mammax3 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Hello again, I've posted about my current relationship, but, JIC, here's some background: We've both got kids, it's mostly long distance (we're about an hour apart) and he has a very busy schedule. We usually see each other about once a week. We've known each other about a year, but what i would call 'dating' probably about 6 months. I've been working through some of my issues, and am feeling a lot more balanced and healthier on a lot of areas. We are exclusive, have been intimate (physically and emotionally). I have been more unbalanced than him in terms of questions regarding our relationship and 'where we are' and all that - he doesn't seem to have any concerns with how we're proceeding and appears very steady. Recently he's acknowledged that he's got trust issues and doesn't want a defined committment which got me thinking (again) about where we are, and where we're going. I expressed some of the things he's done recently that hurt my feelings and how I'm not confident about our direction anymore if he's not interested in committment. I'm very good at playing both sides of the fence, and I can point out the reasons why it's ok where we're at (kids, distance, careers, schedules, etc) and why it's not okay (insecurity, lack of perceived interest, disconnectedness). As you can see, the why it's not okay is about feelings and emotions, whereas the why it is okay is about the practicality. I'm wondering if there is any hope for committment-phobes (I mean, we're bf/gf in everything but name and PDA's/mushyness) and if there's a way to balance the practicality of our current situation with the emotions and feelings I'm struggling with. thanks for reading.
alphamale Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 seems like both of you have picked this "relationship" on purpose because of its built-in lack of commitment
spiderowl Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 I think sometimes people avoid defined commitment because they don't know where they are with a relationship. They are wondering if it's going somewhere, where it could go, and so on. Maybe you are both realising, at some level, that it is difficult doing long-distance relationships. You may be leaning towards more commitment to reassure you about that: he may be wondering whether it's wise to commit under the circumstances. I can't help but feel that something will force the issue at some point, even if one of you doesn't before then. It does come down to feelings and feelings have to be pretty strong to overcome distance issues and find a way of resolving them (usually somebody moving). Are you prepared for this? I would not put any pressure on him at this point, but maybe withdraw a little. Persuading him that he ought to be more committed could have the opposite effect if he's still mulling this over. Showing him that there is something to miss though, might help him resolve his feelings about you. Whatever you do, be aware that he could opt out. Sometimes you have to let someone experience freedom for them to realise they don't particularly want it. Good luck!
Author mammax3 Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 Thanks for your input. AM, that's interesting. TBH, I don't fully know what I'm looking for from this relationship. A full blown boyfriend may not work with my life right now, but I'm not too sure how to be an 'almost' girlfriend. If I'm investing emotions, time and er - intimacy, then it seems that I'm a girlfriend. Spiderowl, I've been thinking the same thing - to give him some space. Given the length of time and the emotional investment I'm confident that he has some feelings for me. He just doesn't know what they are or where we'll go from here. It makes me wonder "what's the point?" However, as I just mentioned above where do I want that point to be? I don't know. Pressure is definitely not a good plan right now - because I don't know what I would pressure him to, nor do I want to push him away. I am beginning to wonder if the bottom line for committment phobes is trust issues and fear. Any opinions on that?
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