merrygoroundandround Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Here is hopefully a short version of my story. Please advise. I was in a marriage many years.(over 10) My ex wife and I have children together and so it has been very hard to go no contact. Really impossible. We split a couple of months ago when she re-connected with an old junior high boyfriend. Since then we have gotten divorced and had many arguments about the kids and her new boyfriend. Unfortunately, this past week she has had a lot of problems with him. He is married and goes over to his wife's house every night. He gets really mad at my ex when she talks to her kids on the phone. He says her attention should be on him. He does not live in the same state as my ex and makes her travel to see him. He talks her into leaving our sick kids and travelling to him. He monitors my wifes texting to make sure she is not talking to me. He has even gone as far as texting me from her phone and tried to make me think it is her. I have also learned he is very controlling with his wife. He makes her tell him all of her passwords, he blocks people from sending her messages via facebook. It is really weird because his wife is a spitting image of my ex. Anyway back to me.... My ex has confided all of this with me and she even had me listen in on a conversation that they had via phone and text, so I know it is all true. Last night we had a long talk about our marriage.(we have had bumpy parts.... I have not been perfect for sure) But, we talked about trying to have another go at it. Starting over from scratch. She said she was never going to talk to him again. Then today.... she went to see him again. She totally left the kids and the plans she made with me and them and went to see him. I feel like I have to completely turn my back on her now. I have not wanted to do this, because I always believed we would be back together. But now it seems as though she is using me financially and emotionally. I know this relationship is not going to work with him. It is obvious. They have only been dating for 5 weeks now and they have broken up at least twice. Both times it was him having a problem with her putting kids before him. Should I ever consider getting back with her? Should I just shut myself off completely towards her and forget about our life? If I do want her back, how do I go about it? Please help!!!
mark982 Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 run hard and run fast!!! this nut job will just drive you crazy. she's playing both ends,against the middle. do you really think she'll just stay true to you? as the saying goes, actions speak louder than works.
Author merrygoroundandround Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 run hard and run fast!!! this nut job will just drive you crazy. she's playing both ends,against the middle. do you really think she'll just stay true to you? as the saying goes, actions speak louder than works. That is what I was thinking. Seems she wants me around when they aren't working out, then is mad at me when they are. I really can't take this anymore!!
aerogurl87 Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 That is what I was thinking. Seems she wants me around when they aren't working out, then is mad at me when they are. I really can't take this anymore!! Agreed. My ex is the same way, he wants me around to be there as his backup but I'm better than that and I know OP you are also. NC may be impossible due to you two having children together, but minimal contact isn't.
Clep Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 (edited) I would sit down and let her know what the boundaries are for reconciliation with you and ask her if there are currently any reasonable barriers to undermine those boundaries. If she has a reasonable ideas you can come together to redefine boundaries that are reasonable. I would be very clear about it all. If she is unwilling to do so, or breaches the set forth boundaries you will have your answer. If she agrees to that, I would make a counselling appt for a month away to further work on things. You will be able to see in that month if she is really serious about being with you and reuniting your family, or if she is using you as someone to fall back on. Did she say she wouldn't contact him in the future or did you let her know this would be a deal breaker for you? I would weigh this very carefully as your children's future happiness and dreams are at stake here as well as your personal happiness. I would not rush this. Edited February 28, 2010 by Clep forgot a word
Woggle Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 You should never take her back. Whatever problems she has are her doing as well. She made her bed and now she has to lay in it. Get rid of her as fast as you can. Of course you have to deal with her as far as the kids go but that is as far as it should go. If you take her back it will be nothing but heartbreak.
Author merrygoroundandround Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 I would sit down and let her know what the boundaries are for reconciliation with you and ask her if there are currently any reasonable barriers to undermine those boundaries. If she has a reasonable ideas you can come together to redefine boundaries that are reasonable. I would be very clear about it all. If she is unwilling to do so, or breaches the set forth boundaries you will have your answer. If she agrees to that, I would make a counselling appt for a month away to further work on things. You will be able to see in that month if she is really serious about being with you and reuniting your family, or if she is using you as someone to fall back on. Did she say she wouldn't contact him in the future or did you let her know this would be a deal breaker for you? I would weigh this very carefully as your children's future happiness and dreams are at stake here as well as your personal happiness. I would not rush this. She actually came to me and send she would not contact him again. I did not ask her too. She said she realized that he is controlling and not good for our kids. However, it sounds like now she is going to live with him out of state. Apparently he is saying that he will divorce his wife now and that he will help her get a place. She can't do it by herself because her credit is too bad. No apartment place will let her name be on the lease at all. She was able to get her current house about 1.5 months ago because she used to work for the guy who rented it to her. Now he is evicting her because she has never paid a dime of the rent. So she will have another judgement against her. Funny thing is that she is lying to him. He has no idea of her health problems or financial problems. Granted I don't feel sorry for him at all since he went after my wife while she was still married and is abandoning his own wife and children. They are both gonna reap what they sow.
Iamthedouglas Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 That is ridiculous, you're a security blanket! Now, in one respect there is a psychological phrase I remember. Sometimes people cannot stand not having the absue. Clearly she doesn't really mind it. I mean, she came to you, and there was no problem, then she went back! Bottom line, tell her it won't happen, that she can go to him and stay because she won't be with you. This may be kind of vicious, but try and get custody of those kids. I mean, that controlling of a step father who cares so little for them and a mother who's willing to go along with it?! That should be considered a danger! Putting kids in danger is something I have zero tolerance for! Especially since one of my high school friends had an insane controlling father like that, he grew up paranoid beyond reason that the world would basically devour him because he never got used to anything due to his restrictions!
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