Emotional roller-coaster continuing after couples counseling session?

[just_some_guy]

Had a couples counseling session today. Like the first one last week, it was a tough one, especially on my W. About an hour afterwards, she calls me at work wanting me to come home, all in tears and I thought someone had just died or got the call they had cancer.

 

But no, it's left overs of the session, that she wants to continue crying and being emotional and on the roller coaster of emotions for the next four hours.

 

I think there needs to be a boundary of some sorts on the counseling sessions. It kind of needs to stop there, at least for a while, to give a chance to process emotions.

 

Continuing it without the counselor, along with all the emotional upheaval just isn't fair.

[SoConfusledandHurt]

 

Continuing it without the counselor, along with all the emotional upheaval just isn't fair.

 

I know its not fair, but isnt it something you should be able to do as a couple?

[carhill]

I think there needs to be a boundary of some sorts on the counseling sessions. It kind of needs to stop there, at least for a while, to give a chance to process emotions.

 

Pretty simple. Communicate tasking to the counselor. Most are quite flexible. They want the process to work. IMO, it should be balanced. A good counselor knows how far to 'push' and when to back off to retain positive flow. Is your counselor a psychologist?

 

My stbx and I had 14 months of MC, about 35 sessions IIRC, so feel free to ask any pertinent questions. I found MC to be a positive process.

[just_some_guy]

Pretty simple. Communicate tasking to the counselor.

 

I don't understand, "communicate tasking"? What is that?

 

I think I need a safe corner somewhere instead of going home. It is just too much emotion to handle if the same old bad feelings just get repeated and repeated for hours and hours after a session.

 

I know its not fair, but isnt it something you should be able to do as a couple?

 

I can't see it working, I'm calm and expressing feelings truthfully and as gently as possible, she's on emotional earthquake crisis level 9 crying and hyperventilating. For hours and hours afterwards.

 

She wonders why I can't talk to her????

 

It's nothing I haven't been saying, verbatim, for months. It's just not being immediately dismissed from a state of denial anymore or ignored completely as if never even said.

Edited March 3, 2010 by just_some_guy

[TaraMaiden]

You lay this before your counsellor.

You tell him exactly what you've told us, but be warned:

Your counsellor may well assist you in both reaching a compromise.

It sounds to me as if you believe what goes on there, should stay there.

It sounds to me as if she wants to give the whole session - not to mention your complete relationship a moratorium in triplicate.

 

*My understanding and experience is that men are usually less comfortable discussing heavy emotional situations, emotionally.

However, women are far more open and prone to continuing discussions in order to just beat whatever is on their minds, to death and get it all out....*

 

You may have to accept some "out-of-hours" discussion is necessary.

You may well have to face up to talking things through with her, outside of counselling.

She will have to accept that she has to use her judgement and timing, and discuss things in a rational and logical way, not pour fifteen gallons of tears and snot everywhere to keep your attention....

I think you need some guidance from your counsellor on effective "outside" communication.

Whatever the result may be.

 

(*I'm generalising, I realise not all men & women are like this, but it's been a constant experience of mine to see this in action....)

[Ronni_W]

I think there needs to be a boundary of some sorts on the counseling sessions. It kind of needs to stop there,

Yes...and no.

If your wife is "processing emotions" immediately after session, that is her right and prerogative. Where she is misguided is in her thought-belief that YOU are supposed to be involved in HER process. (Where she is seriously misguided is to call you home from work for it!)

 

Yes, you two do need to discuss what goes on in session, do assignments together and whatever else is recommended by the therapist...but that does not include using each other as "emotional dumping grounds" or sitting around watching while the other goes all cathartic.

 

You're right that it is unreasonable and unrealistic (not "unfair" so much) for your wife to expect you to be available or able to handle it -- you're not trained and you've got a day job that kind of requires you to be there.

 

Ask the counselor what are more effective ways of individually dealing with the aftermath of sessions. It may be that you will have to endure some of it, but that your wife will need to put her stuff on hold until it is a MUTUALLY convenient time (so, not rush at you the minute you step in from work, either.)

 

Wishing you very best outcomes from counseling.

[SoConfusledandHurt]

 

 

 

I can't see it working, I'm calm and expressing feelings truthfully and as gently as possible, she's on emotional earthquake crisis level 9 crying and hyperventilating. For hours and hours afterwards.

 

She wonders why I can't talk to her????

 

It's nothing I haven't been saying, verbatim, for months. It's just not being immediately dismissed from a state of denial anymore or ignored completely as if never even said.

 

Im sorry, but I dont understand why you are staying and putting up with it. Unless you have some guilt over the situation, there is NO reason anymore. You DO NOT love your wife and its clear. She knows it and is now resorting to manipulating OR guilting you into staying and "helping" her through her issue.

 

Be a man...be honest with her. Tell her you have fallen out of love with her and feel its best to help her from a distance and as a friend. Not a husband. If she gets angry and doesnt want to be friends...so be it. But make sure she knows the offer is on the table. Seriously...just leave...its what you want anyway!