whysohard Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 hi i just realized that I need to stop being angry at my ex-wife and let her be free, this is a confession of someone who contribute to 99% of the marriage breakup: my marriage has failed because of me and it was all of my own doing, i made my STBXW so miserable since the start of our marriage, we were so young and i didnt know any better then, we didnt have much money either which has added to the pressure on me and the relationship, she was missus cool, she could deal with most pressure in life, i couldn’t, i get irritated easily when I am under pressure or facing a crisis. She has put up with me for so long, the guilt is tearing me apart… In the latter years I tried to work on my problems one by one and I made huge improvements, but by then it was too late, the woman has already fallen out of love with me… we both managed go through university and get professional careers so money wise we were looking good, but our relationship wasn’t When i met my wife she had a very low self esteem (she used to be overweight in high school) she couldn’t speak up for herself and I didn’t know when to stop. I guess I was just lucky that she stayed all those years. Now that she has built up some confidence she left me and found someone else, funny thing is when we got married I don’t think I was in love with her as much as she was??!!! I fell in love with her in the latter years, at the same time she was heading the other way. After she left me i was in shock, I felt I was the victim, I was telling myself that I haven’t committed any of the cliché problems you hear about, never raised my hand, never swore at her, don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t go partying all night, good job, good family. I was wrong though, I was making her miserable by my nagging and irritated attitude, I think that’s the worse thing you can do and it is tantamount to mental torture. I deserve everything that’s happening to me. Now the hard work really begins, how am I going to tackle this problem that plagued my entire life? [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Gunny376 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 If you were to become a student of such? You would find that your situation is atypical. In the beginning of a relationship there's nothing a woman won't do for her a man, and at the end there's nothing a man won't do to keep her from leaving.
aimchase Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 If you were to become a student of such? You would find that your situation is atypical. In the beginning of a relationship there's nothing a woman won't do for her a man, and at the end there's nothing a man won't do to keep her from leaving. Hear hear! I was exactly the same - found the ex overwhelming at the start of our relationship, and took a while to fully commit to her. Did so, then after three years got married (she'd been asking me to marry her for two years but I didn't see the urgency), then she got herself into a rut. No fault of mine, she had plenty of opportunities to get out and involved in things but didn't. Over time she gets distant, just after we'd had our second child and I was ready to support a family for life. I can't stand the woman at the moment. I don't regret having my kids, they're a gift from God. But I do regret pandering to her needs after realising that for the last 18 months, they were nothing but selfish and with little regard for myself.
bestplayer Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 hi i just realized that I need to stop being angry at my ex-wife and let her be free, this is a confession of someone who contribute to 99% of the marriage breakup: my marriage has failed because of me and it was all of my own doing, i made my STBXW so miserable since the start of our marriage, we were so young and i didnt know any better then, we didnt have much money either which has added to the pressure on me and the relationship, she was missus cool, she could deal with most pressure in life, i couldn’t, i get irritated easily when I am under pressure or facing a crisis. She has put up with me for so long, the guilt is tearing me apart… In the latter years I tried to work on my problems one by one and I made huge improvements, but by then it was too late, the woman has already fallen out of love with me… we both managed go through university and get professional careers so money wise we were looking good, but our relationship wasn’t When i met my wife she had a very low self esteem (she used to be overweight in high school) she couldn’t speak up for herself and I didn’t know when to stop. I guess I was just lucky that she stayed all those years. Now that she has built up some confidence she left me and found someone else, funny thing is when we got married I don’t think I was in love with her as much as she was??!!! I fell in love with her in the latter years, at the same time she was heading the other way. After she left me i was in shock, I felt I was the victim, I was telling myself that I haven’t committed any of the cliché problems you hear about, never raised my hand, never swore at her, don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t go partying all night, good job, good family. I was wrong though, I was making her miserable by my nagging and irritated attitude, I think that’s the worse thing you can do and it is tantamount to mental torture. I deserve everything that’s happening to me. Now the hard work really begins, how am I going to tackle this problem that plagued my entire life? [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT] not being angry is something that will greatly benifit u , so i agree with u on that , however i amn't sure if u seriously think that u contributed 99% in ur marriage break-up . U might not want to believe it but her after gaining some confidence , falling for someone else is plain selfish & betrayal & I can never consider being friends with a person who is so selfish. good that u have already moved on . best of luck
LonelyTiger Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 whysohard, I would happily take a bet that you are NOT 99% to blame for the marriage breakup. I'm no expert on relationship break-ups (I've only done this the once - thank god!) but if my own experience is anything to go by, I suspect all rejected partners go through a period of blaming themselves. Sometimes the blame is laid on them by the one who leaves, other times (as in your case) they come to that decision all by themselves as a way of rationalising what's happened. What you're doing is trying to make sense of a confusing, difficult and painful situation. I would recommend you go to a counsellor or a therapist and talk this through. Your emotions are obviously still raw and you are still grieving the loss of your wife and your marriage. It takes two to make a relationship work. It takes communication and a willingness to work together. You're not the one who walked away. From what I've read about your situation I don't think either of you are bad people, or even that either of you are to blame. Sometimes marriages just don't work out, people grow apart or were never compatible in the first place. I don't know the details of your relationship but I'm sure a counsellor or therapist could help you sort all this out.
Author whysohard Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 i think we were too young at the time. all i want now is a clean break, no drama or bitterness, i just want us to go our separate ways peacefully.
PWSX3 Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I agree with Gunny, woman work very hard to please there man, but we don't notice. Then we forget to do the same for them....... We take control of the marriage, try to become the man of the house, but do it in the wrong way. We try & make the decisions instead of asking them or including them & it just snowballs in many different directions from that. It's good that you are seeing what part "you" had in the marriage, what things "you" can change. When I realized how bad I treated my former W I did the same thing, blamed everything on myself, but after you start really separating everything you will find you weren't that much at blame. It's all a process & it takes time but keep working on you & things will start to make since.
tnttim Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 This may be from left field, but do you think because you changed into Mr nice guy she got bored with you? When my W started to drift away I came closer and closer, almost like a dance where she lead. I bent over backwards for her, then one day she was gone, not literally. IMO, I lost all my value as a man. I had no control over my feelings, she did. I didn't act, I reacted. I became boring and unchallengable. We stopped fighting, which I thought was good, but no it's just boring then. I, like many here, have thought long and hard on the cheating issue, and here is my take. Affairs are fun and exciting, being married offers stability and stagnation. When the scales get tipped in favor of fun, and stability no longer holds merit is where an actual affair happens. That's when they will choose a crazy fun life over a boring stable life. That's why throwing family and vows in their face only hurts the M.
Author whysohard Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 This may be from left field, but do you think because you changed into Mr nice guy she got bored with you? i did change radically, we stopped arguing then, my dignity went out of the window, i knew i was losing her, i dont feel like a man anymore, since i have been with her i forgot how to be a man.....
LisaUk Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Whysohard No matter what you did or didn't do in your M, unless it was abuse or an affair, there is no excuse for you wife walking or having an affair. Take it from someone who has blamed themself over and over for nearly a year now. People who have it in them to walk or cheat (and by walk I mean those that leave without warning or trying first), have always had it in them to walk or cheat. It doesn't matter what their "reasons" are or what you did or didn't do, they walked, they left, their problem not yours.
tnttim Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 i did change radically, we stopped arguing then, my dignity went out of the window, i knew i was losing her, i dont feel like a man anymore, since i have been with her i forgot how to be a man..... Okay now is the perfect opprotunity to do that. No time like the present to become a man. I read books about women to become a better man. You want to know some crazy sh*t about women, they love as*holes, but there is a thin line. They love men that challenge their sexuality. They love to be chased and wooed, even after marriage. They want a man that makes other women jealous of them. They want a man that understands their feelings, (even though it's impossible) They want confidence. They want men that at least try to listen to the more than 6,000 words they use a day.
Gunny376 Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 What happen is you lost your 'center' as a man, and what being a man is about? You went from being a self automious male to a supplicating and needy one. It happens to a lot of men that get married. Read the e-book,"Secrets of the AlphaMale" and "The Dating Blackbook" by Carlos Xuma. When you do? You will see where you went wrong ~ when you so much thought you were going right. Where you lost yourself and the true person you are and were meant to be.
br0ken_w0lf Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Okay now is the perfect opprotunity to do that. No time like the present to become a man. I read books about women to become a better man. You want to know some crazy sh*t about women, they love as*holes, but there is a thin line. They love men that challenge their sexuality. They love to be chased and wooed, even after marriage. They want a man that makes other women jealous of them. They want a man that understands their feelings, (even though it's impossible) They want confidence. They want men that at least try to listen to the more than 6,000 words they use a day. tnttim: Can you name some of the books you've read? Your previous post in this thread hit very close to home for me, and I'm interested in which books led you to the above conclusions (because I think you're right on those too).
Gunny376 Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 tnttim: Can you name some of the books you've read? Your previous post in this thread hit very close to home for me, and I'm interested in which books led you to the above conclusions (because I think you're right on those too). I've not read any and all? But I've read most of the 'dating gurus' hard back and e-books. Dating Dynamics, "The Game", "The Mystery Method" even the original Eric Weber "How To Pick Up Girls" and also author of "How To Win The Woman Of Your Dreams"and "How To Win Back The One You Love" Eric Weber & Steven S. Simring, M. D. (ISBN 0-02-624700-3) The best bang for the buck is Carlos Xuma's "Secrets of the Alpha Male" which has very little if anything to do with attracting and keeping a woman in your life. Its about regaining your center as a man. Being a man that women are naturally attracted to. He is also author of the e-book, "The Dating Blackbook" which is about attracting and keeping a woman. It comes down to this? Attraction, either you've got it or you don't for any given individual ~ be they male or female. It is possible through practice and acquiring a skill set to overcome one's initial objection. That's what 'Mystery' did he went to the clubs in Toronto and observed the interaction between men and women. He made note of what worked? And what didn't. Then he came up with a method and refined it., and then refined it again and then refined it again. To look at the guy you would think he couldn't get laid if he had a $1,000,000 cold hard cash. He wears a fury Cat in the hat type hat, paints his fingernails black, wears eyeliner, and dresses all funky. He does this to prove that he can go anywhere in the world and pickup with little effort HB10's (Hot Babe X 10's) ~ and he does. He does because he's entertaining and fun to be with. He's mischievous and yes even mysterious. He's a self taught magician that can make your watch stop, and make metal objects levitate, (with the aid of a very strong magnetic ring he wears) He's never been married, doesn't have children, isn't worried about the mortgage, losing his job, keeping the bills paid, a roof over his family heads, meeting sales quotas, deadlines, commitments, etc In short? He's the prefect OM. Meanwhile your typical married man becomes complacent. Might even let himself go. Is usually stressed about bills, work obligations, the boss being all over his back, the economy, layoffs, the children, generally being stressed for success. He doesn't understand why he's not getting enough sex (to him love) and the wife doesn't understand why she's not getting enough 'love' He might even turn to drinking as ways and means of coping with all this stress. In short? He's no longer any fun anymore. On the show, "Mad About You!" Jamie the wife says, "You used to wine and dine me, send me flowers for no reason at work, cards, sweet nothings for no reason at all! Now that we're married you don't do that anymore? Why?" To which Paul responds? "That's why I got married! So I wouldn't have to do all of that anymore?" People want what other people want, and by definition women want what other women want. There's all kinds of ways to build attraction ~ which I will be careful to divulge here. As without a complete understanding ~ can trip one up. In my own case I got tripped up in trying to be a husband, a father, a provider, a career Marine. I got caught up in the bills, the credit cards, the chores, maintaining the cars, succeeding, getting ahead, climbing up the food chain, etc. The Lance Corporal (one step above a PFC ~ aka Gomer Freaking Pyle) he didn't have anything to worry about but himself, a pocket full of cash and getting into my wife's pants! He used and abused her and as soon as he landed 'Stateside" he was done with her, and went back to his 22 year old high school sweetheart that he just 'happen' to get pregno and who he had to do the "right" thing and marry. The guy she's married to now is about I don't know, seven or eight years younger than she is? He kow-tows to her every wish ~ I didn't! He's DHX3. To me when your in a marriage? There are three distinct enties! YOU! ME! US! Its the "US" that make the decisons!
spriggig Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 No victims, no villains. You were part of a two person relationship, it was, by definition half and half. Deal with any guilt by admitting to yourself that you screwed up your half and do so without defending yourself with rationalizations. The pain will come. Let it. Go through it. Step and repeat. Don't plunge into the details, you can get lost examining the details of acts of betrayal for, literally, the rest of your life. Stay out of the details. Accept by faith that it was 50/50. Stand in the middle and push the regret and anger to the sides. It's where you've both been all along, you'll see. Stand in the middle with her beside you (figuratively, of course), no victims, no villains. Forgive yourself. Forgive her--no victims, no villains.
aimchase Posted March 4, 2010 Posted March 4, 2010 Spot on Gunny. Men get married, they take the responsibility (especially if there's kids) of providing, working hard, getting serious. The wife in the meantime gets bored. They yearn for the excitement that was there in the early days, so they go out for it again. I'm not generalising here, but it's the case with so many failed/struggling marriages.
tnttim Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 1) Stop your divorce: Homer Macdonald 2) Super Sex Power Magnetism: CR James 3) Body Language: Allan Pease The Cr James book should be illegal to own. He, like the other 2 books, change your perspective to how life should be. I also searched the net for any other resources, most want money though.
trippi1432 Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 1) Stop your divorce: Homer Macdonald 2) Super Sex Power Magnetism: CR James 3) Body Language: Allan Pease The Cr James book should be illegal to own. He, like the other 2 books, change your perspective to how life should be. I also searched the net for any other resources, most want money though. Jeez, you still haven't learned it's not about maniupulation, it's about humility and true love......It's about being there for someone whether they want you there or not....it's about understanding...you can't be in the same shoes they are, but you can understand them and what those feelings mean to them.....it's about THEM respecting YOU and YOU repecting THEM for knowing that....it's about knowing when it's time to give them space and walk away whether they know they need it or not and whether it breaks your heart or not...it isn't about you...it's about what they need...space.
tnttim Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 Jeez, you still haven't learned it's not about maniupulation, it's about humility and true love......It's about being there for someone whether they want you there or not....it's about understanding...you can't be in the same shoes they are, but you can understand them and what those feelings mean to them.....it's about THEM respecting YOU and YOU repecting THEM for knowing that....it's about knowing when it's time to give them space and walk away whether they know they need it or not and whether it breaks your heart or not...it isn't about you...it's about what they need...space. Still single?
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