Ahell Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I would like to know how you define infidelity and if it has different 'levels'' for you. It seems to me that sometimes we assume that our spouse has the same beliefs about the subject but as it turns out this is not the case for many. Does it have the same impact to find out yourself or for them to be open about it? Is secrecy and deception more hurtful than honesty? And if they are being honest about their feelings is there real infidelity? and finally how often do you feel you love two people at the same time just as much?
Disintegration Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I would like to know how you define infidelity and if it has different 'levels'' for you. It seems to me that sometimes we assume that our spouse has the same beliefs about the subject but as it turns out this is not the case for many. Does it have the same impact to find out yourself or for them to be open about it? Is secrecy and deception more hurtful than honesty? And if they are being honest about their feelings is there real infidelity? and finally how often do you feel you love two people at the same time just as much? Cheating would be my defintion of infidelity. Whether it be emotional or physical it is still a form of cheating. Of course physical is the worst case. My spouse and I have the same belief as to what infidelity is, good thing we agree on it so there aren't any surprises where one would say we didn't know that was being unfaithful. Heck even getting a number of the opposite gender would be a form of cheating for us. Lying is definitely bad, especially if one has a secret and keeps it for years on end just to reveal it later. I'd rather know if something happened soon after instead of being left to believe everything was just great. If they came forth and confessed to being unfaithful I would be glad to know that way I can move on and get a divorce. I really don't think a person can be in love with two people at the same time, one would be love and the other infatuation.
ADF Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Infidelity is inappropriate physical and/or emotional intimacy with someone other than your partner without your partner's knowledge and/or permission. Most definitions of infidelity reduce to that. Are there different levels? Sure, for some people. But they are all different levels of bad. A one-night stand might be less hurtful than a 10 year affair, but only in the sense that a punch in the face is less hurtful than a gunshot to the leg. The people number of people who can truly handle polyamory--i.e. loving more than one person--is far smaller than the number of people who think they can handle it. I would also point out that the people most gung-ho about non-monogamy--usually younger men--tend to get the most jealous when their wives or GFs fool around with other men. Maybe polyamory can work for some small minority of the population. But for most relationships, infidelity is poison.
White Flower Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I would like to know how you define infidelity and if it has different 'levels'' for you. It seems to me that sometimes we assume that our spouse has the same beliefs about the subject but as it turns out this is not the case for many. Does it have the same impact to find out yourself or for them to be open about it? Is secrecy and deception more hurtful than honesty? And if they are being honest about their feelings is there real infidelity? and finally how often do you feel you love two people at the same time just as much? Microsoft dictionary defines infidelity as unfaithfulness or disloyalty, especially to a sexual partner. Also, I've noticed there tends to be a subtle difference between unfaithfulness and loyalty depending on the culture. Faithfulness seems to require sexual exclusivity whereas loyalty can mean staying with the spouse or SO while sowing oats elsewhere and simultaneously. It would be nice if our spouses shared our definition on the subject and many times we do at the time of M yet we are individuals who grow and change and with that we change our beliefs and definititons. Your question about deceipt being more hurtful or not than honesty is an excellent question. Throughout this board and the OM/OW one as well you will see varying differences on that preference. There is the head-burier who prefers to look at sand and then there is the open-minded individual who likes to see all colors and can deal with even the harsh and ugly ones. I do believe it hurts more to discover infidelity yourself than to be approached with permission about it in advance. At least the latter allows you to decide whether to stay in the R and allow it or get out before it happens. If they are being honest is there real infidelity? Again, that would depend on what YOUR definition of infidelity is. I suppose the better question for you is, can you handle the infidelity as long as he is being honest with you? I can only love one person at a time so I am not qualified to answer your last question. I really don't know how you can love two people at the same time. But I do wonder how your H would feel if you asked him if you too are allowed to be polyamorous. Is he going to treat you like an equal and allow you the same rights and benefits as himself as he redefines your R? If not, can you accept that double standard?
Spark1111 Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Okay....as a fBS here, my guidelines may be somewhat more stringent since discovering the affair, than before DDay; If you wouldn't say it, do it, or look at it without your SO standing at your elbow, than it is a form of infidelity. It is not developing feelings for another, it is keeping those feelings secret and then acting upon those feelings IN SECRET that constitutes infidelity to me. It is the lies and deception perpetrated to have a secret affair, that hurts the most IMHO. It is so much better to confess those feelings for another, than to have it be discovered. And no, I do not know what it would be like to love two people at the same time, especially if you keep feelings for one secret from the other. I can hardly call that love.
JaneInVegas Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 IMO Infidelity = anything you wouldn't do with your SO standing beside you with full knowledge
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 1. Does it have the same impact to find out yourself or for them to be open about it? 2. Is secrecy and deception more hurtful than honesty? 3. And if they are being honest about their feelings is there real infidelity? and finally 4. how often do you feel you love two people at the same time just as much? 1. Honestly, yes it does. I've had both happen, and neither is particularly pleasant. On one hand, if they are hiding it then you feel hurt and angry that they are a cheat and a liar. On the other, if they tell you then you feel hurt and angry that they apparently care so little that they are telling you something that could end the relationship and don't seem too perturbed by that. Almost as if they don't care if you leave or stay, particularly if they want to stay with OW/OM. 2. They both hurt for different reasons: see above. 3. Yes, it is real infidelity if you are under the impression that you are your partner are monogamous emotionally and physically. 4. You cannot love two partners the exact same way. One partner will be getting the romantic 'in love' hot sex stuff and the other will be getting the familial 'love but not in love' routine sex (if any). I found out the hard way through an 'open marriage' that love has two faces, and that it is preferable to have them both with the same person. If you split the two, then one partner is hurt because you are not 'in love' with them, and the other partner is hurt because you maintain a deeper 'family' bond with someone else. Neither relationship can go forward really. Since you are the 'wife' and the OW is the 'lover' then you must understand this: if you are happy with familial love, lifetime bonds, and your status quo then it isn't necessarily infidelity for you. If you are upset that the OW gets the romance, the 'in love' and the affair sex then it is infidelity for you. Not many people want to accept that there are wives that 'look the other way' when their husbands have affairs, but it isn't that uncommon. You are, however the first I've seen on this board in the years I've been here (or at least that I remember anyway). I think that what people also don't realize is that even when you 'look the other way' that there are deep hurts there that rarely bubble to the surface but when they do - watch out. It will cause a tsunami in the end. If you are hurting inside, deep down you need to stop tamping that down. Find an outlet if there is anger festering in there - even if you aren't quite aware of it. You have convinced yourself that your husband is a good man for coming to you about this affair, and that he still loves you, and so on. I can read between the lines though - way down deep inside I suspect you realize that you are sacrificing your happiness for 'marital happiness' and it burns you up inside. If it is, then consider talking to a marriage counselor. Your husband doesn't have to go with you. In fact, it wouldn't help if he did. There is no point in going to marriage counseling with someone who is in an affair and won't stop seeing the other person, but you may find some solace on your own by talking to someone about it.
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