking the driveway (she rang him first). My ex-aunty babysits the OM’s best mates child. (we will call him BM). Ex-aunty has also confirmed what she is about to tell me from people that work with my wife. Turns out my wife has been telling people A: I have been pushing her away for the last year, B: I initiated the separation. C: I don’t live at home. D: she has chased the OM for relationship. The BM asks for me not to say anything as he wants to see what the OM knows. BM can’t believe my wife has been introducing our child to the OM. So I stay quiet. During the week however I find messages on her phone with her asking to meet him before work for cuddles and kisses, how he is her sexy man, does he like mine/our son, can he perform the act he did the other night again(sex act). I then confront her about the pill and text messages. After denying them for a bit she admits to having a one night stand and that she to get the pill as she let the guy finish in her, she has no idea who is. And then tells me that her and the OM are just friends, but goes into detail about him. He is just like me, but more shy, quiet and withdrawn but has a better body. She then tells me her reasons for wanting to leave. I don’t do enough around the property. (I have permanment back injury from works around the property that can go at any time and after having a fire almost destroy the property I haven’t wanted to rush the work, but enjoy the property. She wants it all done yesterday). I don’t have the same hobbies and support her hobbies (I’ve tell her buy things to the single value of $25 without even thinking for her hobby, always look after our child so she can fully enjoy her hobbie and partly fund a good portion of her hobby. When I can get our child looked after I go to her hobby events). The work bench in the shed has tools over it. (It’s shed work bench right). And that I am fat, (that didn’t hurt as she has never helped in giving me time to exercise as I always let her do her stuff and go without). She then says ‘I want to be loved, have my hand held, doors opened for me, be kissed and filled with confidence’(this didn’t hurt either as I have always done this for her, it’s usually at her request with sex that we just ‘do it’ and not doing any foreplay (how’s that coming from a guy? But I enjoy giving someone ‘goose bumps’ more than the actual sex)) I thank her for her honesty. **** hits the fan two nights later, she wants all the animals put down because I won’t sign an ‘agreement’ here and now, she went a bit skitz, dragged a bookshelf down to the shed and cut it up into pieces. That night wasn’t fun, I slept with a chair against the door in my child’s room as I thought she was going to stab me. The next weekend that comes around she tells me ‘Not to tell her parents about the OM and not to talk to anyone from her side of the family’. Off she goes, the next day she comes to get ready for her hobby and her pop’s up. She mentioned something about being satisfied last night to me, out of ear shot of her father, I then blurted everything out in front of her father. She went of her dial especially when I told her father the reason she didn’t want me helping her with the hobby today was she was taking the OM to the event tomorrow to meet her sister, her off dial level increased, she said the one night stand wasn’t even important and as many guys as she wants can do it to her. Her father was acting odd, clenching his fists so I decided to leave and go pick up our child (she hadn’t seen him for 48hrs at this point, and didn’t ask about him.) she tells the one night stand wasn’t important and that I am going to look at a property at a particular street, the OM’s street (I’m pissed about this as the house is well within my means and really excellent), I tell her as I’m leaving ‘I don’t care about the one night stand, if you have caught anything then you have to live with it’ and I leave. That night and like the last she stays at the OM’s house, despite she told everyone she was staying at her aunties, she told her parents that she was staying at our house. I then get another call from the ex-auntie, the BM has been around to the OM. My wifes car is in the driveway, the OM wouldn’t let his BM in and claimed the car was a mate from the city. (The OM, BM and wife all work at the same place including a relative of the wife, so the BM knows who’s car it is). BM leaves the house and get’s home and sends a simple text message to the OM ‘say hi to (my wifes name). The next night she gets home and spends about an hour sobbing in the bathroom and refuses to talk to me or have anything to with our child. I find out later the OM didn’t go to the event as the BM him told him what is going on, how we were trying for a kid, how she instigated the separation, how we are still living together at home. Turns out the OM has been in my same postion a few years ago, except he is now the home-wrecker. And it practically destroyed him emotionally, a child was involved too. Two nights later I come home from work, wife, child and animals are gone. I ring her. She is now at her parents. Now guys, I have not lied here, I have not embellished the truth. She then claims I am a danger to her and my son. I am a stalker. Her father then gets on the phone and accuses me of being a ‘rapist’ The only violent act I have done in ten years of knowing her was when she had a heap of trees cut down without a permit, a week after someone near us was fined big $$$ for doing the same. I walked in side, screamed ‘fu#k’ and slammed my fist against the wall. I found a join in the plaster and a nail, it hurt. I never been in a fight and recently started back at an employer I left with one of the main reasons being due to my easy going nature and that they have never seen me ‘go off’ even when under large amounts of pressure. Her father is talking about two nights in particular, the first being 2 nights after she first told me. She asked for a back massage, like I normally give almost every night to every 2nd, after giving her the massage I leant over her and said ‘how about a bit of a much around for old times sake’, she said ‘no’ I said ‘you sure’, she said ‘no’, I then got up and went and slept in our childs room. 2 nights later she asks for another massage, at the end like I normally do I touched her on the boob, she said ‘no’, I left the room. That was a little bit of habit, I would usually touch her on the boob, if she pushed me away, no sex, if she let me keep going, I was getting lucky that night. I could get a list longer than the internet of people who believe I am placid and am danger to no one. I’ve had countless offers to ‘beat the OM’ up, and have told all that violence will not solve my issues. Now here lies my problem. She won’t move home unless I sign something to say I am danger to her and her child, won’t go anywhere near anyone she associates with and that I am a sexual predator. I sign it, she comes home with our child. This I am aware would be a major mistake on my behalf if I did, and also me lying. Second, if I agree to this ‘agreement’ that I typed up, which is all her suggesting for me leaving. Eg, small amount of $$$, a couple of possessions and that she won’t charge any child support (she can change her mind is 6 months and hit with child support, as this agreement is not legally binding). I put some things in the agreement about custody of our child that she wants omitted as I have found out from a couple of sources(trusted) that she has been told not to sign any form of parenting agreement as it means she can’t just pack up and take our child anywhere. It would mean I have grounds to contact the police if she did. She was told to leave half her clothes and mine when she left the house to give her grounds to say she has not left. She refuses to talk about anything, including our childs health, (I thought he was going to have another febrile convulsion the other night when looking after him and she told me not to talk to her when I sent a message to her that I was concerned about him and would let her know if anything changed with him). Her father has told me numerous times now my wife wants to commit suicide and has tried once now. Her mother has also told a few people that she wants to kill herself as she is embarrassed by what her daughter has done. My wife is having constant mood swings ranging from happy to kill the world. The only reason she told me she wanted to separate was after her sister found out what she was doing. (her sister has had someone cheat on her). She will only talk to me via phone, and on loud speaker (the ambient sounds are so much louder, plus the other night someone saying ‘ssshh, he might hear you’ sort of gave it away others are listening). I’ve also picked up on particular cars doing drive-by’s of my house when she is at the OM, they belong to her friends and family. I have not followed her anywhere and have found out where she is by people ringing and telling me, including the BM. She has returned to the house now twice while I have been asleep. Once to grab clothes and to return some animals to the property, I woke up freaked out when I noticed clothes gone from the clothes horse in the same room I was sleeping in. She has accused me of removing assets of the property, that actually belong to other people, one in particular that is getting repaired before I can return it. But she has removed almost $30k of assets of the property. She lets me know when I can have access to our child around 3pm for that particular night I can have him. Or I can have him if she is going out, pretty much like when we were married but I have no recourse to be a door mat now. If I want to the city I have to deviate and hour out of my way to go well past her parents house or she will have me ‘arrested’. She keeps blaming me for everything and is trying to push everything to be sorted out this week before I have another session with my consoler. She refuses to go to marriage consoling. Keeps stating if we go to court in any shape or form, even to lodge agreements that she won’t speak to me or let me have access to our child. Is pissed at me she has to pay $200 to $300 per visit to her lawyer (the price changes randomly with her), especially as mine is only going to charge me once he has to do some ‘serious’ work, eg go to court. Her own mother and family have admitted she is only a part time mother, she has been going out while at her mothers and getting our child baby sat most nights. She found I got a number of a girl the other night at the supermarket, even though I am not ready for another relationship and this girl has the same hobbies as my wife so it’s a bit me thinking I am a glutton for punishment, and went off her dial. Refuses to indicate if she can get me or my parents of the mortgage. My parents have their house tied to ours as the are guarantors for the mortgage. She won’t back down on anything as if it is found out her relative at her work and her sister have helped lie for her, her family will have a major fight. (her family holds grudges forever over the littlest things.) Back when our child had a bout of convulsions and I took him to hospital I had to get my mother to come with me as my wife wanted to sleep and go to work. It was only after my mother rang her work and told them what was going on that they sent her home to come to the hospital. (this has cut me up really bad for a while now, I had to lie to my own mother and say she had to go to work as they were going to sack her). She is pissed at me as the bank won’t give her the money to take over the mortgage by herself and her parents won’t go as guarantors either. I keep getting told by my wife not to tell people what is going on and for my parents not to have anything to do with us, yet her parents keep poking their noses in and all my are concerned with is making sure they don’t lose their house if my wife and I go into default on the mortgage. I’ve been verbally abused by her for telling her parents about the OM and what she is doing, despite her making a point of telling my grandparents hours after telling me the 2nd time that she wanted to separate, this week my grandfather is going to hospital as he has dropped almost 14kg. This is going to be the death of him. She refuses to admit any wrong doing and keeps putting the blame of the marriage dying on me, I know I’m partly to blame, but I wasn’t the one who chased after another guy, then got found out by someone and came clean to my other half. Her big thing is that she claims she has told me a couple of times that she wanted to separate. I admit she did but it was more ‘I want to leave’, while at the same time trying to get me to do something around the property or if I wasn’t happy with something she was doing so that I would let her do it. I’ve even said it once or twice when I need a break from our child just for an hour of mental clarity after trying to keep him amused for a whole weekend while she has been doing her hobby. Every time we would have a serious discussion it would come to an abrupt end if I pointed out one of her faults, like how she will just ‘holler’ for me and I have to stop what I am doing. Chirst, I even remember the day I was changing a nappy and she cracked it that I didn’t get a drink then and there. I’ve been seeking legal advice but am not sure what I should do morally. Some parts of me say sell the house and assets. Another part say’s let have what she wants so that is best for our child as he wants to come home knowing that she could then screw me at any point for child support. One major part does tell me to get it all sorted, and get my own place as at the moment if she tries to come back to me it’s too easy for he just to hop in the same bed, instead of us going back to dating and her proving that she wants me back. I’m sort of in limbo, I can put an offer on two houses that well within my means. I’ve even had three females show an interest in, just as friends, but am too scared to talk to them for fear of how the wife will act. I can’t even organize to go out with friends as she will ring me at the drop of hat and give me a rare chance to look after our child now. The first couple of nights after she told she wanted to separate I had my phone ready to dial emergency services as I really felt like I was going to be hurt in a physical way by her. One major thing that does have me a bit messed up is that both of us were really looking forward to second child, had planned it all out, everything this time. I was probably looking forward to it a little more as I really do love being a parent. One of the best life choices I/we ever made. Just a bit pissed he’s not going to get the child hood he deserves. Oh, that’s what is also cutting me up a bit, she has clearly stated that her primary interest is the property and assets, not our child. I couldn’t give two ****s about the property, but our child is really distraught at the moment. He knows what is going on and doesn’t like it, and to make matters worse he only wants to be around me at the moment. Hell, twice now I have gotten my consoler to cry. I’ve been told that I don’t need the visits and that my wife really needs to seek help. Either I have crap consoler or they are being honest. Looking back on the decade we have been a couple I have always copped the raw deal, and as many said I do deserve better. I still do love my wife, her faults and annoyances where something that caused my love to be so blind and would forgive and forget if she was willing to talk, but she would have to prove she is coming back to me and not just coming back for because reality hit as to how hard things are going to be. How or what should I do? I want to get on with my life and move forward. Seeing as though she doesn’t want to talk should I let the lawyers deal with it? Just feeling confused as the people I know haven’t been through a similar situation, or have had amicable separations with no issues. Anyone’s input would greatly be appreciated. I can be happy with myself that I have done everything to try and save the marriage. It’s her that wants to let it die now. After she left the house I found it amusing that the only photo’s she didn’t take were those of the wedding and child birth.
FeelingLonely98 Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 (edited) tollmeyer - WOW. First of all welcome to LS and I am sorry you're going through all of this. It sounds like your W has been feeling "distant" from you for a while now. The way you describe the sex ("she pushed me away, no sex", "was getting lucky that night", ...), it seems there was never (or at least for a long time) any passion coming from your W. Does your W have any desire at all to fix this, whatever fix may mean for you two? Will she go to therapy or counseling either alone or with you as a couple? She does not sound rationale at all ... asking you to sign the paper stating you are a danger to her and the kid? It sounds like you've done what you can - now I don't think there is much YOU can do now to change her thoughts about the M. It needs to come from within and I don't think she is going to change any time soon. I would suggest you just take care of yourself. You said you can be happy alone. Good. Research the 180 and do that - do it more for you than as a means to win her back. The 180 can sometimes have an effect on a WAS that helps them feel differently about the M. It almost feels to me that you should just send her divorce papers if she doesn't want to work on the M. (It will be interesting to hear what others here on LS feel about this.) Do you wish to have full custody or shared custody of your child if the M dissolves? Your story reminds of so many others where the WAS never turns back - and I fear that is your situation as well. It feels oddly similar to mine except that I never got clues - I was blindsided with the request for a D and then started finding and hearing the things that you described. The BEST thing I did was convince myself to move on and start living for me. I could have wallowed in my misery and despair for months (years?) but forced myself to move on. Moving on for everyone means something different... Keep posting here - it will be very therapeutic for you and you will get a wealth of information from caring folks who've been through what you have. GOOD LUCK! Edited March 2, 2010 by FeelingLonely98
hopesndreams Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 You need to go for full custody of your son. You are the better parent. She is so messed up with all her deviousness and the way she has treated you both. Good chance you could get custody because many WS, not only desert their spouse, but there child as well. Chances are she won't put up much of a fight. She wants her freedom and fun times with other men at whatever price. If full custody is not possible be sure to get joint custody. The little fella needs a stable parent in his life and you come across as an excellent father. Stop listening to your heart and listen to your brain instead. She is way too far gone for you to get the woman you use to know back. She no longer exists. In it's place is a dangerously, selfish monster. Do not blame yourself. It was her choice to become one. I would suggest going complete NC with her at this point and communication to be done strictly through lawyers. She is not the only flaky one to watch out for, her family is that way as well. Never forget, blood is thicker than water. If you are in their lives it will give them more ammo to shoot you down with.
Author tollmeyer Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 It's a bit hard to work out exactly if she was avoiding sex. At night she had thing about not wanting to do it, but there was probably more times where she actually initiated it. A lot of the time it was more to guage if i'd put her to sleep pretty much with a massage. It's always baffled me a bit with that most times I would only have to touch and we were off and away. but we won't dwell on that. She doesn't have a clear desire to fix it. Well, when she says we are over and that she doesn't want to fix it's very hard to work out if she is being honest. It's not me dwelling to some small hope but she has always been very easy to read, hence why my gut was telling me something was wrong and why some people had picked up on a bit of bad vibe once she went back to work. She doesn't want to go to counseling as a couple, but was open to going to a marriage counselor the other night after I'd been once or twice so that she could then explain where we failed to help me seek closure or so to speak. She won't go as a couple as she is very easy to cave into any sort of authority figure and knows that I can force things out in the open with her. She's never been a good liar and if you change topics in rapid succession and revert back to what you want find out she will generally always let it slip. It's unfortunately how I've managed to get her to come clean on a few things. But one other problem is if the her relative and sister are ever found out having lied for her over this matter would cause some serious implications in her family. So she will be trying to avoid that. One thing that doesn't help is I have an excellent support group of friends, relatives and people that I know. I currently have 2 houses lined up to rent. Places to stay, etc. Works also very sympathetic and understanding of the situation. Something she doesn't have at the moment or will ever have. the people she has around aren't the best for emotional support. It doesn't help that her mother has admitted defeat from the moment she found out I'd been told that my wife wanted to seperate, with the comments of 'she always get what she wants, just let her have it and move on' 'I can't talk to her she is a disgrace'(in reference to my wife). I'd love to get full access of my child, but he still needs his mother in his life. One plan she has suggested is me having each night she works, so that she can get to work without any issues and then rotating weekends. but like the amount her lawyer is charging, it changes randomly at the moment. Like the conversation we had tonight where i was trying to get something worked out in regards to custody of our child. I had to ring day care to find out if he'd been picked up as I wasn't sure if she was or I was going to get another message around 4pm with 'you just go pick him up now'. The conversation started of great and then went south suddenly when I said that my old xbox was working fine and she could give it to her friend for half a slab of beer. I don't want to be a prick and just cave in a sign this anything, but she does need space at the moment. Due to her mental state I have avoided asking her if she was willing to accept a money offer and walk with pretty much everything she holds dear. But I feel something else is at play here as well. One thing I failed to mention was that early on in our relationship we had to have an abortion, well she felt she had to, due to a condom breaking. When we tried for our first child there wasn't really that much trying, we tried for about 2 weeks, decided to stop and buy a car and then a couple of weeks later she is late. One thing that has plagued females on her side is some issues with cysts in uterous, she has 2 aunties that can't have children and one cousin that all seem to be effected around the 30 year old mark that can't have children. We tried for 2 months and she confided in my brothers partner just before we started trying that she was very worried she couldn't have a second child. finding out that she had to have a c-section with our first because her hips aren't wide enough shook her about a bit. It's been suggested by a few people that this is her way of acting out seeing as though things haven't worked to her plan. she's always been very 'my way and my way now', or it gets thrown to the side. Some others have also hinted at post natal depression but she hasn't been to the point of hating the world, just not really bonding with our son, so i think that's a bit of fear mongering by some people. Without doing another 15 page essay, there are many things that she is doing and has done recently and in the last couple of months that have been very out of character, especially some of her comments when my parents almost bust up once again but worked things out again(they have problems 2 to 3 times year). The only argument the wife and i had in the last six months was over some brackets for some shelf, which was solved when i just bought all 4 variants of the bracket on the credit card, then returned the ones that didn't match decor of our house. Some people have only enlightened me of them once they found out what was happening. Some of what she is doing is a bit of going to greener pastures as it's easier for her as somethings haven't gone exactly the way she wanted. And she has always been prone to throw away something difficult and just gone on to whats easy. It's why I have stopped her from selling one of her horses and to keep working at it, the horse has come a long way and is only being let down now by my wife's lack of confidence in it. If she sticks with a bit longer she could make a nice profit of what was once only really 'hack' of a horse. The best thing for me in my own opinion, is to move forward. Get on with life, but if she does collapse mentally, as she isn't herself at the moment, is to be there for her if she does need or want the support, she may have not meant her vows but i did. I see a couple of things happening if I move forward, A: I'll enjoy life and meet someone else. B: she will do the same and go off and be happy. C: she might try to come back by where I will have to ascertain her reasons for doing so. The main thing for me at the moment is getting some sort of stability for our child. After that we can sort out the property and what not. It's probably why taking the petty offer just so he can get back in his own bedroom is appealing at the moment.
FeelingLonely98 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 You need to go for full custody of your son. You are the better parent. She is so messed up with all her deviousness and the way she has treated you both. Good chance you could get custody because many WS, not only desert their spouse, but there child as well. Chances are she won't put up much of a fight. She wants her freedom and fun times with other men at whatever price.... Agreed. Whether it is due to deviousness (as hnd calls it) or is more due to mental instability as you seem to imply - all indications are that she is not fit to be a parent right now.
Author tollmeyer Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 Tonight I got out of my session with my counselor. She is really happy with how I am going, especially my weight loss and how happy I am. Since my wife told me she wants to separate and has allowed me to exercise I have gone from 131kg and am now down to 123kg (Been eating right for a year now, exercise is getting me to tip the balance). Co-workers even said today how different my mindset is, I mumbled 'I've hurt my little toe so I won't be able to go for a walk... will have to go into my mothers to use her exercise bike'. Six months ago I would have not gone for the walk and just watched TV. Still feeling bad that I haven't gone for a walk though, bike just didn't feel the same. Anyway, Got out of my session, got home and sat down to look at some houses for sale online. After an hour I get a phone call from the wife ' Our son is not coping staying at her parents. Would i think about having him at our house on the nights I am to have him and on the nights she has him can she stay at our house and i find somewhere else to stay on those nights' Told her I would think about it. She was extremely calm, like the woman i have known for the last 10 years, not bi-polar mess she usually is at the moment. However, her father needs to learn to shut his mouth and not coach her in the back ground. (honestly at work we prompt people with bits of paper, not whispering in the background when the person on the other end can hear you ) Honestly guys, are you left thinking 'WTF?' by that idea? So our child is to be the main resident of the house and the wife and I are to treat it like a hotel depending on the nights we have with him? I'm all for settling him down but this is an idea that just seem to be in the same ball park as 'logic'. It's a long weekend so if she pesters me I'm simply telling her 'I am still thinking about but want to speak to my lawyer first', or should i say 'I am still thinking about it'. She wants me to pick up our son from her parents house tomorrow, thankfully I have gotten her to agree to have her mother meet me at store in the town there. I didn't like the idea of having to enter her parents property to pick my child up, it's one way in and I can easily be boxed in if they want to pull some stunt. Also making sure I have someone with me whenever I pick him up or she drops him off. She doesn't like or want to drop him off at the reception of the local police station and keeps suggesting spots that I don't really feel confident going to. Reason being with her rapid mood changes I would prefer to do it in front a police officer instead of random witness that will only take notice if she makes a scene. EDit: @ feelinglonely, my counselor said the same thing tonight.
hopesndreams Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Tonight I got out of my session with my counselor. She is really happy with how I am going, especially my weight loss and how happy I am. Since my wife told me she wants to separate and has allowed me to exercise I have gone from 131kg and am now down to 123kg (Been eating right for a year now, exercise is getting me to tip the balance). Co-workers even said today how different my mindset is, I mumbled 'I've hurt my little toe so I won't be able to go for a walk... will have to go into my mothers to use her exercise bike'. Six months ago I would have not gone for the walk and just watched TV. Still feeling bad that I haven't gone for a walk though, bike just didn't feel the same. Anyway, Got out of my session, got home and sat down to look at some houses for sale online. After an hour I get a phone call from the wife ' Our son is not coping staying at her parents. Would i think about having him at our house on the nights I am to have him and on the nights she has him can she stay at our house and i find somewhere else to stay on those nights' Told her I would think about it. She was extremely calm, like the woman i have known for the last 10 years, not bi-polar mess she usually is at the moment. However, her father needs to learn to shut his mouth and not coach her in the back ground. (honestly at work we prompt people with bits of paper, not whispering in the background when the person on the other end can hear you ) Honestly guys, are you left thinking 'WTF?' by that idea? So our child is to be the main resident of the house and the wife and I are to treat it like a hotel depending on the nights we have with him? I'm all for settling him down but this is an idea that just seem to be in the same ball park as 'logic'. It's a long weekend so if she pesters me I'm simply telling her 'I am still thinking about but want to speak to my lawyer first', or should i say 'I am still thinking about it'. She wants me to pick up our son from her parents house tomorrow, thankfully I have gotten her to agree to have her mother meet me at store in the town there. I didn't like the idea of having to enter her parents property to pick my child up, it's one way in and I can easily be boxed in if they want to pull some stunt. Also making sure I have someone with me whenever I pick him up or she drops him off. She doesn't like or want to drop him off at the reception of the local police station and keeps suggesting spots that I don't really feel confident going to. Reason being with her rapid mood changes I would prefer to do it in front a police officer instead of random witness that will only take notice if she makes a scene. EDit: @ feelinglonely, my counselor said the same thing tonight. The BIGGEST mistake you can make at this point is leaving your home the nights that she wants to stay. Where will you go? Who will keep her company on the nights you are not there? You must be tough! Do not roll over and jump through hoops for her!
Author tollmeyer Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 (edited) That was one of the things that popped into my head as she was saying it. Somehow she has gotten an idea to get me out of the house, I can just see the first night I spend away, only to return to house with different locks or her pulling some other trick out. Like the thing she wanted me to sign saying I was danger to her and our child, this seems too much like a trap. You must be tough! Do not roll over and jump through hoops for her! That's whats caused a bit of friction with her, I haven't been rolling over like I used to. Edited March 5, 2010 by tollmeyer
hopesndreams Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 That was one of the things that popped into my head as she was saying it. Somehow she has gotten an idea to get me out of the house, I can just see the first night I spend away, only to return to house with different locks or her pulling some other trick out. Like the thing she wanted me to sign saying I was danger to her and our child, this seems too much like a trap. That's whats caused a bit of friction with her, I haven't been rolling over like I used to. Good on ya. Stick to plan. Do not falter.
Author tollmeyer Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Well yesterday she came home with our child. I had my brother in law (my side) over as we were fluffing about on the playstation. She started getting all my stuff and dumping it in the spare room, dragged the mattress of the bed and pushed it into the spare room and wouldn't speak to either of us. Only thing she said was 'if you speak, touch or doing anything to me you will be charged'. I just let her go and kept our child amused. Today she headed off to see her mother. Comes back around 2ish. Drags a dirty old single bed mattress in for her self and some other stuff. She couldn't look me in the face and put the little fella to bed as he was asleep in her car. Then comes and asks me 'Are you right to get him to day care?' I reply 'I have never had a problem getting him to day care', she asks 'let me know if you want me picking him up or you picking him up from daycare. I'm just going down to the shed'. Walks outside, hops in her car, drives down to the shed, does a u-turn and drives out the property. Am I right to be thinking that she isn't coming home tonight? The way she was acting my first thought was to call LifeLine and see if they could do anything. Once again I've had to cancel what I was doing this arvo. Not fussed totally as with the way she was acting before it's probably better that our child is safe with me. Her body language, tone of voice and general demeanor was very odd. I'm too scared to send her message asking 'want anything for tea?' as she might interpret that oddly, evening though I'm just using it to gauge if she is coming home. I can't keep telling our child 'mummy is at work' as he is starting to realize that she isn't.
Author tollmeyer Posted March 13, 2010 Author Posted March 13, 2010 Worked out why she moved home. It's easier to hide the OM from her parents and family if she is home here. What should I do with now having one of her friends and another of the OM's make contact with me about what she is doing. Her friend has just left after having a couple of coffee's with me. She was white as ghost when I opened the door and said 'Do you know wifey is sleeping with someone else'. Never seen someone so relieved when I told her that I was aware of it. I can ignore every unknown number I get on my phone as it could be someone asking for a quote for work. She's currently threatened to have me charged, (again) with anything that sticks if I take our dog to the Vet. It's been vomiting a fair bit, contacted a vet at the RSPCA but he thinks it's due to changing it's diet and as I've found, the wife wasn't worming it. Just have to take it to a vet monday instead of paying $$$ unless it gets worse tomorrow and I do have to got to the vet. Would be good if there was rule book for separations and divorce.
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