califnan Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I think what she means here is that men that are having their cake and eating it too are usually in A's that the W knows nothing about. The MM no longer has to resent the W for not giving him sex or attention (or whatever it is he's getting from the OW), because he is getting is elsewhere. The relationship may actually be better because there are no longer those resentments. Could be something to that. I think it most likely happens in long term affairs, because the H just resigns himself that the M is what it is, and it's ok because he can get his needs met elsewhere. Just another example of how most MM get more comfortable in their situation and not less, the longer things go. The more comfortable he is cheating, the less likely he is to leave. He stepped outside the marriage to get a need met. He's now getting it met, so why leave? I don't think she meant this in relation to W's who have been told about the A. If the OP really wants to get revenge, the best she can do is to take away his cake. I *think* this was califnan's point... Yes J .. The MM is a happy man .. Continues to have his marriage and all that goes with it .. while an exciting love relationship with another.. Out of guilt he draws closer to his wife .. Is seen walking through the mall holding hands with his wife (by another poster).. And because of his guilt he is nicer to his wife, drawing closer to her .. (if unkowing) wife is happy too.. This is why NC - is a starvation to part of him ..
herenow Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 (edited) Gosh! Then why do so many of those Ms end in D? Aside from a few recovered Ms on here - and those BSs will testify to what hard work was involved in that - most of the BSs here would NOT consider their M to have been improved by the A, or their H to have "drawn closer" to them through the A. I don't know your story and so can't comment on whether you felt turned on by your H having an A or not, but if so, I'm sure you're in a minority here! Agreed 100%!!! IMO, an affair only takes away from the marriage. Usually a MM having an affair is disconnected in some way from his wife and family. He is spending time with an OW that should be spent at home. Instead of dealing with issues about himself and/or his marriage, he is out having an affair. How can that improve a marriage or draw a husband and wife closer? And, yes, repairing a marriage, affair or no affair, is hard work that both the husband and wife must be willing to do. Both have to be able to look deeply at themselves as well as the marriage for true reconciliation. It takes time and a real commitment. It doesn't always work, but when it does, it is well worth it. IMO. As far as telling the wife, I always say go for it. I don't really care what the motive is, I truly believe that the BW should know the truth so her decisions can be based in reality. If the OW gets some sick joy out of hurting the MM or the BW, that is her decision to live with. JMO. Edited March 2, 2010 by herenow
fooled once Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I broke it off with my mm already I figured he was just enjoying his cake and eating it too , but i have not gotten over the anger of him hurting me lying to me and trying to get me pregnant just so i could be his OW for ever ...I just feel the need to get him back by telling his wife , i dont mean to hurt her but just to prove to her husband that he is not a player How can someone - a MAN - try to get a woman pregnant on purpose? Isn't it your body, your ultimate responsibility? Getting back at him because you chose to have an affair with him? How is that his fault? You chose to have the affair, knowing full well he was married. So in THIS scenario, yes, telling the wife is wrong because your motives are wrong. And it would be hurting her. You didn't care about her when you were sleeping with her husband...so why care now?
scatterd Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 (edited) I am wondering why did he want you pregnant to get even with her or to cut off his own nose to spite his face.Does he not have kids I dont get it and why did you agree?You have not gave much info to make much of an opinion. Edited March 3, 2010 by scatterd
pureinheart Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Your best revenge is to let go of him completely and go on with your life. Yep...she is right!
blue.iris Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I know everyone else has said it's best not to tell her. However, I'm going with a different response. If my partner was cheating on me, I would like to know--as simple as that. I think you need to ask yourself the same question, if your partner/husband was cheating on you, would you want the other woman to tell you? There's a big chance that she won't believe you. But if she's smart, she'll weigh your story and question him about him. Then it's up to her to decide where she wants to take her marriage from there.
RedDevil66 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Yes, tell her. I don't practice what I preach since my former ex best friend was a serial cheater and her BF had no clue and she just married him, but when my ex was cheating, the "thing" he was screwing confronted me. She came to tell me she had HIV. I'm glad she came to me since I was able to leave my ex and move on with my life. Had this person no confronted me, I would have been in the dark and today may have had hiv. I'm 99.999% sure my ex contracted it. TELL HER!
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I know everyone else has said it's best not to tell her. However, I'm going with a different response. If my partner was cheating on me, I would like to know--as simple as that. I think you need to ask yourself the same question, if your partner/husband was cheating on you, would you want the other woman to tell you? There's a big chance that she won't believe you. But if she's smart, she'll weigh your story and question him about him. Then it's up to her to decide where she wants to take her marriage from there. Her window of opportunity has passed. IF she were going to tell, she SHOULD HAVE told the minute she found out he was married and lied to her, how he omitted the fact he was married, pretended he was single. Once Candoit found out he was married, and chose (yes CHOSE) to go on, have an affair once knowing the truth, everything changed. Now that the A is over, she NOW feels compelled to get revenge? This has nothing to do with whether or not his wife should or shouldn't know the truth, for her it's pure cruelness and she wants the MM to suffer. She needs to focus on herself, understand why she decided to still be with him once she found out he was married. SHE has to be accountable and responsible for her own choices here and not put it all on him. She should be angry and upset at herself, figure out why she has such little self confidence, self respect to knowingly be with a MM after he LIED to her, led her on from day one.
Author candoit Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 I told her last night and belive me i feel so good , i sent her an email .... she replied back asking me for details and i told her all the details , yes she is very hurt , but at least she will see her husband for who he really is
OWoman Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I told her last night and belive me i feel so good , i sent her an email .... she replied back asking me for details and i told her all the details , yes she is very hurt , but at least she will see her husband for who he really is I hope that feeling carries you through any fall-out.
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I told her last night and belive me i feel so good , i sent her an email .... she replied back asking me for details and i told her all the details , yes she is very hurt , but at least she will see her husband for who he really is And what now? You wait her out, in hopes she'll kick her husband out and you'll snatch him up for yourself? OW is right, be ready for the fallout. You are now going to have drama in your life. OWN YOUR PART IN THIS! I certainly hope you apologized to her for YOUR part in the affair. I hope YOU admitted that you continued the A once you found out he was married. Question, what if she chooses to fix her marriage, forgive her husband. Will you let it go, or will you get involved, try to break them up, mess him up? Good luck, Karma can be nasty..
califnan Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Candoit; You did what you felt you had to do, all of this time .. But be prepared.. He is a cheater and will follow that up with lying to her and probably minimizing - and she may wish to believe him .. At some point, you must be ready to walk away ..
Author candoit Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 yes is its true he will say what ever it is he has to say to her , but one thing for sure is him and i are done , i have had my closure and have already began healing .
Brokenlady Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 (edited) I told her last night and belive me i feel so good , i sent her an email .... she replied back asking me for details and i told her all the details , yes she is very hurt , but at least she will see her husband for who he really is I hope you realize that she's not going to leave him over this - most BW don't, nor will he leave her because it's all out in the open now. Heck, even you continued with him once you realized he was a cheater, so I bet she will too. I'm not sure if you were hoping for that or not, but be confident it isn't going to happen. And be prepared for both of them to turn on you. Be careful. Edited March 3, 2010 by Brokenlady
bentnotbroken Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I told her last night and belive me i feel so good , i sent her an email .... she replied back asking me for details and i told her all the details , yes she is very hurt , but at least she will see her husband for who he really is I can't say that I wish you hadn't done that. I for one am glad you did. But my question is this.....what's so different about who her husband really is and who you are? You both hurt her. You both ignored her feelings or possible outcomes. Did you at least have the courtesy to apologize, of course that is if you are sorry.
bentnotbroken Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 And what now? You wait her out, in hopes she'll kick her husband out and you'll snatch him up for yourself? OW is right, be ready for the fallout. You are now going to have drama in your life. OWN YOUR PART IN THIS! I certainly hope you apologized to her for YOUR part in the affair. I hope YOU admitted that you continued the A once you found out he was married. Question, what if she chooses to fix her marriage, forgive her husband. Will you let it go, or will you get involved, try to break them up, mess him up? Good luck, Karma can be nasty.. :oSorry. Didn't see your post until after I posted.
RedDevil66 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 If my BF was all up inside some other women, I would want to know. Fall out- schall out And when my ex's trash confonted me, I left him and she had him all to herself. I won, not her :-)
Brokenlady Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I can't say that I wish you hadn't done that. I for one am glad you did. But my question is this.....what's so different about who her husband really is and who you are? You both hurt her. You both ignored her feelings or possible outcomes. Did you at least have the courtesy to apologize, of course that is if you are sorry. The glaring and obvious difference is he knows his W, personally. He is the one who promised to love honor and cherish her specifically, to forsake all others. He owed her fidelity as her husband. The OW here didn't even know about the W until she was already emotionally invested, which I think is qualitatively different than knowing starting a relationship with a MM.
whichwayisup Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 Candoit's A with MM was less than 4 months old BEFORE she found out he was married. Then she found out, continued the A for afew more months.. 3-4 months isn't that much time invested in someone. I hope SHE now takes time to figure out why she led herself down this path so it won't happen again. Just hope she isn't hoping MM will leave his wife and be with her. In another thread of hers, this is what she wanted.
bentnotbroken Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 The glaring and obvious difference is he knows his W, personally. He is the one who promised to love honor and cherish her specifically, to forsake all others. He owed her fidelity as her husband. The OW here didn't even know about the W until she was already emotionally invested, which I think is qualitatively different than knowing starting a relationship with a MM. If that thought eases your pain...go for it. It doesn't wash with me or anyone who feels they hurt someone and aren't happy about the pain they cause. She is no different because she like he took the path of lying( by participation) and hurting someone. Her emotional investment doesn't relinquish her culpability in the actions against the wife.
califnan Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 I don't know why some use this sight like vulchers ..
bestplayer Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 I told her last night and belive me i feel so good , i sent her an email .... she replied back asking me for details and i told her all the details , yes she is very hurt , but at least she will see her husband for who he really is I think even if u didn't do this on purpose but there is a great possibility that it will eventually lead to their break-up , it happens , so dont think that its over now
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