Hippie459MN Posted February 27, 2010 Posted February 27, 2010 First I would like to say, Awsome site. Very long time member and this is my first post (I have just been lurking in the shadows for a really long time taking in alot of info) and unfortunately its not a super positive one. Just a warning, this is gonna be a really really long one. Also, Keep in mind that this involves a 6 month old child (6 Months old on feb. 11th 2010). Sometime back in early 2004 I went through a break up from a 7 year relationship (Still kind of friends to this day) and as I look back now it was not a healthy one and the previous relationship to that was for just over 2 years and was just as unhealthy and I will get to why I am referring the them later but here goes. Sometime in late 2005, just before the all of the holidays I believe, I met a this girl and was just blown away by her and she felt the same about me but there were a few issues. First I was in a very very short relationship with someone and after we broke up I was dumb and let her move in as she needed a place to stay and then I was kinda busy being a guy if you know what I mean. Anyways, One night things just really clicked more than ever before with us and we shared our first of a million kisses that night and it for the first time in my life felt like I met the one and her mother said she had said the same thing. Now here is where the issues start, Soon after we made things official (Feb 11th 2010 would have been 4 years. Even weirder, ours son was be 6 months old) we had the perfect relationship for a whole year even despite the ex living at my place for a very short time after we got together still. The ex was soon kicked out as she drove me crazy but we were still a good friends (so I thought) and it eventually led to problems so out she went and I cut off ties for the most part. I should have done it long ago but being a dumb, I was taking the attention she was giving me and running with it. Yes, I did say some things that were out of line but never dreamed of doing anything with anyone else and never acted on anything or put myself in that situation. Now during all of this we had a friend at the time that turned out to be head over heals for my now girlfriend and turns out he was saying a lot of stuff about me to get her to leave me and run to him for condolence and all it did was make things really rough for the 2 of us as I got accused of things and he finally admitted to her he lied to her about a lot of things and that when we both cut off all ties with him. Now after another year of dealing with this I was shown some attention from other females and some reason I verbally acted on it and it led to more issues but we worked them out for the most part. So I thought. Now comes another year of some minor issues here and there talking to other women in some less that accepting ways (No phone sex or anything like that, Just comments through IMs or text messages or dumb comments on myspace) for someone that is in a relationship. I seemed to have gotten my act together and opened my eyes and things seemed to really be going in the right direction and then we found out she was pregnant and I couldn't have been happier and I straightened right up for the most part (I could have given her a tiny bit more attention but I was glued to my computer for a while. That's what I get for being a major geek) until one day when the girlfriend was about 5 months pregnant I was home alone and her brothers ex-girlfriend send me an IM online and we got to chatting and she was giving me lots of very nice compliments about some of my pictures on MySpace and like a dummy I gave a few to her as well telling her she looked cute and beautiful and then she asked if I wanted to hang out one day I said I don't know then told her what the girlfriends work schedule was for that next Friday but then said to myself what in the heck am I doing, I don't want or need this so I just stopped talking to her and then I then left to do some running around and in the mean time the girlfriend came home and not being one that would have anything to hide i left my IM stuff running and she IMed me asking something and the girlfriend seen the whole conversation and I just didn't know what to say to her as I felt so awful as I put myself in her shoes at that moment and was not happy with myself and decided it was time to get rid of the troubles in my life so out went the MySpace and the FaceBook and anything else like phone numbers and and what not (It took some convincing on my part to get rid of all that but I know what I had to do.) as I did not want to ruin anything as I was head over heals in love with my girlfriend and soon to be mother of my child. Well, I guess I didn't get rid of all temptations and I made one stupid little mistake. The day after my son was born my ex of 7 years sent me a text message asking how we were doing (The girlfriend and her became very good friends for some time and it really had its days and the ex still had feelings for me and said some really not so nice stuff to what I think was to break us up. And to think she is married now. lol) and then I asked her what she was doing and her reply is nothing so like a dummy I sent a message back saying "How about me? Just kidding" or something like that and the girlfriend seen it and since that day I have not stepped out of line cause I really seen how it hurt her as I should have been the one talking and saying these kinds of things to her when I wasn't even though that was how I felt. No one could measure up to her ever in my eyes and I don't think anyone ever will. Now back in October after saving for a long time I go and buy her a ring as I know she really wanted this and I did to but I never said anything to her and on Christmas eve I was going to ask her father if I had his permission to ask his daughter to marry me and then the next day I was going to ask her at her sisters on Christmas day. Well, we never made it to that day. The Wednesday before Christmas she decided while I was not home from work yet to pack up and move to a mutual friends house where she is still now with all of her stuff and the baby and I do like her being there as its not the best place. I would rather see her back at her parents or my moms but due to not being able to keep her dog at he parents that's not an option as I cant keep her all the time cause of my job although I wouldn't mind one bit. About a month before she left I was sensing things were not like they used to be like her ignoring me more often or not wanting to spend as much time with me so I asked her a few times what the deal was and she would just say please stop and leave it at that and then one day I felt that I really wanted an answer and then I made a comment about a male friend she had been hanging out with and talking to a lot and I said you seem to be talking to ***INSERT FOUL LANGUAGE HERE*** face more than me lately it seem like. And that was what did it she said and was the one that made her finally leave. I came home and she packed all of her stuff while I was gone at work and then met me to talk to me about it and I pulled up and seen a packed car full of stuff. She told me if I was there she would not have been able to leave at all. Now just over 2 months later I have done a lot to make a lot of huge changes in my life to better myself for not only me but my son and hopefully her. I have gotten some consoling to help me understand why I not only did what I did once but kept doing it, I have got rid of a few problem people in my life that were part of the issues and all around bettered myself and am happy with the direction I am going. I will say that this has helped me a lot to realize I had a problem and I took the steps to correct it but she still does not trust me and I don't blame her one single bit. Now we don't hate each other or scream or yell or fight really and you can still see, and she tells me, how much she still loves me and how she didnt want it to be this way but maybe in time it will work itself out. We have had many of talks and they all seem to go really good but there was one a week ago that we both left on a bad ending to the talk and its been even worse on me since then and tonight we talked more and it sounds like she is 100%. for now anyways and it kills me to hear that so bad. There are some other things that happened after she left but I could go on about that also but I don't want to but it was her rebound thing I guess. I am over it and its not a huge factor in things now so I will just leave that one to rest. But I don't know what I can do as having a child now makes the whole NC thing really something that we cant do but every time I see her I just see the person that is the best thing ever and I just want to ask her for one more chance to prove I will do this right from now on and she says I have given you plenty of chances already and you have run out of them. I hate myself every day for what I have done to her and how I made her feel but I just need to figure out how to step back or something but I am not ready to give up this. Any input would be great or any advice. The NC has always been how I move on and not this time... Even though our bad situation, we always get along super good at the end of the day no matter how frustrated we get with each other. I know it was long and I left some stuff out to spare you but like I said, any advice or anything would be great as I am having such a hard time and just over 2 months later it has not got any easier at all really. I don't want to push her away any more than she already is but I am not ready to lose her yet. If you read all that and made it this far thank you for listening.
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