robaday Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Hi, I was hoping advice regarding female friends and dating new women. I am lucky in that I have a large social group both male and female. By twist of fate I became good friends with 3 women 2 years ago, they were the only people I knew when I moved cities-I always did hang out with male friends, and never had close female friends in the past. One of them is spoken for, and is my best friend, she helped me through a hard time, she's always been there for me, and really without her, I would not have made the move a success (my whole social group is through her). I am really good friends with her boyfriend and nothing would ever happen between us. The other 2, despite being single, I regard as sisters-there is no way I would ever do anything to ruin our friendship. Over the past year I have been dating quite a lot, and these friendships have caused problems. Dates have at times accused me of having feelings for my best friend. In addition, I have noticed my female friends acting more flirtatious to me in front of my dates. Now, what do I do? I will not ruin some of the most rewarding friendships I have ever had because someone Im dating doesn't like me having female friends. But nor do I feel completely comfortable around my female friends with my dates, as I've started to question how platonic our friendships actually are-I am certain none of them have feelings for me, but their behavior at times has made me question the foundations of our friendships and whether in fact they are true friends? As an aside, my social group is not just women, it is merely a very large (15 or so people), close group of men and women, most of whom are already in relationships
Taramere Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Over the past year I have been dating quite a lot, and these friendships have caused problems. Dates have at times accused me of having feelings for my best friend. In addition, I have noticed my female friends acting more flirtatious to me in front of my dates. That last bit is the one that makes me raise my eyebrows a bit. In what sense are the female friends more flirtatious to you in front of your dates? Do you think it's something they're consciously doing, and would you be able to ask them about it? I know that if I were on a date with a guy, and he had female friends on the scene who were flirting with him, I'd perceive it as somewhat bitchy, competitive behaviour on their part. Like maybe they feel some sense of ownership over you, and wanted to mark their territory in front of me...regardless of whether they were romantically interested in you. I'd be thinking "are these really people I want to be spending much of my time socialising with?" I think if your female friends are going to play those games, then it might well create some problems in your love life. The initial stages of a new relationship are difficult enough, without friends causing the kind of added complications you're describing here.
Barky Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 (edited) Don't take this the wrong way but I'm always kind of suspicious of men who are "just friends" with lots of women. Unless they're super unattractive, why wouldn't you be trying to bang these women? And if you can't bang them, why would you spend your time hanging out with them when you could be hanging out with women you are banging? How and why would you get yourself in a situation where you are hanging out with women you aren't sleeping with? IMHO being "just friends" with a woman is like having a job that doesn't pay. What do you do, go see movies or read poetry together or something? Couldn't you do that with a woman you're having sex with? It's like if someone offered to give you $70 or $100, wouldn't you take the $100? I don't understand, the math just doesn't work out. Edited March 1, 2010 by Barky
sally4sara Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 It is up to you to hash this out with your female friends. You not have to make it a bad talk, just appeal to their better nature. Remind them that friends want to see their friends happy and successful and you would appreciate it if they held back on the playing around and to try to establish a better rapport with the women you date. Real friends will try to make someone new in your life feel welcome. It would also be best if you did this while you're single. If your female friends are this catty and you have this talk while you're dating someone they met even once, they will assume you're having the talk at the girl's behest. At which point they won't be able to respect the request as they won't feel it came from you. They will feel compelled to stirring the pot some more. You don't need to end the friendships with them if they don't listen to you about this. You said it is a larger circle of friends - start gravitating to your less drama causing ones in the group. Hell, I'd recommend you do that anyway - who needs that mess?
freestyle Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I agree Barky. I fully believe in the ladder theory. http://www.laddertheory.com/ Also, women are inherently bitches, and yes your female friends are flirtier around you and your gf because they perceive your new girlfriend as competition and a threat to your friendship. By doing this they're saying "we've know him longer, he likes us more, we know he trusts and values us, so nah nah nah nah" Great link, CS! I think the author's right on the money about a lot of the dynamics. OP. I have personally witnessed these dynamics happening from the position of being the new girl the guy is dating. And it sucks............. I think eventually you're going to have to decide which has more value to you---- a successful, healthy, loving relationship OR female friends......... True friends will NOT sabotage your love life.They will want to see you happy,even if it means you're less available to hang out with. If you're noticing a pattern of your female friends suddenly acting flirty and/or territorial with you the moment you bring a date around, you need to nip it in the bud. And pay attention to the dynamics between the women when they think you're out of earshot....... I went through crap like that with one of my bf's friends. I didn't have a problem with him being friends with a woman, but the very first time I met this chick, she started in on me,the second his back was turned----and then played nice when he was around:rolleyes:---I was waiting for her head to spin around......... I've almost left him because of it----I don't dig drama, and I can't stand two-faced people. If you allow this to continue, I predict you're still going to be single for a long time. (unless that's what you want, then fine...*shrug*)Most women are NOT going to bother with a guy who has jealous female friends glaring from the sidelines. I'm not saying all female friends are bad, either---some will support your relationships, and make sure that the new girl in your life has nothing to worry about .........but some won't------you'll have to pay close attention....
boogieboy Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 The women that are single are sabotaging you so that you stay single like them. Your best bet is to keep your dates away from your friends for now.
blue.iris Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Having been the new girlfriend of a man with a large group of friends, including a few close female friends, I can say that there were times I felt like running in the opposite direction. Luckily, only one gave me trouble (though it went on for a very long time and is still ongoing). What you can do to ease your date's thoughts: Make it very, very clear that you are not physically/emotionally attracted to said female friends. Do not prioritize your female friends over your date/new girlfriend unless it's an emergency. If possible, don't hang out with your female friends/ new potential girlfriend for a while until you have established a bond with the new potential girlfriend. As for why girls (or guys) do this sometimes? They want you to be single so you're all in the same group and they don't feel alone. They have a crush on you, even though they may not have admitted it to themselves. They've decided to play your surrogate mother/sister and don't think the new girl is good enough for you.
phineas Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 The women that are single are sabotaging you so that you stay single like them. Your best bet is to keep your dates away from your friends for now. This happened to me. my suppose'd friend "liked theings the way they were" when I suggested dateing. OK. Then were just friends right? WRONG! She was cock-blocking me left & right. Meanwhile, she had a FWB thing going on she didn't tell me about. So she was getting sex & me to keep her busy in between sex. I stopped talking to her & she got PISSED. her excuse? She said I could do better. Did not need the hassle.
aerogurl87 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I think men can have platonic friendships with women, but it's rare. Most men and women have a hidden agenda when it comes to being friends with the sex they're sexually attracted to, just my opinion. With that said, single women who are friends with single straight guys are the worst cock blockers in the world. Women are territorial by nature and yes we have a tendency to be overprotective of those we care about. Could be your single friends that are women don't want you having a girlfriend because that would take away from their time with you. So maybe you should lay off hanging out with them if you're seriously looking to date someone.
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