Emotional/physical cheating? (Or am I just over-analyzing?)

[nyc_guy]

Hi Everyone,

 

New poster here with an issue I’d appreciate your collective insights on.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for about one year now and love her dearly. We live separately, occasionally spending time at our respective places. We began dating a couple of weeks after she ended her previous relationship of a few months. She was hoping to make this guy her bf but he declined her. In turn she began dating me (a couple of weeks later.) She and I agreed to be exclusive about 1 ½ months later.

 

A couple of months into our relationship something triggered one of those gut feelings. I felt that I needed to ask her if she had stopped seeing this guy immediately after they ‘called it quits.’ She insisted that she did.

 

Here are some things which I discovered over time…

 

First concern – she did not stop seeing him. I recently found out from him (I approached him a couple of weeks ago,) that she and he maintained a purely sexual relationship during the first 1 ½ months of our relationship (she and I had no sexual contact during that time.) During that time we were not exclusive, but she lied to me when I asked her about whether she had stopped seeing him when we began dating. After we were exclusive I saw no immediately obvious signs that they had spent time together.

 

Second concern – in speaking to this guy I also found out that two months into our relationship he had emailed her an invitation to see a band play at a bar. She replied (according to him) that she would like to go but it would be awkward to take me, so she would take a girlfriend instead. As it turned out, she never ended up going due to an unexpected trip that she needed to take. When I asked her about this a couple of weeks ago, she denied having written that reply and insisted that she told him that she did not wish to go at all.

 

 

Third concern – 3 months into our relationship we planned a trip to Florida. In packing, she took two condoms and threw them into her handbag (a small bag with typical female stuff in it.) I had already thrown a bunch in the carry-on. About two weeks after coming back I decide to remove the condoms from her bag (not crazy about the idea of my gf walking around with condoms.) I only found one. The handbag is small and I found it in less than 15 seconds. I asked her about the missing one and she claimed that she already returned it to our ‘draw’ but didn’t see the other one in her bag at the time and thanked me for finding it for her. I was gently chastised to trust her more, though I never accused her of anything.

 

Fourth concern – 6 months into the relationship she and he still maintained contact despite my pleas to remove him from her life. Most of this contact was by email. I felt sure that to some extent he still viewed her sexually and it made me uncomfortable. She said that she didn’t have to drop him from her life but would do it for me. I didn’t want her to think me unreasonable so I said in compromise that she should at least tell me whenever he made contact with her and she agreed to that, though she did not as witnessed a week later by a phone call that I saw her receive from him which she tried to unsuccessfully conceal from me (I saw his name come up on the screen before she casually turned the phone over.) However, after about 7 or 8 months into our relationship I stopped seeing signs of him contacting her at all. Did I spook her to the point that communication took place at work? Did it indeed stop? Dunno.

 

Fifth concern (about one month ago) – we were in a pool hall getting ready to pay and leave. She looks at her phone and rapidly excused herself, claiming that she would put her coat on outside and meet me there. Perhaps I paid quicker than expected because when I got outside I saw her with her phone texting. When she saw me she got a horrified look on her face, quickly dropping the phone in her bag and rummaging through it as though looking for a lost item. I asked her what that was all about and she said that she was responding to one of her clients who happened to send her an email earlier and she was looking for a scarf. Two days later I confront her again and she confessed that it was the guy telling her that he was at a nearby bar. She claimed that she was upset by the message because it sounded like he was looking for a booty call. I was asking myself why he would just materialized out of the blue like that unless something was up. She went on to say that she told him not to contact her again and that his final reply to that was ‘Oh dear,’ which did not sound like a logical last reply. In speaking with the guy about the text exchange he said (and this may have been a slip,) that she told him not to ‘text’ her again. Maybe she was warning him not to slip up like that again when the bf might be around? In that context ‘Oh dear’ makes much more sense.

 

Final concern (a couple of weeks ago) – I return from a 3 day cross-country business trip. I go to our ‘draw’ to grab a condom for my welcome home and where I ‘thought’ there would be two of the same, there was one and another which looked like it could be similar but was certainly not the same. My gut fired that something was wrong, I couldn’t take it anymore and I asked calmly whether she hooked up while I was away. I guess that was the wrong thing to ask. At that point she got stiff and said right away, “If you don’t trust me then I don’t think we can be together…” The conversation shifted to me not trusting her. I ended up feeling guilty and she made me apologize. After that she told me that she would never entertain even the thought of that and would never risk losing me. We made up and I decided to think things over and consider next steps.

 

 

About a week ago he moved out of state to start fresh.

 

 

I do love this girl and I don’t wish to make what could possibly be an unreasonable logical leap. So I ask of your collective logics, guts, intuitions, etc., do you feel that something was going on?

[Bryanp]

I am sorry my friend but it seems so obvious that she is playing you. It also seems quite apparent that she continues to be involved with this ex boyfriend and seems pretty obvious that she is sexually hooking up with him. You continue to see red flags all over the place and you continue to catch her lying to you. If you the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would be so accepting of this disrespect that you have endured?

 

When you involved exclusively with a girlfriend, she should not constantly be involved with her old boyfriend and continuing to lie to you about it. I am sorry but she sounds like quite the cake eater. She likes having you as a boyfriend but also likes having her ex on the side for some variation. There are so many signs like the missing and different condoms and so forth. The killer is that the guy texted her to meet him at a nearby bar when you were out with her and she lied to you about it. The bottom line is that this girl is a player and she is playing you. She clearly cannot be trusted and has no problem lying to your face. Time to move on and find someone who respects you and your relationship. She is toxic to you and you will be hurt down the road. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.

[nyc_guy]

Thanks for taking the time to reply, Bryanp. The interesting thing about the condoms is that I've been wishing so strongly that those were the ones that I left behind that I think I almost believe that they were, honestly. The thing I keep remembering to keep me grounded was my initial reflexive reaction when I first saw the strange one, which was, 'WTF is that?'

 

It's for this type of reason that I need an 'outside-in' viewpoint, to help me make sure my head is screwed on correctly! Thanks again.