DwnNDmps Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Okay, so I've never posted anything online. I broke up with my boyfriend of over a year last night. I basically did it because I felt like I was backed into a corner. It was obvious he was pulling away because of his behavior...didn't care anymore if we spent the evening together, was annoyed when I expressed my feelings and refused to talk about our issues, was VERY moody and "hot and cold", etc. He started to accuse me of "overanalyzing" things and say "he's tired of talking" about it. I constantly told him if he would just speak what was on his mind and why his behavior had drastically changed I would NOT be forced to guess what might fix this. Anyhow, I'm rambling. I don't know what to do...Bottom line... I really did NOT want to break up with him but I also know I couldn't live with the uncertainty. I know a lot of his problems have to do with life in general but he did everything he could possibly do to push me away. At some point you have to consider yourself. I tried ever method possible to fix this before taking the "final step" and breaking things off. Please answer this.................. Who makes the first move? I know NC is recommended but I honestly have NO IDEA who is supposed to make the first move. I want him to show me he still cares so obviously I want to give him time and space to miss me and to initiate things. The whole reason we broke up is because I no longer felt loved or appreciated in any aspect. Our only positive at the end was sexual chemistry, that never went away. So PLEASE HELP ME.
Iamthedouglas Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 DwnNDmps, you never posted anything online, but you came to a good place for answers. Bear in mind I do not claim to know anything, and try to get a few more opinions than just mine before making a decision, but here's what I say. I will use a metaphor for the most of this. I realize your ex, at this point, probably has a different backstory than this, but bear with me. I will use MAN1 and WOMAN1 as names for this. Now, MAN1 has a lifestyle that is not very good with his issues. He does not do well with his parents who he is arguing with. He has been in one relationship that has ended poorly. He is feeling like society is letting him drown. Now MAN1 meets WOMAN1, and the two get along well. At first it's the honeymoon phase, where the relationship is so perfect it's amazing. There is no question at all that they love each other, and MAN1 is able to relieve his stress being around WOMAN1. After a while, the honeymoon phase is over. MAN1 is no longer feeling the same feeling, so WOMAN1 gets the blunt of it. His issues are projected onto WOMAN1 as a release. He also sees nothing wrong with this. Eventually WOMAN1 has to make a choice, stay with the lack of contact, or leave. Well now, in my example, here are the problems. MAN1 has a bad life which he then projects onto WOMAN1, and this is not fair. Your ex should be able to separate his frustration with you and his life, you are not the problem. I had anger issues, that's right, had. By sheer force of will, I overcame it by realizing it is not fair to take my anger out on others that are not the issue. No matter how bad your life is, if MAN1 cannot make WOMAN1 happy because he has issues with something else and puts them on his relationship, that's not fair. MAN1 also doesn't see this as a problem, therefore why would he ever stop? It seems okay to act like this even if you have to make up excuses. It's not fair for your ex to assume this is okay and right. This is very unfair. He should realize this is wrong or at leats just tell you it's over, not just keep saying it's irritating but stay with you. Now to answer your question of who makes the first move. Simply tell him you have to have some distance, and that he has to figure himself out. Tell him this through a text, over the internet, or on the phone, but not in person right now. Then go NC. Wait several MONTHS, remembers SEVERAL MONTHS Since you feel unloved, you'll have to make the first move to NC. He won't it sounds like, because even though he's complaining he's using you as a security blanket potentially. You have to show him you cannot live like that by forcing him away for now. Hopefully that helps. Good luck.
DustySaltus Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Down, sorry about your situation. If you go by the advice most dumpees receive on this board it will be on YOU to make things right. You broke up with him, so it will be up to you to say "Hey, I think we made a mistake. I want to make things work but we need to seriously sit down and talk about our issues and RESOLVE them". It's only been a day so regardless I think you need to take some time for yourself and process everything. Do you really think the issues can be worked out? If not and you REALLY care about him....then let him go. But if you do care about him, be prepared for the fight of your life because a reconciliation is going to be a lot of heavy lifting on both sides. At the end of the day what do you really want and do you think he's capable of it?
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