Luv2dance Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Hi! I've been lurking for a few days and have found this site very interesting and have learned some things already!! I am a little scared to share my story just yet so will just start with a question... What is your idea of marrigae? A counselor told me that there are marriages that are the soul mate type with sparks, fun, excitement and then there are the partnership types where you have security, a provider, parenting partner...etc. I know there are varying degrees and I'm not saying it can't be both, but just curious how most people feel about that statement?? Also, if you feel you have the "partnership" type marriage did it start out as the "soul mate" type?
melodymatters Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I'm not sure I can help, but I did want to welcome you to LS ! There's nothing to be scared about, you are completely anonymous, and you will prob get more answers if you write a more compelling story ! I would say in my two marriages I had more of the soulmate kind. The first ended because he wanted to have TOO much fun, fun with drugs and alcohol and was not responsible enough. The second, we'll never know because he died in an accident 8 months into our marriage So, the balls back in your court Luv !
Author Luv2dance Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 I'm not sure I can help, but I did want to welcome you to LS ! There's nothing to be scared about, you are completely anonymous, and you will prob get more answers if you write a more compelling story ! I would say in my two marriages I had more of the soulmate kind. The first ended because he wanted to have TOO much fun, fun with drugs and alcohol and was not responsible enough. The second, we'll never know because he died in an accident 8 months into our marriage So, the balls back in your court Luv ! Thanks for the welcome and what a tragedy about your dh It's so hard to give the whole story, and from what I've read I'm sure I will sound "scripted" or cliched, but I will try to get a quick synopsis as I don't have much time right now. I have been married almost 16 yrs, mh is 10 yrs older than I am and I was 23 when we married. We had very different lives growing up, he was a good boy, I was a party girl (just the normal college party life, nothing REALLY crazy). When we met I had decided to get back to church and recommit my life to Christ. MH was completely opposite from any other guy I had dated and I thought this was a good thing b/c he could help settle me down and grow me spiritually. There were never sparks or strong physical attraction from my end, which again I thought was ok b/c I needed a change. He is a great husband and father and I know most women would be over joyed to have a man like him. We really do not fight, but we are also both non-confrontational. The problem is all me and my expectations! We are such opposites...I am a romantic, he is NOT. He is a sports FREAK, I couldn't care less. I want to have couple friends to hang out with, he is fine just us...just a few examples. I also am the one who wants sex more than he does and get turned down. I am sure many are thinking, I've had an affair (I've read the threads)...I have not. I have had feelings of doubt about my marriage since the honeymoon and we have had various discussions through the years about my happiness. I know that someone else can't make you happy, and I would love to figure out how to love MH and not have these doubts. I don't want to break up my family, but maybe b/c I am having a BIG bday this year I am worried that life is too short.... This is a very SHORT version and I know I left many holes...out of time for now. I am not even sure what I am looking for here...maybe just to know I'm not alone.
melodymatters Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Thans for sharing your story ! While I can't personally relate, I have heard familiar tales SO many times ! Have you gone to couples counseling ? It sounds like he needs to really " hear" what you are saying. This is a situation that is going to need compromising. You don't want to throw out a stable marriage out of boredom, believe me, the grass is NOT greener If nothing else, is there something YOU always wanted to do and never did ? Join a community theatre, go back to school, something that would give you lots of personal satisfaction ? I hate to say: just deal with it because you only live once, but I'd hate to see you leave your marriage because of typical " mid life crisis" reasons just as much ! I hope someone else who has dealt with this will jump in here soon !
ADF Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Frankly, marriage is forst and foremost a legal, contractual relationship. Whatever else marriage may be--a bond between two people, a religious ceremony, a link between families--it is a legal relationship first and foremost.
Deanster Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Hiya! I'm struggling with the very same issues with my wife. I'm a lively extrovert, and she's a task-oriented introvert. I love sex and think it's the best thing ever, she's totally indifferent. We have a very good life we've built together - kids, house, community, that I'm not eager to throw away. But I feel like I'm dying inside, and condemned to a life of NOTHING but hanging around the house, checking off to-do lists. (For the record, I'm all in favor of to-do lists... I just think that discussing incomplete items during sex is poor form). I've been working hard on it, and to me, marriage or any other close relationship is about being close to each other. Connected and intimate. I do NOT think that you need to be everything to each other - you have to have outside interests, outside friends, and then come back together, and be happy the other enjoyed themselves. But my wife and I are in different places, on different pages, and have evolved into a parallel lifestyle where we do almost nothing together. A desire to be close and intimate is now to me the foundation of a relationship. You need to share enough that you have something to share. But what do I know... we're probably separating. Sigh.
jennie-jennie Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Commitment to me is carrying my loved one with me in my heart. Because of that he is with me wherever I go and I am always bound to him. The day I fall out of love, that day the commitment is gone. Marriage has nothing to do with this for me. Marriage is just a formality. And unfortunatley, for some, a prison.
nddb Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 What is your idea of marrigae? A counselor told me that there are marriages that are the soul mate type with sparks, fun, excitement and then there are the partnership types where you have security, a provider, parenting partner...etc. I know there are varying degrees and I'm not saying it can't be both, but just curious how most people feel about that statement?? You know how a person can wear two hats--one as an intimidating supervisor at work and one as a doting dad at home, letting his kids climb all over him and playing tag for hours? That's our marriage. We wear two hats, and we are conscious of it. I'm fairly disciplined with being a provider and a parenting partner, and my wife is excellent at being the general about the house with the kids. But between my wife and I, we wear different hats when it comes time to throw down. That means we try to stay silly/funny and do frequent date nights, movie night outs, trips out of town, etc. Our two lives (provider/parent vs. lovers) are as different as can be, and we consciously make them different, but that's how we managed ours.
Tayla Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 ADF is correct. Its contractual. Anyone who can embellish and find benefits simply added perks to the contract ANd I have seen some marriages where I am thankful they married each other, they saved us single folks alot of grief Luckily I don't sign contracts that are open to the other party making out like a bandit.
SeaBreeze100 Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 I always thought a marriage was a relationship where you, your partner and family became the most important things in your life. Unfortunately, I am stuck in a situation I can't get of either.
Author Luv2dance Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 Thanks for the responses! I love all the different views and opinions on this site! Hiya! I'm struggling with the very same issues with my wife. I'm a lively extrovert, and she's a task-oriented introvert. I love sex and think it's the best thing ever, she's totally indifferent. We have a very good life we've built together - kids, house, community, that I'm not eager to throw away. But I feel like I'm dying inside, and condemned to a life of NOTHING but hanging around the house, checking off to-do lists. (For the record, I'm all in favor of to-do lists... I just think that discussing incomplete items during sex is poor form). Sorry, but this made me chuckle...and I would agree pretty poor form! I've been working hard on it, and to me, marriage or any other close relationship is about being close to each other. Connected and intimate. I do NOT think that you need to be everything to each other - you have to have outside interests, outside friends, and then come back together, and be happy the other enjoyed themselves. But my wife and I are in different places, on different pages, and have evolved into a parallel lifestyle where we do almost nothing together. A desire to be close and intimate is now to me the foundation of a relationship. You need to share enough that you have something to share. But what do I know... we're probably separating. Sigh. You hit the nail on the head! For me I think I have been smiling and pretending to be someone I'm not for so long that I don't really know who I am anymore. I'll get into more of the story tomorrow...
Author Luv2dance Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 You know how a person can wear two hats--one as an intimidating supervisor at work and one as a doting dad at home, letting his kids climb all over him and playing tag for hours? That's our marriage. We wear two hats, and we are conscious of it. I'm fairly disciplined with being a provider and a parenting partner, and my wife is excellent at being the general about the house with the kids. But between my wife and I, we wear different hats when it comes time to throw down. That means we try to stay silly/funny and do frequent date nights, movie night outs, trips out of town, etc. Our two lives (provider/parent vs. lovers) are as different as can be, and we consciously make them different, but that's how we managed ours. This sounds like a great marriage!!
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