ConflictedGuy27 Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 I received some advice in the infidelity section of LS about my situation. Long story short, my wife of 3 years (dated 4 years prior) recently decided to run off and have an affair with a coworker. At this point its still on going and she's basically moved out - yes, her stuff is still at our condo; but she'll come back maybe one day a week, grab some clothes and go... The first two weeks were like mourning a dead loved one and best friend. I had to hire a shrink to help me deal with the emotions. I'm in a much more stable place but every now and then my emotions get me going and thinking thoughts of getting back with her. She basically doesn't give a damn at the moment; not about me at least, and is just doing her thing. I opened this thread to invite any comments/tips about how to let go, how to move on and do what's best for me. I'm still in this mode where I'll behave in ways that take her feelings (or how I think she'll feel/react) into consideration... I need to stop that and do what's best for me. Any advice out there? Thanks a lot.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 Just in case it matters, I thought I would add that my STBX is cake eating. I think she's doing as little as possible to keep me still hoping we could work this out, just in case she has a sudden change of heart or her affair goes south in a hurry... I filed for a divorce and have yet to server her. I'll be doing that this week; as well as exposing her affair to her family... She'll no doubt be super pissed, but whatever at this point. Coping tips?
hopesndreams Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 It's going to take a long, long time to find peace and normalcy. There is no easy fix. Let it out. Cry, scream, write in a journal, you must have an outlet for the pain. Discover yourself again. What are your interests and hobbies that may have been left behind because of the M? There usually is something because we tend to lose ourselves in another. Make you the priority. Time for you to be selfish. Do what makes you feel good about yourself. Be kind to yourself and do your best to not have negative thoughts about you.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 It's going to take a long, long time to find peace and normalcy. There is no easy fix. Let it out. Cry, scream, write in a journal, you must have an outlet for the pain. Discover yourself again. What are your interests and hobbies that may have been left behind because of the M? There usually is something because we tend to lose ourselves in another. Make you the priority. Time for you to be selfish. Do what makes you feel good about yourself. Be kind to yourself and do your best to not have negative thoughts about you. Thanks Hopes. I'll start thinking along those lines and try to start acting on it, while I'm going through all this. Oddly enough I just felt some satisfaction a few mins ago - I don't know if you would call it coping though. I disabled her credit cards. lol. Ahhh therapy... On a serious note though, thanks for the tips. I'll give it my best shot.
mimidarlin Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Conflicted, Losing a spouse through divorce inflicts a similar pain to losing someone we love to death. Especially if we're blindsided. Seven years together and she just walks out and moves on. Oh but keep a little finger in the the pie at home to make sure it's still warm. I'm glad you went to counseling. I'm proud of you for filing for divorce even if you haven't served the papers. Have you seen a lawyer yet? I know that a lawyer can be unnecessary when there aren't a lot of debts and assets. You need a lawyer to protect your assets in case she gets pissed and decides to get revenge. This includes cars, retirement accounts, stocks, savings, property etc. You say that you are interested in reconciliation but it seems that her behavior has shocked you enough that you may not be open to it. Think about this very thoroughly. Will you be waiting for her to cheat again? Waiting for her to walk away? Will you be able to be the strong person that you need to be to have a good relationship? You can't be her doormat. You can't let her cake eat.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 Our largest asset is a condo we bought together in late 2009. She mentioned shed like to keep it. With regard to me moving on, a friend of mine helped me understand that giving her the condo in the burbs and grabbing a nice apartment downtown would probably be a welcome change for me. I think I agree. Yes I'm losing my spouse who I'll likely always love, however (atleast intellectually) I understand that her actions have destroyed all semblance of trust... There are great women out there that would love and be faithful to a guy like me. I think I'd like to find this woman. I'm not afraid of being alone.
mimidarlin Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Conflicted, Good luck with everything. You will need a lawyer to make sure that you are removed from the mortgage on the condo and it doesn't reflect on your credit. If you plan on leaving don't change the locks. Work out a plan for you to move and have an apartment and for her to take on the responsibility of the mortgage. You'll need to have dates in mind. I bought a book about planning a divorce. Lots of checklists and things to know before you see a lawyer. A lot of details that you can provide for the lawyer without piling on billable hours. We know that all of this is very difficult. We're here to help and offer advice as needed. Trust is impossible to rebuild if the other spouse doesn't want to work on it. Even then it may prove a hurdle that we can't get over as a couple. The worry you feel when you wonder where are they and why aren't they answering the phone is awful. It eats at you. I don't want a divorce but I'm not certain of reconciliation either. One thing I am certain of is that I don't want to poison my soul by acting vengeful. I don't want to worry about where he is and who he is with either. If we can't gain back the confidence and trust then there really isn't a good relationship to be had.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 Its interesting how things develop - my STBX certainly made coping and doing what needs to be done MUCH easier; damn near effortless. Lol. I've reached the tipping point everyone. As in 0% chance of reconcilliation. After checking some financials I see that she spent the weekend in Vegas charging up all types of BS. I read about the types of affairs known as Exit Affairs and that's what I'm dealing with I believe. It doesn't really matter at this point. What's interesting is that I'm emotionally unmoved by this. I just realize what has to be done. Ever see that old flick Old Yeller?? This period of my life is like that scene in Old Yeller where the older brother grabs his rifle and has to blow away the family Golden Retreiver. Yeah, they loved the dog, but it was out of control - had rabies I believe. Basically I've picked up my rifle and am fully preparred to put my M out of it's misery - she's already more than killed it IMHO. Whoulda thunk it... I'm kinda floored by it all, but hey. It's about survival at this point.
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