NoIDidn't Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I will never get the rationale of some of the OW on this site. The constant excuses and blameshifting for their own part in the misery they feel after the A is over is frustrating for those of us under no delusions/not in "the fog". I don't think the OW should be telling the guy's W out of revenge, or closure, or whatever other psychobabble excuse you give it. If you can't put yourself in the recipient of this bad news and understand how they will view it after the initial shock has died down, you aren't thinking clearly. They will want to know just what kind of person sneaks around with their spouse for whatever amount of time and then comes to them like some kind of fallen angel that is to be immediately forgiven for their part in this deception only because they told about it - but after the fact, only when it wasn't fun anymore. Only when they didn't get what they wanted out of it. Its petty and childish. Its not closure. Its not healing. Its not necessary. And judging from what the OP said, she must also plan on hurting the BW. Because she only cares that HE gets out to be with someone that makes HIM happy. Sounds like she still hopes its her. And if she thinks for one second that the BW isn't going to hear that in whatever words she chooses, she is greatly mistaken.
Author candoit Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 she must also plan on hurting the BW. Because she only cares that HE gets out to be with someone that makes HIM happy. Sounds like she still hopes its her. And if she thinks for one second that the BW isn't going to hear that in whatever words she chooses' date=' she is greatly mistaken.[/quote'] No i didn't reread my post again , i would want HIM the MM to remain in his miserable marriage , because if he leaves he may have a chance to find some one else and be happy something i am not wishing for him.I no longer want him because i have realised he is no prize , infact i feel sorry for the wife to be married to such a selfish man , i dont think i am the first OW he has had and i dont think i will be the last ..so no thank you i dont want him if he were to be single tomorrow Also take note that I DUMPED MM , if it was up to him I would still be seeing him , my A lasted a total of about 9months , If i still wanted MM in my life I would not have told the wife , I would have just continued seeing him he was infact spending most of his time with me . I went on a date last night with a new man and i am doing my investigations to make sure he is single . meanwhile i wake up to an email from the wife , telling me that her husband had said i was a mistake and that he regreted everything , she was angry at me instead of her husband , her husband told her that i was trying to break up their marriage so i could have him to myself , she believes i went after her husband .... just leaves me to conclude that she deserves a cheating husband
NoIDidn't Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 not really i am hoping he remains unhappily married and miserable , if they break up then it means he can be single and get a chance to be happy with someone else .... No i didn't reread my post again , i would want HIM the MM to remain in his miserable marriage , because if he leaves he may have a chance to find some one else and be happy something i am not wishing for him.I no longer want him because i have realised he is no prize , infact i feel sorry for the wife to be married to such a selfish man , i dont think i am the first OW he has had and i dont think i will be the last ..so no thank you i dont want him if he were to be single tomorrow Okay, I re-read, and I misread it the first time. You don't want him to have the chance to be single and happy with someone else. Sorry, my mistake. Also take note that I DUMPED MM , if it was up to him I would still be seeing him , my A lasted a total of about 9months , If i still wanted MM in my life I would not have told the wife , I would have just continued seeing him he was infact spending most of his time with me . I went on a date last night with a new man and i am doing my investigations to make sure he is single . meanwhile i wake up to an email from the wife , telling me that her husband had said i was a mistake and that he regreted everything , she was angry at me instead of her husband , her husband told her that i was trying to break up their marriage so i could have him to myself , she believes i went after her husband .... just leaves me to conclude that she deserves a cheating husband I disagree with your translation of her email. She basically said that he threw you under the bus. She has every right to be upset with you as you continued on with him for a time, and decided to tell her after the fact. Like most BWs, she is angry at both you, but she is addressing you in that email as her feelings about and towards him are really none of your concern. She doesn't deserve a cheating H any more than you deserved a married boyfriend. The BSs in these cases can't win for trying with the OPs. Honestly. First, they out the affair and when the BS responds negatively, the OP then turns it back on them for having a "cheating spouse". Not for the OP being the one that was helping the spouse cheat. This revenge telling didn't add anything to any healing for you. Now you are just blaming her. When are you going to address your part for staying after finding out that he was married? Its not her fault for having a cheating husband at that point. It was on you to make a better decision than to stay around after finding out that you too were being lied to.
Brokenlady Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 (edited) i wake up to an email from the wife , telling me that her husband had said i was a mistake and that he regreted everything , she was angry at me instead of her husband , her husband told her that i was trying to break up their marriage so i could have him to myself , she believes i went after her husband .... just leaves me to conclude that she deserves a cheating husband See, this is exactly what people were trying to tell you would happen. The BW in my case told me to my face that she hated me simply because it was easier than hating her H. It's easier to blame everything on someone they don't know. But, rest assured, his time for blame is coming. But, as NID said, it's none of your concern at this point. You need to focus on moving on. The MM and the BW can think whatever they want about you and so what? If he continues to lie and she continues to believe it- that's not your concern. It's between them now. And as such, don't bother turning your anger on the BW - she is not your problem - the MM was. Edited March 5, 2010 by Brokenlady
Brokenlady Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 If you have read any of my posts about Mr. Messy and the ow, you would see that not only do I say he is to blame for his part, I say she is to blame for her part. Malice doesn't play either way for me. It isn't about malice for some ow as much as it is a selfishness(as you said not even on ow's radar when in fact it probably should be) or just plain old stupidity for some OW. I agree with you here. And as it isn't about "malice", how is serial murder even remotely comparable? I recognize you don't view the death of trust as anything significant, but some of us do. No, you're wrong. It is significant and shook me to my core when I realized xDm betrayed me. It can feel like death, but it isn't. People heal, and they move on. Dead people can't move on, can't heal. It isn't easily regained especially in the aftermath of gas lighting. Or the death of some one's self esteem. Again, I don't disagree with you here, but I still think the serial murder analogy was the stuff of crowned drama queens. Call it drama if you need to. I know I call some OW on here doing NC, not doing NC, doing NC....drama. So for each of us we view drama quite differently. I'm good with that. I don't need to call it anything, I just think it's a bad analogy designed to manipulate the OP into self-hatred because she was once a mistress.
califnan Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 No i didn't reread my post again , i would want HIM the MM to remain in his miserable marriage , because if he leaves he may have a chance to find some one else and be happy something i am not wishing for him.I no longer want him because i have realised he is no prize , infact i feel sorry for the wife to be married to such a selfish man , i dont think i am the first OW he has had and i dont think i will be the last ..so no thank you i dont want him if he were to be single tomorrow Also take note that I DUMPED MM , if it was up to him I would still be seeing him , my A lasted a total of about 9months , If i still wanted MM in my life I would not have told the wife , I would have just continued seeing him he was infact spending most of his time with me . I went on a date last night with a new man and i am doing my investigations to make sure he is single . meanwhile i wake up to an email from the wife , telling me that her husband had said i was a mistake and that he regreted everything , she was angry at me instead of her husband , her husband told her that i was trying to break up their marriage so i could have him to myself , she believes i went after her husband .... just leaves me to conclude that she deserves a cheating husband I still believe that when there is infidelity in a marriage - it is because of issues within the marriage ... Stay with your closure Candoit .. you are doing a good job ..
bentnotbroken Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I agree with you here. And as it isn't about "malice", how is serial murder even remotely comparable? No, you're wrong. It is significant and shook me to my core when I realized xDm betrayed me. It can feel like death, but it isn't. People heal, and they move on. Dead people can't move on, can't heal. Again, I don't disagree with you here, but I still think the serial murder analogy was the stuff of crowned drama queens. I don't need to call it anything, I just think it's a bad analogy designed to manipulate the OP into self-hatred because she was once a mistress. :lmao::lmao:Now that's rich. I don't design anything to manipulate anyone. It is my belief that the it is a death. And some ow intend for that death to occur, same as the WS. There are at least 2 on this board who have openly said that. I don't know why an OP would hate themselves if they are okay with what they did/are doing. Manipulation is a tool used for those looking for something who don't want to go about it openly. I openly express my opinions. :laugh::laugh:Again, I am good with that.
bentnotbroken Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 No i didn't reread my post again , i would want HIM the MM to remain in his miserable marriage , because if he leaves he may have a chance to find some one else and be happy something i am not wishing for him.I no longer want him because i have realised he is no prize , infact i feel sorry for the wife to be married to such a selfish man , i dont think i am the first OW he has had and i dont think i will be the last ..so no thank you i dont want him if he were to be single tomorrow Also take note that I DUMPED MM , if it was up to him I would still be seeing him , my A lasted a total of about 9months , If i still wanted MM in my life I would not have told the wife , I would have just continued seeing him he was infact spending most of his time with me . I went on a date last night with a new man and i am doing my investigations to make sure he is single . meanwhile i wake up to an email from the wife , telling me that her husband had said i was a mistake and that he regreted everything , she was angry at me instead of her husband , her husband told her that i was trying to break up their marriage so i could have him to myself , she believes i went after her husband .... just leaves me to conclude that she deserves a cheating husband So the WH deserves to be in a miserable marriage and the wife deserves to be cheated on....what do you deserve since you are handing out what people deserve.
Author candoit Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 So the WH deserves to be in a miserable marriage and the wife deserves to be cheated on....what do you deserve since you are handing out what people deserve. as for me as long as i have this selfish man out of my life i think i will be just fine , I feel sorry for the W and the next OW to be
bentnotbroken Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 as for me as long as i have this selfish man out of my life i think i will be just fine , I feel sorry for the W and the next OW to be That didn't' answer the question. And you certainly are well within your right not to. I was just waiting to see what you thought you deserved since the two of them deserve to be miserable in the future.
Author candoit Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 I get all the bit about getting closure, yaddayadda, and maybe you are one of those people that think everything wrong in the world is always someone else's fault, I don't know. But here's what I don't get: Do you seriously, honestly think you've done nothing wrong here, either in the affair or the d-day? Do you really in your heart think you're completely innocent? Are you sorry for nothing? What's done is done, and we all want you to move on to make better decisions and have healthier relationships. I'm not "picking" on you, but I fail to see how you will really heal and learn from your mistakes until you acknowledge your part. Yes i seriously believe that i have done nothing wrong ... why because i was convinced that my married man's marriage was done . I was convinced that even if he didn't leave her for me he was going to leave her anyway. He did a very good job at painting a picture that things had already been over in his marriage , ofcourse i was in love and blind so it was difficult for me to see through the truth . But as time went on and i realised that this was just a man trying to have two women to himself and have his cake and eat it too , I did not go on with the relationship I ended it , painful as it was I dumped MM ..If i had continued the A knowing that this man was just enjoying having two women for himself and cheating on his wife and that their marriage wasn't really over as he had said then perhaps i would be feeling guility but as it is I see myself as a victim ... I was lied to okay
bentnotbroken Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Whatever. I think you'll be in for a rude awakening somewhere down the road. And I say that with absolutely NO disrespect or malice. Good luck to you. Affairs are wrong or the majority wouldn't be conducted in secret, she helped him lie to his wife and the wife deserved to be cheated on because she believed the same liar OP did, yet OP did nothing wrong. :confused:Talk about rewriting history.
ADF Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I dunno. But I am sure of one thing. When men decide not to tell their wives, it is usually for their own sakes, not their wives'.
bentnotbroken Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I dunno. But I am sure of one thing. When men decide not to tell their wives, it is usually for their own sakes, not their wives'. True. Though it isn't exclusive to the men. As evidenced by a few MOW here.
georgia girl Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Yes i seriously believe that i have done nothing wrong ... why because i was convinced that my married man's marriage was done . I was convinced that even if he didn't leave her for me he was going to leave her anyway. He did a very good job at painting a picture that things had already been over in his marriage , ofcourse i was in love and blind so it was difficult for me to see through the truth . But as time went on and i realised that this was just a man trying to have two women to himself and have his cake and eat it too , I did not go on with the relationship I ended it , painful as it was I dumped MM ..If i had continued the A knowing that this man was just enjoying having two women for himself and cheating on his wife and that their marriage wasn't really over as he had said then perhaps i would be feeling guility but as it is I see myself as a victim ... I was lied to okay Okay, so let's take this one step farther. You meet the love of your life, he commits to you and you commit to him. You trust him, you've built an entire life together, etc. And then, he lies to some women and she, knowing that he has a "commitment" in his life but believing that he's telling her the truth and no longer wants the commitment (though he's unwilling to end those commitments), goes ahead and wrecks your world by having an affair with him. She's not to blame, correct? Even though she knew he was committed? Even though you still love him? Basically, your logic means that no one has to stay committed to someone else. If you hit a rough patch, no longer "feel" the relationship, you don't have to END it because you might not find anything better. Instead, you can go out, start a new relationship and no one is ever accountable? This self-justification puts you on a path to horrible heartbreak in your life. If you can't hold yourself accountable, you can never hold anyone else accountable to you. I'm not picking - just trying for some tough love. My best advice? Feel remorse and regret. Then learn from it. You'll end up with a wildly successful and fulfilling life that way.
bittersweet memories Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Yes i seriously believe that i have done nothing wrong ... why because i was convinced that my married man's marriage was done . I was convinced that even if he didn't leave her for me he was going to leave her anyway. He did a very good job at painting a picture that things had already been over in his marriage , ofcourse i was in love and blind so it was difficult for me to see through the truth . But as time went on and i realised that this was just a man trying to have two women to himself and have his cake and eat it too , I did not go on with the relationship I ended it , painful as it was I dumped MM ..If i had continued the A knowing that this man was just enjoying having two women for himself and cheating on his wife and that their marriage wasn't really over as he had said then perhaps i would be feeling guility but as it is I see myself as a victim ... I was lied to okay You are far from being a Victim..give me a break. You still continue the affair after you became aware he was married. So take responsiblity for that.
hoping2heal Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 OP, I get the distinct impression you dumped him as a means of "getting even" much like how you told the wife just to get even. I don't doubt that the MM wasn't doing what you wanted - so you thought you would dump him and that would bother him and get him to give you what you want - when that didn't really happen it really set you off and you needed to further poke a stick into his side. I'm not sure why on earth you are judging his wife and making statements about her deserving a cheating husband. Because she found out about his affair and she didn't leave? How is that any different from you finding out he was married and not leaving him? You seem to be very immature and lacking a lot of insight about yourself and life in general. IMO that is going to hurt you more than the bad relationships you get into and stay in. You might want to give that some thought now and consider doing something about it.
NoIDidn't Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 OP, I get the distinct impression you dumped him as a means of "getting even" much like how you told the wife just to get even. I don't doubt that the MM wasn't doing what you wanted - so you thought you would dump him and that would bother him and get him to give you what you want - when that didn't really happen it really set you off and you needed to further poke a stick into his side. I'm not sure why on earth you are judging his wife and making statements about her deserving a cheating husband. Because she found out about his affair and she didn't leave? How is that any different from you finding out he was married and not leaving him? You seem to be very immature and lacking a lot of insight about yourself and life in general. IMO that is going to hurt you more than the bad relationships you get into and stay in. You might want to give that some thought now and consider doing something about it. Not to continue the piling on the OP too much longer, but I agree with this post. Especially the bolded. No one should go through life blaming everyone else for the outcomes of their decisions/actions. I hope the OP considers this seriously and not as an attack. If LS is going to help this poster, this post is giving her the most help if she is able to receive it.
fooled once Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I agree with the others, I don't see the OP as a victim like she likes to claim. Unless the man is divorced or even legally separated, married is married to me. Many OW believe these lying men when they claim their marriage to be over, only to find out, it never really was. And while some claim you can't promise love, I disagree. I did promise love, twice. The first time, that love didn't last. I am doing everything in my power to nurture and grow the love I promised the 2nd time. I also promised fidelity, honesty and commitment. I think this is one of those things ... how does that saying go "those that can be monogamous, marry; those that can't, don't." I think some like to throw around that they don't believe in something because to do so, it would show they aren't happy with a situation. But if given half the chance, they would jump at the chance to marry the object of their desire. But because that object isn't making any move to end his CURRENT marriage, it is easier to say they don't believe in it .... As someone who has been married, I much prefer it to being single. I would never live with someone without marriage, just not something I believe in. If I am going to be in a committed relationship, I want to be committed all the way. It goes back to what OWoman has said numerous times in several threads in this forum, women have to demand respect from anyone they date. If you are going to settle with being an OW, then you don't get to complain that they are married. If you don't set the tone at the start of the relationship and allow yourself to not be a priority, well...... I also don't believe any OW can be exclusive with a married man, or should I say, I don't believe a single MM is exclusive with JUST the OW. He of course will tell the OW that, but since she isn't in the bedroom of the man and wife, she really has no idea what is going on. She has no idea if they make love, if they hold hands, if they kiss, if they touch, if they show intimacy with each other. She can only go by what is told to her, by the guy she knows has lied. (unless his wife is full aware of his affair).
GreenEyedLady Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 OP: I hope you don't leave the forum due to the few posts I've read. If you want to stay here and make it, it's probably best to not post about your own situation except in PM's. There are alot of posters here who think this is the escape forum, but if you're continuing your affair, there are other posters here like you. I wish you luck in life. GEL
jennie-jennie Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 (edited) Your perception of your affair, or perhaps it was your affair itself, does seem to differ in many ways. I can say I for one think of myself as in an exclusive romantic relationship. Heck, MM and I have even agreed on exclusivity. LOL "Borrow" - that is an interesting way to put it! I will remember that on Dday. Well, for sure when/if I return her husband she is going to get back a very changed and much more experienced man. If she knew her husband had promised to be exclusive to me, I think a lot of stuff in her daily life would suddenly make sense. You are the one being naive, believing that a piece of paper means any difference when it comes to emotions. You can not promise love. I agree with the others, I don't see the OP as a victim like she likes to claim. Unless the man is divorced or even legally separated, married is married to me. Many OW believe these lying men when they claim their marriage to be over, only to find out, it never really was. And while some claim you can't promise love, I disagree. I did promise love, twice. The first time, that love didn't last. I am doing everything in my power to nurture and grow the love I promised the 2nd time. I also promised fidelity, honesty and commitment. I think this is one of those things ... how does that saying go "those that can be monogamous, marry; those that can't, don't." I think some like to throw around that they don't believe in something because to do so, it would show they aren't happy with a situation. But if given half the chance, they would jump at the chance to marry the object of their desire. But because that object isn't making any move to end his CURRENT marriage, it is easier to say they don't believe in it .... As someone who has been married, I much prefer it to being single. I would never live with someone without marriage, just not something I believe in. If I am going to be in a committed relationship, I want to be committed all the way. It goes back to what OWoman has said numerous times in several threads in this forum, women have to demand respect from anyone they date. If you are going to settle with being an OW, then you don't get to complain that they are married. If you don't set the tone at the start of the relationship and allow yourself to not be a priority, well...... I also don't believe any OW can be exclusive with a married man, or should I say, I don't believe a single MM is exclusive with JUST the OW. He of course will tell the OW that, but since she isn't in the bedroom of the man and wife, she really has no idea what is going on. She has no idea if they make love, if they hold hands, if they kiss, if they touch, if they show intimacy with each other. She can only go by what is told to her, by the guy she knows has lied. (unless his wife is full aware of his affair). Once again, FO, I would very much appreciate if you replied to my posts quoting them and using my name, as is the generally accepted way here at LS. It is common courtesy. It is very insulting to be talked about in third person and to repeatedly be called "some". And no, I would never want to marry my MM, because I know how he looks at marriage - as a trap. My MM is so faithful to his word that he would rather have an affair than break it. No way I am putting myself in such a situation by marrying him in the future. I would want him to stay with me out of desire, not out of obligation. A man who stays with you while not having to is worth so much more in my opinion. FO, have you not been reading all the posts I have been reading where WSs state that they are not having sex with their spouses? Sometimes even long after the affair ended. Why is it then so hard to believe that some MM are sexually exclusive with their OW? Just go and look at the Marriage section here on LS, there are a lot of sexless marriages around. I even remember a post of yours where you stated you did not have sex with your now ex husband the last year of your marriage. A lot of married people do not have an existing sex life. Some/Jennie Edited March 7, 2010 by jennie-jennie
Author candoit Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 Thank you jenni jenni and to green eyed lady I just havent been here because i have been so busy with my new man , and to all others you seem so angry at me why ? could it be because your husbands had affairs in the past and now you are taking it out on me anyway non of your comments will make me feel any remorse.I haven't been this happy in a long time and i have already healed. ....and for the record if i am married and my husband is cheating on me whether the OW knows about me or not , I will put all the blame on my husband why because it is him i am married to and not the OW . the husband makes the decision to cheat without him making that decision to cheat they would be no OW . a cheater is a cheater he will keep looking until he finds a willing or naive OW
Author candoit Posted March 7, 2010 Author Posted March 7, 2010 OP, I get the distinct impression you dumped him as a means of "getting even" much like how you told the wife just to get even. I don't doubt that the MM wasn't doing what you wanted - so you thought you would dump him and that would bother him and get him to give you what you want - when that didn't really happen it really set you off and you needed to further poke a stick into his side. spot on hoping to heal MM told me he was going leave his marriage , and he didn't so i decided to get even with him for lying to me by telling his W , my only intention was to ''get even '', I belive i have achieved that and i am having the last laugh ....
Samantha0905 Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I told her last night and belive me i feel so good , i sent her an email .... she replied back asking me for details and i told her all the details , yes she is very hurt , but at least she will see her husband for who he really is Wow. You told. When I first read your post here I didn't realize you did not know he was married until after your relationship had gone on for a while. How did he hide that from you? Was he taking you out on dates in public, etc.? Anyway, that would be so difficult. I can see the tremendous anger one would feel upon that revelation. It would make some people angry enough to walk. I see where people are lashing you for not walking, but I can see where it would be really difficult if you already developed deep feelings for him. It seems like you should have walked, but it's hard to know what I would do given the same situation. I think people never really know what they would do until they are in the situation, even though a lot of people here like to think of themselves as "I would NEVER" types of people. Candoit; You did what you felt you had to do, all of this time .. But be prepared.. He is a cheater and will follow that up with lying to her and probably minimizing - and she may wish to believe him .. At some point, you must be ready to walk away .. Yes. He is definitely in CYA mode now I'm sure. I don't know why some use this sight like vulchers .. Welcome to LS! ha,ha I'm just teasing, but get used to the attacks. GOD IS GOOD .. He is helping me to overcome .. We are all sinners.. Now you'll really get attacked. Heaven forbid a lowly sinner bring up God. People forget we are all sinners. Yes i seriously believe that i have done nothing wrong ... why because i was convinced that my married man's marriage was done . I was convinced that even if he didn't leave her for me he was going to leave her anyway. He did a very good job at painting a picture that things had already been over in his marriage , of course i was in love and blind so it was difficult for me to see through the truth . But as time went on and i realised that this was just a man trying to have two women to himself and have his cake and eat it too , I did not go on with the relationship I ended it , painful as it was I dumped MM ..If i had continued the A knowing that this man was just enjoying having two women for himself and cheating on his wife and that their marriage wasn't really over as he had said then perhaps i would be feeling guility but as it is I see myself as a victim ... I was lied to okay How long was your relationship? Sorry if I missed that point. Thank you jenni jenni and to green eyed lady I just havent been here because i have been so busy with my new man , and to all others you seem so angry at me why ? could it be because your husbands had affairs in the past and now you are taking it out on me anyway non of your comments will make me feel any remorse.I haven't been this happy in a long time and i have already healed. ....and for the record if i am married and my husband is cheating on me whether the OW knows about me or not , I will put all the blame on my husband why because it is him i am married to and not the OW . the husband makes the decision to cheat without him making that decision to cheat they would be no OW . a cheater is a cheater he will keep looking until he finds a willing or naive OW I hope you like this new person you are seeing. I'm glad you found someone. I think everyone here expresses their emotions toward other posters based on what they have been through, are going through, etc. Perspectives are definitely effected by life experience. I suppose it should be that way, but it would be nice if the sword of judgment wasn't brought down so much. I do think the blame for the affair lies with the cheating spouse. I suppose sometimes people feel they are in desperate situations and make wrong choices for how to handle the situation. It's easy to say they should tell their spouse everything about what is making them discontent in the marriage. If you're in a non-intimate situation, it's developed over time. It doesn't suddenly occur. Communication gets worse and worse. My point it, it's easy to sit on the seat of judgment and say, "You should have discussed your issues with your spouse." It's not such an easy thing to do when actually living in the situation. I know life isn't easy, but people make bad choices. I wish I could have worn my integrity garb throughout it all, but I didn't. I mostly hope, candoit, in your own situation you find some happiness. I can certainly understand your anger at XMM. He should have let you know in advance of any physical contact that he was married.
Got it Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 jthorne - I am sorry your apparent relationship with a MM was so lacking. I know mine was never as you describe. It was never just about sex. It was always much more than that. candoit - if you are a in a better place emotionally than I am happy for you. I do not believe in telling the wife and I never have. Her answers and questions need to be directed to MM, the one person that could truly answer them. Revenge is a short lived victory. There is no "getting even" as it can not even out the pain you felt. Living well and being happy is the best "revenge". My thought processes through the highs and lows of our EMR was I went into it with eyes open. I knew he was married and regardless of anything he promised I knew that fact. So there was no revenge, there was no ultimate decieving. I knew that fact and I owned it. To learn, heal, and truly move on you have to own your decisions and feelings.
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