How Can I Stop My Wife Seeing OM

[ConflictedGuy27]

So this morning I called up the family and sang like a canary. I told them that I was pretty much done & told them why.

 

Needless to say they were floored.

My Wife's mom made arrangements to meet with my wife & I tonight. My mom-in law didn't disclose that she knew what was going on.

 

Within minutes my wife calls me and I'm like, ****..

I'm on the phone with my Sister-in-law and she says take the call & I do.

I basically break the NC situation from the last three days.

 

My wife asks "how have u been, we haven't talked in awhile."

I told her that opening up to her at this point is hard, but in a nutshell I had a good weekend. I asked about hers (I already knew she was partying in Vegas) and she said she went gambling.

 

I replied, "hmmm... Gambling's illegal in California" she just said, yeah... Not revealing she'd been in Vegas.

 

So she then says, I got a strange call from my mom.

I asked, "what about" and my wife said it's about her mom's health and she's going over tonight to talk about it.

 

I asked what do u think it's all about and she referenced previous medical issues that her mom has had in the past. In my gut I think she knows what's going on here.

 

I asked if shed like me to come by and she said "I wouldn't mind if you did"

Basically, now that the family knows where I'm at, they don't want me to give up & divorce her.

 

It's going to be an emotionally crazy night tonight...

I'll be bringing the divorce papers with me tonight (my sister-in-law mentioned I should in case my wife is hardlined).

 

Any advise before I enter the lion's den??

[Gunny376]

Hold the line! No surrender! No retreat! There's no backing nor no way out now!

 

Let Mr. Reallity, Vinnie and tha' Boys with their Louiville Sluggers do the rest.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Hold the line! No surrender! No retreat! There's no backing nor no way out now!

 

Let Mr. Reallity, Vinnie and tha' Boys with their Louiville Sluggers do the rest.

 

Man it's gonna get VERY real tonight. An actual

set of consequences for her actions...

 

Somehow I'm expecting the reaction of a cat mobbed into a corner. I know I shouldn't be but I'm a little amused by what's going to go down. It'll hurt if I have to serve her the papers in front of the family tonight, but damn... She may leave me no choice.

 

A friend of mine asked me to expect the possibility that shell put on a show for her mom and family, cave, then retaliate against me behind closed doors. A part of me hopes we can get thru to her, but when I use my head and review the facts, it's clear she detonated a nuke all over this M.

 

Sheesh. I'll be sure to post anupdate after the skirmish.

[sumdude]

You did what you had to do. Now remember this..from now on do not try to use her family to get to her. In fact after the exposure of the affair you should talk with them as little as possible. In the end blood runs thicker.

[Gunny376]

You did what you had to do. Now remember this..from now on do not try to use her family to get to her. In fact after the exposure of the affair you should talk with them as little as possible. In the end blood runs thicker.

 

Double quote that! When you drop the bomb on her ~ these people are no longer a part of your circle of influence!

[new_soul]

Reading about your situation brings so much memory back. I was in a very similar situation at the beginning of Jan. My advice to you is give yourself a deadline of how long you are going to try to fix this. Give her another two weeks and try everything that you can to make things work. After those two weeks just basically flip the script and cut all contact with her and when she calls just ignore her (That's going to be hard to do).

 

Remember that she left and if she is going to come back it's not going to be because of what you tell her but it's going to be because she either misses you or is missing something. From what you are saying she is selfish just like my ex. If she ever decides to come back make sure that's really what you want and make her go to numerous sessions of therapy.

 

I am sorry to hear about your situation but it happens to a lot of people man. The best thing I did was to start dating other people to give me something new and exciting to do. You are lucky you don't have any kids. Women like that are the reason why man commit suicide and stupid crimes. I would stay away from her and if you really love her hope that she will change 2-3 years down the line. If it was meant to happen it's going to happen.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Having had 4 sessions of therapy myself over these past weeks, I know she needs some professional help before we would even have a shot @ moving forward.

 

I agree with the posts above that say she will change her tune tonight. She's been pretty hardline when directly confronted about fixing things between us but since I told her I'd actually file for a D, she introduced a hypothetical regarding recon.

 

Anything that gets her into counseling that addresses the underlying reason for the A is a good thing IMO. I know that anything less is a lost cause and plus, way more than just individual counseling would be required - couples counseling, etc would be necessary.

 

However, as far as the easy road is concerned - she's seen how EASY immediate gratification could be in her affair(s), which means slipping back is EASY, not to mention how attractive it would look to just say f*** it and party.

 

Either way this goes tonight, I can hold my head high and say I tried (truly) to save my W and my M. We'll see how this goes.

[Gunny376]

You've got your 'thinking' on the right track that's for sure!

[ConflictedGuy27]

Here's the update. My STBX was very hard lined and lied her ass off last night. Sure there were a few tears here and there but no violent sobbing or remorseful conversation. The opposite took place in front of the family.

 

She said marrying me was a total mistake; that she felt bored and neglected for 6 months; and admitted to everyone that, yup she's seeing someone else but he is not her boyfriend.

 

My God u should have seen her mom and family, they were floored with how she could just say all that - I have to say Im not completely suprised.

 

So my in laws were like, please don't serve her papers yet, you need to give it time and all that. I appreciate they're in the shock and awe phase of all this, but they heard with their own ears.

 

Remember I mentioned making financial moves on Sunday, turning off credit cards and moving savings to safety? Heheh. Well guess who found out the hard way. Yup, my STBX

 

I get a call later that eve bitching, "why doesnt this particular card work?!" I say CAUSE WERE GETTING A D, that's why!

 

She went off like, I can't beleive you'd do that w/o telling me, we agreed to communicate regarding finances, etc. The conversation got heated and I argued back. It was in interesting fight cause she let on that I had the power in the financial arena - I managed our finances afterall.

 

She's like, you don't want to mess with me and I'll move my paycheck to direct deposit into my own acct! I say "is that what you really want to do?" I ask her, and she says "No! But I feel like you're breaking our deal..."

 

I told her to calm down and listen. I said, were getting divorced and you're GOING to see changes, understand that!

 

Then she said, well it WAS my plan to come home on Tuesday but now I'm not so sure; because what you did was totally f***ed up! (she was on E trying to gas up then the cards got denied).

 

Mind u, in this argument she was communicating on a level that was WAY more effective than the meeting with the family. I was amazed at the tonevi was hearing - genuine worry.

 

I told her if u want to understand how this is going to go down, come by on tuesday night and I'll fill u in on the next step. I left it @ that.

 

I kept asking her too, "you sound angry, are you angry?? Cause I'm not going to talk to you unless you calm down... You cool now?" yes I'm calm, she said. Interesting.

 

I got a text from her later that night saying "good night" around 11 yesterday. I didn't respond of course. It's funny how it becomes real to the cake eaters when they're caught by suprise financially. She kept asking me to admit that cutting off cards was an F'd up move. We all see the irony so I won't comment on that...

 

My plan now is to do the follwing: (1)

hire a process server to bring her the papers tomorrow; & (2) show up @ my house around 11ish PM (way to late to discuss finances, I'll just posepone - "let's talk about it Thursday or something, it's late...").

 

Meanwhile she'll be served on Wednesday and she'll get another dose of reality.

[CM2009]

Here's the update. My STBX was very hard lined and lied her ass off last night. Sure there were a few tears here and there but no violent sobbing or remorseful conversation. The opposite took place in front of the family.

 

She said marrying me was a total mistake; that she felt bored and neglected for 6 months; and admitted to everyone that, yup she's seeing someone else but he is not her boyfriend.

 

My God u should have seen her mom and family, they were floored with how she could just say all that - I have to say Im not completely suprised.

 

So my in laws were like, please don't serve her papers yet, you need to give it time and all that. I appreciate they're in the shock and awe phase of all this, but they heard with their own ears.

 

Remember I mentioned making financial moves on Sunday, turning off credit cards and moving savings to safety? Heheh. Well guess who found out the hard way. Yup, my STBX

 

I get a call later that eve bitching, "why doesnt this particular card work?!" I say CAUSE WERE GETTING A D, that's why!

 

She went off like, I can't beleive you'd do that w/o telling me, we agreed to communicate regarding finances, etc. The conversation got heated and I argued back. It was in interesting fight cause she let on that I had the power in the financial arena - I managed our finances afterall.

 

She's like, you don't want to mess with me and I'll move my paycheck to direct deposit into my own acct! I say "is that what you really want to do?" I ask her, and she says "No! But I feel like you're breaking our deal..."

 

I told her to calm down and listen. I said, were getting divorced and you're GOING to see changes, understand that!

 

Then she said, well it WAS my plan to come home on Tuesday but now I'm not so sure; because what you did was totally f***ed up! (she was on E trying to gas up then the cards got denied).

 

Mind u, in this argument she was communicating on a level that was WAY more effective than the meeting with the family. I was amazed at the tonevi was hearing - genuine worry.

 

I told her if u want to understand how this is going to go down, come by on tuesday night and I'll fill u in on the next step. I left it @ that.

 

I kept asking her too, "you sound angry, are you angry?? Cause I'm not going to talk to you unless you calm down... You cool now?" yes I'm calm, she said. Interesting.

 

I got a text from her later that night saying "good night" around 11 yesterday. I didn't respond of course. It's funny how it becomes real to the cake eaters when they're caught by suprise financially. She kept asking me to admit that cutting off cards was an F'd up move. We all see the irony so I won't comment on that...

 

My plan now is to do the follwing: (1)

hire a process server to bring her the papers tomorrow; & (2) show up @ my house around 11ish PM (way to late to discuss finances, I'll just posepone - "let's talk about it Thursday or something, it's late...").

 

Meanwhile she'll be served on Wednesday and she'll get another dose of reality.

 

Wow I jumped on here this morning just to read what happend last night, good job though bro. I did a few of those things when my STBX was on that bs.... Stay strong she's gonna break soon!!!

[ConflictedGuy27]

For those of you still following along, let me say 2 things:

 

1. Thank you; &

2. The latest regarding my situation is all posted up in the infidelity section at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=223103&page=2

 

Please check that thread and I appreciate the support.

This is far from over.

[floridapad]

Conflicted.

 

The only way to take the luster off of an affair is to EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE. That's it. If you plan on filing divorce anyways why not expose now. It is a game changer. It is the easiest way to bring the affair to light. Don't wait until after the divorce thats pointless. I waited too long to expose my W's affair but when I did the thing ended quickly and the luster of the fantasy world was gone. She will have to deal with a lot of Sh8T from her parents etc and it is not good. Is the OM married? If so tell her as well. If he is single then he really has nothing to lose. Tell HIS parents he is cheating with a married woman. You really need to let everyone know that adultery is being committed.

[onedayatatyme]

This sounds very similar to my situation. Significant differences, we've been married 7 years and have two kids. That makes the destruction of the marriage much more painful. Like you, though, it came out of nowhere for me and so fast that it was all so surreal.

 

When I found out at OM, I made a promise/threat to her that anything she admitted to me confidentially would remain a secret between us and anything I had to find out by investigating, I would share with whoever I damn well pleased. She promised to break it off while she figured out what she wanted. This was also an exit affair, I think she was ready to walk by the time she started the affair.

 

Anyway, three weeks later I caught her at his appartment, so I wasted no time at all telling the entire freaking world and cutting her off financially. I texted her and politely asked her to move out and that my mom was already on her way to town to help me with the kids.

 

Two days later she's leaving messages begging for another chance. so I give it to her. That was on January 31st. Her promise to give this marriage 500% lasted all of two days. I ended up lying to her about something relatively minor (because I was affraid of her reaction) and that was all it took to dissolve her new-found devotion. Now the tables are turned again and I'm mulling over whether it's time to talk to an attorney.

 

I don't know if she's with OM or not again. If so, then it is really deep under cover now and she's doing an excellent job of hiding it. I'll find out the truth eventually. I sort of doubt it because affairs do thrive in secrecy, as a previous poster pointed out. And now her entire family knows and is condemning her for her b.s.

[ConflictedGuy27]

This sounds very similar to my situation. Significant differences, we've been married 7 years and have two kids. That makes the destruction of the marriage much more painful. Like you, though, it came out of nowhere for me and so fast that it was all so surreal.

 

When I found out at OM, I made a promise/threat to her that anything she admitted to me confidentially would remain a secret between us and anything I had to find out by investigating, I would share with whoever I damn well pleased. She promised to break it off while she figured out what she wanted. This was also an exit affair, I think she was ready to walk by the time she started the affair.

 

Anyway, three weeks later I caught her at his appartment, so I wasted no time at all telling the entire freaking world and cutting her off financially. I texted her and politely asked her to move out and that my mom was already on her way to town to help me with the kids.

 

Two days later she's leaving messages begging for another chance. so I give it to her. That was on January 31st. Her promise to give this marriage 500% lasted all of two days. I ended up lying to her about something relatively minor (because I was affraid of her reaction) and that was all it took to dissolve her new-found devotion. Now the tables are turned again and I'm mulling over whether it's time to talk to an attorney.

 

I don't know if she's with OM or not again. If so, then it is really deep under cover now and she's doing an excellent job of hiding it. I'll find out the truth eventually. I sort of doubt it because affairs do thrive in secrecy, as a previous poster pointed out. And now her entire family knows and is condemning her for her b.s.

 

I agree that it's time to take action in your situation. Talk to an attorney if you feel u need to. In my case she asked for the divorce and seems to be cooperative at this point so I filed against her, served her and had a date set to begin mediation.

 

Mediation works cause we don't have a ton of $$, much less money to burn. It's a cliche around here when people say to protect your interests and take care of yourself, but it's a MUST!

 

Even better, when you take control, stop giving a sh** how she feels and plow full speed towards divorce, their behavior really begins to CHANGE.

 

I'm hoping that I can heal enough to reject her when she returns because I believe the pace at which I'm moving towards ending this is starting to effect my STBX.

 

Like me, you too must plow forward, espicially if she went back to the OM in 2 days (and make no mistake, that's where she is... Affairs are like a powerful, powerful drug).

 

Bring it on her fast and aggressive, then once you've got business handled, go 100% NC. That's my play.

[tnttim]

The best way to stop her is an easy three step process:

 

1) Expose affair, let her know you know

2) Stop caring about what your wife does, especially with OM

3) File for divorce ASAP

 

This works for both sides of the coin, divorce or reconciliation.