Green Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 The more I write about this, the more I feel something is wrong with me Maybe I expect things to go wrong but I don't want them to go wrong. We don't argue about anything else except my insecurities which only come up more just recently. The last thing I want to do is push him away. I am really into this guy but at the same time, I haven't really fully given myself to him cos I don't wanna end up getting hurt. My gf once got all freaked out and insecure but she got over it. Just happens some times, ur bf will calm you down. Let him know.
skydiveaddict Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Oh boy, you insecure really because you cant actually be with him often and he might resent you for it. Maybe this happened to you before where you left a guy that didnt have time for you? Youre always going to be insecure with this guy, theres nothing you can do about it. You already went all in, and as soon as you think youre in control, youre going to be out of control again, because you dont really want to be in control, you want to submit to him to be fully happy. You were always in control before and you never took anyone seriously. I'd bank on that. The only way to get yourself back is to stop seeing him completely, and go back to guys that you have no real feelings for. Hey "boogieboy" , does your mommy know you're on this website? How old are you IRL? 14, 15 maybe? You should really try a "teen" chat room
Citizen Erased Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 My first assumption was that you're not used to being this vulnerable with someone because this guy is different, you want something more from him than you did with the others. This would hurt if it ends badly and you're trying to protect yourself more than you did with the other guys you've been with. You trust him but you don't trust others. I read that all the time on here and it always makes me cringe. We're told always that relationships can only survive if there's trust and that's bull because it's something that can be earnt, not something that is there automatically. It's been 5 months, to some it takes longer to trust fully the person they're with. I know, I get it. I was at one stage like this with my ex...he'd go out without me and it would kill me, I'd imagine all these awful things and it hurt. And of course nothing happened but I'd be in an awful mood and take it out on him when I saw him...we'd fight, rinse and repeat. But of course I changed, I realised that nothing he could do was worse than what I was doing to myself. You're a very strong person Leia, you've gone through so much and you're still feisty and amazing and I have a lot of time for you. You can survive any eventual thing that could maybe possibly (not likely from what you've described of him) happen on his end. Quit being afraid.
Author Leia Posted March 2, 2010 Author Posted March 2, 2010 My first assumption was that you're not used to being this vulnerable with someone because this guy is different, you want something more from him than you did with the others. This would hurt if it ends badly and you're trying to protect yourself more than you did with the other guys you've been with. As you know more than others, you are right in that this guy is different. Totally different. Every part of the above is true. You trust him but you don't trust others. I read that all the time on here and it always makes me cringe. We're told always that relationships can only survive if there's trust and that's bull because it's something that can be earnt, not something that is there automatically. It's been 5 months, to some it takes longer to trust fully the person they're with. I know, I get it. I was at one stage like this with my ex...he'd go out without me and it would kill me, I'd imagine all these awful things and it hurt. And of course nothing happened but I'd be in an awful mood and take it out on him when I saw him...we'd fight, rinse and repeat. He has shown me that he can be trusted so why is it that I find myself thinking that he could be doing something behind my back? I really don't like the girls from his university . He is really confident of himself and of me, he knows guys come up to me but it doesn't bother him, he says cos he knows nothing will happen. Why can't I feel the same way? But of course I changed, I realised that nothing he could do was worse than what I was doing to myself. You're a very strong person Leia, you've gone through so much and you're still feisty and amazing and I have a lot of time for you. You can survive any eventual thing that could maybe possibly (not likely from what you've described of him) happen on his end. Quit being afraid. :love: Thanks CE. I hope I can survive. As you know me, I'm not the typical mushy, sweet type and this is all quite new to me. I want to quit being afraid ... just don't know where to start?
threebyfate Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I hesitate to post this, since CE knows you well. And yet, from my own personal experience, whenever I've felt warning bells, there's usually a reason why I don't trust someone. Sooner or later, the reason rears its nasty head. Also, when you don't trust someone, they can usually sense it. It's a slippery slope to expect them to prove themselves, since they never can, so the relationship power is imbalanced. I don't think this happens intentionally, more on a subconscious self-protection level. But one thing's for certain, it's not a good feeling. So Leia, you have to decide why you don't trust him. In this, I have to agree with CE, that not trusting the other person, isn't an accurate way to describe it. No one can make anyone cheat. The person will cheat or they won't.
marlena Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Leia, if this guy is giving you reason to mistrust him, then, you need to heed the warning signs and pull out now before he hurts you. Like TBF, whenever I did not go along with my gut instincts, I paid a heavy price. On the other hand, if this is your own insecurity and fears talking, then, you have to stop this poison in its tracks before it corrodes your relationship. One way is to convince yourself that you have to give him the benefit of the doubt, believe that he is innocent until proven guilty and stick to it. Determine that this will be your course of action and that you will not allow your imagination to run away with you. You will, in a sense, force yourself to trust him by adopting a more logical stance based on facts and not made up scenarios that consist of "what ifs"... Try to live in today and let the future worry about itself. The difficult part is figuring out which of the two it is. Dig deeply and honestly within yourself and you should be able to find the answer.
counterman Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I agree with Marlena about giving him the benefit of the doubt. I know you are a cool chick, Leia - maybe it is as simple as shrugging it off and saying "that's cool" to yourself. It is what I do when things start to bother me, when it is really unnecessary. In my last relationship, I didn't like the guy friends of my girlfriend. They were handsy with her and I didn't enjoy it when they tried to get physical in front of me. One thing that she let slip was when she said "I had to give up my guy friends for you - I mean, not give up, because they meant nothing to me anyways". Anyways, I sought out advice and I trusted her. But, time and time again she would convinced me to falter in my trust with her actions. Was it just me being insecure? No. Look who she ended up with. Your boyfriend seems to have a lot of character. The other girls will never get to him. Everything else, as you said, is fine. You are probably feeling more vulnerable because you haven't felt this way about someone else before. I hope my dull mood hasn't been the cause of this for you.
Author Leia Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 Warning bells don't go off often between me and him. Whenever there is, it is usually me being insecure. That's how I see it. Even when I don't hear the *cling cling*, I make the *cling cling* up, just to prove to myself that I am right! That is insane, I know. Self-destructing. Yesterday we had another talk. I can sense that he is getting tired of it and I feel bad. It's like I'm the one that keeps bringing this **** up, which I am. The only flaw of his that I can think of right now is that whenever he snaps, he acts as if nothing happened after that. Not that I expect an apology cos I can be quite snappy at times but it's ... like wtf? Also, when you don't trust someone, they can usually sense it. It's a slippery slope to expect them to prove themselves, since they never can, so the relationship power is imbalanced. I don't think this happens intentionally, more on a subconscious self-protection level. But one thing's for certain, it's not a good feeling. Self-protection, that's right. It isn't a good feeling and I want it to go awaaayyyyy!!! Gah! So Leia, you have to decide why you don't trust him. In this, I have to agree with CE, that not trusting the other person, isn't an accurate way to describe it. No one can make anyone cheat. The person will cheat or they won't. After the talk we had, I went for a walk. I walked through day one until this very day. I realised that I've been feeling edgy or rather insecure since he started staying on campus. I'm not clingy, never was but I got used to seeing him every day when he was living next door so when he moved, it sorta changed everything. I agree with everything else you said. Leia, if this guy is giving you reason to mistrust him, then, you need to heed the warning signs and pull out now before he hurts you. Like TBF, whenever I did not go along with my gut instincts, I paid a heavy price. I've done that before, pulling out when something didn't feel right so I don't have a problem doing it again. Thanks marlena. I suppose I have to give the benefit of the doubt, like you and counterman suggested. My imagination is pretty wild and sick sometimes You will, in a sense, force yourself to trust him by adopting a more logical stance based on facts and not made up scenarios that consist of "what ifs"... Try to live in today and let the future worry about itself. I'm good at making up "what ifs" Usually negative what-ifs. Not good, I know. Can't help it sometimes. I know I need help See, just writing that out makes me feel psychotic. I feel so messed up and I pity him.
Author Leia Posted March 3, 2010 Author Posted March 3, 2010 In my last relationship, I didn't like the guy friends of my girlfriend. They were handsy with her and I didn't enjoy it when they tried to get physical in front of me. One thing that she let slip was when she said "I had to give up my guy friends for you - I mean, not give up, because they meant nothing to me anyways". Anyways, I sought out advice and I trusted her. But, time and time again she would convinced me to falter in my trust with her actions. Was it just me being insecure? No. Look who she ended up with. That's rude! This reminds me of a small gathering I attended with my best friend last weekend while boyfriend was away. She introduced me to some of the guys there and a few others there were our mutual friends so they all know I am seeing someone. My best friend is the type when she introduces me to guys, she would warn them to keep their hands off me, which is a good thing. So came this guy, who owns a production house and was telling me about his upcoming project. Long story short [we met before at a open house a few weeks ago], he came onto me ~ again. I asked him which part of I have a boyfriend didn't he understand? He said it's only been 5 months, it's not really a relationships He proceeded to ask me out and said I should give him a try. I told him no. Then again, he said stupid, nasty stuff and that was it. I went ballistic and told him to f*** off. I know there are disrespectful people out there and I keep imagining the girls doing the same thing to my boyfriend. I know deep inside he would tell them no firmly too but I can't help thinking how nice it would be to rip those girls' head off Your boyfriend seems to have a lot of character. The other girls will never get to him. Everything else, as you said, is fine. He does! I know most of his tight buddies and they have nothing but good things to say about him, that whenever they go out together ... my boyfriend talks about me and stuff. You are probably feeling more vulnerable because you haven't felt this way about someone else before. I hope my dull mood hasn't been the cause of this for you. That's where you and CE are right .... :love: Haha, never. From all the PMs we've exchanged, it's good to know that I can get an honest opinion from another guy!
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