Another Girlfriend's Past Problem

[BlackMagic]

Well I looked on this website to try to find out some answers and I always see the general "well let it go, you can't do anything about it" I must be one of those insecure people or something. Here's my little story.

 

Met this girl at work while I was in a long-term relationship. We grew very close, but just on a friend level. I ended up ending that relationship because I felt guilty for the feelings I had, and I weighed out the pros and cons. I'm 19 years old, that was my first "mistake," locking myself into a committed relationship at 15 years old. All things aside afterwards I got close to the other girl, almost right out of the gate, that was my second mistake. I needed time to cope with the loss I had, and didn't give it a chance. We did the whole sex life talk, and found out she'd been with 10 people. She's 21, apparently they were all with boyfriends, no one night stands, threesomes, or any of that. Just a weird point of growing up in her life. She left a committed 3 year relationship where she didn't cheat either. It's not a trust issue with me, I've found this bizarre connection with this girl. After doing some self-reflection on my ideal type of girl. She fits the bill to a T, she is truly remarkable and just an amazing person all around.

 

Sadly, I can't get over what she told me. I was ready for a 5-6 but that one threw me off considering she listed a few semi to long term relationships. Apparently high school was a very weird time. I have to admit she told me she only did it because she cared so much about them she thought if she did it sooner then they would stick around and it would last. I really felt bad, but I can't say it helped my problem.

 

I did the right thing and the logical thing, I told her it bothered me, and that I need my space because I won't drag her down to hell with me. I'm still going through my own breakup, but I have this uncontrollable pull to this girl, because aside from that I know she's the person or the kind of person I want.

 

I don't want a "just let it go and go for it," that kind of advice would just **** up me and the girl, and I refuse to do it. If anybody has like a coping technique, or like some REAL kind of advice; not what to do, but how to do it; I would love to try it. The girl has been so understanding and she hates to know this is tearing me apart, she's been so understanding about everything and just wants the best for me. She's apparently going to wait it out and see what happens. For that reason alone I know she was being honest about why she did it, but I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm disgusted by it, or if I'm selfish, or if I feel inferior. I've only been with 2 girls, and one was a one night stand when I was like 14. It's not really an inferiority thing with how I "perform" either. We had sex and she's told me I was the best, and I can honestly say by the reactions after, that I know that, without going into detail. Any help would be greatly appreciated, I don't want to let the most possible chance for "real" love walk away without even trying.

[D-Lish]

Well, I can only say that I am pretty shocked that a 21 year old woman has slept with 10 people- that's a hell of a lot of people at her age. But I am kind of old school:o I am almost twice her age and only a bit beyond that number - I was also 18 when I lost my virginity.

 

I don't know how to respond- I would normally chastise someone for being judgemental about a woman's past sexual history- but I have to wrap my head around this.

 

I guess if she started having sex at 14- then it doesn't work out too badly?

 

I'd get to know her better- and feel things out.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Everybody seems to grade women on their 'numbers' according to a purely-numeric scale.

 

Nobody ever seems to allow that some women are extremely attractive, and have far, far more offers than others get.

 

Now clearly women can get raw sex around every turn in the road, in most cases, but the offers are still far more plentiful for some than for others.

 

IF the average number of sexual (intercourse) partners for the average 21yo female were "3" (totally random example - I don't know such data), then there would likely be as many with "0" as there would with "6".

 

This isn't like a school test where "6" is any 'better' than "0". It's just data, and random data at that.

 

 

 

Who cares what a woman's "number" is? (even far too many women get way too concerned over their own "number")

 

 

Just endeavor to show up with a clean bill of health, or at least an honest admission beforehand, and do as you will.

[tman666]

Hey man,

 

Hahaha you appear to be going through the exact same situation with this girl that I did with mine. I'm 24 now. I believe they call it "retroactive jealousy". I think it's something that a lot of guys go through, especially at a young age.

 

My gf of about 2 years was sort of the same way. Been with about 10 guys before me before the age of 22. Also, she was a virgin before she was 18, and before she got into her freshman year of college. When I first found that out, it blew me away.

 

I went through the entire exercise of analyzing why, feeling sh***y about it every time I'd think of it, imagining all these other dudes as big dick Fabio types.

 

In reality, she never went out looking for it, and the guys that she was with were pathetic excuses for men. Her level of confidence was very low, and it took her a long time to realize that sleeping with a guy too soon was the fastest way to get him to not respect her.

 

It sounds like your girl was in a similar situation regarding her confidence level. Girls in our society are under enormous pressure to feel sexy and wanted, and unfortunately, many have a hard time learning that true sexiness comes from having the confidence to make her man wait until she's certain of his virtues.

 

She doesn't sound like a slut at all. She sounds to me like a normal girl that learned some hard lessons growing up in today's world. You have to look at your relationship from some other angles, i.e., is she kind, is she able to communicate well, is she a spoiled brat who needs everything handed to her, is she smart enough to get a decent job, is she faithful to you (committed to the relationship), does she make you feel good, is she optimistic and not a whiner, does she respect herself, etc. There are so many things that are more important in a solid relationship than her past numbers.

 

Since you've said that she is your dream woman in all other aspects, I would just give your relationship time to grow. If she talks about past boyfriends or sexual partners, ask her to stop. If she won't commit to forgetting them, then she is not ready to commit to you. Eventually, if all goes well, you'll get to a point where it doesn't phase you. You'll realize that you've had crazy monkey sex with her so many more times than any other guy on the planet, and that you take her to sexual heights that none of them could. You'll realize that you're the alpha dog, and you'll stop caring that some tiny pecker'd, zit faced dweebs laughably fumbled around her body a long, long time ago.

Edited March 3, 2010 by tman666