unluckyclover Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 First of all, I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I haven't been able to reach out to anyone, so I've had these emotions just welling up inside me for a long time. I really need some help right now. My husband and I met several years ago. We just "clicked." He makes me laugh, he is so sweet to me, and I just love him so much. When we met, everything just fell into place. We moved in together, and we got engaged. We planned a wedding for December of 2008, but we had to move it up to June of 2008 when we received word that he would be deploying to Iraq in August of 2008. Our wedding was perfect. We said our vows, we had a mini honeymoon, and a few weeks later, he went shipped off to mobilization training. It was heartbreaking, but I was determined to be strong for him. Then in August of 2008, a bomb was dropped on me. I went into his e-mail, and I found naked pictures (sent from a phone number to his e-mail address) of a girl we knew. We met this girl, and I told my husband from the get go she was bad news. We met her at a pool party get together about a month before our wedding. She was a date of one of my husband's friend. To be blunt, she seemed skanky and immature. She openly talked about her anti-marriage views (she got married and divorced at 18), her threesome sexual exploits, and much worse topics. I told my husband (then fiance) to be wary of her. Obviously he didn't heed my advice. I immediately called her number from the picture e-mails, and I asked her what was going on. She informed me that TWO DAYS before our wedding, she slept with my husband. They went to a concert together (a concert I remember him telling me he was going to with a MALE friend as his "bachelor party"), they went back to his place afterward, and they had sex. Then I spoke to my husband. He was immediately distraught. He was petrified I would leave him. He made some hard decisions. He came forward to his C.O., told him what he had done, spoke to the chaplain for advice, and they allowed him to come home for a weekend. While preparing to deploy, this is a real rarity, and I know he had to fight hard to get this done. When I first confronted him, he didn't want to admit to having sex with her. He also said that there were other people at the concert. A few days later, he finally came clean. When he came home, he willingly told me the whole truth. It was hard for him, I know, but both me and the chaplain told him he needed to come 100% clean. He admitted that he lied to me, and he told me the whole truth (he went to the concert, had sex with her, took 100% responsibility for his actions). He begged me for a second chance. He cried, begged, pleaded, wept, etc. It put me in an impossible position. I almost felt like I had to be strong to try to forgive him in order to help him through his deployment safe and sound (I'm not saying he guilted me, this is just genuinely how I felt). I sat down and I made a list of everything I needed in order to consider reconciling with him. I actually wrote up a reconciliation agreement. (This is the gist of it) * Send a no contact letter to his one night stand * Attend regular marriage counseling * Be willing to be 100% open and honest with me * Share all e-mail accounts, internet accounts, passwords, cell phone records, text messages, and anything else with me when asked * Only have friends that are committed to helping uphold our marriage * Understand that it will take me years to deal with the anger, resentment, sadness from this * Understand that I may rightfully never trust 100% again * ANY indications WHATSOEVER of infidelity again and I am gone, no questions asked... there will be no third chances I'm not quite sure what inside me made me write something like this out after what he did, but he did, and he signed it. I asked him if there was anything he wanted me to agree to, and he wrote that all he wanted was for me to try to understand that he is a good person, does love me, and will never hurt me again. We signed it, and he has held up his end of the deal 100%. He returned back from Iraq safe and sound. His deployment actually helped rebuild a bit of trust, through a keylogger I installed on his computer. I won't go into details, but it let me know that he was commitment to our marriage and to fidelity now. Since he's been back, he has been almost the perfect husband. He will review his call logs with me when asked. He has no female friends whatsoever. His male friends all seem to be decent, good, honest, married men. He never complains when I "check" on him- texts, e-mails, whatever else. He's even offered to wear a kiddie GPS tracking watch to help build trust (I declined). Still, I am feeling something missing. We had an argument today. After his infidelity, we closed his myspace account and email account. We did it together. However, his old myspace account recently reappeared. I know he has not reactivated or used it due to the last login date. It is honestly some myspace glitch. So, in order to close it, we had to reopen his old email account. It's an AOL email account, which saves ALL of your emails, despite the account being closed. Yes, this is true, because we had to go through the hassle of reactivating the account, etc. Well... from 2008 til now, there were a total of 9000 emails in the account. So I decided to go through them all. Maybe that is a little crazy, but I wanted some peace of mind. He sat with me, and we went through them all. I didn't find anything incriminating whatsoever (obviously I wouldn't, since none were even read, as the account had been deactivated). However, I found 3 emails from a girl. They were fairly innocent but overly friendly. They were dated 10/08 12/08 and 1/09. None of them were ever read or responded to. The first was a prayer chain e-mail for military members. Totally innocent. The second was an e-mail that basically asked how things were going in Iraq, but she also said "please e-mail me to let me know you're okay" and "love u and miss u." The third said "please e-mail me back my friend is dying and you're the only one I feel like I can talk to love u and miss u." UGH! So, even though I know he never read these, responded to these, or had any sexual relationship with her, I'm still upset. I tried to talk to my husband about her e-mails, and he told me about her. He said she is a co-workers daughter (our age though), she doesn't have many friends, I always tried to be nice to her, etc. He just made me so MAD. I tried to explain to him that he needs to learn about proper boundaries. Not to sound conceited, but I am young, smart, and sexy. But I don't have guys off handedly saying "love u and miss u" to me. I tried to get him to understand that he doesn't put up proper boundaries and it makes women think they have the green light for inappropriate contact. Yes, I know this was all innocent, but his attitude showed a real lack of growth and understanding. I want him to understand that he should never be any woman's "only person to talk to" except ME. Through therapy, we've found out that he has some issues. The main one that lead to his one night stand was his knight in shining armor complex. He wants to help everyone, and he always wants to be the hero (typical Army guy, right?!). That's how his contact with the one night stand occurred. She was upset because his friend (her date to the pool party) was mistreating her, and she vented to him about it. He became her shoulder to cry on. Then ONE date, and BAM, she hops into bed with him. I just don't know what to do. He's been doing "all the right things," but I feel like the emotional component of our reconciliation is somewhat missing. I want him to understand how to put up boundaries. He says he has because he has no female friends (which is true, and this e-mail girl I'm referring to is someone he hasn't even spoken to since before he left for Iraq), but that doesn't show boundaries, it just shows avoidance. Maybe I am just nitpicking. I just feel like I am at my wit's end. The only people who know about his infidelity are his parents (I made him tell them, since I wanted him to be held accountable to someone other than me). I have hid it from my friends and family. I know they love me, and they would hate him if they knew. I can forgive them, but I don't know that they can. I am also somewhat ashamed. So I have no one to reach out to. I just feel tired of dealing with his mistakes. The infidelity is one thing. Another huge issue is money. Before we got married, he was completely irresponsible with money. He racked up huge amounts of debt, and when we got married, he told me he owed $700 on one credit card. Big fat lie. So we are poor, living in his parents' basement, trying to pay off his debt. I'm extremely unhappy. I've also had to put my education on hold (which is extremely important to me) because of his financial mistakes. I just really want to stop paying for mistakes. Can someone please help? I just feel like I'm falling apart.
Disintegration Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 First of all, I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I haven't been able to reach out to anyone, so I've had these emotions just welling up inside me for a long time. I really need some help right now. My husband and I met several years ago. We just "clicked." He makes me laugh, he is so sweet to me, and I just love him so much. When we met, everything just fell into place. We moved in together, and we got engaged. We planned a wedding for December of 2008, but we had to move it up to June of 2008 when we received word that he would be deploying to Iraq in August of 2008. Our wedding was perfect. We said our vows, we had a mini honeymoon, and a few weeks later, he went shipped off to mobilization training. It was heartbreaking, but I was determined to be strong for him. Then in August of 2008, a bomb was dropped on me. I went into his e-mail, and I found naked pictures (sent from a phone number to his e-mail address) of a girl we knew. We met this girl, and I told my husband from the get go she was bad news. We met her at a pool party get together about a month before our wedding. She was a date of one of my husband's friend. To be blunt, she seemed skanky and immature. She openly talked about her anti-marriage views (she got married and divorced at 18), her threesome sexual exploits, and much worse topics. I told my husband (then fiance) to be wary of her. Obviously he didn't heed my advice. I immediately called her number from the picture e-mails, and I asked her what was going on. She informed me that TWO DAYS before our wedding, she slept with my husband. They went to a concert together (a concert I remember him telling me he was going to with a MALE friend as his "bachelor party"), they went back to his place afterward, and they had sex. Then I spoke to my husband. He was immediately distraught. He was petrified I would leave him. He made some hard decisions. He came forward to his C.O., told him what he had done, spoke to the chaplain for advice, and they allowed him to come home for a weekend. While preparing to deploy, this is a real rarity, and I know he had to fight hard to get this done. When I first confronted him, he didn't want to admit to having sex with her. He also said that there were other people at the concert. A few days later, he finally came clean. When he came home, he willingly told me the whole truth. It was hard for him, I know, but both me and the chaplain told him he needed to come 100% clean. He admitted that he lied to me, and he told me the whole truth (he went to the concert, had sex with her, took 100% responsibility for his actions). He begged me for a second chance. He cried, begged, pleaded, wept, etc. It put me in an impossible position. I almost felt like I had to be strong to try to forgive him in order to help him through his deployment safe and sound (I'm not saying he guilted me, this is just genuinely how I felt). I sat down and I made a list of everything I needed in order to consider reconciling with him. I actually wrote up a reconciliation agreement. (This is the gist of it) * Send a no contact letter to his one night stand * Attend regular marriage counseling * Be willing to be 100% open and honest with me * Share all e-mail accounts, internet accounts, passwords, cell phone records, text messages, and anything else with me when asked * Only have friends that are committed to helping uphold our marriage * Understand that it will take me years to deal with the anger, resentment, sadness from this * Understand that I may rightfully never trust 100% again * ANY indications WHATSOEVER of infidelity again and I am gone, no questions asked... there will be no third chances I'm not quite sure what inside me made me write something like this out after what he did, but he did, and he signed it. I asked him if there was anything he wanted me to agree to, and he wrote that all he wanted was for me to try to understand that he is a good person, does love me, and will never hurt me again. We signed it, and he has held up his end of the deal 100%. He returned back from Iraq safe and sound. His deployment actually helped rebuild a bit of trust, through a keylogger I installed on his computer. I won't go into details, but it let me know that he was commitment to our marriage and to fidelity now. Since he's been back, he has been almost the perfect husband. He will review his call logs with me when asked. He has no female friends whatsoever. His male friends all seem to be decent, good, honest, married men. He never complains when I "check" on him- texts, e-mails, whatever else. He's even offered to wear a kiddie GPS tracking watch to help build trust (I declined). Still, I am feeling something missing. We had an argument today. After his infidelity, we closed his myspace account and email account. We did it together. However, his old myspace account recently reappeared. I know he has not reactivated or used it due to the last login date. It is honestly some myspace glitch. So, in order to close it, we had to reopen his old email account. It's an AOL email account, which saves ALL of your emails, despite the account being closed. Yes, this is true, because we had to go through the hassle of reactivating the account, etc. Well... from 2008 til now, there were a total of 9000 emails in the account. So I decided to go through them all. Maybe that is a little crazy, but I wanted some peace of mind. He sat with me, and we went through them all. I didn't find anything incriminating whatsoever (obviously I wouldn't, since none were even read, as the account had been deactivated). However, I found 3 emails from a girl. They were fairly innocent but overly friendly. They were dated 10/08 12/08 and 1/09. None of them were ever read or responded to. The first was a prayer chain e-mail for military members. Totally innocent. The second was an e-mail that basically asked how things were going in Iraq, but she also said "please e-mail me to let me know you're okay" and "love u and miss u." The third said "please e-mail me back my friend is dying and you're the only one I feel like I can talk to love u and miss u." UGH! So, even though I know he never read these, responded to these, or had any sexual relationship with her, I'm still upset. I tried to talk to my husband about her e-mails, and he told me about her. He said she is a co-workers daughter (our age though), she doesn't have many friends, I always tried to be nice to her, etc. He just made me so MAD. I tried to explain to him that he needs to learn about proper boundaries. Not to sound conceited, but I am young, smart, and sexy. But I don't have guys off handedly saying "love u and miss u" to me. I tried to get him to understand that he doesn't put up proper boundaries and it makes women think they have the green light for inappropriate contact. Yes, I know this was all innocent, but his attitude showed a real lack of growth and understanding. I want him to understand that he should never be any woman's "only person to talk to" except ME. Through therapy, we've found out that he has some issues. The main one that lead to his one night stand was his knight in shining armor complex. He wants to help everyone, and he always wants to be the hero (typical Army guy, right?!). That's how his contact with the one night stand occurred. She was upset because his friend (her date to the pool party) was mistreating her, and she vented to him about it. He became her shoulder to cry on. Then ONE date, and BAM, she hops into bed with him. I just don't know what to do. He's been doing "all the right things," but I feel like the emotional component of our reconciliation is somewhat missing. I want him to understand how to put up boundaries. He says he has because he has no female friends (which is true, and this e-mail girl I'm referring to is someone he hasn't even spoken to since before he left for Iraq), but that doesn't show boundaries, it just shows avoidance. Maybe I am just nitpicking. I just feel like I am at my wit's end. The only people who know about his infidelity are his parents (I made him tell them, since I wanted him to be held accountable to someone other than me). I have hid it from my friends and family. I know they love me, and they would hate him if they knew. I can forgive them, but I don't know that they can. I am also somewhat ashamed. So I have no one to reach out to. I just feel tired of dealing with his mistakes. The infidelity is one thing. Another huge issue is money. Before we got married, he was completely irresponsible with money. He racked up huge amounts of debt, and when we got married, he told me he owed $700 on one credit card. Big fat lie. So we are poor, living in his parents' basement, trying to pay off his debt. I'm extremely unhappy. I've also had to put my education on hold (which is extremely important to me) because of his financial mistakes. I just really want to stop paying for mistakes. Can someone please help? I just feel like I'm falling apart. I'm totally sorry for what you've had to go through, I know it's especially hard having to deal with deployments on top of that. I'm glad you were able to get through things while he was away, the added stress of finding out what he did must have made it a little more difficult this time around I'm sure. I actually think the list you had him sign was great. He broke your trust and believe me that is hard to regain. You have given him a second chance, he seems to be proving himself to you. As far as the emails you discovered, well he didn't read them or reply to her because he deleted his account right. The part that is bother some is her saying she loves and misses him. That is highly inappropriate language forher to be telling your husband. Love is a strong word. Do you think he ever replied back to her in that manner? Are you 100% sure he didn't cheat on you with her? I mean he didn't get caught with her. I get he wants to be the hero but he should only be catering to you and your needs. If he cant be trusted around other women then he has no business communicating with them unless he has no other choice such as work. I can see why you wouldn't want him to have female friends now. That's good that you are going to counseling. You just have to communicate with him about boundaries, what's appropriate and whats not. Lying to you about where he's at and who he is with is what got him into trouble in the first place but he does seem to be devoted to working through your issues though. I hope in time you can feel better. I know right now it is rough but it does seem like you are both headed in the right path to have a long lasting trust worthy marriage. So I take it his debts are way higher than what he told you huh. You're at least saving so that you can eventually move out of his parents. You don't necessarily have to put your education on hold. The GI bill will help cover the expenses for military spouses as well. You should look into that and get your own career going to better yourself, and just so you have something to fall back on just in case. I wish you the best of luck.
Spark1111 Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 I think you are on the right path and taking all the appropriate and necessary steps to heal your relationship. Learning proper boundaries is a process for someone who has had infidelity issues; whether it be the need for external validation, i.e. the knight in shining armor syndrome, or attention, flattery, etc. Yes, the fact of a too intimate email from someone of the opposite sex is a big indication of that. The fact that he did not respond is positive that he is trying to change his behavior. Your husband needs to continue in IC, and I hope both of you continue with MC for no other purpose than to be able to separate the resentments from his infidelity from other, (and more normal) stressors in a marriage. Good luck to you. You sound strong.
2sunny Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 i think you both have made great progress under extremely difficult circumstances. he has processed what the body does or doesn't do when it wants to connect physically... he hasn't processed that the mind plays a factor in this as well. by allowing his mind to be connected to another woman outside your marriage - it opens the door for the possibility of the body to follow suit. he needs to process and pay attention to how his mind is drawn to these factors that feed an area of his ego in order to justify putting his family and future at risk - and why he may be willing to take that risk. is it worth it? he is the only one to answer that... and to work on changing it. the change in him and the way his mind processes and reacts (or not) to it all will eventually give you your evidence of his growth and intentions. this takes time so be patient.
Author unluckyclover Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 Thanks for all of the replies. I am 100% sure he has never done anything physical with this girl. Even the tone of the e-mails indicates this. "I hope you don't mind but so and so gave me your e-mail address" "love u and miss u buddy" "you're like an older brother to me, you're the only one I can talk to" Plus I've talked to several of my spy friends. I know for a fact that everything has been on the up and up between them. He never gave her his e-mail address, never read it, never responded to it, hasn't spoken to her since before he left for Iraq. It just upset me so much because I tried to talk to him about this. Even though he didn't do anything wrong per se, I want him to understand that he can't be everyone's shoulder to cry on. He wants to be the hero for everyone, while in the meantime he's hurting me. I tried to tell him this was an example of just that. He insisted that it's in the past, and he doesn't act like that anymore. He knows he can't be any other woman's place for emotional support- only mine. But he was just so stuck on the fact that he didn't do anything, never read it, the account was closed, etc. He is not really an emotional attachment sort of guy, and it's not like he has a habit of forming emotional attachments with other women. It's just that he hasn't full grasped boundaries. He thinks that when someone is upset, angry, needs to vent, etc. that he needs to be the "nice guy." He doesn't understand that allowing other people to think you are their shoulder to cry on is a green light. It's just a boundary issue that he hasn't grasped yet. We're working on it a lot in counseling. As for our finances, it's been very difficult. He started out owing about 15. We are down to 10k, and everything should be paid off by this summer. He has a really great job, so that helps. As for my education, I can't use his GI bill. He used it already. However once our tax refund come in, I'll be able to apply for re-admission into my university for nursing school. So we'll see what happens with that. On the topic of resentment, I definitely have a lot of it. Some infidelity related, some NOT. I resent him for our financial situation and for my education situation. I feel tricked into having married him, because he lied to me about his finances. I wouldn't have married him knowing his financial situation. I'm not saying I would have left him, but I would have put a big wedding on hold until his finances were sorted out. Or we could have used our wedding money to pay off all that debt! And I resent him for my education being on hold. I had a full tuition scholarship, but despite that I haven't been able to afford the university fee, books, etc. because of his awful finances. Now since I have been out of school for two years, I'm not sure if I will still be able to use my scholarship or not. So I may have lost out on an amazing opportunity because of him. I'm resentful that I have to demean myself by living with his parents because I've always been extremely independent. I'm resentful that when I think of our wedding day all I think of it his one night stand he had just a few days before our wedding. And I just feel baited and switched. Anyway, I love him. I know he's worth it. He's a good guy, but he's learned some bad habits. His two bad habits are 1. lying and 2. boundary issues. He is just like his dad, and it's clear he learned this behavior from his father. He's trying hard to change, and I know that he's worth the wait because he is a good guy and he is willing to put all of the hard work that it takes into this. But, honestly, I sometimes feel like I just want to run away.
bentnotbroken Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Okay, I am going to dissent a little. You have ever right to be wary. Trust isn't something that is easily rebuilt. From all appearances your H did nothing wrong with those emails. He can't be held responsible for the language that another person uses. He has taken responsibility for his actions and it seems as if he has changed he actions. You say he didn't respond, he didn't even know they were there. I honestly think you are holding him accountable for something which has nothing to do with him. You admit you are resentful about many things. I can understand that too. Finances and education were issues in my marriage with Mr. Messy too. But eventually I had to face myself and accept responsibility for MY actions. Your H may have not been truthful about his finances(always a wrong move) but did anyone hold a gun to your head to say "I do"? No, those words came from your mouth. Losing a scholarship is a devastating blow, but did he tell you to give up the scholarship or was that something you chose to do on your own? If he is in the military, doing what he needs, why are you not in school, doing what you need to do? Why would living with his parents = demeaning yourself? I am very confused by that statement. Are you in IC to help you deal with your resentment? If not, you are adding an extra strain to your marriage that will eventually wear even the strongest person out. Our spouses aren't the only ones with problems. Look within, what is holding onto the resentment doing to add to the strength of your marriage? He isn't the only one who has to recognize the needs of the marriage or the needs of his spouse. We all get the bait and switch to a small degree. Some of us get the "true rip off" I really don't believe you did. His actions post A says you got the decent man you thought you got. You got the things that will matter in the long run. He made poor choices, and he has tried to change his actions so that you won't have to deal with those poor choices again. I think you love him a great deal. I also think he loves you as evidenced by not going into those emails. Sweetie, deal with the things that are holding you back from letting go of the resentment. You have the key to the chains that are keeping the resentment bound to you.
Spark1111 Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 I think everyone feels like that at times.... I also think the discovery of infidelity and the subsequent pain it causes shines a big light on every fault of the WS and what is not working in the relationship....and I think that is a normal part of the healing process. The most important part of recovery for the BS is to focus on themselves and what will make them live a more authentic life. I know it is easy to put yourself on a back burner for the sake of supporting those we love and after the discovery of an affair, we are left reevaluating all our sacrifices and on some level, resenting them. I know I did. I felt I had sacrificed and gave so much to shore up my husband and help him get on his feet and where did it get me? Betrayed. So while these feelings needed to addressed in MC, I also realized the importance of concentrating on me, my life, and what would make me happy. And whatever it is, please find a way to do it. I vowed i would NEVER be left in such a lonely vulnerable position ever again in my life. Whether he became the husband I knew he could be, or not, I would become stronger and be able to stand on my own two feet no matter what my future with him held. Do it. You will not regret it I promise.
on1wheel Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 I did something similar when I caught my W in her A. Before I would even talk about what I was gonna do I had her sign an "admission of adultery letter" that stated I could have a trouble free divorce if I so chose & that she would not come after my stuff or try to get sole custody of our 19 mth old innocent child. Then after some soul searching for a month or so I remembered my pledge/promise to my daughter when she drew her 1st breath (long story short...stayed for her sake) well the rest is history. I came into some money from a court settlement that my W was not entitled to, so I had her sign a contract that states that since I paid off all our debt, bought a house etc; well if she cheated a 2nd time she would give up any claim to any & all assets & leave with only what she owned pre-me. That was how I was able to allow myself to try & get on with our M...which now includes a 4 year old & a son due in June. What I'm trying to say is, you were right to ask for all of that & more. It's whatever makes it possible for you to get on with your M. He had his chance to be a good man & chose to "sow his wild oats" just prior to your wedding. As for the unopened emails, they are in the past & hopefully part of who he used to be. You must let that go & not let it set you back. I too found out more painful things after I reconciled, but had to let it "be part of the past; that closed chapter" of our life. Now if something new were to happen then run like H*LL, as I would too. I speak from the heart when I say "everyone deserves a 2nd chance; so since you'd decided to grant it already then only judge him on post D-day stuff" I gave my W a 2nd chance (most days I'm glad I did, as my 4 year old is soooo happy & I have a son coming soon) & she tries soooooo hard to be the perfect wife now. No one knows if she will always feel this way, as one only has to look @ all the lies, cheating, betrayal etc, etc; you just have to have faith sometimes. I wish you all the luck & if you want to know more anout my situation & how I cope, then private message me or I'll give my emai. Good luck to both you & all the others that have been betrayed & are strong enough to try & forgive.l
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