To tell or not (mainly for WSs)

[moaningmyrtle]

Here's a link to an interesting article I recently read.

 

I hope it's OK to post the link as it's very on topic and not spam.

 

http://www.911marriageonline.com/2010/02/26/to-tell-or-not/#comments

 

As a BW I can really relate to "telling" being the right course of action. On the other hand I'm not religious so the references to God and the Bible do not gel with me.

 

Some of the comments are interesting too.

[anne1707]

I told and it was possibly the worst thing I have ever done in terms of seeing how incredibly badly my H was hurt. He was devastated and I was being a completely selfish b**** because I was so wrapped up in my feelings for the ex-OM. I cannot really be very clear on my thought process in deciding to tell because of the state I was in. I am sure some of it was because of guilt but most of it was based on being exhausted with the lies and I did not want to do that anymore. I knew it could end the marriage but it just felt so wrong for it to continue when there was so much my H didn't know.

 

However after the inititial trauma of Dday, my H agreed to give us a chance. The first few months in particular were hell for us both. I am typically someone who will show my emotions and my H saw me cry, shout, rage.... yet my H is a quieter man in this respect. But I know that he was feeling probably more pain than me. At least I had chosen to be in this position, unlike him. Plus his trust in me had been destroyed - how can you ever recover from that.

 

I started IC and we also started MC. The MC gave us that safe environment to talk and for us to realise that there was still so much love there that we had to fight and work for us. The IC helped me deal with all the emotions that my H really did not need to see or hear in terms of the ex-OM.

 

So here we are over 18 months after Dday and doing good. My H and I are happier than we have been in years (including the years before my affair started), we are closer than we have ever been, we date, we make time for us and we are honest. We both recognise that we can both feel more vulnerable now if the other seems distant or vague so we will ask what the problem is if any and deal with it. More often than not it is something not at all related to us but if it is, it allows us to deal with whatever the problem may be there and then.

 

If I had not disclosed, even if my marriage had continued, it would not be as good as it is today. We would not be able to communicate with each other the way we can and I would also always have it in my mind that I done all these things that would hurt him so badly if he were to find out. Not telling about the affair, to me, would be the same as still having the affair in a way. It would still be lying. It would still be letting my H stay in a relationship in which he does not really know his wife. I could not do that to him.

[jennie-jennie]

For years my MM was certain he would never tell his wife about his affair. He believed he could save her from the pain by not telling.

 

Half a year ago he changed his mind (coincided with NC, coincidence or not?). The reason being that he has seen with me what kind of relationship he can have, and is not willing to settle for less, be it with his wife or me. He wants an honest and intimate relationship where he can show who he truly is. To be able to have that with his wife he has to tell.

[jennie-jennie]

A question to BS and WS:

 

What if the affair is just likely to go deeper underground after telling? If the WS is not prepared yet to end neither the marriage nor the affair? Should one still tell?

[anne1707]

For years my MM was certain he would never tell his wife about his affair. He believed he could save her from the pain by not telling.

 

Half a year ago he changed his mind (coincided with NC, coincidence or not?). The reason being that he has seen with me what kind of relationship he can have, and is not willing to settle for less, be it with his wife or me. He wants an honest and intimate relationship where he can show who he truly is. To be able to have that with his wife he has to tell.

 

There is absolutely nothing about what your MM is doing that is honest. The fact that he decided SIX MONTHS ago to tell and still has not shows that he is a liar and manipulating both his wife and you. Also if the relationship with you was what he really wanted then why has he not done anything about that yet? He is not settling for less - he has got everything he wants with his wife and you. His wife is settling for less although not through her knowledge or choice. You do know though and still choose to settle for less (please don't deny this, you often state you want more than you have).

 

 

A question to BS and WS:

 

What if the affair is just likely to go deeper underground after telling? If the WS is not prepared yet to end neither the marriage nor the affair? Should one still tell?

 

Then the WS is just a selfish cake eater and does not really care about anybody except themselves. What kind of person would want to tell and carry on with both the marriage and the affair and expect the BS to accept this. Pretty much as low as it can go.

[bentnotbroken]

A question to BS and WS:

 

What if the affair is just likely to go deeper underground after telling? If the WS is not prepared yet to end neither the marriage nor the affair? Should one still tell?

 

 

Yes. What needs to be understood is the WS is being selfish for not allowing the BS to make choices about their own life. With the knowledge that the WS can't be trusted the BS is then able to make choices with that knowledge. It really doesn't matter what the WS continues to do, the BS is aware of the character. Being honest is about respect for another human being, simple.

[bentnotbroken]

There is absolutely nothing about what your MM is doing that is honest. The fact that he decided SIX MONTHS ago to tell and still has not shows that he is a liar and manipulating both his wife and you. Also if the relationship with you was what he really wanted then why has he not done anything about that yet? He is not settling for less - he has got everything he wants with his wife and you. His wife is settling for less although not through her knowledge or choice. You do know though and still choose to settle for less (please don't deny this, you often state you want more than you have).

 

 

 

 

Then the WS is just a selfish cake eater and does not really care about anybody except themselves. What kind of person would want to tell and carry on with both the marriage and the affair and expect the BS to accept this. Pretty much as low as it can go.

 

 

Excellent response.

[jennie-jennie]

There is absolutely nothing about what your MM is doing that is honest. The fact that he decided SIX MONTHS ago to tell and still has not shows that he is a liar and manipulating both his wife and you. Also if the relationship with you was what he really wanted then why has he not done anything about that yet? He is not settling for less - he has got everything he wants with his wife and you. His wife is settling for less although not through her knowledge or choice. You do know though and still choose to settle for less (please don't deny this, you often state you want more than you have).

 

Then the WS is just a selfish cake eater and does not really care about anybody except themselves. What kind of person would want to tell and carry on with both the marriage and the affair and expect the BS to accept this. Pretty much as low as it can go.

 

Sorry to say, Anne, but this post of yours is not at all helpful. Condemning my MM and making him out to be a bad person is of no help.

 

You know I believe the split self theory to be true, so I already have an explanation to my MM's behaviour. You also know that I believe him to be honest with me.

 

We both know that the reality is that often a Dday does not mean the end of an affair. In my post I said nothing about "expecting the BS to accept this", I said "if the affair is just likely to go deeper underground". So just being realistic, if you are not ready to end neither the affair nor the marriage, should you then continue to keep the affair a secret and not act on the desire to confess until you have made a choice?

 

I wish you guys would contribute more to a meaningful discussion instead of just condemning the WS and/or the OW.

 

I liked your first post in this thread though, Anne, it was very informative and helpful.

[jennie-jennie]

Yes. What needs to be understood is the WS is being selfish for not allowing the BS to make choices about their own life. With the knowledge that the WS can't be trusted the BS is then able to make choices with that knowledge. It really doesn't matter what the WS continues to do, the BS is aware of the character. Being honest is about respect for another human being, simple.

 

Thanks, bent, for answering my question. This is the kind of response I was looking for.

[anne1707]

Jennie Jennie

 

Lets just face it. You don't like hearing what I have to say about affairs generally because I talk of WS as being selfish and that they lie to the OW/OM just as much as they lie to the BS. Many, many other posters on LS have similar views to me. It just does not fit in with how you like to see things. How do you know your MM is not lying to you? He is lying to his wife. If he can do that then he can just as easily lie to you.

 

How can you also say he is not a bad man? Is he being good to his wife by having an affair that has been going for 4 years now.

 

Just because a post is not what you want to hear, does not mean it is not contributing to a meaningful discussion. It is another viewpoint and for all you know it could be right.

[jennie-jennie]

You do know though and still choose to settle for less (please don't deny this, you often state you want more than you have).

 

A minor threadjack, sorry MM.

 

Do I settle for less? I am having the most fulfilling relationship I have ever had in my life. And yet our relationship is getting better and better all the time. Is that settling for less? There are always compromises with every relationship. I see my MM's marriage as bagage he needs to deal with one way or another.

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie Jennie

 

Lets just face it. You don't like hearing what I have to say about affairs generally because I talk of WS as being selfish and that they lie to the OW/OM just as much as they lie to the BS. Many, many other posters on LS have similar views to me. It just does not fit in with how you like to see things. How do you know your MM is not lying to you? He is lying to his wife. If he can do that then he can just as easily lie to you.

 

How can you also say he is not a bad man? Is he being good to his wife by having an affair that has been going for 4 years now.

 

Just because a post is not what you want to hear, does not mean it is not contributing to a meaningful discussion. It is another viewpoint and for all you know it could be right.

 

Talk about that all you like, but since my MM does not lie to me, that makes your posts irrevelant to me.

 

Since I do not believe in the assumptions that are the basis of your posts, your posts are not meaningful to me. It is like discussing religion with an atheist, you just don't agree on the basics. What you are talking about is just not my reality.

 

Again, since I believe in the split self theory, there is an explanation to his behaviour and thus he is not a bad man.

Edited February 28, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[Spark1111]

I am unclear Jennie...What does his wife know of the status of your relationship with MM?

 

Does SHE know it is ongoing?

 

That is the at the crux of these posts, I believe.

 

Does your MM tell his wife that he still sees and has feelings for YOU?

 

Sorry to TJ here...

 

If that is true, and she remains unaware of your relationship, he may NOT be a bad man....but certainly he continues to be a dishonest one.

[Spark1111]

Here's a link to an interesting article I recently read.

 

I hope it's OK to post the link as it's very on topic and not spam.

 

http://www.911marriageonline.com/2010/02/26/to-tell-or-not/#comments

 

As a BW I can really relate to "telling" being the right course of action. On the other hand I'm not religious so the references to God and the Bible do not gel with me.

 

Some of the comments are interesting too.

 

Yes, if you are serious about saving the marriage, full disclosure of any information the BS wants to know is the only way to restore intimacy, IMHO.

 

Withholding protects the WS, or preserves the affair and is totally self-serving.

[jennie-jennie]

I am unclear Jennie...What does his wife know of the status of your relationship with MM?

 

Does SHE know it is ongoing?

 

That is the at the crux of these posts, I believe.

 

Does your MM tell his wife that he still sees and has feelings for YOU?

 

Sorry to TJ here...

 

If that is true, and she remains unaware of your relationship, he may NOT be a bad man....but certainly he continues to be a dishonest one.

 

She is in the dark. My MM has expressed a desire to confess the affair at some point in time, but not decided when. He is planning to start IC, and this issue will then be discussed with the therapist.

 

He is not planning to let me go if he confesses. I am the one who has been telling him that that might be the end result of a confession. It is as if he does not think further than to the confession itself. It is as if he wants to see the impact of letting his wife become aware of the triangle. Much depends on her reaction he says. I think he cannot foretell his own reaction either.

 

I agree with you that he is dishonest towards her. It is the division of people into good and bad that I react against.

Edited February 28, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[Spark1111]

She is in the dark. My MM has expressed a desire to confess the affair at some point in time, but not decided when. He is planning to start IC, and this issue will then be discussed with the therapist.

 

He is not planning to let me go if he confesses. I am the one who has been telling him that that might be the end result of a confession. It is as if he does not think further than to the confession itself. It is as if he wants to see the impact of letting his wife become aware of the triangle. Much depends on her reaction he says. I think he cannot foretell his own reaction either.

 

I agree with you that he is dishonest towards her. It is the division of people into good and bad that I react against.

 

That would be a huge step and I hope through IC he develops the courage to do so.

 

The closest I can get any OW to empathize with the plight of the BS is to horrifically image you are NOT the only OW; that throughout a relationship YOU assumed was built on honesty and trust, you then discover the existence of another...secret OTHER OW.

 

But given that information, you Jennie would decide whether to stay or go...and that is only fair, IMHO.

[jennie-jennie]

That would be a huge step and I hope through IC he develops the courage to do so.

 

The closest I can get any OW to empathize with the plight of the BS is to horrifically image you are NOT the only OW; that throughout a relationship YOU assumed was built on honesty and trust, you then discover the existence of another...secret OTHER OW.

 

But given that information, you Jennie would decide whether to stay or go...and that is only fair, IMHO.

 

Thanks, Spark, for the encouraging words. My MM has said that he feels like he is going to let a bomb go off and is unsure how the landscape will look afterwards.

 

I have been the BS, but I can not imagine being the BS in a situation like ours, where there has been a longterm intimate relationship on the side. That must be so, so hard to deal with. I can understand why many MM would be tempted to minimize the affair in these cases.

[anne1707]

It is the division of people into good and bad that I react against.

 

Fair enough but it was never me who started talking of people in terms of good or bad - it was you:

 

Condemning my MM and making him out to be a bad person is of no help.

 

I responded to that:

 

How can you also say he is not a bad man? Is he being good to his wife by having an affair that has been going for 4 years now.

 

Meaning that his wife and his family may well see him as a bad man if they ever find out about you and the affair which from their perspective could be understood.

[jennie-jennie]

There is absolutely nothing about what your MM is doing that is honest. The fact that he decided SIX MONTHS ago to tell and still has not shows that he is a liar and manipulating both his wife and you. Also if the relationship with you was what he really wanted then why has he not done anything about that yet? He is not settling for less - he has got everything he wants with his wife and you. His wife is settling for less although not through her knowledge or choice. You do know though and still choose to settle for less (please don't deny this, you often state you want more than you have).

 

Then the WS is just a selfish cake eater and does not really care about anybody except themselves. What kind of person would want to tell and carry on with both the marriage and the affair and expect the BS to accept this. Pretty much as low as it can go.

 

Anne, it seems you are correct in that it was I who first used the word "bad". I did use it however to summarize your post above. Was that an incorrect summary in your opinion?

[anne1707]

Anne, it seems you are correct in that it was I who first used the word "bad". I did use it however to summarize your post above. Was that an incorrect summary in your opinion?

 

Yes it was incorrect. I think he may be weak or flawed in some aspects - as we all are. He is definitely a liar and manipulating his wife so that he can continue his affair so there are aspects of his behaviour that are not good but that does not make someone bad or evil.

[jennie-jennie]

Yes it was incorrect. I think he may be weak or flawed in some aspects - as we all are. He is definitely a liar and manipulating his wife so that he can continue his affair so there are aspects of his behaviour that are not good but that does not make someone bad or evil.

 

Thanks for the clarification. I can agree with you on the above.

[Samantha0905]

I'm choosing not to tell. I'm good with the decision. From what I've gathered on this site, there is a lot of bitterness evident in many of the posts of those who have been told or found out. It seems to do some irreparable damage. Anne seems to be one of the few with a more successful outcome.

 

I know it's not a popular opinion and, believe me, I'm not looking for reassurance or agreement from others. I'm just sharing my thoughts as the rest of you have.

[Samantha0905]

Monica expresses my thoughts on the manner:

 

Monica says:

February 26, 2010 at 2:18 pm

If telling meant the affair would stop, then yes, I would want to know. If the offending spouse could get out of the affair without me ever finding out then I probably wouldn’t want to ever find out since this has been one of the most painful revelations I have had to deal with, and I have dealt with a lot of pain in my life.

 

In my case, the OW threatened to tell me about the A if my husband stopped it. So, it went on for a year and a half longer than “he said” he wanted it to go on (it was a three-year A) . Finally, when she started getting too obsessive and he realized she was getting close to telling me, he decided to “come clean” about it. The biggest problem was he was traveling down the freeway towards his hometown when he called me to tell me about it. He assumed all this time that I would have nothing to do with him when I found out. He said he used to lay awake at night wondering how he could get out of it without me ever finding out.

 

My advice to anyone who just wants to tell his/her spouse to relieve guilt, don’t. Why should both of you be miserable? But, if telling means you will have that accountability of not continuing the affair, than I think you need to tell.

 

I agree with her assessment.

[PhoenixRise]

I will always say the affair should be disclosed.

I am not one who could ever see the value in burying one's head in the sand so people who claim they would not want to know are completely foreign to me.

 

I think it depends on what kind of person the cheater now wants to be. Do you ever want to be a person who has integrity?

 

AND

 

What kind of relationship you want/ expect to have. Do you ever want true intimacy with your spouse? Do you ever want/expect to be loved for the entirety of who you are (the good and the bad)? Do you want/expect an intimate relationship built on honesty and respect?

 

IMO if you answer yes to the questions above then the only way that you have a shot of getting what you want is to disclose the affair. Lies kill intimacy.

[Maxxx]

I don't understand why anyone would have an affair if you are unhappy with your relationship leave....... Even if there is no divorce get out.... Why be dishonest with the other person... Just my 2 cents