Quick poll -- being asked to coffee/tea for lunchbreak = interest or friendliness?

[Vertex]

I want to take some risks here but I want to make sure I send the right signals. I have this problem of coming across as purely friendly because I don't know how to flirt at all. There's a girl who doesn't work far from me that I met last night -- I want to keep contact going... if someone asked you out to coffee/tea during lunch hour in this sort of situation, would you interpret it as interest or just a friendly gesture?

[Pizzaman81]

I want to take some risks here but I want to make sure I send the right signals. I have this problem of coming across as purely friendly because I don't know how to flirt at all. There's a girl who doesn't work far from me that I met last night -- I want to keep contact going... if someone asked you out to coffee/tea during lunch hour in this sort of situation, would you interpret it as interest or just a friendly gesture?

 

Whether you give off the impression of being friendly or interest, it's in a positive direction. If you were a jerk, it'd be in a negative direction.

 

Just ask her out for coffee, talk with her, etc. If she's interested in you, doesn't matter if you give off the impression of being friendly, you can just meet her again, and again, and again... after like 3 times, she can figure out you are interested. But you can flirt a bit, it's ok we're all adults

 

Good Luck!

[DustySaltus]

Go for coffee and ask a lot of questions about her, compliment her on how she looks and just be yourself...she'll let you know whether you're heading in the right direction or not. Good luck.

[xpaperxcutx]

It means she at least wants a one-on- one to get to know you better. Sometimes talking over coffee/tea is an effective for people to see if they can develop something more or just remain on friendly terms with each other.

[marsle85]

 

Just ask her out for coffee, talk with her, etc. If she's interested in you, doesn't matter if you give off the impression of being friendly, you can just meet her again, and again, and again... after like 3 times, she can figure out you are interested.

 

 

I don't like this! Do not just drag the fake friendship along until she realizes "maybe we should be more!" There is nothing more fun and exciting than being pursued by a guy you're interested in. You're taking away the special, sexy vibe that you COULD be generating! Take her for a coffee and catch her vibe. If you think she may be piqued, be bold. You have the power here. Tell her she's interesting and you'd like to see her again.

[threebyfate]

If this happened with a co-worker, I would automatically consider it either friendly or an off-site business meeting.

 

Vertex, why are you doing this coffee/tea thing? It's really not an intimate or romantic environment and leaves so much room for ambiguity.

[Vertex]

If this happened with a co-worker, I would automatically consider it either friendly or an off-site business meeting.

 

Vertex, why are you doing this coffee/tea thing? It's really not an intimate or romantic environment and leaves so much room for ambiguity.

 

I am not very good at dating when it comes to getting my foot in the door with someone... what would you suggest as a better alternative?

[threebyfate]

I am not very good at dating when it comes to getting my foot in the door with someone... what would you suggest as a better alternative?

Here's a paraphrased example from a man who wasn't ambiguous. He turned the conversation towards good restaurants and then injected this:

 

"There's a great little restaurant called [insert name]. It's getting rave reviews so I want to try it. Have you tried it? No? How about Saturday night?"

[Vertex]

Thing is, I've been to restaurants with girls one-on-one like that and it's STILL friendly.

[threebyfate]

Okay, so it's less about the environment and more about the ability to flirt. Do you ever gently tease or compliment women?

[Vertex]

Almost never. I'm not very good at it, heh. I feel like anything I say/tease about/compliment would come across as too obvious.

[threebyfate]

Vertex, watch some of the flirtatious guys on LS. Then practice here. Just be careful not to go off-topic and you'll be fine. There are a number of old members who tried this with some success.

[Vertex]

I should rephrase. I do lightly tease, but it's usually only way down the line after friendship has been pretty established. It's easier to tease someone when you know how receptive they are to it and what is "acceptable" to tease about.

[Ruby Slippers]

I should rephrase. I do lightly tease, but it's usually only way down the line after friendship has been pretty established. It's easier to tease someone when you know how receptive they are to it and what is "acceptable" to tease about.

Yep, you're going to have to turn up the heat. Nothing grabs a woman's attention like being flirted with by a guy she finds alluring. Any sincere compliment or friendly tease is acceptable. You've got to stop worrying so much about what's right or acceptable and just go for it. If it's not cool with her, she will let you know. You have to assume that she wants you and go from there. If she doesn't, no biggie, her loss.

 

Learn how to flirt and pursue. If you're doing that right, it doesn't really matter where your date is.

[Vertex]

Yep, you're going to have to turn up the heat. Nothing grabs a woman's attention like being flirted with by a guy she finds alluring. Any sincere compliment or friendly tease is acceptable. You've got to stop worrying so much about what's right or acceptable and just go for it. If it's not cool with her, she will let you know. You have to assume that she wants you and go from there. If she doesn't, no biggie, her loss.

 

Learn how to flirt and pursue. If you're doing that right, it doesn't really matter where your date is.

 

The other problem is that I don't want to be too obvious and tarnish a potential friendship, either. I'd rather have a friend than a non-friend as a result of making things weird by hitting on them. I know it's a necessary risk, but that's why I tend to be patient when it comes to testing the waters. The problem is that waiting it out so long is like auto-entrance to friend zone. It just feels like there's always a sacrifice involved (unless of course it all works out) -- but it's hard to figure out the right balance when inexperienced.

[spiderowl]

I wouldn't know whether you were just being friendly or if there was interest. I would wonder because my colleagues don't usually ask me to coffee but then again that's because we all sit together in a group. If someone from another group asked me, I'd wonder and I'd be waiting for some other signal that he had an interest. If I didn't get another signal (say, asking if I'd like to meet up outside work one evening), I'd be careful to treat him strictly as a friend for fear of crossing a boundary.

 

I've been in this position of a guy suggesting I go along to an activity club he enjoys. He mentioned it a few times and I wondered whether he was just being friendly or what. (I really liked him too!) But, the activity wasn't something I'd do so I had to say it was not really my thing. He didn't suggest an alternative so that was that. I really wish he'd been more obvious about his interest and I wish he'd suggested an alternative or more open sort of activity like going to something musical (sigh).

[Vertex]

Do you think it'd be a bad idea to FB msg her and ask her about her work? She used to work at my firm and now works at a partner firm (I had asked her what she did in NY and we discovered that we also used to even work on the same floor/same building/same firm -- she left like a week before I joined).

 

I just need advice for a decent in here.

[alphamale]

-- I want to keep contact going... if someone asked you out to coffee/tea during lunch hour in this sort of situation, would you interpret it as interest or just a friendly gesture?

no, you want to go for the dinner date

[Vertex]

But would it be a bad idea to break the ice and just kickstart some form of dialogue/contact in this way?

[Vertex]

This is the message I am thinking of sending (edited to prevent googlage). The problem is that, as you can see, it's all... friendly. Any advice?

 

 

Hey! It was nice to meet you last night -- I never did get a chance to talk more to you about (name of firm). I just moved here so it's all fairly new to me still. Did you enjoy working there? What all do you do at (name of new firm she just joined like a week or two ago)?

[marsle85]

No. Do not do that. That basis of conversation is purely platonic and has no suggestive nature to it. While you can talk about work on a date, don't start it off like that! I think what you do in the beginning highly indicates what sort of interest you have. I repeat, DON'T SEND THAT MESSAGE. If you insist on sharding your power of mystery and talking to her right now- ask questions about herself. Something personal and don't give her the impression that the reason why you're talking to her is "poor me... i'm new" No! You have to put your mind into the mindstate of "PURSUER!"

[Vertex]

Eh too late, I already sent it.

 

I don't know what kind of personal questions are typically appropriate, you know?

[alphamale]

Hey! It was nice to meet you last night -- I never did get a chance to talk more to you about (name of firm). I just moved here so it's all fairly new to me still. Did you enjoy working there? What all do you do at (name of new firm she just joined like a week or two ago)?

No this would have been better:

 

Hi xxxxx:

It was really nice meeting you last nite. I didn't get a chance to ask you but if you're free next weekend for dinner i would love to take you out. I thought you were really pretty and would love to learn more.

Vertex

[Vertex]

No this would have been better:

 

Hi xxxxx:

It was really nice meeting you last nite. I didn't get a chance to ask you but if you're free next weekend for dinner i would love to take you out. I thought you were really pretty and would love to learn more.

Vertex

 

See, for me, that's so so so direct. I can't just shoot something like that off. We really didn't get much chance to talk last night but she seemed really intelligent, funny, cute, etc -- I don't want to scare her off, especially given my silent treatment in the club last night in general.

[Ruby Slippers]

Vertex, it sounds like you're afraid of rejection. You need to get over that. Really, who cares if she rejects you? Like I said, her loss. You gotta go for it!