Divorce and custody questions.

[mendsley]

I have been dealing with my wife leaving me 1.5 years ago for another man. We were married about 10 years before she left 1.5 years ago. We are still divorced, we never filed for legal seperation or divorce. I live in Utah, she lives in California. I tried to file for divorce myself and was told by both states I cannot due to the fact my son does not live in Utah so won't touch this and California won't deal with me cause the child has lived in the state for more than 6 months.

 

My problem is this, the mother seems to be going to the bar, clubs, Vegas, parties and whatever else she can do on the weekends while leaving the kids at her sisters house. She is gonna be 37 this year and I just found out yesterday she is seeing one of her 18 year old sons freinds. I am not sure of the age of this new boyfriend, but I am assuming he is close to 18. She makes minimum wage, lives almost in poverty and is not trying to better her situation.

 

I did not feel like I need custody in the past, I always supported her decision to divorce, but never me having sole custody until; Yesterday her, the new guy and the kids were gonna go ride dirtbikes. Well my son was extremely sick and she decided to leave him at her sisters house and go anyways. I dont know if my son needs to go see a doctor, but I feel that is a very poor choice. I know people make mistakes, but this stacked up with her seeing a guy 19 years youger and her partying almost every weekend does not provide a good enviroment for my son.

 

I guess what I am asking is, am I over reacting? Should I start doing this fill bore? Or should I relax and see what else happens? My son is growing up very fast, I want to make sure I make the right choices for him before it is too late.

 

Thanks

[Gunny376]

All things considered? I've made more right choices in my life than wrong. Considering that pre-generational aunts and uncles that I'm one of a handful that made it pass the 7th grade? (Mind you we're talking Great Depression, WWII, Korean War generation)

 

Even more so? I'm one of a handful post generational that graduated high school let alone a college degree.

 

Having the benefit of hindsight? I will always wonder how far I could and would have gone had I had mentor? Someone to sit down and help me with my homework, understand earlier fractions, math, etc.

 

A significant part of being a parent is passing on both formal and informal knowledge, experiences to our children.

 

Yea! You nned to fight like Hell to get sole custody!

[mendsley]

Hey Gunny I am glad you responded, I respect what you have to say. My delima is this, I obiously want my son with me, but will the courts see it that way. They only base decisions on facts that are in the form of proof. I was thinking and wondering if I were a judge what would I need to help me decide the child should live with his father. To be honost the only thing that I can come up with is the fact that she makes minimum wage. Everything else is him vs. her and no court wants to hear that *****.

 

My son will be ten next month and that is old enough for any court to let him decide, so I don't know what I have or can do? He has mentioned he want to live with me and she said she does'nt think that is a good idea, and I am sure that decision have some monetary value to it (child support). So I have lined up some lawyers, with free consultation of course, and we will see what they say.

 

What a freakin mess, mid live crises are a mutha f!#$a. Another thing that is running thru my head is she must be going thru some high in her life, I can't wait to sit back and watch the fall all on her own =)

[tinktronik]

Hey Gunny I am glad you responded, I respect what you have to say. My delima is this, I obiously want my son with me, but will the courts see it that way. They only base decisions on facts that are in the form of proof. I was thinking and wondering if I were a judge what would I need to help me decide the child should live with his father. To be honost the only thing that I can come up with is the fact that she makes minimum wage. Everything else is him vs. her and no court wants to hear that *****.

 

My son will be ten next month and that is old enough for any court to let him decide, so I don't know what I have or can do? He has mentioned he want to live with me and she said she does'nt think that is a good idea, and I am sure that decision have some monetary value to it (child support). So I have lined up some lawyers, with free consultation of course, and we will see what they say.

 

What a freakin mess, mid live crises are a mutha f!#$a. Another thing that is running thru my head is she must be going thru some high in her life, I can't wait to sit back and watch the fall all on her own =)

As a non-custodial parent living in another state California was very helpful in some ways to me. First you have to get your atty and get it in front of a judge. They times where I had a legitimate grievance against my ex's behavior with my children the judge made sure to put in the court records that he was not behaving in the children's best interest. The thing many judges look at is why is a parent living so far away from their children and how much contact is already established. So how often do you see your son?

[mendsley]

Well that is good that Cali was good for you, hopefully I will have the same experience. As for the amount of time I spend with my son, I pick him up every break he has from school. Last year I had him and his brother for the whole summer, his brother is not my child but I treat him as such.

[Gunny376]

In 90 % of child custody cases the mother gets custody of the children 90% of the time.

 

Primarly because the father doesn't contest.

 

In the 10% of the custody cases that the Father does contest?

 

They get custody 90% of the time!

 

Get an attorny and go get your son!

[BearMox]

I have been dealing with my wife leaving me 1.5 years ago for another man. We were married about 10 years before she left 1.5 years ago. We are still divorced, we never filed for legal seperation or divorce. I live in Utah, she lives in California. I tried to file for divorce myself and was told by both states I cannot due to the fact my son does not live in Utah so won't touch this and California won't deal with me cause the child has lived in the state for more than 6 months.

before I give some pointers, I'm assuming:

 

a) you are still married

b) the child was born while you were married with no parentage issues

c) no child custody items have been court ordered

 

Therefore:

 

1) You still have joint custody of the child. You can enforce 50% time with your son right now.

2) You can go for just custody now through the normal custody process or through the process in your divorce.

3) Your divorce and/or custody petition needs to be done in California.

 

My pointers:

1) Move to the same city as your son and get involved more in his life.

2) The burden of proof is on you to show that your sons mother is not putting your child's best interests first.

3) You need to be kind and act in good faith, while being collecting all the facts dispassionately. Try and work with the mother, babysit on weekends rather than the sister.

4) Go the temporary custody route first rather than do it with your divorce, your child's well being is more important.

 

In order for a judge to change the child's current schedule (most of the time with the mother from your statements) you need to focus on solving problems: problems that are harming or endangering your son. A mother willfully endangering or neglecting their child on a regular basis is grounds enough for a full custody change, but you need to provide simple proof of this to get a court ordered change.

 

Your son is deserving of a mother and if she is just making poor decisions in her lifestyle, but not willfully neglecting or endangering the kid it can get sticky.

 

Keep in mind whats best for your son is a healthy joint custody arrangement, where both parents are focused on loving and putting the child first. You son needs his mother to be a good mother -- one that is putting him first. If she can be helped, try to help her. If not, do everything in your power to protect your son!

 

You should get a lawyer and get legal advice as well. If you and your STBXW can agree on things, you'll save alot of money as you can just go to most family courthouses and utilize free help to get forms filled out.

 

I'd go for the save money route and try keep things amicable with the mother and try to get the child to live with me for a while if I were you before dropping cash to get a lawyer on retainer. If amicable didn't work, bringing a bunch of proof on her lifestyle to a meeting with the free mediators at family courts probably gets 95% of issues resolved nicely.

[Gunny376]

Just because you've a vagina does not a good parent make!

 

Since age 6 I've been face to face six times in my life with my "Mother"

[BearMox]

Just because you've a vagina does not a good parent make!

 

Since age 6 I've been face to face six times in my life with my "Mother"

Sorry.

 

The biggest mistake I hear people recounting from their divorces is that they ended up screwing their kids through _not_ figuring out joint custody and letting a parent get near full custody.

 

Just because some parents are happy to give up on their responsibilities, doesn't negate what is best for children.

[tinktronik]

Sorry.

 

The biggest mistake I hear people recounting from their divorces is that they ended up screwing their kids through _not_ figuring out joint custody and letting a parent get near full custody.

 

Just because some parents are happy to give up on their responsibilities, doesn't negate what is best for children.

 

This is absolutely true. Unfortunately there are still a few states that prefer to give primary and secondary custody instead of joint. Joint custody in many, many situations does make the best sense for both the parents and children.

[mendsley]

Thank you all for the responses. I do appreciate everyone's advice and input. There are a few things, first is I do live 550 miles away from my son, which makes joint near impossible. My job does not have any locations close to him so that is not possible. I would say forget this job my son is more important, but I don't know if that is wise in this economy. I am not saying that is out of the question because by far my son is important, but one parent should be able to provide shoes, clothes, vacations, lasting memories and self-esteem builders that for that most part require some type of money. Right now I am that person.

 

You guys have provided some really insightful information for me to evaluate and help me decide what is best for my son. The steps that I have taken so far is; I am going to talk to my personal counselor who specializes in relationship recovery, child phycology and has about 40 years of expertise in basically what I am going thru now. I also am going to talk to my lawyer who can practice here in Utah as well as California to see what he thinks about the case and if I have a chance.

 

I personally feel with my couselors expertise, he can provide some input that would help me decide what would be best for my child. One thing that concerns me is my son is seeing her party and make decisions that frankly are not what the average person should be making at her age and responsibility level. I am not sure if this could happen, but the places she is hanging out only have short term relationship possibilites. She will be going thru men like crazy, she already has three children from three different men, and each one he could be getting attached to and then the relationship they build will be ripped away just as he is getting close. Which in my opinion will create trust and insecurity issues at a later age.

 

I honostly do believe his life with me can be more benificial than that of a revolving door of relationships. The main concern here is my son and how any experience he has is one that will build him into a person that felt loved, and can have lasting relationships with women, trust in people, and know what is right and what is wrong. So can he get that from his current enviroment? That is what i need to determine and base my decision.

Edited March 1, 2010 by mendsley

[Gunny376]

FIGHT FOR CUSTODY!

 

Fight for the sake of your son!

 

Do it not for you!

 

Do it for your son!