is there something more here?

[sully737]

Hi everyone! Ive been reading the posts here for a little while, and think the advice given here is wonderful and from the heart... so I decided to post something myself... It may be long. I warn you.

 

Here goes:

 

Me an my ex broke up about a year and a half ago, we only dated for about 6 months, but it was a hot and heavy 6 months... I feel lin love with him very quickly.

 

I was going through a lot at the time (the previous ex had left me with a lot of baggage, and I was dealing with the recent death of my mother) So, I wasnt exactly stable enough emotionally to be dating someone but like I said, I fell hard for this guy.

 

We became the best of friends, but towards the end, I would pick fights with him constantly.... I had never been this way with my other relationship, and I knew I was being difficult, but I couldnt control it... In hindsight, I know this is due to my issues with abandonment, I think I was trying to test him.

 

I didnt treat him very well, and eventually he broke up with me... I was devastated. I started going to therapy, and have become a completely different person since then. I feel comfortable in my own skin. And I dont feel as constantly vicitmized as I used to. Ive become a happier, healthier, person.

 

Since then, we've managed to remain friends... Ive dated one other guy, but broke up with him about 6 months ago. He hasnt had any serious relationship.

 

We've been talking more and spending more and more time together. He recently asked me, in so many words, how my love life was going... I mentioned that I had been out with a guy a few times, but that it was nothing serious.

 

I mentioned that the guy I had gone out with would be at a mutual party that me an my ex were going to and my exes reaction suprised me he said "I dont mean to make things awkard, but can you just make sure that your not all lovey dovey with him at the party... I dont really want to see that, and Im sure you wouldnt want to see me that way either"

 

I was really suprised by this but I said "of course. Its not like that yet..."

 

The next day I wrote him a text saying "Im sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, that wasnt my intention" He apologized saying that he really had no right to say what he said, and that he wants me to be happy, and that he looked forward to meeting him.

 

Fast forward to the following week.

 

Since the split him and I have only hung out just the two of us, a handful of times, but we had plans to get together Thursday evening.

 

We went to a show, it was wonderful. Came back to my apartment and stayed up until 3 am talking. We sat close to each other the whole night... Had a lot of laughs... He mentioned that one of his friends asked about me the other day saying that I was her favorite, and that she missed me... He made a few comments about me looking good, and that while he was at work he was looking at my facebook page and a coworker was like "whos that girl? shes cute!" and he said "thats my exgirlfriend" .... he had a big smile on his face as he was telling me...

 

I had to work the next morning, it was late, and there was a bad storm outside (I know, like something out of a movie right?!) So I told him he could stay over.

 

We ended up sleeping in the same bed together, no sex, no kissing, not even any cuddling.... But I couldnt help but have all those feelings come back to me. It was really nice, and it felt good to expirience that with him again.

 

The next day he needed a ride to work so I picked him up at his mothers house. When he got in the car he told me "My mother says hi.... She really liked you. She mentioned that we were hanging out a lot together again...." he had this funny smile on his face.

 

I didnt know what to say to that, so I made some dumb joke about her saying something along the lines of "that girls no good for you!" (slaps forehead)

 

He laughed it off and I brought him to work.

 

Ive never stopped having feelings for him. It was really hard for me to get to the point where I feel comfortable around him again. And the past two days have felt really good, but it scares me. I also feel like we may have been broken up for too long to reconcile...

 

I may be reading too much into this. We are friends, but I dont know why he would say all those things to me, and act the way he did.... and sleep in my bed again... If he didnt feel something too.

 

Would you behave this way, and sleep in the same bed as an ex, if there werent something there?

Edited February 27, 2010 by sully737

[sully737]

Maybe the length is deterring people from responding... Ill try and condense the story

 

-Broke up a year and a half ago, managed to stay friends, although Ive never completely gotten over him

-Ive had one brief relationship since, he has had none

-we've been speaking more and more recently, seeing each other more often

-He has voiced some jealousy regarding me and other men as of late

-He's made comments recently which I perceived as flirtatious

-Went out a few nights ago, had a wonderful time, flirted a little, he kept breaking the touch barrier by sitting very close to me, placing his hand on the small of my back while we were talking etc...

-Slept in the same bed as me, no sex, no kissing, no cuddling... Old feelings inevitably came rushing back, it felt really good to me...

 

What I really want to know is if, anyone of you, whether you be dumpee or the dumper could/would sleep in the same bed (an all too familiar place) with an ex... if there werent something still there? Or am I reading too much into this?

[Ronni_W]

if, anyone of you, whether you be dumpee or the dumper could/would sleep in the same bed (an all too familiar place) with an ex... if there werent something still there?

Personally? No. Definitely not. Snowball's chance in Hades. Wouldn't, couldn't do that.

 

But. I'm not him. You're gonna hafta find a way to find out what is going on for him.

 

Some people could do it. Just for some touch, to feel a connection to another human being, whomever that is and however briefly -- a selfish/self-gratifying act. Just cos they are able and willing to sleep in the same bed with an ex doesn't have to mean that they've still got emotional entanglements or desires.

 

I think you're gonna just hafta figure out a way to ask him what is up.

 

What do YOU think?

Edited March 1, 2010 by Ronni_W

[DenverBachelor]

Slept in the same bed as me, no sex, no kissing, no cuddling... Old feelings inevitably came rushing back, it felt really good to me...

 

Of course it felt good. It is a safe-haven and it connected you back to happier times. But you are treading on dangerous territory and if you value your own emotions, you need to cut this **** out quickly.

 

People break up for reasons, but people want to go back for security -- not necessarily the person. Sorry, we'd all love to be special but the simple matter of it is that most people pursue relationships for security and comfort.

 

The good news is you can get that from a different guy, but you're too emotionally invested in the present guy to really get out there and be free. Only you can make that decision when you're ready.

[Iamthedouglas]

Personally I think there may be more there, but you're not going to know for sure right away. i think there's a chance you can get him back, but it's going to be long, ready?

 

1. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ASK HIM IF HE STILL LIKES YOU LIKE THAT. It's obvious he might, and it's fairly obvious you like him a lot. Do not ask though because it can set up an extremely and dangerous awkward situation. That can deter his mind from the current happiness back to who you were. Build up a new image. Show him the new you but starting over. Pretend as if your memories with him are just starting, and start your impression all over again. You two just met and you are both different people who look like people you two dated. In essence, try to rub the slate clean, and never bring up the past if he doesn't first. If he brings up the darker times, be fully honest, but prove to him that you have truly changed. After all, I would have to agree I would always harbor this feeling of potential fear or a relationship with a woman who tests me like that, so you're going to have to work your butt off to prove you're a better person. There's a chance things may never go the way you want, but hell, it's worth a shot.

 

2. Tell him how you've changed then show him. You can tell him you've gone to a therapist and are working on being the happiest person in the world. That won't prove anything. It tells him it's there, but he won't know for sure.

Metaphor: You are staring at an image of yourself. This image of yourself is unkempt, the clothes horrid and wrinkled, the look on this image is that of exhaustion, anger, and wrinkles as if it lacks life. This is your image of your past self. This is probably a bit graphic, but just bear with me. You have the unfortunate requirement of having to battle this image of yourself. Right now it stands between you and him, and you're going to have to slowly crack this image and reveal to him that it's not the real you, it's a glass reflection of a time that's long gone. Show him that this fake you is no longer amonsgt the living, that you are a better person.

 

3. This goes without saying but never ever EVER EVER NEVER EVER argue with him like you used to when there is nothing important to argue over. Him being late once? It's nothing. He was a bit bored with your music selection? Get over it. When you get irritated and argue, do your absolute best to argue COMPLETELY different than you used to. I mean completely, the tone in your voice and even the words you use have to be radically different to show him you too are different. All relationships have arguments, but again, his memories of you show that they can be hard, so you will HAVE to show him your anger has even changed, and under NO CIRCUMSTANCES can you get angry over something small for ANY REASON. Small things are not worth arguments. Being late is small. Being late a bazillion times is big. Not liking your music is fine. Not liking your music and being an absolute dick about it by stating it about a dozen times or never putting up with it is a problem. See how that works? Always make sure it's an issue.

 

4. Don't try to force it. If he wants to spend time with you that day he will, but if not he won't. You can try and steer him to you, but don't force him to you. He needs to move back on his own pace.

Metaphor: Remember you admit you hurt him. Let's pretend he did get hurt physically by something you did and couldn't walk well. You cannot force him to run to you, if you want him back, you can try and make him limp back, but he has to do so on his own or else he'll fear you. Eventually if this goes right, the pain will be gone, the limp healed.

 

If you truly see him being back, if he is constantly talking to you, if it feels like you guys are back together after a minimum time, then it's okay to maybe start expressing how you feel more. let him make more moves than you romantically for a while if any, and you have to really work it for his approval back.

 

Good luck to you.

[sully737]

Thank you all so much for taking the time out of your life to respond...

 

@Ronni: What do I think? Hmmm.... I think that he is a man who doesnt do anything by accident... He's not the type to perform selfish or self gratifying acts... Now, I DO have other ex's who I know would sleep in my bed for either a) the chance to get laid (pfffff! NEVER gonna happen!) or B) to feel that connection, regardless of whether or not it would potentially lead me on or hurt me.... THIS guy however, is not that type of man.... Which is why I wrote the thread to begin with... Because the fact that this happened with him... Is whats leading me to believe that there may be something more going on here.

 

Denver: Youre completely right. I know Im treading on dangerous grounds here... But I also dont want to ignore the possibility for a second chance with this guy... On the other hand, I certainely dont want to lose a friendship with him... Although at this point. If we've managed to stay friends after the **** we've already put each other through... Im not really sure theres much more we can do that f*** it up! As far as people pursuing realtionships for comfort and security. I completely 100% agree, and Ive even been at fault for that.. But like I said earlier, that doesnt really apply to this man. He's not the type to play games, and he takes affairs of the heart very seriously (almost to the point of being emotionally stunted, like his walls are so tall, that they are difficult to climb, which was part of our problem) I mean, its been over a year and a half, and he has had no other relationship since me... As far as I know he hasnt even really dated anyone (althoug I dont ask ) And he's a VERY good looking charismatic guy, so Im sure he's had women take interest over the past year or so....

 

 

Douglas! Thank you so much for taking the time to write that wonderful thought out reply. I read your reponse like three times! I plan to pretty much do everything youve mentioned.... I DEFINITELY dont plan on ASKING him to explain his feelings... I just couldnt risk the rejection I could possibly face from that... I appreciate your metaphor about a emotional injury vs a physical injury, thats an interesting way of putting things. If anything were to come of this.... I would want/need it to happen at a snails pace, as Im sure he would. I feel like in my heart of hearts, there are still reciperacal feelings there, but that both of us are hesitant to act on them....

 

Do you think I should ask him to come hang out with me one on one again? Or wait to see what he says?? Ugh. This is so weird because I feel like all the initial dating rules should be put into place... except its hard to do that when there is already a couple years long history between us.

 

I want to find a way to show him that I enjoyed spending time with him... And maybe even infer that I still have feelings for him, but I also dont want to scare him off...

Edited March 1, 2010 by sully737

[Iamthedouglas]

Do you think I should ask him to come hang out with me one on one again? Or wait to see what he says?? Ugh. This is so weird because I feel like all the initial dating rules should be put into place... except its hard to do that when there is already a couple years long history between us.

 

I want to find a way to show him that I enjoyed spending time with him... And maybe even infer that I still have feelings for him, but I also dont want to scare him off...

 

Well for the most part I think you should try and hang out with him again yes. Of course the most important part is getting him to enjoy himself as well. Make sure he doesn't feel forced, but try to push a little. What I mean is do ask every now and then if he can hang out, and give him a reason such as just talking, going to eat somewhere, seeing some place or such, but don't put him in a spot where he cannot say no. Also, don't make you sound like you're just being his friend because that can give the wrong impression (although get him to feel you are a friend, but don't make him think that's it because that may not be fair to build up a false impression, after all you're here to win him back, not just be his buddy) but by no means lay it on thick by acting as if you're both back together because that can be very bad. Certainly keep contact, just remember to watch the boundaries. Maybe invite him to some small cafe or something to just talk and stuff, and be willing to answer his questions. Cafe, small restaurant, or anything else. If he wants to accompany you back to your place (he does, not you want him to), make sure you try to give him some space unless he comes closer to you and keep very firm boundaries for his sake on how much you move without it seeming like you're avoiding him. Just remember to let him feel like he's safe, and it should be fine. Laugh a lot, keep a good smile, and maybe some small visual hints will be dropped.

 

Make sure whatever you do you definitely do slowly. I know I said that, but just reiteration. You must take it slow. Treat it as a first date kind of thing. Let him know the small little things or quirks he does are actually cute or funny. Don't be blunt about it right away though. Even though I'm sure it's adorable, be sure to hold off on the lovey talk for just a while.

 

If any issues with your life come up, do not burden him with them. Although I'm sure he'd be more than willing to listen, do not get him involved. Remember, you're trying to show you're a better person. You're not a superhero who can handle everything, that much is true, but for now let him live without worry about dealing with your problems as well. At the same token, let him know if you have any small little things you're dealing with as a sign of trust, and keep him from being put in a spot where he will get involved, only release details deeper if he asks, do not spill it all out right away as that can be scary.

 

As far as his life goes, ask him. By no means are you probably capable of shouldering his baggage on yours as well at the moment, as in any situation that can be unfair. Rather, ask him how he was, what he was doing, and just be willing to listen very well.

 

Once you guys have been speaking for a while (you'll have to find that time on your own, but let it be a lengthy time), be ready to make a big leap. What you may want to do right away is apologize, but don't quite yet. After a good period of time has passed, do apologize. Point out you know you were horrid, and that you're so very sorry for what you put him through. Make this come from the heart, and rehearse what you'll say if need be, but make sure it's real and not fake. By acknowlodging you know how you were, that means he knows you saw it. By seeing it, you realized it was a problem. Don't try to emphasize you went to therapy, but do say you got a lot of help and that you'd be willing to make it up to him. You're going to have to wait until it seems like a good time. The best time would be when you guys are done having a good upbeat conversation and it ends, that way you're both in a good mood. You'll know in your heart when it is.

 

Other than that read his actions. Follow the way he speaks, acts, and thinks, and respond accordingly. Since I don't know him, you'll have to find that out for yourself.

 

As far as inferring feelings go, if things go right he'll notice. Inferring feelings come naturally, there's really no way to drop hints like that on purpose, they'll happen on accident, just make sure they're very small if they do happen for a while.

 

Most important remember: You are a new person. You have to show that. I know I said that, but reiteration cannot hurt.

 

In summation: Make subtle small moves that show you want to spend time with him and see if he likes doing the same.

Spend at least 1 month for sure, 2 to be safe, getting him to know you all over again.

And do whatever you can to show him you have the same name and face, but you are not the same woman he knows.

 

Heart has to go into everything you say, so good luck to you, and I hope it works for you.

[sully737]

Thanks so much for your guidance Douglas.... I really appreciate it.

 

Things have been going really well. We've talked everyday since then... He even made a comment about a mutual friend of ours asking how the "date and sleepover" went... HE referred to it as a date... I didnt think of it as a date, but aparently both him AND her did! (although Im not quite sure how this particular girl knew about it because I didnt tell her about it... But thats beside the point!) Maybe he was just trying to be funny by calling it a date?...

 

Im not going to be around this weekend, and Im leaving on a two week vacation (CALIFORNIA OR BUST! ) starting next Friday... So Im hoping to try and get together with him sometime next week before I go.... I havent asked him to hang out yet, Im kinda hoping he'll ask me.... Should I wait for him to take the initiative?

 

Im also a little concerned that he may just think of me as a friend and that Im building all of this up too much in my head... And putting the horse before the cart. Even though my intuition is telling me that he still has feelings for me.

 

At the very least, sleeping in the same bed that we shared HAD to have made him at least THINK about us......... right???

Edited March 4, 2010 by sully737

[Rearden Metal]

Kiddo, he's MORE than thinking about you. Just take it slow, like Douglas said. And don't lose yourself in him. Keep doing you, just like you have been the last 18 months.

[sully737]

Thanks for your response Rearden! That made me happy to read.... I hope that, at the very least, he's mulling over the possibility of me and him again.... would YOU sleep next to an ex without having any feelings there? I almost wish I had made a move on him, then he would know how I felt... Damn. Hindsight is 20/20.

 

Update:

 

Havent heard from him since Tuesday night... I wrote him a text message around 10:00 last night... No response....

 

Neither of us have made any plans to see each other.

 

What gives?

 

Im afraid Im going to lose my window of opportunity... Like I said, Im away this weekend, and starting next Friday Ill be on a 2 week vacation... Should I try and strike while the iron is hot?

Edited March 5, 2010 by sully737

[Iamthedouglas]

 

Im afraid Im going to lose my window of opportunity... Like I said, Im away this weekend, and starting next Friday Ill be on a 2 week vacation... Should I try and strike while the iron is hot?

 

You are right, the window of opportunity is definitely your goal here, but do not rush anything unless you are certain he's not going to back away. If you go to fast and he goes backwards, then you'll have worked against yourself. Whatever you do, gauge the situation and determine yourself at the moment. If you honestly can say you're certain he won't go, then you can try right now. If you're worried however, have him hang out with you again and try to tell him you'd like to see him after the break again. If you honestly think you're going to lose him, then you can try to maybe get him, but don't think you're going to lose him because of paranoia and not because you're seriously going to lose him.