ConflictedGuy27 Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 (edited) First of all, let me say that much of the advice I've seen given here at LS is top notch. Which is why I'm looking for some help. I'll try to keep this as to the point as possible. My wife and I have been married for 3 years (aniversary was on 2/24); she's 26 and i'm 27; and since January I've been going through torture - she asked for a divorce on 1/23/10. She basically said that needs to find herself, that we don't do many exciting things together, that we've basically grown apart, and she basically feels trapped in the relationship. While this "discussion" was going on, she was crying, as I was too. She seemed really sincere, as she was not yelling or anything. I was obviously shocked - as I thought our marriage wasn't in this much trouble... In any event I try to keep her talking, to find a way that we could resolve this situation like any other conflict we've had in the past. I should mention that we got into a fight the previous week about how we don't do new stuff (she's been wanting a tattoo also); as a result of that fight we made this list of new things to do in 2010 - all was very new, pretty exciting stuff (i.e. skydiving, learning to ride motorcycles, ziplining, etc.) Back to the D day talk: So I say to her, I don't understand, we just put this list together a few days ago - we can do that stuff. Why do you want to end our marriage? She just kept saying that she's thought long and hard about it and over about 2 years she's been unhappy... She swore there was no OM, but that was not the case... Basically we end the conversation and I'm just... omg, devestated. So I ask her later that day, "you know what, if you really want to do some new stuff together, lets accelerate our list..." I signed us up for motorcycle training that day. I also started looking around for skydiving places. She liked those ideas. The following week she was very cold. She would get home from work anywhere between 9pm - 1am, claiming that there was an after work happy hour or something and had to go. She works in an office w/ a lot of professional twenty somethings. When she did get home and came to bed she would usually be in a sweater an sweat pants - don't touch me clothes. When I would try to cuddle up to her, she wasn't having it and also, she began sleeping with her cell phone... Keeping it very out of sight... We all see the signs at this point... She would wake up before me and sit up thinking in the mornings and in the shower she would just stand there with the faucet showering her head; I thought she was either severely stressed out at work, or depressed. (I imagine that was intense guilt... She probably started sleeping with OM about this time) After seeing this day in and day out for a week I started waking up with her and showering with her - washing her back, comforting her, etc. I saw that she was very "well groomed" in that area, which was something she usually only did for me, from time to time... That was a huge red flag for me. Anyway we do some skydiving and start motorcycles at the tail end of January, we had fun, but she was still coming home late and was very withdrawn emotionally - she wouldn't let me really touch her or kiss her, let alone have sex... In the begining of February I get really suspicious and start snooping around on the computer and stuff. I find that she's blocked her wall from me on Facebook, and even worse I instant messaging transcripts where she's calling some dude "Sweetheart" and saying **** like "We're perfect together, you sweep me off my feet everytime we go out"... I went numb after reading all this ****... The next night she gets home and I don't jump down her throat... Instead I start taking our pictures of us from around our condo and boxing them up. I run into our wedding video and watch it and damn was it beautiful. Anyway, I figure, maybe this video can get through to her. When she gets home (around 11:30) I ask her to watch the video with me and afterward I had a confession to make to her. When I turned it on, she didn't know what we were watching and she started to cry some. I just rubbed her leg. I love my wife and just wanted this **** to stop. After the video I get down in front of her and tell her, "don't ask me how I know, but I know deep down in my heart that you're having an affair... I don't need you to admit it, I just need it to stop, right now. You need to stop it and we need to get into marriage counseling tomorrow. What do you say?" She said, "can I think about it..." Sheeeeit... The next day I'm not so easy going. She comes home again after 11pm and when I get her cornered I start asking questions based on the evidence I had. I basically saw the OM's facebook, etc. So I have names and stuff. I asked her if she was having an affair directly again, she denied it; I asked her about the OM by name (a coworker) and she denied the affair... At that point she started getting hostle and said she would take her clothes and leave if I was going to keep going on about this... I basically backed down, because I didn't want her to leave. We went to sleep and that was the last day she came home for like a week at at time... During the week I would call her and text her, asking her where she's at and telling her that we need to talk about this and work it out. When I pursued that type of conversation it would usually end with, I want a divorce still. When I didn't bring it up, she would talk as though nothing was wrong. Yet she didn't come home at all. The first Saturday when she came back, I couldn't stand the sight of her face and left (we were suppose to go motorcycling together that day). When I got back around 7 hours later, the house was (uncharacteristcally clean - like spic and span and she did all my laundry, folded and put away...). I wanted to call and be like wtf? but I held out. We talked again during the week and she told me that she knows that I know about the OM and again I asked her if she could drop it and work it out with me. She then said, no, in so many words... Basically I would spend most of my time online looking up ways that I could fix this situation myself, but I doubt I can. She stayed away again during the week - she would claim at a girl friend's house. When she came back on Saturday she and I ended up laying on the couch together after she cooked some lunch for us. I didn't know what to make of this really... At this point I realize she's cake eating... She actually told me that she's been seeing someone, going on dates to theme parks and ****. I snooped around and found some of the photos too. I reached a point where I just hooked up with some friends out of town and stayed away all weekend, basically NC. Somehow she found out and decided to move back in for the weekdays, but it didn't take long for her to figure out that I was still wrapped around her little finger. After she figured that out, again she's back in the streets so to speak, not coming home. She's been asking for a divorce, yet she won't file it... Again, I don't think this is her intent. I think she wants to have her cake and eat it too, plus I'm convinced she thinks I won't do it. I went out last week and filed for a divorce but have not served her yet... I seriously don't want to divorce my wife but ****... she put me through so much. I was mildly depressed for the first week and managed to pull myself out of it and force myself to eat. (I lost 10lbs and look pretty good). As of this point, I haven't talked to her at all since Thursday. She'll pull this indirect communication BS, i.e. coming home and cleaning up, or doing chores, or taking the valentines day card I got her (that she just threw aside and texted me w/ a thank you) and put it up on the fireplace mantle... wtf? Her mom and our inlaws are completely unaware of all her BS... I told her I would tell them all and she said "no lets not do that until all the paperwork is finalized..." Such a ****ing cake eater. She even lied to her mother saying that we were together on Valentines day when she was actually out on a ****ing date... When I think with my head, I realize that this is likely a lost cause, but my heart just keeps on thinking we can get back together... When she's around in the mornings she sleeps over, I usually try to make a move and can get her in the shower pretty easily, but it never turns into sex or anything like that... We usually hug pretty passionately too. I definitely know that she's the one in power right now... and I ****ing hate it... Any advice on how I can either get the power back, or in general how I should proceed with this? Again I have the divorce papers in my back pocket... (thanks for reading this long post) Edited February 28, 2010 by ConflictedGuy27
threebyfate Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Send her a heartbreaking email about "how can she do this to your marriage, how can she get involved with [insert name of OM] and destroy your marriage?". Get her to acknowledge she's having an affair, in writing, then blow this entire thing wide open by telling everyone about the affair. As well, get a divorce lawyer ASAP and sue for divorce.
2sunny Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 show her truth. serve her the papers and call her family. let her live with the reality of what she has created. do not defend her position... stay true to the facts and allow them to ask her the questions directly - she needs to be the one that does the explaining of her bad behavior. do not reward bad behavior - keep her at bay. change the locks. she ought to start getting the message pretty quick - and this will allow you to start healing.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 I was thinking very strongly about the idea of telling her parents and our family... That's such a big part of all of this - we're all so close. If they were to find out, she would be so freaking exposed - not to mention pissed off at me. At this point, I just want her to see the truth of what she's doing... She's destroyed so much so freaking fast, its amazing to me. At this point I've initiated NC, however, I know that once I serve her with paper's she's going to contact me and talk about, should I get a lawyer or whatever? I don't even want to help her out... I'd rather just go to mediation. (that's my brain talking) What my heart says is, shock her ass by showing her that I'm willing to pull the trigger. I don't want to divorce her remember... I would do anything to get her back, even though she's totally playing me for a fool... It's just not right. One more thing. We're still very much financially entangled. She has access to all accounts as do I. Right now she's not doing anything crazy, a part of me really doubts she would... She would send me texts like, I'll be using the American Express for this purpose, or that. So she would give a heads up and it would usually be for a transaction I would normally be cool with... She seems conflicted. Likes the structure of our marriage and all it brings, yet she's out getting it on with other guys, wtf... I can't handle this. So far, I hear serve her the papers and tell the family. Anything else ladies and gents? I appreciate such quick feedback on this.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 Send her a heartbreaking email about "how can she do this to your marriage, how can she get involved with [insert name of OM] and destroy your marriage?". Get her to acknowledge she's having an affair, in writing, then blow this entire thing wide open by telling everyone about the affair. As well, get a divorce lawyer ASAP and sue for divorce. Is this more for me moving forward by myself, or more for the shock and awe that may get her to stop doing what she's doing? I think it may be a bit of both. One of the reasons I filed for divorce was because I know I can always dismiss the lawsuit myself... I guess I'm still leaning towards reconcillation, which doesn't even seem to be an option at this point. She's basically having her cake and eating it too.
anne1707 Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Reconciliation is possible but only if she wants it too and will be completely honest with you. Can I also suggest that you re-post in the Infidelity forum - you might find you get more feedback and support there.
threebyfate Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Is this more for me moving forward by myself, or more for the shock and awe that may get her to stop doing what she's doing? I think it may be a bit of both. One of the reasons I filed for divorce was because I know I can always dismiss the lawsuit myself... I guess I'm still leaning towards reconcillation, which doesn't even seem to be an option at this point. She's basically having her cake and eating it too.Don't waste anymore time and energy trying to get her out of her affair fog. Let her go but most importantly, make certain your own arse is covered, so she can't take you to the cleaners. If you share joint accounts, split them evenly 50/50, so she can't suck you dry.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 Reconciliation is possible but only if she wants it too and will be completely honest with you. Can I also suggest that you re-post in the Infidelity forum - you might find you get more feedback and support there. Thanks Anne. I will repost in Infidelity; I could use all the help I can get...
hopesndreams Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Do not be available to meet any of her needs anymore. Let her get that from OM. Thus far, you have made everything just too easy for her and you are dead right about her being a cake-eater. Expose the A. Once the A is exposed to the light it will usually just whither and die. Affairs thrive in secrecy. They're fun! Of course she will be po'd that you took her fun away but as long as there is another man in the picture, the M is doomed anyway. Even if you could get her back, she is now a cheater. An untrustworthy, weak minded, selfish individual. She has broke your heart cruelly and you have been rewarding her. This must stop. She has been stringing you along, disrespecting you and does not care. Her world is now the OM and you, well you are just getting in her way of true "happiness". Pack up her stuff, expose the A. Unless she has true remorse and desires to right the wrongs, the M is over. She is no longer the woman you once knew. Go NC, which you say you are now doing, she needs to miss you. As long as you are there for showers or whatever, it only pushes her further away, it will not draw her closer to you.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 Do not be available to meet any of her needs anymore. Let her get that from OM. Thus far, you have made everything just too easy for her and you are dead right about her being a cake-eater. Expose the A. Once the A is exposed to the light it will usually just whither and die. Affairs thrive in secrecy. They're fun! Of course she will be po'd that you took her fun away but as long as there is another man in the picture, the M is doomed anyway. Even if you could get her back, she is now a cheater. An untrustworthy, weak minded, selfish individual. She has broke your heart cruelly and you have been rewarding her. This must stop. She has been stringing you along, disrespecting you and does not care. Her world is now the OM and you, well you are just getting in her way of true "happiness". Pack up her stuff, expose the A. Unless she has true remorse and desires to right the wrongs, the M is over. She is no longer the woman you once knew. Go NC, which you say you are now doing, she needs to miss you. As long as you are there for showers or whatever, it only pushes her further away, it will not draw her closer to you. Thanks for this post. I'm glad you pointed out that I stand to gain nothing or lose anything extra by exposing this stupid affair of hers. Hell, there may be more than the one i'm aware of, who knows... Its just amazing to me when I stand back and look at how she blew it all up in a matter of mere weeks... WEEKS. And you're right that she can not be trusted anymore... what a pain all this is...
Steadfast Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 (edited) ...one more thing. We're still very much financially entangled. She has access to all accounts as do I. Right now she's not doing anything crazy, a part of me really doubts she would... She would send me texts like, I'll be using the American Express for this purpose, or that... That's why she hasn't filed. At this point, it's all about using the financial foundation and you two have established to her continued benefit. Understand that she probably feels somewhat justified in doing this, especially with you coddling her at every opportunity. Cake-eating. Do you see this? It's vital to seek an attorney for protection. Now. If they were to find out, she would be so freaking exposed - not to mention pissed off at me. This is often the problem with sudden, or recent breakup. You are still 'playing by the rules' but she isn't. It is a simple case of fairness at this point. From now forward, you must mentally train yourself to not worry about her repercussions of what's in your best interests. It is a process, but she has given up the right to express personal anger. That is reserved for your lover or wife. She has rejected it. Yes, she will be angry. She will tell you that she's glad you're divorcing because you're a jerk. She might even tell you the OM is a bigger/better man than you. When (not if, when) this happens, calmly tell her you are only reacting to her unpredictability and frankly, need to protect yourself. It'll pass and in time, she'll grudgingly accept that you're not her doormat and honest respect will return. This is truth from experience. If you need to grow some balls, grow them. Do not worry about pissing her off and losing her for good. She's already gone. A show of strength and independence is your only hope for even an improved dialog at this point. Stand firm, but display control always. Finally, I'd pass on the telling everyone or exposing. Let them find out from her or on their own. Let her explain it. Just file, separate your assets, let her go and move on. Move if you can. Change your number. Go away. If you are forced to communicate, take my advice and just be nice. You might have to fake it at first, but pretty soon it'll come naturally. No matter what. Just be nice. Keep us posted, OK? Stay strong and be kind to yourself- Edited March 1, 2010 by Steadfast
sally4sara Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Dude..... You could be out skydiving and ziplining and building a life with someone you love. Instead you're going through mental anguish over being betrayed and a bunch of unnecessary hassle. Why do you want to still be married to someone this dysfunctional? What were your reasons for marrying her in the first place? Is she displaying ANY of these qualities anymore? And three years in - THIS is where she wants the two of you to be? No fortitude, no integrity, no productivity, no honor, no love... What are you getting out of your spouse that is worth keeping?
CM2009 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Wow why does your situation sounds so similar to mines and my STBX, imma tell u like this bro take care of you, go NC and change the locks. Move on with your life go out with friends. When you see her make sure your as positive as can be even though I know u wanna snap at her. I'm telling you things that I should've done.....
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 Excellent comments from all so far. Steadfast, you've really got me thinking. Your advise to consult an attorney asap and not to reveal to the family are things I'll focus on this eve. I got some advice where I was told she's not seeing ANY real consequenses for her actions. I believe this to be true, which is why I favor telling the family. She'll be exposed then. Sure this move doesn't really add much to my situation but it sure diminishes a bit of hers. It's the vengence play I suppose. I see your point tho. For those of you that say be nice, I get that too, as she could really drive up the entire expense of this whole matter if she becomes vindictive. As much as I want to change the locks, locking her out would trigger some form or retaliation, perhaps an attack on the finances... I don't know. But what I do know is I don't want her playing games with the money... Period. I think that's where I draw the line and go to war.
Steadfast Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I hear you. Go as your head and heart tell you, but... One decision by you will lead to a reaction by her. If she senses you've taken the flower off your lapel, she might start to worry. She'll reach out, try to feel the situation out, maybe be extra nice. You won't respond as expected. More worry. She'll tell her friends, or the OM, or both, they'll start to advise... ...if they haven't already. Do you recognize what you're up against? Forget retaliation. Forget revenge and drama. Those are fools gold. My point to you is to inject a batch of realism into the situation, not games. Think fair, act fair. Bitterness is a poison that'll make you sick in the head and heart. Reject it and focus on being clear and doing what's right. Self control is attractive and it's something she has very little of in her life now. Reject the instinct to inflict punishment. The price she'll pay for her actions is far greater, far more powerful than anything you can muster. Get out of the way and let it happen. Don't get dragged down with it. Get free. Voices of experience are talking to you here my friend. Listen to them-
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 Sage words, Steadfast. I will focus on your advise before I make any moves. I can tell you're speaking from experience; as most are on LS (which is why I'm here). I'll be sure to post my next move. Please keep the good advice coming; it is very much appreciated.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 I read about the types of affairs known as Exit Affairs and that's what I'm dealing with I believe. It doesn't really matter at this point. What's interesting is that I'm emotionally unmoved by this. I just realize what has to be done. Ever see that old flick Old Yeller?? This period of my life is like that scene in Old Yeller where the older brother grabs his rifle and has to blow away the family Golden Retreiver. Yeah, they loved the dog, but it was out of control - had rabies I believe. Basically I've picked up my rifle and am fully preparred to put my M out of it's misery - she's already more than killed it IMHO. Whoulda thunk it... I'm kinda floored by it all, but hey. It's about survival at this point.
2sunny Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 hugs CG- this is tough. can't do anything if she's unwilling to participate. only thing to do now is take care of yourself and find new ways to understand how to be happy.
Gunny376 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Yea I'm a divorce Vet, went through it twenty years ago, back before there were computers, the Internet, forums. Only books, and back then there was only Waldenbooks ~ no Barnes and Nobles or Books A Million mega stores. No Amazon. I've read a lot of books about men & women, relationships, marriage, dating and mating. Seduction, sex, cross gender communication. The marriage you had? Is dead, done and gone. There's no such thing as getting it back. The marriage you could have with the DW? That's another chapter in your life. The one that cares the least? Controls the relationship. That my friend would not be you. You want the wife back? Then you've got to re-define the relationship and who is in control of the relationship. That means going DefCon4 and filing and following through with the divorce. She's not going to snap out of the affair fog until she wakes up and realize what she's going to lose by being with the OM, and realizing that all she really is to the OM is a piece of tail. Another notch on the bed post. Now that I'm single, making more money than I've ever made in my life, my children are grown, gone and on on their own? I've got nothing to worry about other than me, myself and I. I've got a nice paid up for ride, time on my hands, time to go to River Street in Savannah and party and have a good time. I've got a checking account in the five figures. I've got credit cards with zero balances. My point? The OM is out for nothing more than a piece of tail and a good time. He's playing her. And she's buying it hook line and sinker. When she see's that she's about to have a world of hurt come down on her? She'll see things in a different light. I live in a college town, I wish tha' Hell I was 27 years old again. Marriage would be the last thing on my mind? If I was 27 and married where I'm living now? The wife told me she wanted a divorce? HELL YA!
Gunny376 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Sorry forgot to add? Divorce her, go no contact, ignore her, cut her off financially, get on with your Life, be (make yourself) happy and content, change the locks on the doors, get off of Facebook, etc The worse thing that happens to you? You've got to go out and find yourself someone new! DAMN THE BAD LUCK!
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 hugs CG- this is tough. can't do anything if she's unwilling to participate. only thing to do now is take care of yourself and find new ways to understand how to be happy. Thanks for those words Sunny. I know deep down that it's over and even better, I appreciate that I have to follow through with this and move forward. No more what if's, I see what is & have to deal w/ that reality.
Author ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 1, 2010 Author Posted March 1, 2010 Hey Gunny, thanks for your posts. I read them through a few times to really get your message. My M is dead, I realize this. It's true that the one who cares least is the one in control. It'll likely look like I don't care on the outside because I know this isn't a M worth salvaging even if that were an option. My wife has an underlying issue inside her and she needs help if she ever expects lasting happiness. She can't forgive and as a result she harbors anger, which festers and turns to resentment. Moreover she relies on others to make HER happy. What that means is she'll always be a ticking time bomb with regard to relationships. She will continue to jump from one guy to the next "pursuing happiness" until she's either dead or gets help. It's sad. Funny you mentioned Facebook, Gunny. I just removed her as a friend last night. Bottom line, I'm ready to finish this and move on.
In_Repair Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Then finish it, but protect yourself first. Don't change anything about the financial accounts themselves, just take half of the money out of them and open new accounts. Get printouts of the balance immediately before and after your withdrawal, that way you have proof and it keeps you from looking shifty should this get dragged into court. TELL EVERYONE. I tried to keep my wife's affair hidden at first, but it's in your best interest to let the cat out of the bag BEFORE it's officially over. If not, she will never admit the real reason for the failure of the marriage. She will pull the OM out a couple of months after she leaves and tell everyone that she started seeing him AFTER you guys split up. The problems in the marriage will get pinned on you, and the OM will be seen as the "nice guy" that she started seeing after she escaped from the hell that you had her trapped in. I'd pack all of her **** up and deliver it to the OM's front door step, then change the locks on your house.
Steadfast Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 TELL EVERYONE. I tried to keep my wife's affair hidden at first, but it's in your best interest to let the cat out of the bag BEFORE it's officially over. If not, she will never admit the real reason for the failure of the marriage. She will pull the OM out a couple of months after she leaves and tell everyone that she started seeing him AFTER... You gave great advice in the first and last paragraphs, but I do not agree with this part. Yes, it's likely she'll twist the truth to her benefit, but so what? Let it happen...because in time the truth will come out and when it does, everyone will know 'CGuy27' acted honorably. That is to say, I'd rather have long-term honor and respect that short term validation.
reboot Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 You gave great advice in the first and last paragraphs, but I do not agree with this part. Yes, it's likely she'll twist the truth to her benefit, but so what? Let it happen...because in time the truth will come out and when it does, everyone will know 'CGuy27' acted honorably. That is to say, I'd rather have long-term honor and respect that short term validation. What is honorable about protecting her honor (of which she has none)? In_Repair is right. Expose them.
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