mryzenga Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Hello, I'm simply here to get a little honest feedback from a few outsiders. It has been 4 months to this day that I became aware of my wife's 2 ½ year love affair. My wife had an affair, and yes her relationship with another man was emotional and physical. We have been married for 9 years we have 3 children together, I am 36, she is 34 years old. She met another man one night out with some girlfriends. He is also married and has 3 children. I was informed by his wife, who called me last November, she was a stranger to me. The details of their affair are very real and painful for me to cope with. The two of them would talk almost daily by cell phone. Often times they would meet in a parking lot to talk more, have sex, or go somewhere together, many of times to a restaurant or for a drive. Since I found out I have been giving her a second chance. Even after there was a short period where she continued to lie and hide some of the details. That was painful too and I will say this has been the most difficult situation I have ever been in. I do believe it's over now and my wife is finally telling me everything that I ask for. To the best to my knowledge she has severed all communication with him and I finally think I've gotten all of the answers I need to know. We have been sexual throughout the ordeal and it feels good knowing she wants to be with me, at least I think so, especially because the affection was absent for some time. It has just been extremely difficult for me not to think about her affair, mainly because it had gone on for so long. I honestly had no idea she was having one, but now I'm stuck thinking about it, almost constantly. My wife and I have spent hours upon hours talking about it and trying to work our way through it. She does appear very regretful and wants to keep our marriage. We both are very hurt. I never expect it to happen, nor did I see it coming because I trusted her and thought I knew her better. I thought we knew each other better. But right now I am at no where near ready to forgive her. I think perhaps we need more time away from each other to figure things out. We have only been apart for a few short days thus far. I find it hard to stay away because I do still love her and don't want to loose what we have together. We can't really afford to divorce and I don't want to do it to our kids. Plus, neither one of us wants to be left with the stigmatism of divorce around family and friends. But maybe that's best for us. This is the first time any of this has happened in our marriage, at least that I know of. It was a complete shock to me. She said she was unhappy in our marriage and she understands now that she was vulnerable and confused. I have my faults, but I consider myself to be an honest, loving husband and father, others would agree. I make decent money, I'm home every night, I'm attractive and I have a positive attitude, but obviously something went terribly wrong in my marriage and I don't know how to fix it. That's why I'm here to listen and get some feedback.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR MARRIAGE. dont believe what anyone says here.She had free will! and did what she wanted to do it was her choice! SOMETHING WAS WRONG INSIDE OF HER! PERIOD! What steps are you taking to make sure an affair NEVER happens again, what boundries are you willing to enforce, how s she earning your trust back. Is she transparent?
FryFish Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Ya man, if she doesn't give up EVERYTHING you ask her to then you need to just get out.
kevinm1019 Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Well I just experienced the same thing recently and I'm having the same difficulty. We have been together for 13 years and out of nowhere I found out about her affair. For me, I found out within a month of it happening because the signs were starting to show. Destiny was calling because she shattered her knee in a fall and I found out while trying to dial her parents from the emergency room because of all of the previous text messaging she had been doing with her cousin regarding her experiences. The hard part for me is trying to comprehend why it happened. I was a very loving, dedicated, loyal and romantic companion... I took her on dates, etc. At first she denied it but then said she needed to feel desired because she reflected on our past problems and indiscretions. She had challenges putting closure to her previous relationships and felt some sense of weird obligation because she never addressed why those relationships didn't work out. She had a moment where she went on a business trip to the city one ex-boyfriend was in... he showed up at her hotel... they went to her room and she expressed she only shared a kiss but couldn't go through with it. I was very upset and in turn... I was ignored, rejected intimately on most occasions for television or sleep... so when another woman offered herself and intimacy to me after nearly a year of frustration... I accepted it. This was many, many years ago but she said she thought of that moment and got upset. The bottom line is it doesn't matter what happened or by who... it matters that it happened. The part that makes it difficult for me is that we talked about our problems... made peace and decided to move forward with our relationship... or at least I thought so. The truth is... she had never really forgiven me despite her indiscretions. If you share any type of intimacy with another man or woman... whether it is a kiss, hug, hand holding, sex or whatever... it is being unfaithful. All of those things should be shared with your mate. When a person goes outside of his or her relationship... it is a representation of the difference in the goals, dreams and desires you both have. Now the big question... can I forgive her? I don't know. Why? Because I meant what I said when I decided to forgive her and believed we were headed down the path of eternal love. Truth is... her actions were intentional, deliberate and without remorse. People always have remorse once they are discovered and realize the consequences of a moment in time compared to his or her relationship. All I tend to think about is the intimacy she shared with this man she met on the internet and knew for three weeks. Can I see my life without her? No... not really... but the truth is... I won't be able to address this for myself while she is in our home or in my presence. Every time I look at her... it hurts... every time I think of her... it hurts... every time she touches me or tries to explain her mistake... it hurts... the only way it will stop hurting is if I have a moment to absorb this... think about it... and decide what is best for us and our children. I truly believe this is the only way. Many people cannot say they have a long term relationship with one person so if you are willing to try... there may be a chance but never let yourself be so blind with love you don't see the signs or become betrayed again...
lostsunsets Posted March 16, 2010 Posted March 16, 2010 Kevin please start your own thread. So we can give you both the attention you deserve.
Bryanp Posted March 17, 2010 Posted March 17, 2010 I feel very sorry for you. She was meeting her lover for 2 and 1/2 years in parking lots to have sex behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's. I do hope both of you have been check since this is essential. Two and a half years is a very long time for her doing this to you. In addition, the fact that you had no idea clearly shows your wife had absolutely no problem lying to your face and becoming a very good liar and cheater. It is fair to assume if the OM was not caught by his wife then your wife would still be cheating on you and had no intention of ever stopping this. I am sorry but it seems that you are the fall back guy. She puts your health at risk for 2 and 1/2 years and there seems to be no consequences for her actions. I don't know how you could possible feel special or proud being married to a spouse who continued cheating on your for 2 and 1/2 years having sex in parking lots and never had any intention of stopping it. How can you look at your anniversaries and your life for the past 2 and 1/2 years knowing she was disrespecting and playing you for a fool. I guess my question to you is after all of this - what is it that you now have? It sounds to me that she could fool anytime she wishes since you had no clue. You deserve better than this.
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