I Want ME Back!

[Leia]

This has been going on for a month or so, off and on. It's mostly my fault.

 

Last weekend, my boyfriend went on a trip with his uni-mates. Girls and guys, of course. I was never the type to really give a crap about trips like this or even when a boyfriend of mine meets another girl, I would be totally alright with it. But with my current boyfriend, I have become this insecure lil b!tch. It is so NOT me.

 

So this morning, he texted me to let me know he is back from the trip. I told him great and to have a nice day.

 

Long story short, we got into an argument where he said I'm this and that and I should get a grip of myself. Later, he called to apologise and said he wants to be with me, the girl that he loves. He wants to start a new page, a clean white sheet.

 

I want to work this out but I told him I need some alone time to think things over. I do need to get ME back cos I hate being this insecure lil girl [this is very hard for me to admit, even to myself!]. I have been in relationships but nothing as serious as this one or at least, for me it is.

 

What I'm trying to say is that I want that control back. Not to control him but me. I want that cool girl I used to be. I was so confident of myself before. I don't know what happened to me. This attitude I have right now, it drives me crazy!

 

I don't know what to do

 

Damn, I sound like a loser!

[Taramere]

This has been going on for a month or so, off and on. It's mostly my fault.

 

Last weekend, my boyfriend went on a trip with his uni-mates. Girls and guys, of course. I was never the type to really give a crap about trips like this or even when a boyfriend of mine meets another girl, I would be totally alright with it. But with my current boyfriend, I have become this insecure lil b!tch. It is so NOT me.

 

So this morning, he texted me to let me know he is back from the trip. I told him great and to have a nice day.

 

Long story short, we got into an argument where he said I'm this and that and I should get a grip of myself. Later, he called to apologise and said he wants to be with me, the girl that he loves. He wants to start a new page, a clean white sheet.

 

I want to work this out but I told him I need some alone time to think things over. I do need to get ME back cos I hate being this insecure lil girl [this is very hard for me to admit, even to myself!]. I have been in relationships but nothing as serious as this one or at least, for me it is.

 

What I'm trying to say is that I want that control back. Not to control him but me. I want that cool girl I used to be. I was so confident of myself before. I don't know what happened to me. This attitude I have right now, it drives me crazy!

 

I don't know what to do

 

Damn, I sound like a loser!

 

No you don't sound like a loser, Leia. It sounds as though you love him. Insecurity is fear of losing something or someone you love...and for all people sneer at it on sites like this, I think it's human nature to feel it at times.

 

But of course you have to learn to master it, and not allow it to start infecting your life and spoiling your potential for happiness. I think you were faced with a fairly difficult test here. One's partner going off in a mixed gathering for several days is something that I think would test most people's capacity for feeling secure against the odds. I think that's something your bf could perhaps show demonstrate some acknowledgement of, rather than feeding into your fear that you're somehow flawed for having felt uneasy about that situation.

 

Do you feel that you behaved unreasonably? If you reacted with a disproportionate amount of anger and emotion, then perhaps it would be justifiable for him to say "get a grip". Are there other things going on that maybe resulted in you being less in control, emotionally, than you would normally be?

[Kamille]

No, you don't sound like a loser. All couples go through periods of adjustments and it sounds like this is one of them for you guys.

 

From what you describe, I wonder if the insecurity you feel is caused by the natural evolution of your relationship. How long have you been together?

 

Are you shifting from the excitement of getting to know each other to feeling like you have no secrets for each other? This could be unsettling because then you might wonder what he still sees in you.

 

Perhaps a way to get the mojo back is to ramp up the romance? Buy sexy lingerie, take him out on an adventure date, just generally get out of your usual couple's routine.

[Leia]

No you don't sound like a loser, Leia. It sounds as though you love him. Insecurity is fear of losing something or someone you love...and for all people sneer at it on sites like this, I think it's human nature to feel it at times.

 

But of course you have to learn to master it, and not allow it to start infecting your life and spoiling your potential for happiness. I think you were faced with a fairly difficult test here. One's partner going off in a mixed gathering for several days is something that I think would test most people's capacity for feeling secure against the odds. I think that's something your bf could perhaps show demonstrate some acknowledgement of, rather than feeding into your fear that you're somehow flawed for having felt uneasy about that situation.

 

Do you feel that you behaved unreasonably? If you reacted with a disproportionate amount of anger and emotion, then perhaps it would be justifiable for him to say "get a grip". Are there other things going on that maybe resulted in you being less in control, emotionally, than you would normally be?

 

Thanks Taramere. I do love him. In fact, this is the only guy that said I love you to me and I didn't hesitate to say it back to him and that says a lot about me and how I view relationships before this one.

 

Taramere, as much I do not want to admit this ... IT IS affecting my life and happiness. We've been through this for a while now. But I did tell him from the beginning that I have trust issue and I am slowly getting over it.

 

Here's the thing, I do trust him. I trust that he will not cheat on me BUT at the same time, he knows it annoys me and yet he loves to tease me about how jealous I can get. He doesn't have a lot of friends in his university and is now slowly making friends. He's very good looking and he's the type of a guy, local girls would go for [he's not local] so that's another thing that is bothering me. It's more the girls, than my boyfriend. I've been to his university and he asked me to go over again whenever I am free. This is just to tell you a bit more about the situation

 

There may have been a couple of times where I displayed a not so pretty behaviour over the phone. I somehow snapped at him and that was when he said I needed to get a grip of myself and stop acting childish.

 

Other than being played before a couple of times, I don't have any other issue. He is very well liked both by guys and girls but that is a good thing, right? He is a charismatic person so it's only natural for people to gravitate toward him. I get all that and yet, I feel insecure.

[Leia]

No, you don't sound like a loser. All couples go through periods of adjustments and it sounds like this is one of them for you guys.

 

From what you describe, I wonder if the insecurity you feel is caused by the natural evolution of your relationship. How long have you been together?

 

Are you shifting from the excitement of getting to know each other to feeling like you have no secrets for each other? This could be unsettling because then you might wonder what he still sees in you.

 

Perhaps a way to get the mojo back is to ramp up the romance? Buy sexy lingerie, take him out on an adventure date, just generally get out of your usual couple's routine.

 

Thanks Kamille.

 

We're close to 5 months now. We are both in our mid-twenties, he's a year younger. From our past relationships, we have been open about what went wrong and how we didn't want the same things to happen. To say that we have no more secrets would be correct although I would like to believe there is more to be explored. We didn't have the honeymoon stage where others went through.

 

We are both PhD students and very busy at the moment I haven't seen him since we came back from a conference and that was almost 2 weeks ago. This week, I have a lot going on and we wouldn't have time to meet up. It would be good to go on a date but we really can't this week and if everything goes well, I'm off to Cambodia for a week or two on Friday.

[boogieboy]

Oh boy, you insecure really because you cant actually be with him often and he might resent you for it. Maybe this happened to you before where you left a guy that didnt have time for you?

 

Youre always going to be insecure with this guy, theres nothing you can do about it. You already went all in, and as soon as you think youre in control, youre going to be out of control again, because you dont really want to be in control, you want to submit to him to be fully happy. You were always in control before and you never took anyone seriously. I'd bank on that.

 

The only way to get yourself back is to stop seeing him completely, and go back to guys that you have no real feelings for.

[Leia]

Oh boy, you insecure really because you cant actually be with him often and he might resent you for it. Maybe this happened to you before where you left a guy that didnt have time for you?

 

Youre always going to be insecure with this guy, theres nothing you can do about it. You already went all in, and as soon as you think youre in control, youre going to be out of control again, because you dont really want to be in control, you want to submit to him to be fully happy. You were always in control before and you never took anyone seriously. I'd bank on that.

 

The only way to get yourself back is to stop seeing him completely, and go back to guys that you have no real feelings for.

 

Errmmm the guys I was really into turned out to be cheaters so yea, you can say I had no real feelings for cheaters

 

Thanks for trying to help.

[Ariadne]

Leia,

 

Reading your OP, I believe that you've been shaken lately with difficult situations that have made you a little scared.

 

I think it's normal that you need extra affection. Not sure if taking a break from your bf is the best idea.

[Green]

I would never let my gf go on some trip with guys with out me. Tell him how nice it would be if he didn't go out and hang with women.

[Leia]

Leia,

 

Reading your OP, I believe that you've been shaken lately with difficult situations that have made you a little scared.

 

I think it's normal that you need extra affection. Not sure if taking a break from your bf is the best idea.

 

Ariadne, thanks.

 

You know, I've been thinking about that and it has taken a toll on me with what I have gone through. Losing my aunt and then, my cousin. I feel like part of me was taken away as well. So it could be with what happened, I'm feeling insecure. That could be a possibility.

[Ariadne]

Ariadne, thanks.

 

You know, I've been thinking about that and it has taken a toll on me with what I have gone through. Losing my aunt and then, my cousin. I feel like part of me was taken away as well. So it could be with what happened, I'm feeling insecure. That could be a possibility.

 

Yes, plus you've been having these medical scares.

 

I think you need a hug or something.

 

Take it easy and hope things get better.

[Leia]

Yes, plus you've been having these medical scares.

 

I think you need a hug or something.

 

Take it easy and hope things get better.

 

Speaking of that, I was told that when I am feeling stressed, the ulcer will come back and what do you know? It is back

 

Thanks. I hope so too.

[Leia]

I would never let my gf go on some trip with guys with out me. Tell him how nice it would be if he didn't go out and hang with women.

 

I never had issues on that and come to think of it, I don't have an issue with him going on a trip with a bunch of people. It was his uni trip, and I'm not part of his uni. He's been under a lot of stress and it was a good opportunity for him to take a break and it was a long weekend here so whatever.

 

I may have over-reacted and I want to avoid over-reacting if anything comes up. I talked to my best guy friend and he said he doesn't remember me being this insecure. He said I was always so calm and collected.

[Taramere]

Thanks Taramere. I do love him. In fact, this is the only guy that said I love you to me and I didn't hesitate to say it back to him and that says a lot about me and how I view relationships before this one.

 

Taramere, as much I do not want to admit this ... IT IS affecting my life and happiness. We've been through this for a while now. But I did tell him from the beginning that I have trust issue and I am slowly getting over it.

 

Here's the thing, I do trust him. I trust that he will not cheat on me BUT at the same time, he knows it annoys me and yet he loves to tease me about how jealous I can get. He doesn't have a lot of friends in his university and is now slowly making friends. He's very good looking and he's the type of a guy, local girls would go for [he's not local] so that's another thing that is bothering me. It's more the girls, than my boyfriend. I've been to his university and he asked me to go over again whenever I am free. This is just to tell you a bit more about the situation

 

There may have been a couple of times where I displayed a not so pretty behaviour over the phone. I somehow snapped at him and that was when he said I needed to get a grip of myself and stop acting childish.

 

Other than being played before a couple of times, I don't have any other issue. He is very well liked both by guys and girls but that is a good thing, right? He is a charismatic person so it's only natural for people to gravitate toward him. I get all that and yet, I feel insecure.

 

I would have thought the normal thing would be for him to take you along on a trip like that (unless you're not able to go). I don't know...I just feel for you here. It can be quite hard work trusting people - especially if you've already been cheated on.

 

It doesn't, obviously, mean you have the right to say "you can't go on that trip...I forbid it" (which I'm absolutely certain you wouldn't do in any event). But do you have the right to feel hacked off about it? Absolutely, in my opinion. It's normal to be pretty wary about a situation like that. The difficulty might be that you can't really talk to him about that, without him accusing you of jealousy, unreasonable insecurity etc. There are never any guarantees about other people's trustworthiness. If it's proving to be really hard work to trust someone, and if they're continually presenting you with situations that make it even harder....well, I think something gives eventually. Being a bit insecure about a situation is not a crime, and neither is snapping at someone over the phone.

 

I think you should be less hard on yourself about the way you're feeling right now. I bet you anything there are many women out there who would be far less reasonable about the "going away in a mixed group" situation...and who wouldn't have any qualms about going off on one about it. Doesn't mean you have to, of course, but I just don't think you should allow anything or anyone to make you feel that you're being uncool about all this.

[EYECANDY000]

Have he gave you any indications that he has been conversing with other women?

[marlena]

Leia, my sweet girl,

 

You need to get to the root of the problem. By that, I mean you need to take a good, honest look at yourself and your relationship and try to uncover the reasons for your insecurity. Once you have figured out WHY you are feeling this way when you normally don't, you'll be able to address the problem and fix it.

 

Do you think your anxiety is groundless or has he given you good reason to feel the way you do?

[Ariadne]

Speaking of that, I was told that when I am feeling stressed, the ulcer will come back and what do you know? It is back

 

Thanks. I hope so too.

 

Yeah, that's bad.

 

I'd say have a cup of almond tea and make up with the bf.

[Leia]

I would have thought the normal thing would be for him to take you along on a trip like that (unless you're not able to go). I don't know...I just feel for you here. It can be quite hard work trusting people - especially if you've already been cheated on.

 

I couldn't go even if he or I wanted to as it is organised by his university. It was a long weekend and for some of them that didn't want to go back to their hometown, they went on the trip. He's the oldest in the group so if anything, most of the students [probably around 18 - 22] look up to him as the oldest around and the only one they [the guys that invited him] know that is a PhD student.

 

It's hard work but I think it is more of MY thing, ya know? It's something that I have to work on and I feel that with all the arguments that we got into, they were all my fault and no, he doesn't make me feel this way but I do. Does that make sense?

 

It doesn't, obviously, mean you have the right to say "you can't go on that trip...I forbid it" (which I'm absolutely certain you wouldn't do in any event). But do you have the right to feel hacked off about it? Absolutely, in my opinion. It's normal to be pretty wary about a situation like that. The difficulty might be that you can't really talk to him about that, without him accusing you of jealousy, unreasonable insecurity etc. There are never any guarantees about other people's trustworthiness. If it's proving to be really hard work to trust someone, and if they're continually presenting you with situations that make it even harder....well, I think something gives eventually. Being a bit insecure about a situation is not a crime, and neither is snapping at someone over the phone.

 

I would love to say "I forbid you!" but yea, it's not something I would actually say. When I think about how lonely he is over there, I feel sad and guilty for not wanting him to go ahead and hang out with anyone there. I know for a fact that I would go ballistic if he told me I am not allowed to go out with anyone or do something.

 

I think you should be less hard on yourself about the way you're feeling right now. I bet you anything there are many women out there who would be far less reasonable about the "going away in a mixed group" situation...and who wouldn't have any qualms about going off on one about it. Doesn't mean you have to, of course, but I just don't think you should allow anything or anyone to make you feel that you're being uncool about all this.

 

I am trying to be. We had another argument just now and I'm up right now cos I can't sleep.

 

He says all the right things and I know he meant every word. I trust him but I don't know how I feel about the girls around him. They are young and you know how some girls are ... the more they know one is taken, the more they want to try and get his attention.

 

I don't want to control him. I've never controlled any guy and if I tried, I would feel so stupid but I do want ME back. The way I used to be. I think that's what is bugging me the most, this insecurity and vulnerability.

[threebyfate]

Leia, people say a lot of things, things to appeal. Do all his actions and words mesh?

[Leia]

Have he gave you any indications that he has been conversing with other women?

 

Whenever something happens, he'll let me know. Even when a girl comes up to him to make conversation with him. There was this one girl that went up to him to show him the bruises she got from falling off a motorcycle. He told me that was weird that she showed him the bruise and thought she probably showed it to all the guys. I went WTF? I don't go around showing off my bruises to other guys

 

Other than that, I know he talks to other girls cos come on, I can't expect him NOT to talk to anyone. I talk to other guys and I know my limits but the guys I talk to, some of them go way overboard with the things they say and this is even after I told them I have a boyfriend! So it makes me feel as if the girls from his university are just like the guys I talk to.

 

Leia, my sweet girl,

 

You need to get to the root of the problem. By that, I mean you need to take a good, honest look at yourself and your relationship and try to uncover the reasons for your insecurity. Once you have figured out WHY you are feeling this way when you normally don't, you'll be able to address the problem and fix it.

 

Do you think your anxiety is groundless or has he given you good reason to feel the way you do?

 

After several comments from you guys, I thought about this. Whenever I get into a new relationship, I think about how I was cheated on. I try hard not to think about it and it will help me say about a few weeks or months and then, I get back to feeling as if I'm going to get hurt. So ... that means the problem is ... me, right?

[Leia]

Leia, people say a lot of things, things to appeal. Do all his actions and words mesh?

 

His actions and words mesh ~ all the time. He says something and he does it. I can't think of anytime that they didn't.

 

He is under a lot of pressure as I said earlier and we're both trying to adjust to eachother's schedules. It can be quite exhausting cos when he is free, I am not or when I am, he's not.

 

Maybe that is taking a toll on us as well. Before he hung up, he said he knows I am working hard at making this work and so is he and he isn't going to stop trying. He also wants to help me get through my issues. But I feel that this is something I have to work on my own or am I wrong here?

[threebyfate]

I can't answer your question, Leia. What I do have to ask you, is the type of guy he is. Does he solicit female attention?

[Leia]

I can't answer your question, Leia. What I do have to ask you, is the type of guy he is. Does he solicit female attention?

 

No, he doesn't.

 

He's quite conservative. He doesn't like girls to hug or touch him except his girlfriend. He raises his voice now and then but that is something he is working on and so far, he's doing good. Other than that, it's all good. In terms of how he handles money, arguments and all ... no complains from me.

[Star Gazer]

Could it be that you're just expecting things to go wrong, because they always did before this guy?

[Leia]

Could it be that you're just expecting things to go wrong, because they always did before this guy?

 

The more I write about this, the more I feel something is wrong with me

 

Maybe I expect things to go wrong but I don't want them to go wrong. We don't argue about anything else except my insecurities which only come up more just recently.

 

The last thing I want to do is push him away. I am really into this guy but at the same time, I haven't really fully given myself to him cos I don't wanna end up getting hurt.