OWoman Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 As a BW I can really relate to "telling" being the right course of action. I think it depends on whether or not the WS plans to stay in the M. If they've planned to stay, and want to recover the M to a stronger, healthier version than the one they betrayed, then yes, I'd see that telling IN THE RIGHT WAY, UNDER THE RIGHT CONDITIONS would lay the basis for that. If they've planned to stay as a "biding their time until a better option comes along" - such as the MM who "stays for the kids" and hasn't ruled out leaving once the kids are old enough - then no, telling would not be in their best interests (whether or not it would be in the best interests of their BS). I've they're planning on leaving - but are not yet in a position to do so, or do not yet want to disrupt the family while preparing for their managed exit - then, similarly, telling may do more harm than good. If they're leaving - actually physically packing their bags - then telling may help to underline the finality of their leaving, to kill any hope the BS has of their changing their mind or of their being persuaded to stay. Or it may simply hurt, and do more damage than just leaving would.
jennie-jennie Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 OWoman, if they don't know whether they want to stay or leave, only know that they at some point want to come clean, is it in their best interest to wait to tell until they have chosen a path or should they tell anyway in the hopes that telling might help them sort out what they want?
anne1707 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 By delaying telling, all the BS is doing is making the eventual Dday worse even if the affair has ended. Not telling is perpetuating the lies, deceit and lack of respect. I also believe that the BS cannot deal with the issues that led them into having an affair by just trying to hide everything. After all, not confronting problems and dealing with them is what led to the affair in the first place
Samantha0905 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 (edited) I just read two different posters on another thread (men) say how they will never trust their wives 100% again after knowing of the affair. They also said the imagery of the infidelity is always in their heads -- literal screwing another man image. I've read before men have a much more difficult time with the actual physical infidelity than they do the emotional infidelity. I don't see why the issues can't be discussed without telling of the actual affair. The issues that were present are the problem -- not the actual affair -- especially if the affair is ended. Once you tell, isn't the betrayed spouse focused on the other person -- the one with whom their spouse had sex? It would seem to be the case. And aren't they angry and wanting justice? I would think so. How would any of this make the focus be on the actual issues in the marriage that led to the affair? As a matter of fact, the more I read the posts by BS on this site -- the more I think telling is not exactly ideal. Finding out definitely seems to cause a whole lot of bitterness and anger -- long lasting apparently. Oh -- and what if there never is an actual DDay? People don't always find out. In fact, I think a lot of times they do not. I understand it is disrespectful to have an affair. I don't buy into it showing a massive amount of respect to say, "By the way honey, I had sex with another man." The purpose is supposed to be to perpetuate honesty in the relationship? It seems like taking out a dagger and stabbing them in the heart. Why do that if the affair has stopped? I don't buy into the argument because you'll never have intimacy because you're not 100% honest. It seems to be going out of one's way to hurt someone and cause pain and isn't that a part of what was so bad about the affair anyway? The intimacy wasn't there anyway and I very much doubt announcing I had sex with another man would make things any better. I know in my case I'm not sure what's going to happen with my marriage. I've been unhappy enough in this marriage without throwing a dagger at my husband, having him be angry and resentful and having the marriage be even more difficult to endure. No thanks. The unhappiness was present before the affair ever happened. There are issues that have not been addressed and they were present due to a variety of reasons, but they were not caused by the affair. Edited March 1, 2010 by Samantha0905
anne1707 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 But the affair creates further problems which need to be addressed. Also how is the BS supposed to know just how bad things are so that all the work to reconcile can be done. I reckon I can also speak for my H - he is not obsessing over the ex-OM. He is happy in our marriage just as I am is very glad we reconciled. He is of the opinion that you have to tell all to survive.
ladydesigner Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I just read two different posters on another thread (men) say how they will never trust their wives 100% again after knowing of the affair. They also said the imagery of the infidelity is always in their heads -- literal screwing another man image. I've read before men have a much more difficult time with the actual physical infidelity than they do the emotional infidelity. I don't see why the issues can't be discussed without telling of the actual affair. The issues that were present are the problem -- not the actual affair -- especially if the affair is ended. Once you tell, isn't the betrayed spouse focused on the other person -- the one with whom their spouse had sex? It would seem to be the case. And aren't they angry and wanting justice? I would think so. How would any of this make the focus be on the actual issues in the marriage that led to the affair? As a matter of fact, the more I read the posts by BS on this site -- the more I think telling is not exactly ideal. Finding out definitely seems to cause a whole lot of bitterness and anger -- long lasting apparently. Oh -- and what if there never is an actual DDay? People don't always find out. In fact, I think a lot of times they do not. I understand it is disrespectful to have an affair. I don't buy into it showing a massive amount of respect to say, "By the way honey, I had sex with another man." The purpose is supposed to be to perpetuate honesty in the relationship? It seems like taking out a dagger and stabbing them in the heart. Why do that if the affair has stopped? I don't buy into the argument because you'll never have intimacy because you're not 100% honest. It seems to be going out of one's way to hurt someone and cause pain and isn't that a part of what was so bad about the affair anyway? The intimacy wasn't there anyway and I very much doubt announcing I had sex with another man would make things any better. I know in my case I'm not sure what's going to happen with my marriage. I've been unhappy enough in this marriage without throwing a dagger at my husband, having him be angry and resentful and having the marriage be even more difficult to endure. No thanks. The unhappiness was present before the affair ever happened. There are issues that have not been addressed and they were present due to a variety of reasons, but they were not caused by the affair. I have to agree I am on this side of the fence as well. I also do not believe all affairs are found out. There is not one person here that will convince me otherwise. I do not think it would help my marriage to tell or save it. I know I will be bashed for this one. I stay seated in my position cowardly or not I really do not think it would help my situation in one bit.
Samantha0905 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 But the affair creates further problems which need to be addressed. Also how is the BS supposed to know just how bad things are so that all the work to reconcile can be done. I reckon I can also speak for my H - he is not obsessing over the ex-OM. He is happy in our marriage just as I am is very glad we reconciled. He is of the opinion that you have to tell all to survive. I'm happy for you -- honestly. I just don't think your husband's reaction would be the norm. I'm sensing a whole lot of anger from people who have found out on this site. I'm glad your husband can look beyond to the bigger picture. The only thing the affair did to my marriage is reiterate to me I'm having trouble being sexually attracted to my husband and big trouble feeling a sense of intimacy with him in general. That was present way (years and years) before the affair. If my BH couldn't figure out things were really bad when I moved into an apartment for six months, I don't know what to think. That was pretty much a big clue in my opinion and it did not get a "Why?" from him. Plus, the fact we aren't having sex at all should be a clue too. It seems it would beg the question, "Why aren't we having sex?" I'm not meaning to sound flippant, but it is rather frustrating.
anne1707 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Samantha I could not remember all your story but yes under those circumstances, anybody should realise that the marriage is pretty much as low as it can get. However for those marriages where all appears "normal" and one has an affair then the affair will only be increasing the divide between husband and wife
ladydesigner Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I could not remember all your story but yes under those circumstances, anybody should realise that the marriage is pretty much as low as it can get. However for those marriages where all appears "normal" and one has an affair then the affair will only be increasing the divide between husband and wife What I have trouble understanding is whether the affair is disclosed or not, the divide will be there because of the affair. I am not sure if the BS ever gets past it. It does sound that way in your case Anne. I am a BS as well and found out about my H's A, he did not confess to me. I don't think it would have mattered either way for me, it hurt just the same and I still feel, no matter what, his A is still there in the back of my mind. I do not trust him 100% nor will I ever. That is still a divide as far as I'm concerned.
PhoenixRise Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 The guys who are posting that they will never again trust their wives 100% have every right to feel that way. Them not knowing about the affair would not make their wives more trustworthy. It just means they wouldn't know the truth about their lives. Some people can get past the infidelity and reconcile others can not. Either way, The betrayed spouse has the right to make informed choices about who they will or will not allow in their lives and under what circumstances. I think it is disrespectful for a person who has already made the decision to disrespect the marriage and the spouse to also make the decision to continue the disrespect by expecting an unknowing betrayed spouse to work on the marriage. Yes there may have been issues in the marriage (all long term marriages have serious issues at some point or another) But NOW those issues are compounded by one spouse secretly pining away for an AP. I just don't see how true intimacy and lies can exist in the same space.
anne1707 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I do not trust him 100% nor will I ever. That is still a divide as far as I'm concerned. I guess rebuilding the trust is the hardest thing. The BS may still love the WS but the trust is gone especially in the immediate aftermath of Dday. Recovering that trust is the real battle and if that cannot be done then the marriage is going to struggle. I still do not expect my H to trust me - after what I have done (plus I still work with the ex-OM), I knew I had to be completely open with him. In fact I think he sometimes thinks I overdo it when I tell him about meetings etc that I need to go to but I am more than happy to do this. I have nothing to hide. For those who choose not to tell, in my opinion that deepens the divide that the affair causes. It adds to the disrespect of the BS by the WS as it does not allow the BS to decide whether they still want the marriage based on ALL the facts and not just what the WS chooses to tell them
ladydesigner Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 For those who choose not to tell, in my opinion that deepens the divide that the affair causes. It adds to the disrespect of the BS by the WS as it does not allow the BS to decide whether they still want the marriage based on ALL the facts and not just what the WS chooses to tell them I agree with this Anne and I have to say it is exactly why I don't want to tell. Selfish yes. I want my marriage to make it and with all that has happened including my H's A, if I disclosed mine I feel it would be our M breaking point.
anne1707 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I agree with this Anne and I have to say it is exactly why I don't want to tell. Selfish yes. I want my marriage to make it and with all that has happened including my H's A, if I disclosed mine I feel it would be our M breaking point. So you admit it is disrespectful yet you will do this? Does your H show guilt or remorse over his affair? If so, imagine how he would feel if he finds out that you had an affair but chose not to tell. When he asks for forgiveness for what he has done, how do you feel?
PhoenixRise Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I agree with this Anne and I have to say it is exactly why I don't want to tell. Selfish yes. I want my marriage to make it and with all that has happened including my H's A, if I disclosed mine I feel it would be our M breaking point. Ladydesigner You posted exactly what I was thinking. Thank you for being honest about your reasons. I think most people who argue vehemently against telling because they don't want to hurt their spouse really don't want to tell for self serving reasons. They want to keep the spouse as an option and they think after disclosure the spouse won't want to stay. They want to keep the image they believe the spouse has of them.
ladydesigner Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 So you admit it is disrespectful yet you will do this? Does your H show guilt or remorse over his affair? If so, imagine how he would feel if he finds out that you had an affair but chose not to tell. When he asks for forgiveness for what he has done, how do you feel? I know it doesn't make any sense, I feel crazy at times. My H does not show guilt or remorse. In fact he still tries to deny a lot of it. He has not asked for forgiveness. I feel like I have been gaslit to the umpteenth degree. I have chosen to move on with life as unsettled as it is. My M may not make it. Lately things have been getting back to normal and we have reconnected on an emotional level, how I'm not sure. Maybe I am the really stupid one in this situation for not leaving. I just don't want to give up just yet. I feel that if I were to disclose my A it would all come to an end.
Samantha0905 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Ladydesigner You posted exactly what I was thinking. Thank you for being honest about your reasons. I think most people who argue vehemently against telling because they don't want to hurt their spouse really don't want to tell for self serving reasons. They want to keep the spouse as an option and they think after disclosure the spouse won't want to stay. They want to keep the image they believe the spouse has of them. I'm more than happy to say I understand there are selfish reasons involved in not wanting to tell my husband. I absolutely don't want to see his love for me change (the image) or watch him go through the pain. I don't want him to look at me with mistrust or to carry that mistrust around. I do not want him to leave me. If that's disrespectful, so be it.
PhoenixRise Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I agree with this Anne and I have to say it is exactly why I don't want to tell. Selfish yes. I want my marriage to make it and with all that has happened including my H's A, if I disclosed mine I feel it would be our M breaking point. Ladydesigner Do you feel that since your H doesn't know about your affair while you DO know about his affair it has changed the marital dynamics in your favor?
PhoenixRise Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Ladydesigner Do you feel that since your H doesn't know about your affair while you DO know about his affair it has changed the marital dynamics in your favor? Ok I think you have already answered this.
Samantha0905 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I know it doesn't make any sense, I feel crazy at times. My H does not show guilt or remorse. In fact he still tries to deny a lot of it. He has not asked for forgiveness. I feel like I have been gaslit to the umpteenth degree. I have chosen to move on with life as unsettled as it is. My M may not make it. Lately things have been getting back to normal and we have reconnected on an emotional level, how I'm not sure. Maybe I am the really stupid one in this situation for not leaving. I just don't want to give up just yet. I feel that if I were to disclose my A it would all come to an end. I can understand what you're saying, but I do feel like if my husband had had an affair it might make it easier for me to tell him of mine. Of course, you're saying your marriage is on shaky ground and you want it to remain intact. I can get why you're not telling. It sounds strange, but sometimes I have wished my husband would have an affair just so we at least have even footing. I know that's crazy, but the thought has crossed my mind.
ladydesigner Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Ladydesigner Do you feel that since your H doesn't know about your affair while you DO know about his affair it has changed the marital dynamics in your favor?Yes I believe they did. I do admit it is selfish of me. I want my marriage to work. I know I did wrong by the A (revenge affair). If he were to find out I would have to tell obviously. I really would take back the A if I could, but of course it is too late and my actions were despicable. I have to live with myself no doubt about that.
PhoenixRise Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I'm more than happy to say I understand there are selfish reasons involved in not wanting to tell my husband. I absolutely don't want to see his love for me change (the image) or watch him go through the pain. I don't want him to look at me with mistrust or to carry that mistrust around. I do not want him to leave me. If that's disrespectful, so be it. I don't think you wanting those things (feeling this way) is disrespectful at all. I think you trying to get what you want by deceiving your H into believing things about you and your actions that do not fit reality IS disrespectful. .
ladydesigner Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 It sounds strange, but sometimes I have wished my husband would have an affair just so we at least have even footing. I know that's crazy, but the thought has crossed my mind. That is exactly what I have now. It is sick but I feel we are even, but for all the wrong reasons. I was so angry after discovering my H's A and I knew my co-worker at the time was flirtatious with me. I knew it was an easy revenge, but wow where that path has taken me. I really am ashamed of my loss of integrity.
Samantha0905 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I don't think you wanting those things (feeling this way) is disrespectful at all. I think you trying to get what you want by deceiving your H into believing things about you and your actions that do not fit reality IS disrespectful. . I understood what you were saying. I probably didn't word my response well. I understand I am being disrespectful in some ways. It's a choice I can live with right now. I don't know if that will change or not. I'm seeing an IC, but he doesn't seem caught up in the me telling aspect of the equation. We're primarily working on me and not the marriage relationship right now. That is exactly what I have now. It is sick but I feel we are even, but for all the wrong reasons. I was so angry after discovering my H's A and I knew my co-worker at the time was flirtatious with me. I knew it was an easy revenge, but wow where that path has taken me. I really am ashamed of my loss of integrity. I'm probably not the Integrity Queen or anything given I had an affair, but if it makes you feel any better -- I can easily see where a revenge affair could happen. I'm sorry you feel a loss of integrity. I do also. It's not a choice I thought I would have made.
wheelwright Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 I'm more than happy to say I understand there are selfish reasons involved in not wanting to tell my husband. I absolutely don't want to see his love for me change (the image) or watch him go through the pain. I don't want him to look at me with mistrust or to carry that mistrust around. I do not want him to leave me. If that's disrespectful, so be it. It's the pain you see them in that's the worst. The mistrust I deserve. But they don't deserve the pain of betrayal or mistrust. Some would say you have to see the pain to feel true remorse. Don't know if that's true though.
anne1707 Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 It's the pain you see them in that's the worst. The mistrust I deserve. But they don't deserve the pain of betrayal or mistrust. Some would say you have to see the pain to feel true remorse. Don't know if that's true though. My H certainly did not deserve the pain. I knew what I had done was wrong and felt guilty yet seeing his pain really did bring it home to me how it was much worse than I had realised. My marriage may have been able to recover without a Dday but I think it would only have been a shadow of what we have now. I have also talked to my H about this thread and he is very much of the opinion that you should tell.
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