Can't stand the thought of men looking at my girlfriend. The thoughts ruin my days..

January 8, 2004

My girlfriend is very, very good looking (a 9 on the hottie scale - model material), and she dresses with mostly tight fitting pants and shirts, sometimes showing cleavage, and it bothers me a lot. It especially bothers me when I know that she goes to her college classes and to work dressed like that. She's been dressing this way before I met her, so she definitely is not going to change this (and I would never ask her to). She's not really the flirtatious type, but she is naturally friendly, and it kills me when I think about all the guys in her classes and in her job possibly staring, gawking and approaching her; it really irks me.

I trust her 100%, but for me trusting her with all I got doesn't make these uncomfortable thoughts go away. I'm 28, doing pretty well career wise, I think I'm good looking, I know she loves me, so why does the thought of other men looking at her when I'm not around bother me so much? I've talked about this with her, and she constantly reassures me of her love for me, and she says that men gawking and approaching is a daily routine, but she doesn't pay any mind to it; I trust her but I don't buy that. I know that if 10 girls a day approached me on a daily basis, it would give me the ultimate ego boost, and I don't know if I could go throughout the day not flirting back; maybe that's why it bugs me so much, I don't know. Are men and women different when it comes to things like that? It bothers me so much that I can hardly just enjoy the relationship. I wish that there was something I could do to help myself to be more comfortable with this. It really sucks...

When a female in a relationship dresses with tight shirts, tight jeans, and sometimes shows some cleavage and she KNOWS that she's going to get extra attention and a lot of men gawking and approaching, do women generally like that attention or should men believe that they just dress this way to feel good about themselves? Do women in relationships handle that attention differently than when they're single? Should men be concerned if they're girlfriends are dressing like this?

January 8, 2004

No matter what she dresses like, she will get attention. Let her soak it up because one day, hopefully long into the future, the amount of stares will significantly diminish. It happens to all of us. Meanwhile, there's nothing in the universe you can do about it. You don't control this lady or what she wears and you don't control the men...and women...who look at her. So enjoy the ride and relish the time you have with her and don't completely spoil that experience by worrying about this.

If you're really troubled by the way she dresses, go find a lady whose attire is a bit more modest.

January 8, 2004

Great advise from Tony.

Netman - you and I are basically living similar lives with a difference of age (my girl is 25).

And yeah, somedays when she walks out to work in her tight black pants, tight little white polo with clev and black boats it drives me a little nuts to. That and the fact that like your girl, mine get' tons of stares and is always being hit on by guys (she works at a hospital and is ALWAYS around tons of people, men and woman).

Here's my take on some of your questions -

"I know that if 10 girls a day approached me on a daily basis, it would give me the ultimate ego boost, and I don't know if I could go throughout the day not flirting back; maybe that's why it bugs me so much, I don't know. Are men and women different when it comes to things like that? "

- yeah, we're a lot different than our girls, period. As you said, the girls pull tons and tons of looks, etc...but this has probably been the norm since they were 15-16 (at least in my case). So even though my girl is constantly getting tons of attention, I don't think she really puts all that much thought into it. It happens, whatever. And I know when creeps hit on her she hates it.

"When a female in a relationship dresses with tight shirts, tight jeans, and sometimes shows some cleavage and she KNOWS that she's going to get extra attention and a lot of men gawking and approaching, do women generally like that attention or should men believe that they just dress this way to feel good about themselves? "

- ask your girl. I asked mine that exact question. Her response "do you like it when some cute girl checks you out?" Enough said, so they do enjoy the attention, it's probably a nice little ego buzz, but again, I don't think they really think all that much about it. it's been that way for a long time now and they're pretty used to it. So yeah, let her enjoy the attention. I would say that most woman dress a little for attention and a little to make themselves feel good....and there may or may not be any difference there...depends I guess.

Let me ask you a question bro, how do you deal when you guys are out on the town and she's pulling tons of looks and stuff? When guys send drinks over and what not?

I used to get pretty worked up, but now that we've been together almost 3 years it's old hat. I know she loves me with all her heart, I know she's probably the most moral and honest person I know, and I really don't have any worries about her cheating on me.

Do I still get pissed about the creeps and jerks and such that come on to her...yeah, sometimes, it really depends on my moods as well, but overall I'm a lot more comfortable with it now than in the past.

It'll work bro, make sure you don't freak out and get all controling and insecure, obviously you know they hate that more than anything.

Now, there is one thing that Tony mentioned that does concern me, namely the time when the stares stop (We're engaged now and going to have a family and build a life together). I hope my girl can find a way to look at herself and still see how beautiful she is when she's 40,50, 60 and 90! But we'll cross that one when we come to it.

Take care man,

WideAwake

January 8, 2004

Netman, I can understand where you are coming from, since my girlfriend is model material as well. 5'4, 105 lbs, blonde blue eyes, she looks like heather locklear.

Anyway, when we go out I notice alot of guys looking at her. To me, i'm the proudest guy at the club, restuarant, etc.. I kinda think like 'Yep guys, look all you want but she's going home with me'. She's really into fashion as well, so she dresses up 'all' of the time. During halloween she dressed up in a skimpy 60's mini skirt where you could just about see her ass-cheeks. But I would never, ever tell her NOT too. This is her choice how to dress and I trust her.

If you start dictating her how to dress, even though you don't do it directly, she'll start getting upset. You fell in love with this woman not only for her heart, but you are attracted to her looks as well. So why change something you fell in love with? You have to get past your insecurities. Good chance not that many guys are coming upto her as you think.

For example, me & my gf went on a cruise last week, and I was laying out on the deck. She told me she was going to the bar to get a drink and sat there. Every now & then I would look over, waiting to see if a guy would approach her. There were about 4 guys at the bar, but none came upto her. Good chance all of them were afraid, thinking she was out of their league. If a guy were to come upto her it wouldn't bother me that she would talk to him, because she knows the limits.

Just try not to think about it too much. I wouldn't make any more comments about her dressing unless its extremely revealing. My ex-fiancee was 5'7 120 lbs, 38 Ds. She looked like Julia Roberts with big boobs. Needless to say she had men come upto her as well, but when that did happen she told them she was taken. Majority of the guys out there will back off once your gf tells them they are taken.

Your gf knows what she has, and she also knows she could leave you anytime she wants. Just like you could leave her. But if the both of you are happy and love each other you have nothing to worry about. Trust me.

January 8, 2004

Wideawake, after reading one of your posts I know that you could relate to my situation, so who better to give advice then you. I appreciate it.

"I used to get pretty worked up, but now that we've been together almost 3 years it's old hat. I know she loves me with all her heart, I know she's probably the most moral and honest person I know, and I really don't have any worries about her cheating on me."

- how long into the relationship did you start not letting these things bother you as much? I'm a year deep and it's not getting any better. In the summer time, I was going nuts when my girl would come out with her tight jeans, looking all sexy without even trying. I started to feel a little better when the summer was ending, but I fear that when the spring and summer time comes again, these feelings are going to come back, and maybe stronger.

"Let me ask you a question bro, how do you deal when you guys are out on the town and she's pulling tons of looks and stuff?"

- it doesn't bother me as much when I'm with her; it bothers me most when she's not with me and I know she's somewhere where there's a lot of guys. I try to put her out of my mind when we're not together, but my imagination is my worst enemy. I'm always picturing tons of guys better looking then me flirting and staring and my girl, enjoying looking at her butt and her breasts, and her possibly liking that attention. It freakin bugs me!!!!

"Do I still get pissed about the creeps and jerks and such that come on to her...yeah, sometimes, it really depends on my moods as well, but overall I'm a lot more comfortable with it now than in the past."

- besides just trusting in your girl, did you do any mental "exercises", or did anything to change your thinking? What was the turning point for you? I'm in constant search of that turning point factor. I should be happy I'm with such a hot girl, but I'm not. I should enjoy my time with her but unfortunately I don't :-(

January 8, 2004

Originally posted by netman

"Let me ask you a question bro, how do you deal when you guys are out on the town and she's pulling tons of looks and stuff?"
- it doesn't bother me as much when I'm with her; it bothers me most when she's not with me and I know she's somewhere where there's a lot of guys. I try to put her out of my mind when we're not together, but my imagination is my worst enemy. I'm always picturing tons of guys better looking then me flirting and staring and my girl, enjoying looking at her butt and her breasts, and her possibly liking that attention. It freakin bugs me!!!!

"Do I still get pissed about the creeps and jerks and such that come on to her...yeah, sometimes, it really depends on my moods as well, but overall I'm a lot more comfortable with it now than in the past."
- besides just trusting in your girl, did you do any mental "exercises", or did anything to change your thinking? What was the turning point for you? I'm in constant search of that turning point factor. I should be happy I'm with such a hot girl, but I'm not. I should enjoy my time with her but unfortunately I don't :-(

Hey netman, listen to jmargel. He is right. You should feel proud that all those guys that look at your girl are envious of you. Guys will look at a girl no matter what. Feel proud. Don't worry when your not around your girlfriend. That comes down to trust. If your GF is that hot then believe me she can have any guy she wants BUT she chose you.

Don't worry about little things like who is looking at her. Like the old saying goes - "You can look but you better not touch!"

January 8, 2004

Originally posted by netman
Wideawake, after reading one of your posts I know that you could relate to my situation, so who better to give advice then you. I appreciate it.

No prob, were lucky son-of-guns to have this kind of prob, but we all need some help now and than.

- how long into the relationship did you start not letting these things bother you as much? I'm a year deep and it's not getting any better. In the summer time, I was going nuts when my girl would come out with her tight jeans, looking all sexy without even trying. I started to feel a little better when the summer was ending, but I fear that when the spring and summer time comes again, these feelings are going to come back, and maybe stronger.

Yeah, I think I actually hit my 'low point' around 18 months...sorry, that's probably not what you wanted to hear, but we were also having some troubles around than and things came to a head, we decided to stay together and work things out. I would have to say that it was after that or around the two year mark that I finally stoped DOING EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING by playing through these different mental nightmares when she was out alone. Who is talking to her? Is he a great guy she'll find attractive? Are guys coming up to her and laying hands on her? Crap like that...it sucked. As far as the feelings you had last summer ( you live someplace cold? I'm in Upstate NY and it's friggin' cold and snowy here right now!) they may or may not come back. They may come back a little bit. They may never come back, or once in awhile they may come back with a vengence.

Seriously, I found that the best thing I could do was to focus more on myself, and making myself a better person and feeling better about myself through these actions. This significanly helped me to not worry so darn much about who/what/where, etc...

I found that when I was having a lot of these problems I wasn't reading anymore, I let my workouts slide, I wasn't seeing my friends as much. So I made a real effort to change all of that. Picked up some new books, hit the weights hard again and made sure to get out with my friends once in awhile.

So one big thing for me was to start focusing more on myself and less on her. It helps. A lot! And than another big plus is that when I am around here I'm happier, more attentive and completely pysched to see her again.

- it doesn't bother me as much when I'm with her; it bothers me most when she's not with me and I know she's somewhere where there's a lot of guys. I try to put her out of my mind when we're not together, but my imagination is my worst enemy. I'm always picturing tons of guys better looking then me flirting and staring and my girl, enjoying looking at her butt and her breasts, and her possibly liking that attention. It freakin bugs me!!!!

Well bro, you're better off in that department at this point in your relationship than I was. About a year in the whole going out thing was getting to me. But like I mentioned before, we were also having some probs at that time. She was doing some stupid ass stuff and I was reacting poorly to it. She changed, I changed and things are now better. Sometimes it still bugs me when guys freak out and start saying crap to their buddies like "she's so f**kin' hot" and stuff right in front of me, but it's what it is I guess.

- besides just trusting in your girl, did you do any mental "exercises", or did anything to change your thinking? What was the turning point for you? I'm in constant search of that turning point factor. I should be happy I'm with such a hot girl, but I'm not. I should enjoy my time with her but unfortunately I don't :-(

No, not really. I never sat down and cleared my thoughts and focused on how great she is and how she wouldn't do stuff or whatever....maybe I should though. Thanks for the idea.

But as I mentioned above, what I did do was to re-focus some of my attention, time and effort into things that made me feel better about myself. Be that the reading, working out, hunting with the guys or just hanging out with other friends. I think perhaps that was a problem in our specific case. When we met, she really didn't have any friends in our town, and I basically know everyone. I let A LOT of my other relationships slide downhill after meeting her (simply becuase I spent all my time with her...) and I think I began to regret her to some degree for that and perhaps some of our probs started there. There was other stuff going on too...ok, I'll try and keep this brief.

At this time, right after we met she got a job at the hospital. She met a bunch of people she worked with and she really wanted to fit in and have fun, etc... Most of the people she works with go out and get drunk almost every night. I don't. I like to have an occasional drink, but she has always loved to go out and drink,etc... This led to her going out without me and boozing it up with her co-workers (mostly guys) until 2 and 3 in the morning some times.

I went on for a while, with her tellng me about guys hitting on her in the group, and how basically no one liked me becuase they thought I was kind of party poop, etc... we tried consuling, I had us go to a therapist, and she started lying to the therapist and than decided she had had enough and I could either take her as she is or not.

I choose not to and kicked her to the curb. She begged and pleaded for a week or so and than I decided to give her another chance. Well....what can I say, she must have been serious becuase she changed 180 degrees. She still went out maybe once a week with SOME of the people, but she was now very considerate and would call to let me know what was going on (this had never happened before). She would also limit her drinking now to a few and never come home after 7pm or so. Basically she did whatever it took to keep us together and I really have a ton of respect for her. In retrospect she's amazed that she was acting this way, and is very appologetic about the whole episode, but it was her first job and as such things got a little away from her.

Holy crap, what was I talking about...anyway....

I guess what I did to help was to do more things that I missed, obviously she did a number of things to make me feel better as well. Sorry, I know this doesn't exacty fit your situation, but I felt some background was needed.

Hope this helped man...I have to say it helps me as well to have someone else to write to about this kind of stuff....I'm just not comfortalbe talking about this kind of thing with my buddies...

Take care man,

WA

January 8, 2004

Hope this helped man...I have to say it helps me as well to have someone else to write to about this kind of stuff....I'm just not comfortable talking about this kind of thing with my buddies...

Believe me, I know what you mean. My best friends think that it's stupid and illogical to get jealous, and to let the way she dresses, and the thoughts of other guys bother me, but there's usually no logic inside an illogical jealous mind. But only people who have been in my shoes can relate, that's why I can relate to your situation, and getting into your background with her definitely helps to get a clearer picture of your situation.

Here's something that's important about my background that may explain where my insecurities stem from. I was engaged a few years back and very early on in that relationship my ex-cheated on me. I loved her so much that I stayed with her even though she did what she did, but I became extremely jealous and possessive with her after that. Everything bothered me from how she dressed to how she spoke and interacted with other guys; even my own friends. She did everything she could to try to convince me that she'd never cheat again, but the jealous feelings NEVER went away and I never ever gave her my 100% trust again. I got engaged with her thinking that that would help the situation, but it did not. After 4 years of that stress in my head, I finally had the courage to fight the love I felt for her and break up with her. Ever since then, I've always had trust issues with females.

Now I'm with this beautiful woman, and she treats me like gold. She proves her love to me ever day, yet sometimes I find myself thinking the worst, and interrogating her here and there, asking her tons of questions like, "You were on the phone? With who?" "Why did you come home 30 minutes late?" "Why were you looking over there?" It's horrible, but it's almost like I can't help it. She never did anything to make me believe that she can't be trusted, but yet I have a hard time giving her the 100% trust that I know she deserves. Now that I'm writing all this, I think it all boils down to the fact that I have a hard time giving my girlfriend 100% trust. Maybe if I learned how to do that I could be more comfortable with everything else. But how do I learn to trust again? It's better said than done....

January 8, 2004

Well then this boils down to an issue WITH YOU. NOT her. I had the same kinda experience, I was engaged couple of years ago. She moved in, and within a year became mentually abusive (head games) and then ended up leaving me for my now ex best friend of 15 years. I find myself with my current girlfriend, thinking the worst.

I talked to 'Brandy' about this (my gf) and all she told me was that 'she wasn't Tara (my ex)'. Which she is right. Your current gf in no way have the same personality traits as your ex. Its hard not to think the worst when something bad has happened to you. You kind of expect it to happen again at some point.

Thing is, if you continue your behavior with your gf, she is going to start resentment, and the things you fear most will happen. You need to work on yourself, perhaps counciling for yourself only might help you. When I start getting those kinda feelings you have, I think to myself that she WANTS to be with me and if I show her that I don't trust her 100% she is going to start distancing herself from me.

You need to keep your head filled with more postive thoughts. Don't worry about the things you can't change, and DON'T try to change her. If she wanted someone else don't you think she would've left you by now?

By you acting this way, you are changing yourself, and not for the better. I'm sure she has picked up on this. Would you want to be with someone who's constantly making you feel guilty about something you haven't ever done? This is what you are doing to her whether you realize it or not.

Not much else I can tell you. Be proud you have such a beautiful girlfriend. Trust, love & respect her and she'll do the same.

January 8, 2004

Originally posted by netman
Believe me, I know what you mean. My best friends think that it's stupid and illogical to get jealous, and to let the way she dresses, and the thoughts of other guys bother me, but there's usually no logic inside an illogical jealous mind.

No friggin' doubt. Logic and emotions seem to run together sometime, and vastly wide apart on others. Using 'logic' hasn't done a damn thing to help my anxiety about this stuff either...

Here's something that's important about my background that may explain where my insecurities stem from. I was engaged a few years back and very early on in that relationship my ex-cheated on me. I loved her so much that I stayed with her even though she did what she did, but I became extremely jealous and possessive with her after that. Everything bothered me from how she dressed to how she spoke and interacted with other guys; even my own friends. She did everything she could to try to convince me that she'd never cheat again, but the jealous feelings NEVER went away and I never ever gave her my 100% trust again. I got engaged with her thinking that that would help the situation, but it did not. After 4 years of that stress in my head, I finally had the courage to fight the love I felt for her and break up with her. Ever since then, I've always had trust issues with females.

Dude! That really explains SO much! I actually never had any trust issues prior to this relationship, but to be honest I always went for the smart bookish girls that never really pulled many guys. For the most part, all of the girls I've been with in the past have all dressed pretty conservetivly, or at least not as sexy as my girl. Just my luck to find a smart one that also happens to look great. I actually met my current girl at a book reading of an author we both love. We happened to have mutual friends, and you get the idea.

You know she's not the one that cheated and all, but as we already mentioned, logic doesn't always come to our rescue.

Now I'm with this beautiful woman, and she treats me like gold. She proves her love to me ever day, yet sometimes I find myself thinking the worst, and interrogating her here and there, asking her tons of questions like, "You were on the phone? With who?" "Why did you come home 30 minutes late?" "Why were you looking over there?" It's horrible, but it's almost like I can't help it. She never did anything to make me believe that she can't be trusted, but yet I have a hard time giving her the 100% trust that I know she deserves. Now that I'm writing all this, I think it all boils down to the fact that I have a hard time giving my girlfriend 100% trust. Maybe if I learned how to do that I could be more comfortable with everything else. But how do I learn to trust again? It's better said than done....

Ah damn...I do the same thing sometimes. Not anywhere near as much as I used to though (at least I'm not hacking into her email and doing traces on her cell phone...though I did cop to all of that to her). But yeah, that part certainly gets better over time. I went through that period when I was sure something was going on with her while she was out drinking till 3am...but at this point I honestly don't believe anything ever happened. Do I still have my doubts sometimes? Sure, and that sucks, but I think eventually they will fade as well. We both know that we can't show too much disrespect to them though, or they'll get fed up and just be done with the whole thing.

Here's a funny one for you bro -

How does your girl treat you in this regard? Does she ever ask you these kind of pointed questions, or others?

I have to say that my girl is ALWAYS asking me stuff like:

"Did any girls talk to you today?"

"Who were you talking to?"

"Are you chatting with any girls online?"

Etc...

I always answer truthfully, even when it kind of sucks like "yeah, some girl hit on me at the store today, she told me I smelled good or some crap like that."

Of course she'll get bent, but it fades, and I becuase we've both agreed to this kind of policy, I'm not going to not tell her and lie to her. On the flip side I sometimes ask those kind of questions too...which I have significantly decreased in frequency since the time she told me "yeah, a cute cop at the hospital told me I looked like a model and wanted to know if I'd have dinner with him". I saw red on that one, but it passed, and now for the most part I just don't ask those type of questions...though she still does in spades.

Hmmm...maybe her always asking me those kinds of questions doesn't help me out either...I don't know. Still trying to figure the whole thing out, ya know?

Take care bro,

WA

January 8, 2004

Jmargel - I totally agree that the problem is with me, which is definitely why I posted here. It's not her fault that she's very good looking, and I have to accept that. And I definitely have to get over the fact that there are things in this world I can't control, especially the guys out there. I definitely don't want to become a controlling boyfriend, and to this point I have not been one. And my gf has told me the same thing about not comparing her to my ex-girlfriend. She's definitely right.

Wideawake - She used to ask me little questions like that, but she just slowly stopped, maybe because for every question she had I had 3. One thing I'm proud of is that no matter how jealous I may feel or may have felt in the past, I never had or have the urge to look through her bag, her e-mail or through her phone; I knew early on that if I started doing those things, it would lead to worse feelings. It's like I have my actions semi in check, but not my thoughts.

Any females out there with any comments on this subject?

January 8, 2004

Just a quick note from a women's persepective. I am seriously involved with a man and have always dressed a bit seductive. I go to school and work in a profession that is mainly men and he hates that I dress the way I do. I don't know about your girlfriends but I dress this way because I've always dressed this way. I'm not comfortable in baggy, saggy clothes unless I'm just padding around the house or running erands. When I'm at work or school, I like it trendy and cute and fitting. I don't care whether that gives me looks from other men or not. I'd wear it even if they found me repulsive. It's who I am. I guess what I'm saying is that unless you have reason to believe your woman is actively pursuing other men, I wouldn't worry. Chances are, the older we get, the more conservative we'll dress (more out of necessity than anything else. I can not picture a 40 or 50 yr old in my clothes), or at least that's the way it has a tendency to go. Until then, you have a vibrant, beautiful young woman who dresses well and probably carries herself well, also. As long as she's behaving, no problem.

January 8, 2004

netman- good for you man for not ever really snooping around. I'm kind of a tech guy, and those things come naturally to me - BUT - the day I did it I told her everything that night. She was pissed (as she was honestly expected to be) but she forgave me and we went on. Turns out she had done the same thing to me a few weeks before actually! And yeah bro, you and I know this is our mental prob and not anything on our woman.

Girlie - Your post helped a ton. I know for a fact that my girl is happy and not looking for another guy in any way shape or form. What I didn't know was why any girl would WANT to wear tight stuff! It's just so foreign to me as I'm always in clothes that are at least a little comfortable. But hearing you say how you don't care what other men think and that you just enjoy wearing your clothes for yourself....well...it opens my eyes on a few things...

You mean I'm NOT THE CENTER OF HER WORLD!?!?!?

LOL!

Thanks for the info!

January 9, 2004

Originally posted by Girlie
Just a quick note from a women's perspective. I am seriously involved with a man and have always dressed a bit seductive. I go to school and work in a profession that is mainly men and he hates that I dress the way I do. I don't know about your girlfriends but I dress this way because I've always dressed this way. I'm not comfortable in baggy, saggy clothes unless I'm just padding around the house or running erands. When I'm at work or school, I like it trendy and cute and fitting. I don't care whether that gives me looks from other men or not. I'd wear it even if they found me repulsive. It's who I am. I guess what I'm saying is that unless you have reason to believe your woman is actively pursuing other men, I wouldn't worry. Chances are, the older we get, the more conservative we'll dress (more out of necessity than anything else. I can not picture a 40 or 50 yr old in my clothes), or at least that's the way it has a tendency to go. Until then, you have a vibrant, beautiful young woman who dresses well and probably carries herself well, also. As long as she's behaving, no problem.

Girlie, your post definitely gives me hope. You have no clue how much it helps!!

Any other female with a perspective on this subject?

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Can't stand the thought of men looking at my girlfriend. The thoughts ruin my days..

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