lino Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Just got back. I honestly feel like crying. I'm just doomed to fail, it seems. No matter how hard I try, or how many times I "put myself out there" and go to dances/clubs, I just cannot function. It frustrates me to no end because I have been so successful in reaching any other goal I've ever set for myself in life, and yet something like this I just can't accomplish properly, and I can't stand it. I'm just not able to meet random people like that. And even when I meet people through mutual friends, I just come across as friendly. I don't know how to flirt or show interest. I hate feeling so defective. I know I'm a great boyfriend and person. I've got a lot to offer and I'm confident in this -- it's just so damn hard for me to get my foot in the door. This shyness is an absolute curse and it frustrates me to tears that I can't seem to get through it. Sorry to hear that mate. I sometimes feel the same only I have a different problem, not shyness. Someone else mentioned big groups... How do you perform in smaller groups? Same, better, worse? Also... "Had he said he works law/medicine/finance, I woulda been all over him" Would you really be interested in a woman who says stuff like this? I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to involve myself with a girl who is only into me because of what I do for a living.
Author Vertex Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 Sorry to hear that mate. I sometimes feel the same only I have a different problem, not shyness. Someone else mentioned big groups... How do you perform in smaller groups? Same, better, worse? Also... "Had he said he works law/medicine/finance, I woulda been all over him" Would you really be interested in a woman who says stuff like this? I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to involve myself with a girl who is only into me because of what I do for a living. In my circle of friends it isn't just about what one does for a living. It's more of a signal of a mindset -- a greater value places on intellectual drive/hard work ethic/etc. If I met a girl who was into finance, I'd find her a lot hotter than someone who was into, say, performing arts. In smaller groups I operate a bit better. But when I'm in a large crowd with a ton of people interacting, I tend to get lost in the mix. Smaller groups allow me to be friendly, but I still don't know how to flirt. However, group vs. a club is the difference between me being friendly and being totally quiet.
pandagirl Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 (edited) Vertex, I feel your pain, but you're going to have to stop feeling frustrated with yourself if you're going to overcome your lack of social confidence. I, too, suffered and still suffer bouts of feeling socially inadequate. That's not to say I can't hold a conversation, or charm the pants off of someone -- I just tend to fade into the background in social settings because it's not my nature to dominate a group or want that kind of attention. I think your new job will help you. When I finally started working in the real world, I really had to learn to "fake it until I made it." I interview a lot of people for my work. For a shy person, this almost seemed like an impossible task when I was younger. But I eventually became very confident through practice. This same mindset carries into your non-work life. A lot of my social skills are learned ones. To this day, I'm still not comfortable in large social settings, but I'm still confident in myself. And if you carry yourself confidently, people WILL notice you. You really just have to force yourself to step outside your comfort zone! Edited February 28, 2010 by pandagirl
Author Vertex Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 To this day, I'm still not comfortable in large social settings, but I'm still confident in myself. And if you carry yourself confidently, people WILL notice you. You really just have to force yourself to step outside your comfort zone! This is precisely what I try to do, and it does frustrate me that I am having such poor results. I am very much confident in myself as a person/boyfriend/whatever, but I just can't excel when it comes to social situations. I think my problem is that I don't know how to "carry myself confidently." I can walk up straight, smile, and try to be friendly all I want, but I feel like this doesn't translate into interest -- just friendliness. However, the fact that I am usually very silent around new people is a damaging factor in this regard. Confident/silent -> probably perceived as boring to new people. I tried making conversation with one of the girls last night (she happens to work for the same company I do), but it is really hard to talk about all that stuff in a loud club (at dinner we happened to be on opposite ends of the table, too, so I didn't get much chance to talk to her as I would have liked).
sweetjasmine Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 as I think my quality of life would drastically change. Drastically? I'm not so sure about that. I'm so tired of trying to be outgoing and charismatic only to have some ridiculous psychological block constantly holding me back. I have to know someone for a bit until I can loosen up and be more personable. Well, it's who you are. There's nothing wrong with being introverted. You don't have to me Mr. Extrovert in order to be open enough to connect with other people. The problem is that I can only reach that state of interaction once I get to know someone better. I can't act that way around new people and I worry that it's severely hindering my social life. I can't completely open up to people right off the bat either, but that doesn't mean you can't have a social life that makes you happy. In my circle of friends it isn't just about what one does for a living. It's more of a signal of a mindset -- a greater value places on intellectual drive/hard work ethic/etc. If I met a girl who was into finance, I'd find her a lot hotter than someone who was into, say, performing arts. Those labels are inaccurate, and you might learn after a while that there are all kinds of people in finance, and you'll find that the only thing they have in common is the drive to make lots of money. The people I know who went into finance (and I mean Goldman, JPM, etc.) ranged from brilliant to dumb-as-a-rock, from hard-working to do-just-enough-to-get-by, from kind and wonderful people to obnoxious cokeheads with a sense of entitlement. And it's funny that you mentioned performing arts. Someone from my school was a world-class cellist, and she gave it up for investment banking. So just keep in mind that you might be limiting yourself if you're making too many assumptions about people's mindsets and life goals based on what they're doing for a living.
nddb Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Did you find anyone with common interests? Did you finangle some phone numbers or emails to follow up? May be there's another shy soul in the same group, feeling the same way you do now, thinking only if she were braver or smoother, she'd be talking to that Vertex guy? Chin up. It's a number game and sooner or later, you're gonna hit it.
alphamale Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Just got back. I honestly feel like crying. I'm just doomed to fail, it seems. No matter how hard I try, or how many times I "put myself out there" and go to dances/clubs, I just cannot function. dude you are only 23, you'll figure this stuff out over time. i was very shy with girls at your age, i could barely talk to them I don't know how to flirt or show interest. you show interest by asking a girl out, period
nddb Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 I tried making conversation with one of the girls last night (she happens to work for the same company I do), but it is really hard to talk about all that stuff in a loud club (at dinner we happened to be on opposite ends of the table, too, so I didn't get much chance to talk to her as I would have liked). Here's something that will help with the shy guy. Find out what the group is doing next. Next social event, next ski trip, next bar outing, next party, whatever. Volunteer to help put it together. Be the organizer helper. Be the one signing up to help with carpool, food/drinks list, etc. Now you have free reign to roam and email/call whomever under the pretext of organizing and having a purpose makes you look purposeful & confident & give you a ready-made topic to talk about if you are not skillful in small talks. Some women dig guys who are in charge--just roll with it.
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