anaisherenow Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 my fiancé and i have known each other since we were fourteen and have been dating since we were sixteen. we're both 21 now. well, recently we graduated from college (same school, same major) (we both got in at 17...different country, different school year system), and he proposed. i obviously said yes. and i still mean that yes, but since then something has started to bother me... we're each other's first EVERYTHING. first holding hands, first kiss, first sexual experience... and since we've gotten together, we've been nearly inseparable and we haven't taken any "breaks" or even had any near breakups. i won't lie. have i ever been attracted to other people? yes. have i had relationship doubts? you bet! i have a diagnosed obsessive compulsive relationship anxiety and it's made it tough at times, especially at the beginning because it took a while for us to get into our rhythm. i'm very susceptible to the "what ifs" people subject me to. but he's ALWAYS been supportive of my ocd, my depression, my generalised anxiety disorder, and is so self-sacrificing to make me happy. he's so surprising - he comes from a wealthy and powerful local family and has never let the fact he's always had everything keep him from having strong morals. he's so respectful and just basically the best person i know. however, since our engagement some people have asked me if it ever bothers me how he's the only person i'll ever be with, the only person i have ever been with. my sister told me if you don't sow your wild oats before marriage, you end up doing it after. like it's some sort of phase everyone goes through. and it got me thinking... i have been attracted to other people and have at times wondered if i would be happy dating others. i'm only human. it came close to being "the grass is greener on the other side". but i've never developed a crush on anyone else or even had any serious enough interest to entertain breaking things off with him, aside from the gigs scare that i got over in time (thankfully!). i know that if it's meant to be, i can break things off, date around and it'll happen. HOWEVER, i also believe a person can be compatible with many people and has lifelong relationship potential with more than one person. what's to say he won't find someone else to be happy with? why would i risk it? i have ALREADY found "it" with him. we're best friends, we have such strong connections physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. i always think "wow, this is like magic" because it still takes me by surprise just how freaking compatible we are. we meet each other's every need - financial, sexual, emotional, you name it. he even meets almost all of my silly details for a "dream guy": tall, dark, and handsome, so freaking adorable, a swimmer, huge hands, curly hair, etc. and we're still that happily-in-love couple even now, five years later. in my mind, i would be a fool to give up this amazing, safe, and sure thing. but i guess my doubt is, for you more experienced relationship people, will i regret not having the chance to see "what else is out there" down the line? will i feel like i have missed out by having only been with ONE person ever?
BettyBoop Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 we're best friends, we have such strong connections physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. i always think "wow, this is like magic" because it still takes me by surprise just how freaking compatible we are. we meet each other's every need - financial, sexual, emotional, you name it....and we're still that happily-in-love couple even now, five years later. If I felt that way about someone - I would never let him go.
lordWilhelm Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 If you want to play the what-if game, ask youself what-if you break it off and then realize what you've given up? You should worry less about all these what-ifs and make a decision based on what you have.
ruthlessflower Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Don't listen to what anyone else says, this is about you and him, no one else. He might be your first but there are childhood sweethearts who have spent all their lives together. What if's are just that, what if? It's a thought that doesn't need to be acted on if it ruins something that is clearly working and happy.
DataJunkie Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 The only way to find out is to marry your fiance. It is a crap shoot either way. Y'all may grow closer together as you age or further apart. Anyhow, if you know it is right go for it. I married at 21 and we grew apart until a divorce ensued. My marriage was right for me at that time and I do not regret it.
klarish03 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 My idea is you are too young for marriage. Marriage is suppose to be an everlatsing commitment..Take your time...Don't rush into that 'jail'. Things are very different outside the 'marriage' ring. . Enjoy your moments outside that ring my dear:bunny:. On the other hand, marriage is very good thing only if you get a right man and at the right time:bunny:.
McWifey Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I wouldn't let him go! If you do, someone else will see what an amazing guy he is too... He sounds like a great guy, so i don't think your missing out on ANYTHING! it sounds like you have everything u need with him, don't lose that because u want to see what else is out there... You'll probably never find that much compatibility with anyone else...
Els Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I honestly think you should stay... but postpone the marriage. At 21, there's so much of life that you haven't experienced yet. I would go through a job or two, some crazy experiences, maybe travel around a bit, before settling down. You'd be amazed how life can change people, including yourself and him. If it truly was meant to be, you'd still be together in 4-5 years time, and then you can still marry. What's the rush?
Samantha0905 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 There's no way to know in advance. I met my husband when I was 14 and he was 15. We married when I was 21 -- so 27 years of marriage. I do think when you get married that young and don't have any experience dating other people, you may wonder if the grass is greener as time goes along -- especially during more turbulent times in your marriage and those times generally do occur. You will also wonder about other things you could have done to advance yourself as a single person. I've always wanted to have a place of my own. I did experience that during a six month separation, but that's another story..... In some ways, I would go back and change things. I would date other people and not get married until I was around 30 to 35. That being said, there are some things I would change at all. I love the age my children are now coincided with the age I am now. People do change a lot as life moves along. You could change in the same directions and be perfectly compatible. You could also do the opposite. There's no Magic 8 Ball for life.
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 3, 2010 Posted March 3, 2010 DON'T LISTEN TO THEM. I can bet you a lot of those 'what if?' people are JEALOUS. They are probably worried about ending up alone and see you have this amazing thing and are envious of it. If you feel that way about him then wow, don't let it go! Being single is exaggerated beyond believe. You won't necessarily find what you have again so easily. You've also admitted to GAD so your worries may be more to do with your disorder than your relationship.
spriggig Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 My in-laws married straight out of high school and are still happily (as far as I can tell) married.
Luv2dance Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 I honestly think you should stay... but postpone the marriage. At 21, there's so much of life that you haven't experienced yet. I would go through a job or two, some crazy experiences, maybe travel around a bit, before settling down. You'd be amazed how life can change people, including yourself and him. If it truly was meant to be, you'd still be together in 4-5 years time, and then you can still marry. What's the rush? I think this is great advice! I was married at 23 and think it was too young. However you sound like you have a great relationship, and just b/c you have only dated each other that doesn't mean it is doomed to fail!
Green Posted March 5, 2010 Posted March 5, 2010 With the people I've dated in my life, when things don't work out... THEY GO REAL BAD. It's like you don't even have a choice but to break up. The fights get to be non stop. If you are with some one, and you still want to make it work, you shouldn't let what other people are saying or fears that some hypothetical person might be better stop you. Things arn't going to be perfect, you will have regrets some days. The question is what type of life do you want for yourself. If it means so much to you to go out and date other guys then do it. Just do it for yourself not because of stuff people tell u.
troggleputty Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 Hello ana: Your question is actually not a relationship question, it is a question of existential philosophy. I say that it is not a relationship question because you don't actually indicate your relationship itself is unsatisfactory. On the contrary you seem to state your relationship is very good, your fiance is basically a dream boat, and you are deeply in love with him. Also he has other good qualities that make him good husband material. So, what you are really wondering is, "Will I have future regret by making this choice to marry, which of necessity, will foreclose other possible alternatives?" This is the same kind of decision making process people have to make when say picking a college major, career, or job. Well issue no. 1 is that no one can predict the future. Taking any decision, esp. a major one such as marriage choice, involves making a choice, foreclosing other possible options, and taking a risk. However you MUST remember: Even if you choose NOT to marry, or not to marry this guy immediately, you have ALSO MADE A CHOICE whose outcome you may regret EVEN MORE than the choice to marry this guy! So, as a basis for making your decision, it is irrational for you to break off your engagement simply because you might have some hypothetical alternative "better" future. (There's another word for this, it's called "cold feet.") Also, do NOT expect there will be zero consequences if you do disrupt your engagement, esp. if you do so to date other men. Your relationship may, or may not survive such a "break," but it is also possible the level of trust may be permanently impaired. Your husband will always wonder if you are really satisfied with him as your husband. Objectively speaking it sounds as if your fiance has all the necessary qualities to make a fine husband, and you love him. You think there might be something more, or "better" out there, than what you already have? Actually believe it or not, there is NOT anything better than you already have, if what you are interested in is a committed marriage, relationship, family, kids, lifetime committment to one person, etc etc etc. As far as your sister trying to encourage you to screw around, she is doing you a real disservice, and is not a friend of your relationship. Telling you you will sew your wild oats sooner or later is somewhat insulting, don't you think? Your sister is basically saying that you are guaranteed to be a cheater if you marry your fiance. Kind of insulting, kind of ridiculous. Look, this is not a situation where you just met this guy on a drunken spring break and wind up getting married in Vegas all of a sudden. You have known the guy for five years, he is a good man, he turns you on, you love him, he loves you. It sounds like he has passed every possible hurdle and passed every possible test to have EARNED your love. I will also say it is kind of unfair to compare your fiance to a....hypothetical, a nothing. It's not as if there's two actual people competing for your hand in marriage and your fiance doesn't measure up somehow. The worst mistake someone can make in business is failing to close a very good-to-excellent-to possibly lifetime quality-deal, because of greed for a supposedly better deal around the corner, but which really doesn't exist at all. My advice is to close this deal and be happy with your choice, don't question it based on your silly sister's nonsense, she's just jealous. Fix her up with the best man or something, then she'll change her tune.
troggleputty Posted March 6, 2010 Posted March 6, 2010 In my mind, i would be a fool to give up this amazing, safe, and sure thing. but i guess my doubt is, for you more experienced relationship people, will i regret not having the chance to see "what else is out there" down the line? will i feel like i have missed out by having only been with ONE person ever? No because you apparently were fortunate enough so as to hit the jackpot with the first one. Obviously your fiance isn't perfect, but then no one is, don't expect perfection, you're not perfect either. I have plenty of relationship experience and I pretty much feel about my wife the same way you feel about your fiance. However unlike you I have had a number of prior relationships prior to my marriage. But after I started going out with my wife I never really had an interest in anyone else, at least not interested to ever date anyone else. One thing I can tell you for sure--if you have already found a very compatible "match" it would be a serious mistake to assume you could ever do as well, much less better, in any future relationship you ever have. It could happen. But you can't assume that you will ever find anyone "better."
always_searching Posted March 7, 2010 Posted March 7, 2010 I think toggleputty is right: your question is a philosophical one. Personally, I wouldn't get married so young, but that's because, at 24, I still feel too young to get married. However, I also agree with those who say don't assume you'll find better. It's entirely possible that there is someone who has better objective qualities than your current man, but you shouldn't be concerned with qualities so much so as the incommunicable person--the individual himself. I say it's best not to f-up a good thing, especially because of a sister who, as toggleputty suggested, is probably just jealous. One of my professors who is 35 has been married for around 15 years--he married his first love. He seems to be happy. I say do what you think best: whatever you choose is going to have both negative and positive consequences. Pick the path that you feel best for you at this point in your life; however, also take into consideration how your choice will affect your future. Go from there. Good luck.
Recommended Posts