mortensorchid Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I was thinking today about the dude who lost interest last week, as well as some other situations I have been in. The dude from previous posts seems to have lost interest in me, he was hinting the whole time that he wanted to have sex, but I told him he had to hold off for a bit. After he had canceled twice on me for last minute family things, date #6 was technically supposed to be "the night". But I caught this horrible sinus infection which left me feeling anything but amorous. I wonder if he got frustrated with me and decided he didn't want to see me anymore. Now, I realize that this is one case, and who knows if this was the reason why, but I looked back on some other situations and realized that there were a few guys in the past who got frustrated with me because I held out. I think it's best to make the guy wait for at least 4-6 get togethers before you do IT. I had one who I had arranged to go out on date #5 at some point, when I didn't hear from him by 8 pm I called. He said he messed up and he was out at a bar. I never heard from him again even though I was annoyed but didn't tell him so. How long is too long and how soon is too soon?
conehead Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Thank gosh you did not sleep with him! First of all, stop thinking this was anything your fault or because of what you did that made him lose interest. I bet he was never that interested to begin with judging from how he treated you from the very beginning. Making a guy wait 4-6 dates is not a big deal at all. Even if you make a guy wait 3 months, he would if he was into you. I'm so glad you didn't end up doing it with him or else you'd be even more heartbroken right now. If he lost interest because he didn't get sex after 6 dates, do you think he's really worth it? I hope you know the answer to that.
Satisfaction Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 If a guy really wants to be with you, he won't really mind how long it takes to have sex with you. I can't believe you are asking this question ? Are you really asking "why am I meeting so many jerks who make me feel guilty about not letting them use me for sex?" I don't know the answer to that unfortunately. Lots of "fake nice guys" out there who are who are not easy to detect. Keep your chin up kid.
Enema Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 (edited) If I ever get the feeling that a woman is holding out as part of some kind of dating strategy, internal rules or open game playing, I lose interest straight away. If she wants and enjoys sex, and wants and enjoys my company - we should have sex. I don't mean on the first date.... but if there's a few solid dates with a decent amount of face time and good rapport I'd probably call the whole thing off by date 4 if I haven't had any kind of action. Whether she's playing games or genuinely doesn't want to have sex with me yet - we don't have the same mindset and wouldn't be a good match. bye. Edited March 1, 2010 by Enema
mem11363 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Do they have to take you out 5-6 times? Or do you reciprocate / cook dinner / do something for them? I don't think there is anything wrong with being slow - long as you make it clear you ARE attracted to someone. I was thinking today about the dude who lost interest last week, as well as some other situations I have been in. The dude from previous posts seems to have lost interest in me, he was hinting the whole time that he wanted to have sex, but I told him he had to hold off for a bit. After he had canceled twice on me for last minute family things, date #6 was technically supposed to be "the night". But I caught this horrible sinus infection which left me feeling anything but amorous. I wonder if he got frustrated with me and decided he didn't want to see me anymore. Now, I realize that this is one case, and who knows if this was the reason why, but I looked back on some other situations and realized that there were a few guys in the past who got frustrated with me because I held out. I think it's best to make the guy wait for at least 4-6 get togethers before you do IT. I had one who I had arranged to go out on date #5 at some point, when I didn't hear from him by 8 pm I called. He said he messed up and he was out at a bar. I never heard from him again even though I was annoyed but didn't tell him so. How long is too long and how soon is too soon?
Author mortensorchid Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 If a guy really wants to be with you, he won't really mind how long it takes to have sex with you. I can't believe you are asking this question ? Are you really asking "why am I meeting so many jerks who make me feel guilty about not letting them use me for sex?" I don't know the answer to that unfortunately. Lots of "fake nice guys" out there who are who are not easy to detect. Keep your chin up kid. Not asking that question, just for the record, about why I am meeting so many jerks who make me feel guilty about not letting them use me for sex. Those days are over, I can tell who is and isn't just looking for sex at this point. There are a lot of "fake nice guys" out there, that's for sure. I guess he was one of them. I realize I didn't do anything wrong here, but I do wonder if that's what he was thinking. I was depressed about it, I really liked him and thought it was going someplace, but I guess it's just not that way. Moving onto the next adventure, I deleted him from my phone, unfriended him from Facebook, we're not in communication anymore.
Lovelybird Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I've heard a pig-test in dating world. If you want to test a man if he is a pig or not, try the pig-test, it is simple, just say no to sex You may want to look at the psychological reason "bad men don't wait", and what you did in the past is hurting yourself. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-true-love/201002/bad-men-dont-wait-have-sex Knowledge is power
Ruby Slippers Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 If a guy won't be patient with you until you're ready, within a reasonable time frame, he's either not that into you or he only wants you for sex. You did nothing wrong in waiting. In fact, it sounds like you did something right.
MalachiX Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Well, personally I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting for six dates as long as you make it clear to the guy that you're attracted to him and you're open to a sexual relationship eventually (you don't want him to think you're a virgin whose refusing to have sex until marriage). Six dates doesn't seem excessive though. Granted I'd prefer it sooner but I'd wait if I was interested. That said, I don't think a guy is a pig if he doesn't want to wait. As long as he's honest with you and not rude, I think it's fair that some guys want a sexual relationship earlier and don't think it's worth it to have one put on hold. There are certainly women like this and as long as they make their intentions clear, I don't think we should lable them "jerks."
Barky Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 The longer you wait the more men who will leave before it happens. Is that really a surprise? For me, if it's not on by the second date, LATEST third date if there was serious making out on the second, then I'm gone. Oddly, the longest relationships I've had--one 4-year, one 3-year, and two 2-year--have all been with women who slept with me on the first date. The two longest were with women I specifically got together with just for sex. For some reason I'm just compatible with super-sexual chicks I guess
calazhage Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 . There are a lot of "fake nice guys" out there, that's for sure. . Are you a "fake nice girl"? It seems you are not holding off on sex for moral reasons, but rather to try and get a guy to stay with you.
phineas Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 How far did he get with you & how long did it take him? He probably got tired of driving home with a hard-on.
BentSpine Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 (edited) I expect sex to happen ASAP after she passionately responds when we kiss. Waiting longer or a specific number of dates will send me running for the hills. This is the generic problem as I see it: When we try to protect our emotions too vigorously, we will turn off of a lot of healthy people by our controlling behaviour. This is the same as "What we fear, we create." In other words, there is no too early. Edited March 1, 2010 by BentSpine
Kamille Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 If I ever get the feeling that a woman is holding out as part of some kind of dating strategy, internal rules or open game playing, I lose interest straight away. I agree with Enema and the other guy who pointed this out. I would say it depends on why and how you manage waiting for sex. I don't hold out to weed out guys who might be into it just for sex. I have sex once all the conditions are there for me to be able to really enjoy myself. That can take 4 dates or it can take a month. Those conditions are: feeling we connect on an emotional level, feeling comfortable with the guy, knowing I won't feel vulnerable after sleeping with him, knowing he feels ready too. Basically, I wait until I know I can walk into the room and just rip his clothes off without wondering if he'll still like me the morning after.
shadowplay Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 MC, as one woman to another, I think your attitude on holding off on sex is kind of immature. There's nothing wrong with waiting for awhile, but you shouldn't base how long you wait on how long you feel you're supposed to or how you think the guy will react or what others do. That suggests you're just playing some game. You should base it on when you feel comfortable having sex.
mushmush Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 (edited) Just my 2 cents. I see nothing wrong with waiting a couple of dates before having sex with someone. That way you can base the relationship on something other than sex. It also put's into our heads that a girl is not promiscious and is relationship material. What I find a turnoff however is when a girl with holds sex when you can't keep your hands off each other. We know you girls like sex just as much as us. Big turn off for me when you have been seeing each other for a while, everything is going great, you can't keep your hands off each other and you know you are totally into each other and you hear the words "noo, I just dont think it's the right time.." "huh?? well my dick dont get much harder than this" It's frustrating and it's annoying and it does suggest you are playing some sort of games. Honestly it makes me loose interest in the girl, but I will still want to **** her.. Edited March 1, 2010 by mushmush
ADF Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 He most definately lost interest. Here's something women need to understand: the fact men want sex doesn't make us evil. It only makes us human. Playing mind games by withholding sex is passive-aggressive bull****, and is every bit as offensive as men pressuring women to have sex against their will.
pandagirl Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Basically, I wait until I know I can walk into the room and just rip his clothes off without wondering if he'll still like me the morning after. I will second this. One guy I dated for two months/12 dates without sleeping with him. I just never felt comfortable. My current boyfriend I went pretty far sexually on the first date, but we pulled the reigns back and waited until the 15th date. Then there are guys I've slept with on the third date. But it was all based on my comfort level and situation with each individual guy. One thing is for sure: if he REALLY likes you, he won't care.
mushmush Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 But it was all based on my comfort level and situation with each individual guy. One thing is for sure: if he REALLY likes you, he won't care. I agree with your first sentence, but have to disagree with your second. No matter what the guy says to your face, he will care and it will bother him. What if it's the pattern of the relationship?? What if the girl withholds on sex everytime she wants something or wants to have things her way? Every guy worries about diminishing sex in a relationship or marrage. If you are both comfortable with each other and the sexual attraction is there, withholding sex for no other reason than it being a dating strategy is a big no no.
pandagirl Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I agree with your first sentence, but have to disagree with your second. No matter what the guy says to your face, he will care and it will bother him. What if it's the pattern of the relationship?? What if the girl withholds on sex everytime she wants something or wants to have things her way? Every guy worries about diminishing sex in a relationship or marrage. If you are both comfortable with each other and the sexual attraction is there, withholding sex for no other reason than it being a dating strategy is a big no no. I don't think this is what the OP was doing. She never stated that she was withholding sex as a power play or as a "strategy." It's not like she was never going to have sex with him -- it had only been five dates!
mushmush Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I don't think this is what the OP was doing. She never stated that she was withholding sex as a power play or as a "strategy." It's not like she was never going to have sex with him -- it had only been five dates! hehe yup.. 6th date was going to be "the" night. poor guy just stating, witholding sex as a dating strategy (or for a certain time frame) is bad. Witholding sex because you dont feel comfortable with the person is good.
Kamille Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 just stating, witholding sex as a dating strategy (or for a certain time frame) is bad. Witholding sex because you dont feel comfortable with the person is good. I completely agree.
aerogurl87 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 If a guy really wants to be with you, he won't really mind how long it takes to have sex with you. This is soooo true. The guy I lost my virginity to waited 9 months and one beautiful promise ring later, till I had sex with him. Then my most recent ex waited a month and would've waited longer had I not been ready to hop in bed with him. If a guy is really into you he will wait till your ready and not try to pressure you into having sex right off the bat. He may get frustrated but he'll wait it out.
Satisfaction Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Not asking that question, just for the record, about why I am meeting so many jerks who make me feel guilty about not letting them use me for sex. Those days are over, I can tell who is and isn't just looking for sex at this point. There are a lot of "fake nice guys" out there, that's for sure. I guess he was one of them. I realize I didn't do anything wrong here, but I do wonder if that's what he was thinking. I was depressed about it, I really liked him and thought it was going someplace, but I guess it's just not that way. Moving onto the next adventure, I deleted him from my phone, unfriended him from Facebook, we're not in communication anymore. I'm sorry!If the sex thing bothered him then he should have said. Also not a good sign that he can't tell you how he feels or if you upset him. If he can't tell you after 7 dates, when will he? Or is that all supposed to magically transform when he has an orgasm? Even if he was shy or felt guilty bringing it up he could have found indirect ways to tell you. going with you to the chemist and looking longingly at the condom rack is one or making jokes about going camping as he has already brought a tent but I guess you know all that. Hope you meet someone better soon. Wishing you lots of luck. ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤(they are lucky charms)
threebyfate Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Who are you, mortensorchid? If you're someone who can compartmentalize sex and caring, there's no reason why you couldn't have some fun. But if you're like I am, someone who bonds with sex, DON'T even consider it, until you're in an exclusive relationship. Fear of loss is such a waste of time. If someone walks away due to sex, hold the door open for them.
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