Ashmead Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Hi LSers, I'm new to this, the site and advice seems superb so thanks in advance, anyway on to my dilema. I met a really cute girl around six weeks ago and we hit it off straight away, lots of texts, flirting and we've met up for dinner and drinks a few times. The third proper date she stays over and we have a really good weekend (valentines day, got her flowers which she's never had before) On the fourth date she's rather distant and very stressed; it turns out that work is getting her down (she's a lawyer and works crazy hours, as they all seem to) I decided to leave her alone and move on - A bit harsh but we've really only just met, and thought the work excuse was pretty lame. Last weekend she sends me a very drunken text apologizing for being distant and again blaming work. The text hinted that she's depressed and full of fear about her work. I texted her back asking if she's ok and she says she's not sure. I try and call her and she texts me back saying she's still at work (it's 22:00!). I know she's single (never married and no ex on the scene so the working late was genuine) Anyway to cut a long story short, should I carry on with this, I'm seeing redish flags about her coping mechanisms and how she reacts to work stress. Half of me really likes her and thinks if I give her time and space it could work. The other half thinks this could be another neurotic psycho and to run. All input appreciated.
spiderowl Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Sounds like she's not coping all that well at the moment. We all have patches like that. You are concerned that she might be like that about most things though, understandably. Until you get to know her a bit better, you can't know if she's someone you will be comfortable with in the long term. Men seem to be particulary afraid that they are going to meet a 'psycho' woman but, you know, no-one's perfect, we all have our weaknesses and down times. If you liked her enough, you'd take the time to find out whether there's more to her than stress. I can't advise you to do that though because you are the only person who knows how you cope with people who are stressed. If you are a person who can't be bothered with anything like that, then it's best you leave her alone. Some people are more emotional and sensitive than others. They are better off with people who understand that and have a sensitive empathic nature.
Author Ashmead Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Hey spiderowl, I've met my share of psychos and been burned a few times, I guess you're right and it could be my reluctance to get involved only to get burned again. I'm the sort of person who is caring and sensitive, I may give her a call tomorrow night and see how she is. Thanks for your help.
pandagirl Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I don't think there are any huge red flags with this girl. She had a little meltdown due to work stress, but doesn't that happen to everyone? I know I've had periods where I could barely sleep because I was so worried/stressed about my job. If you see her again, just gently bring up your concerns and see how she reacts to it -- this is probably a better indicator of her true character.
Author Ashmead Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 sound like a good idea. From what she's told me she's got the whole 'perfectionist' personality type (why's she seeing me and seems to worry unnecessarily.
sugarmomma Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 During Valentine's weekend was there any "intimacy"? If so, how was it? I know that I have found myself crazy about guys but if there is no compatibility in the bedroom it kind of goes south from there. Not saying this is what happened in your case, just my own experience. If everything was okay in that area, I would say just give her a little space and let her come back on her own. She's an attorney so I can't imagine how stressful that job get at times.
Author Ashmead Posted February 27, 2010 Author Posted February 27, 2010 Hey sugarmomma, there was intimacy and it was really good, she also told me that I made her feel very safe which was a bit strange but I took it as a complement.
Alexz Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 If she says you make her feel safe, that's a huuuuge sign that she trusts you and you make her feel comfortable. I think you understand that she's stressed by her job, and if you support her and mention times you can meet up on a date to help her feel better, she'll be really happy with you. She just seems to be on a tight schedule, and the job is really tiring.
sagetalk Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 I know she's single (never married and no ex on the scene so the working late was genuine) Wow, I'm attracted to her just reading that sentence . Many of the girls I know complain about their job all the time, it's as common as dirt to me. If it were me, I'd stick around a little longer. She may be a nut, but stay a little longer and then you'll know for certain. It would be a shame to ditch her and then it turns out she was perfectly sane.
troggleputty Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Ashmead, attorneys do work crazy hours, they do have lots of stress, esp. if they are associates working as slaves in a big law firm. Just be supportive of this girl and try to roll with it. Make yourself available to her. Don't be another source of stress in her life. See her a few more times to get an indication of where things are going. It seems like you gave up on her a little too easily. She's single no kids cute you're sexually compatible and she has a good job. Now tell me how many women like that you've been with in the past year or two. And if there have been any, that are better than this one, why aren't you still with one of them? Listen--we're all human. Everyone has "issues" and until you really get involved with someone it's probably not you those issues revolve around. I often used to wonder "why" some girl or other I was dating seemed to like me, then the next time acted strangely, unpredictably. Way later on in my life when I stopped being quite so self-centered it dawned on me that maybe she couldn't see me because she was having menstrual cramps or something. Maybe some old ex boyfriend called her up out of the blue and she got confused, but that didn't mean she didn't like me. I will give you fair warning however, if she's a lawyer but is a nice person at some point if you get serious with her she may want to quit and have your babies because being a lawyer sucks so bad. So you may lose her income.
troggleputty Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 Last weekend she sends me a very drunken text apologizing for being distant and again blaming work. The text hinted that she's depressed and full of fear about her work. Unless you know someone who's been in that line of work (i.e. associate at a law firm) you simply cannot imagine the incredible stress that comes with the job (although it is often well-paid). The associates (i.e. younger lawyers) are slaves to the partners, literally slaves. They are subject to actual and frequent abuse (psychological/verbal). Lawyers can be ego-driven maniacs, esp. partners at large law firms. She may be in a situation where nothing she does and no matter how hard she works it's "not good enough." Her boss may be a complete @sshole who constantly abuses and dumps on her. It's very common at law firms. Many times people will go to law school for somewhat idealistic reasons and become lawyers investing their entire identities in that profession. Then they get one of these crazy high pressure legal jobs in the real world and they simply can't stand it. It's an ego crusher and it often causes the person to question everything they thought they wanted to do with their lives and their judgment. But she may also have incurred many thousands of dollars (perhaps as much as $100,000 or more) in law school loans which have to be repaid so she can't even think about quitting much less sassing "the man" and telling off her boss to stand up for her rights. She needs to know that you like and value her for herself even if she wasn't a lawyer although you respect her for her career as well. Basically this woman is probably under an insane amount of pressure because of her career issues, she probably hates being an attorney, she feels trapped, and she doesn't know what the h*ll to do about it.
threebyfate Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 If you're looking for someone who's 9 - 5, hence available to you after regular working hours, she's not the one for you. I would highly recommend that anyone who has issues with professionals who work long hours, hence detracting from your "together" time, stay away from relationships like this, regardless of gender.
swan_song Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Ashmead, Oye... as a female attorney myself who works at a big law firm and is probably in the same age bracket as your girl (I am 27), I very much empathize with her but also understand your doubts/insecurities about your relationship with her. I've been at my firm for only 18 months, but my unpredictable schedule makes it very difficult to date. In the first place, it's extremely difficult to meet new guys given my hours (and, no, we def do NOT want to date coworkers) and, whenever I've met guys I've liked who are mutually interested, new difficulties spring up as to when I can see him, how often, if I will be in an optimal mood when we make plans to see each other, whether work will blow up in my face anytime, whether he will grow tired of my hours and schedule, so on so forth... I absolutely hate that I can't have a normal dating life, but we're in a recession right now, so it would be foolhardy to give up the security even with the personal sacrifices at the moment... I will say that it sounds like she is genuinely interested in you and wants to see you, but circumstances at work are beyond her control. I know when work is busy for ME, I'm extremely sleep-deprived, would like nothing more than to push back to make space for my personal life but know that I can't (because that's just not how big firms work), I miss my friends and, if there's a guy in the picture, the situation becomes even unhappier because then I wonder how long it might be before he can't stand my schedule anymore. And then I get even more upset with work, because the compensation isn't worth it if I'm constantly making personal sacrifices. I know it may seem incredulous that she'd be working at 10pm, but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that work is just an "excuse." In her defense, it's extremely difficult to develop coping mechanisms so watertight to be completely unruffled by the hours and demands faced. I know that during my busy weeks, I may across as flustered and distressed with my friends... and, if there's a guy in the picture, I don't want to see him because I'm not fully myself. I'm usually calm and easygoing and I try to keep my stress levels under control, but end of the day... especially if I'm (1) not sleeping enough and (2) not having enough time to myself, it's hard. Big law firm hours are certainly not for the faint of heart and working at 10pm is NOT uncommon at all for big law firm junior associates... take it for what it's worth, and not to totally disturb you, but I've had nights that push easily past midnight and into the wee hours of morning. It sucks -- and most of us only do it for a few years -- but especially given the recession, it's not like there are excellent opportunities elsewhere. "If I weren't an attorney myself and didn't know my husband's hours, I would totally suspect affair!" is what a coworker friend of mine joked about once, to give you an idea. All that to say... if you really like her, give her a chance and be understanding, tell her you're not familiar with her hours but you're happy to listen if she's stressed and you understand if she's busy and shouldn't stress about you if she is, that you look forward to seeing her when she emerges (seriously, on OUR end, if we've met someone we like, we really ARE thinking about you and are bummed we can't actually see more of you... and we try really hard to suck it up and don't want to spill the stress over on another person, but our stress really IS easily diffused if someone seems open to listening) -- she will really appreciate it and, to give her the benefit of the doubt, I am sure she is trying best as she can to make time for you. Just give her another chance, be VERY clear that you understand her hours but would still like to get to know her, and see how she responds... if she likes you, and it sounds like she does, you will be removing one source of stress for her (which would be her worrying about whether you want to see her at all, given her hour) and hopefully things will work out I hope some of what I said is helpful. Feel free to fire away with more questions. Ultimately, of course, if you really can't put up with her hours, then at least you know that type of relationship isn't for you.
DustySaltus Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 Ashmead, you have to trust your instincts. I've been in your situation before, been burned and dealt with all sorts of wackjobs. But i've also dealt with some really great women that I didn't appreciate fully because I had my guard up. It's a delicate balance. This is the tricky part. Does she REALLY work that much or is she using that as an excuse for something else? Is she not over an ex? Is she playing the field? Who knows, it takes time to assess everything. I will say that her feeling "safe" with you is a weird term to use after three dates....maybe SHE has been burned before. She could of said "comfortable" but she said "safe". Again, i'm nitpicking here but it's something that would stay in my mind. Regardless, as TBF said if you're looking for someone who is going to put their career secondary to you, she may not be the right one anyway.
xpaperxcutx Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 The question is are you an impatient guy? If you're willing to wait, chances are giving her space will allow her to work out her problems, that way she won't have to drag you down with her unnecessarily. She sounds like she has her stuff together, only that for coping mechanisms she gets depressed or distance herself. Yet, that's a good thing, she doesn't want you to get a bad impression of her.
threebyfate Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 While career-focused individuals do make time to spend time with their SOs, there's only so much time in the day. My H. is a lawyer, but not an associate. When shyte hits the fan, he's under the gun so his hours are insane. I also work anywhere from 60 - 80 hours a week. This works well for both of us, since it's an intuitive understanding of why the other isn't available to us. If you can't understand this, reconsider...NOW!
swan_song Posted February 28, 2010 Posted February 28, 2010 While career-focused individuals do make time to spend time with their SOs, there's only so much time in the day. My H. is a lawyer, but not an associate. When shyte hits the fan, he's under the gun so his hours are insane. I also work anywhere from 60 - 80 hours a week. This works well for both of us, since it's an intuitive understanding of why the other isn't available to us. If you can't understand this, reconsider...NOW! Ha, totally agree! I think BECAUSE OF my full understand of what attorney (slash i-banker slash consultant) hours entail, I personally could not be with someone with the same schedule as my own. It's bad enough dealing with one ****ty schedule... to deal with another person's as well would be a dealbreaker for me. It works exceptionally well for some couples, but it's not for me.
Author Ashmead Posted February 28, 2010 Author Posted February 28, 2010 swan_song thanks for the wise words and good to have the perspective of someone in the field. I think patience is the key for me. I sent her a text tonight saying I'd love to see her again and not to worry about her work schedule. Only time will tell.
DustySaltus Posted March 1, 2010 Posted March 1, 2010 swan_song thanks for the wise words and good to have the perspective of someone in the field. I think patience is the key for me. I sent her a text tonight saying I'd love to see her again and not to worry about her work schedule. Only time will tell. Ashmead, unless she is going to quit her profession I hope your patience can last at least the next couple of years. This problem isn't going anywhere. Again, why is she telling you she feels safe with you? Everyone here is making excuses for how hard the profession is which isn't the issue. The issue is your OWN happiness. Do you think she can fulfill that?
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