single-n-lonely Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Okay, so there's a new guy I am talking to. i am really into him. we are into the same things- from music, movies, ideas, beliefs, everything. we have talked a lot and see eye to eye on a lot of issues in the world. We have great chemistry and are very attracted to each other. The problem is, he just got out of a relationship and im afraid of being a rebound girl. should i still pursue it? he was in a relationship for 4 yrs and 2 months! they have only been apart now for almost 3 weeks. he is someone i have known for a while through friends, but i am only now getting close with him since he is single. I have not had sex with him, but the chemistry is strong and tempting! I dont want to screw this up though. Any advice?
aerogurl87 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Okay, so there's a new guy I am talking to. i am really into him. we are into the same things- from music, movies, ideas, beliefs, everything. we have talked a lot and see eye to eye on a lot of issues in the world. We have great chemistry and are very attracted to each other. The problem is, he just got out of a relationship and im afraid of being a rebound girl. should i still pursue it? he was in a relationship for 4 yrs and 2 months! they have only been apart now for almost 3 weeks. he is someone i have known for a while through friends, but i am only now getting close with him since he is single. I have not had sex with him, but the chemistry is strong and tempting! I dont want to screw this up though. Any advice? There's a 90% chance you'll be a rebound girl. Same thing happened with my recent ex. We were good friends prior to dating (and when I was still with my ex) and then about 2 weeks after my break up, him and I got together. When it started, I didn't see him as being a rebound, but as time progressed I started to notice that although we got along really well, I was kind of using him to get over my ex. So tread carefully is all I have to say.
USMCHokie Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Rebound alert. I was in that guy's shoes way back when, and an opportunity did present itself about a month after the breakup...but I declined...at the time, I was kicking myself in the head wondering why I didn't date the girl, but looking back, it was the second best decision I made last year... The best decision being letting my ex leave me...
alphamale Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 they have only been apart now for almost 3 weeks. run away, don't walk
DustySaltus Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 mcflyyyyyy helllooo mcfly....... textbook rebound scenario, I would move on
Ruby Slippers Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 mcflyyyyyy helllooo mcfly....... textbook rebound scenario, I would move on +1
tigressA Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Run. Away. Now. This very same thing happened to me just last year--I have several threads about it on this site, and the guy had been with his ex for half the time your guy was with his. We clicked so insanely well; it was instant chemistry, he was saying all these deep, romantic things, asked me to be his girlfriend...and then he started having excuses whenever I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He wouldn't return my phone calls...he skipped the class we were in together pretty frequently. If you don't want this to happen to you, end it now. You'll spare yourself a lot of frustration and heartbreak.
Author single-n-lonely Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 Oh no! I can't though. I am infatuated. I wish it was that easy! Im sure there are cases where a situation like this has turned out to be something real good right? What if I just keep him around until more time passes and its less likely rebound? how long should i wait to have sex with him? how long after a relationship has ended is the 'rebound period?'
sagetalk Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 We have great chemistry and are very attracted to each other. The problem is, he just got out of a relationship and im afraid of being a rebound girl. should i still pursue it? Rebound, look out. Three weeks out of a 4 year relationship, man that's fast.
tigressA Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Oh no! I can't though. I am infatuated. I wish it was that easy! Im sure there are cases where a situation like this has turned out to be something real good right? What if I just keep him around until more time passes and its less likely rebound? how long should i wait to have sex with him? how long after a relationship has ended is the 'rebound period?' Really, it's highly unlikely that situations like this turn out to be good. 3 weeks after a FOUR YEAR relationship?! Really, think about that. Four years is a very long time. He's hardly had any time since the breakup to process what's happened and really start healing! Like Sadintexas said, it's much more likely that you'll fall deeper and deeper and you will end up even more heartbroken than you would be if you walked away now. You say you "can't", but you CAN. It's possible. It was incredibly hard for me too, in my situation, but I did. Seriously, the best thing for you to do now is extricate yourself from this situation.
Author single-n-lonely Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 I know you guys are right, but I am following my idiotic heart on this one. i'll be back on to cry for help when he breaks my heart. thanks everyone!
spookie Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 who broke up with whom, and why? i think thats relevent.
fallendisguise Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 If you share great chemistry and have similar ideals and beliefs, then you need to take it slow so that you are not a rebound. Yes at this point you could be. Not to say that he doesn't think you're great, but he'll bring his past feelings into your new relationship and they'll be amplified as a result. So my advice is, great you share all of that, but make him wait sex and make him wait for you to fully invest in him. Spend the next month hanging out, going on dates (NO sex), and get to know each other. Only then will you be able to tell for sure.
Author single-n-lonely Posted March 5, 2010 Author Posted March 5, 2010 FallenDisguise, thanks! That's what i think I'm going to do. It's not easy (i'm horny as a motherf*r! But i know thats the best thing to do, so I will just look at porn by day and hang out with him by night for now
Twenty-ten Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 There is no taking it slow in a situation like this unless you plan on having sex with him a year down the line. He will be gung-ho and great up until you have sex the moment you do he will start thinking straight again and will think with his mind as opposed to his hormones and he will realize how emotionally not ready he is to be with someone else. You said you are listening to your idiotic heart, well stop that and listen to you reasonable mind instead. That same idiotic heart will ache of pain once he dumps you because he realizes he isn't fully over his ex and things will be totally weird between you too. Your best course of action is to simply stay friends for at least another 6 months. Encourage him to date and get his rebound sex with other women then when he is good and ready to open up his heart he can come back to you. He will tell you that he is ready now, but you know what, people are selfish and say things out of sheer egotism.
Author single-n-lonely Posted March 8, 2010 Author Posted March 8, 2010 Twenty-Ten, thank you for your advice. last night we got to making out pretty passionately and i stopped him and told him that i didn't want to be his rebound. he swore up and down that it's not like that and that there is no way in hell he would ever go back to his ex. He said that she is completely out of the picture. its true that he has deleted her phone number and cut all contact with her. he doesnt respond to any of her messages. She is heartbroken, but i think he really has his mind made up. He says she's a crazy bitch. I still havent had sex with him. I told him that i didnt want to start a relationship with him so soon after he got out of one. He understands. We still flirt a lot and call each other a lot on a level that doesnt seem like 'just friends' but I'm not going to let it progress at this time.
tigressA Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 he swore up and down that it's not like that and that there is no way in hell he would ever go back to his ex. He said that she is completely out of the picture. its true that he has deleted her phone number and cut all contact with her. he doesnt respond to any of her messages. She is heartbroken, but i think he really has his mind made up. He says she's a crazy bitch. I still havent had sex with him. I told him that i didnt want to start a relationship with him so soon after he got out of one. He understands. We still flirt a lot and call each other a lot on a level that doesnt seem like 'just friends' but I'm not going to let it progress at this time. The part I bolded there--I feel like that's a flag. Yellow or red, I'm not sure yet. I don't like people who trash-talk their exes. This guy was with his ex for four years, and now she's a "crazy bitch"? He might be protesting too much in order to keep you on the hook. I would advise you to keep your ears pricked for more negative talk, actually any talk at all about his ex. Cutting off contact isn't the only thing that needs to happen in order to get over someone. Otherwise, I think you're doing well in managing the situation, especially holding off on sex. It's great that you're firm with him, stating what you will and will not do under the circumstances. Keep it up.
Author single-n-lonely Posted March 9, 2010 Author Posted March 9, 2010 Thanks tigressA! He said that she became obsessive and wasnt like that before. he said she started to go through his phone to make sure he wasnt talking to girls and getting jealous for no reason. he said he knew he didnt want to be with her for a year but had a hard time letting go because he wanted her to be what she used to be. he thought it was a phase but eventually realized she was changing for the worse. i will definitely keep my ears open for other negative talk though. That is good advice!
tigressA Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 Okay, now that you've elaborated, it sounds better, but still, not liking the "crazy bitch" thing. Anyway--has he volunteered these things about his ex, or have you asked him? If you have asked, I can understand why he would explain things. But if he's talking about her a lot without any prompting from you, clearly he's too far from being over her and their relationship to take things further with you. If you did ask for that info, try not bringing up his ex or asking him questions, and see how much he talks about her. If it's at least every other day, that's a problem, and you should limit your interaction with him even further than you already have.
Author single-n-lonely Posted March 11, 2010 Author Posted March 11, 2010 tigress, I did ask him about it because come on! He JUST broke up with her. so of course i am curious and need to make sure it's really over. But yeah I dont drag it on and on by any means. He only volunteers info about her when i ask. I think he's really trying to keep her out of his life!
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