Author candoit Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 The glaring and obvious difference is he knows his W, personally. He is the one who promised to love honor and cherish her specifically, to forsake all others. He owed her fidelity as her husband. The OW here didn't even know about the W until she was already emotionally invested, which I think is qualitatively different than knowing starting a relationship with a MM. exactly if i had met this man and he told me from day one that he was married i would have told him to get lost . Infact even as i thought he was single i didn't like him right away it took a bit of pursing on his part for me to like him ...I just wish he had left me alone , that is where my anger lies , why did he pursue me when he knew he was married , yes i should have walked away after i knew he was married but any Ow can tell u its not that easy , and i know for sure if i didn't tell the wife this mm would have kept comming back he was not going to let me go , now that the wife knows i am hoping i will never hear from him again and hopefully he does not do this to someone else
Author candoit Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 Just hope she isn't hoping MM will leave his wife and be with her. In another thread of hers, this is what she wanted.[/QUOTE] not really i am hoping he remains unhappily married and miserable , if they break up then it means he can be single and get a chance to be happy with someone else ....
bentnotbroken Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 exactly if i had met this man and he told me from day one that he was married i would have told him to get lost . In Fact even as i thought he was single i didn't like him right away it took a bit of pursing on his part for me to like him ...I just wish he had left me alone , that is where my anger lies , why did he pursue me when he knew he was married , yes i should have walked away after i knew he was married but any Ow can tell u its not that easy , and i know for sure if i didn't tell the wife this mm would have kept coming back he was not going to let me go , now that the wife knows i am hoping i will never hear from him again and hopefully he does not do this to someone else If he told you he was a serial killer you fell in love with him, would you stick around? To say you have no control over your actions because your emotions dictate them is a load of baloney. I chose the analogy of serial killer because I believe that anyone who destroys the faith of another kills that person's being in a small way. They no longer trust their judgement. You helped him do this to his wife. Hoping you won't hear from him again is again leaving the control for the proper thing to do to someone else. If you don't want to here from him again, take active steps to prevent this. Just as you should have taken active steps to stop the pursuit in the beginning. And for future reference when someone is pursuing you that you don't like tell them to get the hell away from you or you will call the police. That works for most of us who don't want to be pursued by anyone, married or otherwise.
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 You STILL aren't taking responsibility for your part in this. Plus the amount of time you invested in him isn't that long, you found out the truth, and STILL pursued him. Or he pursued you, you chose to allow him in. not really i am hoping he remains unhappily married and miserable , if they break up then it means he can be single and get a chance to be happy with someone else .... I hope you meant 'she' ? Because if you meant him, then I don't get your post. Makes no sense.
Author candoit Posted March 4, 2010 Author Posted March 4, 2010 I hope you meant 'she' ? Because if you meant him, then I don't get your post. Makes no sense. yes He I dont care about her
califnan Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 yes is its true he will say what ever it is he has to say to her , but one thing for sure is him and i are done , i have had my closure and have already began healing . Continue to do your closure and your healing Candoit ... Don't let others steal your peace - by trying to beat a dead horse..
pureinheart Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 exactly if i had met this man and he told me from day one that he was married i would have told him to get lost . Infact even as i thought he was single i didn't like him right away it took a bit of pursing on his part for me to like him ...I just wish he had left me alone , that is where my anger lies , why did he pursue me when he knew he was married , yes i should have walked away after i knew he was married but any Ow can tell u its not that easy , and i know for sure if i didn't tell the wife this mm would have kept comming back he was not going to let me go , now that the wife knows i am hoping i will never hear from him again and hopefully he does not do this to someone else You go girl...your real, and it is so refreshing to hear such honesty, I wish I could communicate the type of honesty you are able to...I admire you for your courage. No it is not that easy...exDM chased me bigtime, he kind of like stalked me, especially at work...everywhere I was he would turn up. He told me later he would follow me and look for me. It was a relentless persuit...and sure enough a few years later I was vulnerable to it. Hey guess what...we all make mistakes, we all fail, and we all fall short...stand in there and stay as strong as you are.
blue.iris Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I don't know why some use this sight like vulchers .. sight like vultures? site like vultures? I'm not picking on you, just really curious what you're saying here I don't think the other women are like vultures in most cases. And I certainly don't believe they are equally responsible as the married spouse in the cheating process. They are definitely responsible and have a myriad of mental issues, but they're still NOT as EQUALLY responsible. If I was the wife, I would carefully weigh in what the other woman told me and see whether it checks out. I would not have any sympathy for the other woman, especially if I found out she knew he was married. However, I would still want to know the details of the affair and call the husband out on his lies. Even if she takes him back now, she's going to catch him the next time he has an affair. good for you candoit.
califnan Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 sight like vultures? site like vultures? I'm not picking on you, just really curious what you're saying here I don't think the other women are like vultures in most cases. And I certainly don't believe they are equally responsible as the married spouse in the cheating process. They are definitely responsible and have a myriad of mental issues, but they're still NOT as EQUALLY responsible. If I was the wife, I would carefully weigh in what the other woman told me and see whether it checks out. I would not have any sympathy for the other woman, especially if I found out she knew he was married. However, I would still want to know the details of the affair and call the husband out on his lies. Even if she takes him back now, she's going to catch him the next time he has an affair. good for you candoit. ------------------- Blue .. Candoit expressed that she wished closure and healing .. Others continued to use the sight to pounce on her in reinterating over and over her part in the affair .. My comment was directed at those who would continue to pick away at her .. - after she expressed her closure.
bentnotbroken Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 yes He I dont care about her That's more than a little obvious.
blue.iris Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 ------------------- Blue .. Candoit expressed that she wished closure and healing .. Others continued to use the sight to pounce on her in reinterating over and over her part in the affair .. My comment was directed at those who would continue to pick away at her .. - after she expressed her closure. thanks! I agree with you. I guess it's such a topic that brings out strong emotions in everyone.
califnan Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Sorry if I'm a vulture, but my comment was based upon the fact that the OP told the W not necessarily for the benefit of the wife, but because she wanted revenge. But how can it really be revenge if she is culpable as well, and refuses to see that culpability? If revenge equals closure for her, so be it, but I don't see how someone can heal by not recognizing their part. Maybe I am confusing closure with healing here. I think to heal, she will have to recognize her part. Go for it J .. and ignore my remark .. I was just venting because it appeared that some were piling on her - After she expressed closure.. Rather it be with a situation I am going through now ... or something that happened 25 years ago when my husband left me for the OW .. It can take a lot of years for healing (sometimes til the rest of one's life) .. It took me a lot of years to realize that my marriage ended because it didn't have God in it .. (responsibility on both partners) ..
greengoddess Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Go for it J .. and ignore my remark .. I was just venting because it appeared that some were piling on her - After she expressed closure.. Rather it be with a situation I am going through now ... or something that happened 25 years ago when my husband left me for the OW .. It can take a lot of years for healing (sometimes til the rest of one's life) .. It took me a lot of years to realize that my marriage ended because it didn't have God in it .. (responsibility on both partners) .. Aren't you the OW now? How does God see that?
Brokenlady Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 If he told you he was a serial killer you fell in love with him, would you stick around? To say you have no control over your actions because your emotions dictate them is a load of baloney. I chose the analogy of serial killer because I believe that anyone who destroys the faith of another kills that person's being in a small way. . While being betrayed is a terribly life-changing event, it is in NO possible WAY tanatmount to serial murder. That's just dramatic hyperbole. Anyway, I wasn't implying she gets absolved because she didn't know at 1st that he was married. But I think we can all agree it is harder to leave a relationship once strong emotions are invested. And again - what is this idea that she, or any OW, set out to hurt the BW? Do you really think that OW even have the W on their radar? Surely you will argue they should have the W on their radar....but the reality is that rightly or wrongly, OW tend to think of themselves as in an exclusive romantic relationship (because supposedly the M is qualitatively "over"). It continues to astonish me that there is this thought process among soe posters that OW set out maliciously to hurt the BW.
califnan Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Aren't you the OW now? How does God see that? GOD IS GOOD .. He is helping me to overcome .. We are all sinners..
greengoddess Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 GOD IS GOOD .. He is helping me to overcome .. We are all sinners.. To overcome what? Helping you how?
bentnotbroken Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 While being betrayed is a terribly life-changing event, it is in NO possible WAY tanatmount to serial murder. That's just dramatic hyperbole. Anyway, I wasn't implying she gets absolved because she didn't know at 1st that he was married. But I think we can all agree it is harder to leave a relationship once strong emotions are invested. And again - what is this idea that she, or any OW, set out to hurt the BW? Do you really think that OW even have the W on their radar? Surely you will argue they should have the W on their radar....but the reality is that rightly or wrongly, OW tend to think of themselves as in an exclusive romantic relationship (because supposedly the M is qualitatively "over"). It continues to astonish me that there is this thought process among soe posters that OW set out maliciously to hurt the BW. If you have read any of my posts about Mr. Messy and the ow, you would see that not only do I say he is to blame for his part, I say she is to blame for her part. Malice doesn't play either way for me. It isn't about malice for some ow as much as it is a selfishness(as you said not even on ow's radar when in fact it probably should be) or just plain old stupidity for some OW. I recognize you don't view the death of trust as anything significant, but some of us do. It isn't easily regained especially in the aftermath of gas lighting. Or the death of some one's self esteem. Call it drama if you need to. I know I call some OW on here doing NC, not doing NC, doing NC....drama. So for each of us we view drama quite differently. I'm good with that.
bentnotbroken Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 GOD IS GOOD .. He is helping me to overcome .. We are all sinners.. Only if you are walking away from the sin.
fooled once Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 While being betrayed is a terribly life-changing event, it is in NO possible WAY tanatmount to serial murder. That's just dramatic hyperbole. Anyway, I wasn't implying she gets absolved because she didn't know at 1st that he was married. But I think we can all agree it is harder to leave a relationship once strong emotions are invested. And again - what is this idea that she, or any OW, set out to hurt the BW? Do you really think that OW even have the W on their radar? Surely you will argue they should have the W on their radar....but the reality is that rightly or wrongly, OW tend to think of themselves as in an exclusive romantic relationship (because supposedly the M is qualitatively "over"). It continues to astonish me that there is this thought process among soe posters that OW set out maliciously to hurt the BW. BL, there have been many threads over the months about OW who ARE obsessed with the BW, who DO want to hurt her because of whatever justification they can find and who ENJOY knowing they are screwing someone else's spouse -- it has been posted numerous times. And HOW can the OW not have the wife on the radar I mean, if there was no wife, there would be no affair, there would be no secrecy, there would be no quick phone calls, quick stop by's, etc. I have never known an OW to think of themselves in an exclusive romantic relationship including myself when I was in an affair. Of course I knew there was a wife... how could I not?
jennie-jennie Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I have never known an OW to think of themselves in an exclusive romantic relationship including myself when I was in an affair. Of course I knew there was a wife... how could I not? Your perception of your affair, or perhaps it was your affair itself, does seem to differ in many ways. I can say I for one think of myself as in an exclusive romantic relationship. Heck, MM and I have even agreed on exclusivity.
jennie-jennie Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 (edited) I mean absolutely no disrespect, but this is so incredibly naive. How can there be any exculsivity when he is MARRIED to someone else. The OW is typically the person who BORROWS another's husband exculsively. Back to the original thread: what's done is done. While I don't agree that hurting someone simply to make yourself feel better is ever the correct thing to do, I hope everything works out for you and you can get on with your life. LOL "Borrow" - that is an interesting way to put it! I will remember that on Dday. Well, for sure when/if I return her husband she is going to get back a very changed and much more experienced man. If she knew her husband had promised to be exclusive to me, I think a lot of stuff in her daily life would suddenly make sense. You are the one being naive, believing that a piece of paper means any difference when it comes to emotions. You can not promise love. Edited March 5, 2010 by jennie-jennie
bentnotbroken Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 LOL "Borrow" - that is an interesting way to put it! I will remember that on Dday. Well, for sure when/if I return her husband she is going to get back a very changed and much more experienced man. If she knew her husband had promised to be exclusive to me, I think a lot of stuff in her daily life would suddenly make sense. You are the one being naive, believing that a piece of paper means any difference when it comes to emotions. You can not promise love. This so is true. But you can promise fidelity and if you aren't willing to live up to that promise, then you need to leave and try to be faithful to the person you are using to be unfaithful with.
bestplayer Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 While being betrayed is a terribly life-changing event, it is in NO possible WAY tanatmount to serial murder. That's just dramatic hyperbole. Anyway, I wasn't implying she gets absolved because she didn't know at 1st that he was married. But I think we can all agree it is harder to leave a relationship once strong emotions are invested. And again - what is this idea that she, or any OW, set out to hurt the BW? Do you really think that OW even have the W on their radar? Surely you will argue they should have the W on their radar....but the reality is that rightly or wrongly, OW tend to think of themselves as in an exclusive romantic relationship (because supposedly the M is qualitatively "over"). It continues to astonish me that there is this thought process among soe posters that OW set out maliciously to hurt the BW. u r right , OW doesn't do it to maliciously to hurt BW but the problem is what does it matter why she is doing that ? if u kill someone then its killing weather u kill him/her with malice or just becasue someone paid u to do this it will still be a crime .
bestplayer Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 This so is true. But you can promise fidelity and if you aren't willing to live up to that promise, then you need to leave and try to be faithful to the person you are using to be unfaithful with. actually there are some people in this world for whom loyality , integrity & truthfulness means nothing if compared with their desire & intrests because of lack of that they will always be happy & show no remorse about their actions weather good or bad .
bentnotbroken Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 actually there are some people in this world for whom loyality , integrity & truthfulness means nothing if compared with their desire & intrests because of lack of that they will always be happy & show no remorse about their actions weather good or bad . Agreed. I was speaking from the assumption that a person did possess those qualities. I am more than a little aware there are people who feel the way you describe( I was married to one:sick:). I am of the belief system that what you sow in others lives you will reap in your own. If you sow the seeds of fruits of the spirit, those are the same fruits you will harvest. Sow seeds of pain, anger and bitterness....well you get the idea. I am also aware that more than a few people don't prescribe to the way of life.
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