Ahell Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I would like to know how you define infidelity and if it has different 'levels'' for you. It seems to me that sometimes we assume that our spouse has the same beliefs about the subject but as it turns out this is not the case for many. Does it have the same impact to find out yourself or for them to be open about it? Is secrecy and deception more hurtful than honesty? And if they are being honest about their feelings is there real infidelity? and finally how often do you feel you love two people at the same time just as much
BurriedAlive Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I think infidelity is doing something behind your spouse's back that you would not do in front of them. Obviously this isn't just having sex or kissing or physical contact. The way in which a married person looks at someone or the way in which they talk to someone can sometimes be a form of infidelity. I do believe that honesty is always the best policy, sorry for the really bad cliche, but it is true! Secrets destroy people from the inside out. Sometimes the intent that a person has when they keep a secret is to protect the ones they love but the truth of the matter is that they are truly hurting them rather than helping. As for hearing the truth from your H rather than someone else, I really think that if a M is to heal after an A, H HAS to be the one to tell the truth. When I was an OW, W found out about my A with her H from someone else. Then H tried to lie about it and minimize it to her. She didn't believe him and therefore came after me to tell her what really happened. I told her the truth but I really don't think that she believed me because she didn't want to believe me. If H had only come clean, he could have made things SO much better. All W wanted was the truth.
spriggig Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 I'm dealing with this right now. Honestly, I'd rather she had ****ed a guy she didn't love than love a guy she didn't ****. She "left" me two years ago and didn't bother telling me--she would have had to support herself then. She fell in "love" with a kid 12 years younger than her online over a period of several months and then, last week, just a month after I discovered all of this, flew across country to meet him for two weeks. As far as I can figure out they didn't have sex. It doesn't matter, trust is gone and she hasn't loved me for years. Apparently, everyone new this but me. ****.
Clep Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 To me it is acting in a way that I would not want my spouse to know about or thinking even in the same way. If I was at the office and was thinking of another man in a sexual way every time I saw him that would let me know there was something lacking in my relationship or in me. Seeing someone and thinking they are attractive is different to me than frequent lustful thoughts. If I wouldn't want my spouse to know what I was thinking or doing...I need not be doing or thinking it.
nowomanocry Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 (edited) Infidelity of the mind or the flesh? I think the first you can call real infidelity Edited February 28, 2010 by nowomanocry
xchumpx Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 Infidelity to me is screwing kissing bein intimate with another person besides the one your with... or thats my opinion! basically i agree with the other posters on the whole thing about doing things you wouldnt do infront of your spouse.. basically but honest is the best way to be ..i mean it still hurts but not as bad as not knowing and eventually finding out and being played as a fool..
KikiW Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Ahell, from your other thread, I think you are trying to reconcile/justify your husband's infidelity. The bare facts are that he lied to you about having an attachment to another woman, and now that it's out in the open he believes you need to accept it and that's that. If YOU don't think he cheated and that this is an ok situation, then more power to you. I do not understand how anyone could tolerate such treatment, but perhaps I am just not that open minded. To me it seem incredibly disrespectful and egotistical... does he want to start a harem? A RL version of Big Love? Hey, if you're cool with that, then fine, but I still think it would have behooved him to discuss this kind of arrangement before you got into a position that would be highly disruptive to leave. But if this was all copacetic, why are you here? FTR I think infidelity is defined as doing something behind your partner's back that they have not consented to.
just_some_guy Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 To me it is acting in a way that I would not want my spouse to know about or thinking even in the same way. If I was at the office and was thinking of another man in a sexual way every time I saw him that would let me know there was something lacking in my relationship or in me. Seeing someone and thinking they are attractive is different to me than frequent lustful thoughts. If I wouldn't want my spouse to know what I was thinking or doing...I need not be doing or thinking it. Wow, not even a thought? That seems like a nearly impossibly high standard. God like. Deed, yes. Words possibly. Thoughts, no.
Neutrino Posted March 2, 2010 Posted March 2, 2010 Infidelity = a betrayal of trust. To me it is a deal-breaker in any type of relationship - not only romantic... However, I do think our thoughts are our own.
mom2angels Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 There's a great book that I'd recommend you read. It's called Not 'Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. It discusses infidelity, ways that you can help affair-proof your marriage, and how to handle the aftermath of infidelity.
JustJoe Posted March 8, 2010 Posted March 8, 2010 Intimate Contact with another person, that is willfully not disclosed to the SO.
JaneInVegas Posted March 9, 2010 Posted March 9, 2010 IMO infidelity = anything you wouldn't do with your SO standing beside you with full knowledge. Period.
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